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I don't know what to do

(982 Posts)
lollipop7 Tue 25-Jul-17 23:34:23

I gave up a career and a good life miles away when I feel pregnant with a man I thought I was in love with.
He asked me to marry him, told me he would always ta,e care upon us, encouraged me to take redundancy and plough it into our life together.
I'm now pregnant with our third child and si trapped and unhappy.

I have no job, no money and apart from my mum nowhere to go.
He has decided I'm good enough to have children with but not in his exact words "good enough to marry"
My credit rating has been ruined by a case of mistaken identity delisted notes of satisfaction. He's had all my money as I believed him all these years.
Last year when out second child was six months old I left before we moved house. I discovered a series of message to his drinking friends and parents that I had PND and was mentally ill. None of which is true.
He begged Me for a final chance, promised me he'd get therapy and set up a Trust Deed to acknowledge my contribution,
A year on and nothing. He is worse than ever and thanks to being pressured for sex one night I am six months pregnant.
He was out mountain biking with a friend tonight and our son managed to open two safety gates and fall halfway down the stairs. When he Came back home he was sulking and said he was obviously fine. Then two hours later he accused me of actually throwing himself down the stairs to get him home early because I am unwell and jealous of him having a life.
There are so many things I could write here but I can't face committing them all to paper, suffice to say they revolve around emotional abuse such as disdain, lies, provocation, undermining and general nastiness. He is a control freak, he cuts of my housekeeping to pay for holidays he wants. He says there is no money for luxuries but buys himself cds and booze and clothes all the time. His family are blind to his faults and I frequently come across nasty little message so where I am described as grumpy and arrogant. He is disningeous and provocative in front of my friends and family. In short he is a total bastard.
It has got so bad now that I am actually prepared to leave with nothing apart from my children in my car. The only asset I have left. He has said he holds all the cards and that he now wants to contact my midwife to tell, her I am unfit. This is because I slapped his face tonight when he accused me of injuring our son.

I just need to get something down as it is let and I don't want him to hear me on the phone to friends or my mother or sister.

I have thought about women's aid but I don't know.
I have left four times and always have to come back for immunisations, antenatal appointments, school terms etc. I feel as though all the pressure is on me. I am brimming out resentment at the uphheaval and turmoil in mine and especially my children's lives and on top of it have to get ready to give birth in three months.

He hasn't been interviewed under caution for assaulting me one night, but acts as though I think never happened and told the police commiserated with him and laughed about my desperate behaviour.
I feel as though he is trying to drive me to suicide or madness.

Just some words of advice or reassurance or comfort would be appreciated.

I feel incredibly stupid, vulnerable and lost right now.

lollipop7 Tue 25-Jul-17 23:36:03

Sorry about the typos,

He has been interviewed under caution being the most salient one. I think the rest can be deciphered.

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 25-Jul-17 23:53:22

You are describing my old life. I feel for you op, what a cunt.

Does your mum know what's going on?

lollipop7 Tue 25-Jul-17 23:57:46

Yes. She's been an amazing source of support.
She has said we can all go there and live with her until we get sorted.
I wanted to stay but have growth scans and consultant appointments and things couldn't get switched in time so I've had to come back.

It's so awful. I feel desperate.

How did you break free of this hideous cycle!p, if you don't mind my asking?

IWishedIWasSomeoneElse Wed 26-Jul-17 00:02:05

Hello op, firstly i need to to applaud you for your bravery. You are brave because you have taken the first step by posting, you have admitted to yourself and all of us, how bad things are. You, are, as i am sure you have determined already, in an a highly manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship. I am jm experiencing the aftermath of one that unfortunately became physically abusive too. There is light at the end of the tunnell and i would love to offer you further advice. I cant really comment much further right now, except for saying well done for taking the first step to a better future. Feel free to pm me, or i will try to post some more helpful advice tomorrow, if you are in immediate physical danger please contact the police.

lollipop7 Wed 26-Jul-17 00:06:28

Thanks for your support it means a lot. I'm not in immediate physical danger he's asleep downstairs like there's nothing wrong.

