Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Ex becoming a different person after split(33 Posts)
How common is this phenomenon?
I split with my partner recently, after a series of rows. What was meant to be temporary, is looking more likely to become permanent. I was probably 75% at fault. We have 1 child together, and both have other DC from previous relationships.
He has always been an amazing father to all of the children, and seemed to enjoy fatherhood and family life. He was devoted to the youngest 2. However since he moved out he hasn't seen any of them, hasn't asked, hasn't messaged. He is cold towards me if I mention it. It's as if they now mean nothing to him.
He has moved into his mother's house and when I checked his online account, in the space of 2 weeks had spent close to £1k on furniture, electronics and decorating. I find this particularly interesting as one of our arguments was due to his lack of contributions and being 'stingy' with money. I can't understand it.
Other than that, he seems to have been having a whale of a time. Going out to bars, pubs, cinema etc. this is coming from a pretty much homebody, who went out a few times a year at most and always said he would prefer to be at home with his family.
I feel that I am starting to not recognise who he is anymore...
Have you experienced this?
Well I didn't do what he is doing but I don't think my ex recognises me anymore because I was glad to be free of him. He didn't remember me as a happy person! He was also stingy and went crazy spending money and out with his mates. I think it was a 'fuck you' gesture from him (I left him)
It could be that ex is unhappy and not addressing it very well. Everyone copes differently with stress. How do you ask him about the kids?
I asked him why he hadn't attempted to contact them, and that my toddler (not his, but believes him to be her dad) has been missing him terribly. Our baby together is too small to notice his absence.
He didn't reply.
I'm going through this at the moment, I'm shocked he would let our kids suffer
Me too, together 10 years with one DS.
He has simply erased us from his life and is now living as if he is a teenager.
Sometimes step parents detach themselves as a means of protection. As they don't have parental rights and access can be withdrawn any time.
He may also be doing some self reflection and deciding he needs to change for himself. You say you're 75% to blame, so maybe he's also trying to reinvent himself as a person.
Maybe he is shocked, hurt or annoyed about what has happened and isn't ready to talk about the children productively.
I don't think you should look in his online bank account . It's not really your business any more what he spends his money on or whether he goes out.
Have you apologised for the75%? He feels that you didn't appreciate his commitment to the family and now thinks what the fuck I'll enjoy myself.
Why are you blaming him for changing when you admit it's your fault? Are you being stubborn for no reason?
Irrespective of who dumped who or whose fault it was, any partner who stops seeing their kids, starts spending £ like water when there was no generosity in that relationship and then treats the mother of one of his children like "someone that he used to know" is a dick of massive proportions.
I have not had this with DC involved OP but exes have become distant/unrecognisable very bloody fast on two occasions: one as had OW and guilt/just no interest in anything other than not wanting to be deemed the bad guy/had emotionally checked out the relationship. Second time was a guy who wanted to hurt me/show he did not care about the break-up/pride+alcohol+freedom.
And given that he has his baby with the OP to still provide for, it is her business what his outlays are. Unless there's already a standing order for maintenance in place.
I doubt he plans to live at his mothers too long so he is buying furnishing for his future housing needs, why would that be odd?
As my very wise aunt said to me when I was shocked at exs behaviour immediately post split, it's called estrangement for a reason.
Even now I'm not sure if he changed or if it was a case of scales falling from my eyes. In my case there was an ow but she was not influential in a negative way, all his negative behaviour absolutely came and still comes from him.
Regardless of who is at fault re split between the 2 of you the children have done nothing wrong. So to treat them badly is unforgivable!
Could he have changed his number?
Stop stalking him and DEFINITELY stop snooping at his bank account I'm not sure that's even legal!
Get maintenance organised. Get a letter sent to his mums address re contact arrangements need to be sorted and asking if he'd like to maintain contact with your older child that thinks he's their father.
Other than that no need to contact him.
No it's not Gin as long as he provides for his child, she has no say or right to say/ know what he spends his money on be it £1k on furniture which if he's got nowhere to live seems quite obvious he'll need furniture to move out of his mums, or if he's spending £10k on £10 giraffe teddy bears to get a record for the largest collection( potential drug habits aside). Think we all know that a man checking a woman's bank activity after splitting up would get called something like an "abusive controlling cunt" and rightly so. The woman would be advised to change her details immediately
I also don't see an issue with him going out most exes don't exactly have a meaningful " come over and let's relax as a family " relationship so I don't see what him preferring to stay in with family has anything to do with it,and let's face it if OP etc we're having troubles there's a chance he said that because saying anything different when you have a family is frowned upon. Friends also tend to get back in touch after a break up so more chance of going out, maybe he's trying to meet more women - again none of OPs business.