I have decided I just need to forget the money, and get away.
I am going to ask a friend who, lives locally to put me up overnight for the hospital appointments I have but speak about transferring my antenatal care urgently.

I asked him to leave and said if he cared for us at all he would. Just until I got sorted. He laughed in my face.

He's such a fucking shit

RedastheRose Wed 26-Jul-17 00:13:42

Emotional abuse and coercive behaviour are criminal offences on their own now! Call Women's Aid get advice from the experts. You can also speak to the police in confidence and ask them to make a record of what you've told them so that they know what is going on if he escalates things. This sort of narcissistic abuse is known for provoking extreme reactions from the partner who is being abused then their reaction is used to 'prove' they are the ones being unreasonable. This sort of behaviour is now widely known to all the relevant experts. You might be able to get the police to remove him from your home rather than you having to leave, but get expert advice asap.

MyheartbelongstoG Wed 26-Jul-17 00:29:18

I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was going mad and especially so because I thought no one could see through. I was wrong about that though.

It didn't matter what I did, he was never happy. Always changed the goal posts. In one breath it would be "get a fuckin job" then I got a job very quickly, 3 days in fact. He was stunned. Then it would change to "you are a terrible mother for going to work" oh my god, could talk all night!!

He headbutted me, broke my ribs, kicked me, spat in my face, threatened to shoot me......endless.

I wondered often where my life was going, where had 15 years gone. Felt I had wasted them and should of followed my dreams and not a boy. I imagined myself as a really old woman, sitting in my chair and looking back over my life and what my regrets might be and it was staying with him.

You have to find the courage to leave. Just take that first step and don't think about the rest. Its not half as scary on this side.

Go to your mum, just do it. Right now you have to fight for you and out yourself first.

You can do it op!!

I'm going to stay on this thread and I have never done that before. I am routing for you so much. If I knew you in real life, I would do anything I could to help you.

What a fucking weak little excuse he is for a human being.

MyheartbelongstoG Wed 26-Jul-17 00:33:25

Sorry for typos.

He laughed in your face.....god he's horrible isn't it.

Talk to your friend op and I hope they can help you.

You know you have to leave now or you'll be staying for more of the same shit behaviour from him. What a twat.

Brilliant that you stay with your mum! She sounds lovely.

RandomMess Wed 26-Jul-17 00:34:21

Please go to your Mum's and stay there, everything can and will be sorted.

flowers well done on being brave enough to face up to this.

Shoxfordian Wed 26-Jul-17 06:08:06

Yes go to your Mum and make arrangements to leave him

Hope you're ok this morning flowers

lollipop7 Wed 26-Jul-17 12:34:40

I called Women's Aid this morning and had a good talk with them. I have also called my midwife and told her what's happening. I have a risk assessment with them tomorrow. Both have told me I am doing the right thing in terms of showing he authorities I am doing the right thing in putting my children's safety first. My mum is coming down first thing in the morning to help me pack and also to look after the children whilst I see the midwife. I am leaving tomorrow late afternoon.
He started on me again this morning recording me and shouting that I was lucky for me we weren't married as he would have me sectioned. He's so dreadful.
I feel a lot better now the wheels are in motion. I need to just remember that possessions and some much is life is fleeting. What really matters is my children and me having their baby brother safely. They will always have each other.
Just have to keep telling myself one step at a time
Thanks for everyone's kind words.
It has lifted my spirits in what is a dark and lonely time for me.

Gunpowder Wed 26-Jul-17 12:44:48

Gosh he sounds ghastly, I'm so glad you are leaving him. You sound like a strong lady.