(And although his dc is a baby depending on factors such as age and needs it may not be practical if OP is breastfeeding many times a day, he could be upset over the break up/ trying to get over OP and that's a bit difficult if she's constantly around with the baby, also I'd imagine getting his life,together finding a place to live takes up a reasonable amount of his free time after presumably working. But he should start seeing the DC
All this sanctimony about checking her ex's bank account misses the point. The OP hasn't said she's arguing the toss about how he spends his money or trying to control it.
Her relationship with the father of one of her children has broken down. He has been acting completely out of character and is treating their children appallingly. Like a lot of people would in this situation, she's trying to figure out what the hell is going on and has done a bit of snooping. Although obviously some people are so perfect, they would do nothing of the sort.
I read her post as someone who is confused about what is going on and looking for some insights as she and her children are hurting, yet she gets lectured and told to mind her own business and his shit behaviour is defended and justified. Nice
I think you need to take a step back. You've split, it's 75% your fault & he has his freedom back. He's probably hurting big time & doing anything to get through it.
My DP has been divorced for a very long time. The more time passes, the less he and his exW recognise each other's behaviour. It is quite hard to imagine they were ever in a relationship as their values, conduct and personalities have grown completely apart.
Relationships change people. When relationships end, people are freed up from the constraints of the relationship to live life differently.
The issue was, I felt unappreciated. One of our last arguments was because one of our appliances broke down. I was the one who replaced it. He wanted to take money out of what he gave me for bills to cover his share. When I had to pay for it AND all of our bills. That was typical of our recent arguments. It was however, my fault that I lost my temper and had a go at him in the way that I did. He then left the house for 24 hours without letting me know where he was.
The money he is now spending is for his mum's as there is an empty bedroom at her property. I doubt he will be planning to leave there any time soon, as he doesn't have to pay rent or utilities there, and without that he will have nearly 3k directly into his pocket every month.
I shouldn't have checked his account, but I wanted to know what he had been up to, and if he was planning on coming back home. Once I saw what he was spending, within days of being gone, I realised that he wasn't. I haven't checked since.
What I can't understand is that he has always been committed to the kids. The fact that he has just effectively gone AWOL from their lives is not 'like him'. Then again, I am starting to wonder what I am dealing with now.
OP, I wonder whether you really knew him in the first place? He may have acted like he was 100% committed to you and the kids, but someone who is prepared to let you shoulder all the financial responsibility and not make their fair share of contributions isn't a wonderful partner of father, however much they claim to love you all.
FWIW, blowing your top after an argument which follows a long period of time where you're feeling the bulk of financial pressure is not you being 75% to blame.
He's walked at the first opportunity and not even had the courage to be upfront with you about his intentions not to come back.
Hes shown his true colours.
When you look back in hindsight, was he really that great? Is it that much of a change? How did his previous relationship end?
You sound too good for him
Your arguments were because you had very different views about responsibility and he clearly resented contributing financially for certain things. He's grasped the opportunity to be Mr Single with both hands and no longer has to play at being 'Mr Family man'.
He hasn't changed per se, he's now spending his money exactly how he really wants to and spending money on his family wasn't what he wanted. He isn't different, you're just seeing a side that you hadn't seen earlier or didn't want to see.
Send him an email proposing contact and maintenance and if he fails to respond, contact the CMS for maintenance and prepare yourself for the abandonment of his children to be permanent.
Ok well first off if it was 75% your fault i will eat my own head.
Especially with your most recent update. What a tool!
I had with exP.
You are just starting to realise who he has always been. He is showing you quite clearly why your relationship failed.
I know it's hard.
You didn't know him - sorry but if you have a toddler who isn't his, then you just haven't been together long enough to really know each other.
He sounds really stingy, and money is at the root of more divorces than adultery.
You do need to claim child support. It would be also helpful for you to: commit to spending time (a couple of years at least) without a new "partner" casual sex with precautions is fine, but you need to live without a man for a while. You might also seek some counselling to work out why you seem to rush into bad choices with men.
My ExH is unrecognisable from when we were together. Total makeover including hipster beard, vintage clothing, tattoos and (now this is priceless) even wears dungarees (supposed to be trendy but he is fat and middle aged, and he looks like grandpa Walton). it's like comedy gold. And shouts loud and clear why we are not together. This is who he is and we were incompatible from the off.
When we split he barely saw the kids for about a year or two.
Things are much better now.
It hurts OP but it will get better.
You didn't really know him. How long were you together? Less than 2 years? He sounds shit
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.