Posessions and money come and go, it your health and your children's health and happiness that is most important. Schools, doctors, hospital appointments can all be changed, just think of the headspace you will have to accomplish admin when you aren't dealing with his horrible mind games everyday! Good luck. flowers

Gunpowder Wed 26-Jul-17 12:45:08

*it's not it

IkissedatwirlandIlikedit Wed 26-Jul-17 12:48:41

You are being amazingly brave, well done. You have achieved so much today. It may be worth calling 101 at some point to tell them the whole story, just for peace of mind and some back up should you need it later. Keep going, you are doing brilliantly.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 26-Jul-17 12:56:49

Wow what a woman you are! Your courage is amazing.

I know it seems like things are crazy right now and the future is going to be no walk in the park but due to suffering DA you will be given help with housing and WA will support you with benefits and how to apply for them etc

Don't forget your ex will also have to pay child maintenance and I suggest you apply for that today.

Please do not fall for his sob story of he comes crawling. If you go back he will punish you for leaving.

You are an inspiration to many on the boards who have not yet managed to take the leap yet

123fushia Wed 26-Jul-17 15:30:03

Just sending you my support. What a brave woman you are. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and get yourself and your children out. The relief will be wonderful when you've done it I bet.

lollipop7 Wed 26-Jul-17 19:44:56

He came home tonight full of contrition saying sorry and that he had deleted the videos of my crying and he loved me.
I've just kept quiet.
Children are asleep and I am going to bed myself. He's off to work very early tomorrow so I have a full day to pack and get ready before my midwife appointment.

I've also downloaded an occupation order application form. I am dammed if my children are going to spend their lives uprooted and not in their rooms, at their school etc. But that will take a while so I need to be patient.
I am amazed at how calming setting some official wheels in motion has made me. I feel absolutely nothing for him anymore.

Pollyanna9 Wed 26-Jul-17 19:52:35

It's often a blessed relief when you finally don't feel anything! It's sad isn't it but on some level you need to get to the point where you either just don't care about meeting their 'needs' any more, but also psychologically you've moved on - and that's the most important thing.

You sound like you're handling it very effectively and playing it out in a very sensible, and self-preserving way. Good for you x

GlitterSparkles17 Wed 26-Jul-17 19:54:11

Well done OP you should be so proud of yourself. It's not going to be easy but it will be so worth it in the end for you. You and your children deserve to feel safe and happy, I can't see that ever happening with that vile creature around.

Groovee Wed 26-Jul-17 20:01:58

Wishing you all the best x

Aperolspritzer123 Wed 26-Jul-17 20:54:51

OP you are amazing and you should be proud of yourself for being a wonderful mother.
How dare he accuse you of hurting your child that is despicable - not to mention all the other stuff. Keep posting. I am on the other side - it's magnificent xx

lollipop7 Wed 26-Jul-17 22:32:48

Have had an hour of feeling desolate and crying. Not that I am weakening, I think it's just hitting me how dreadful it is and how fragile I feel. I went and checked on my beautiful children sleeping and it's breaking my heart. They don't deserve all this. I have to face having this baby all alone in a strange hospital, I feel so cheated and unloved.
I hate him for what he has done to us all.

123fushia Wed 26-Jul-17 22:55:56

You have had a very difficult day...but you got through it. Try to get some sleep and then you can face tomorrow when it comes. Just take one day at a time.
"When the light goes off in your life, don't sit in the dark. Get up and switch the light back on yourself" This is exactly what you are doing. X

User02 Thu 27-Jul-17 02:36:58

If your mum is willing to help you pack and to have you and children stay with her, this could be your best offer. The scans etc can be re-arranged. I am assuming that your mum does not live in your area. I think changing schools and hospitals is the better way forward. This man is destroying you. When someone destroys another person the only think to do is stay away. Dont come back to the area for anything and dont be chatted into accepting this life with him. You need to give your children a better chance of life than what they are in just now.
If he really thought that you threw a child down a flight of stairs he should have had police and SW out imediately. Clearly he is just talking rubbish for the sake of making a noise.
Stay with your mum a while and start a new life. hopefully the kids will not remember much of all this

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