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Apparently going no contact is an epidemic, and parents are completely innocent

(37 Posts)
gluteustothemaximus Sun 26-Mar-17 19:16:12

I don't know if I can do a thread if it's been inspired by reading others? Sorry if I can't.

Just I can't get over what I've been reading.

Back story for me, is abusive childhood, narcissistic parents, which didn't dawn on me until my thirties. Struggled with contact, struggled with low contact. Did everything to fix things, even told them why I was upset, gave them so many chances. Responses were 'you know what she's like' 'how dare you, after all we've done for you' etc.

Very difficult going NC. Turbulent times. Still not great!

Lies being spread about me, and anyone I knew before, turned into flying monkeys.

On another forum site I have seen tonnes of threads about how selfish, self entitled nasty adult children are in my generation, cutting off contact at the drop of a hat. Saying we are a cult. Following a script. Calling anyone and everyone who does one wrong thing, a narcissist.

Mumsnet royally slagged off. Saying mumsnetters are joyfully declaring how happy it makes them to cut the grandchildren off from them, and hurt them. Saying mumsnetters are actively encouraging everyone to go NC if they say something slightly wrong.

Lots of forums talking about how they've done nothing wrong at all. Just been cut off out the blue.

This is not my experience at all on mumsnet. I have found people who have gone through NC or LC able to recognise narcissistic behaviour and advise accordingly. I have never seen, 'MIL turned up 2 seconds late'....'cut her out'

They criticise their children, and speak about them like they are still children and not adults. They say, 'nobody's perfect anyway, ED certainly isn't!'

Also, have never ever seen a woman who's cut off her parents, gloating about it. If anything, they still have problems with the guilt of going NC, even though they should never have been treated like that!!

So, yeah, not sure what I want from this thread. Just a chat really. I am incensed by the lies I guess. But I suppose not surprised. They lie in public, why not on forums?

Just makes me angry that they are blaming their awful awful behaviour on an epidemic cult of adult children who have learnt a new buzz word, narcissism.

No. We've just got access to more information on the internet, and they've been called out on their behaviour.

53rdAndBird Sun 26-Mar-17 19:21:11

Have you read this site about estranged parent forums? Very insightful... www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/

daisychain01 Sun 26-Mar-17 19:24:03

OP I think you need to be careful about over generalising and putting all parents into one homogenous narcisistic blob. Equally people shouldn't do the same by slagging off selfish teenagers, grabby 20yo's etc which is senseless and ageist.

The topic of adult DC and Parental relationships is too complex to create generalisations like the ones you have in your op. Doesnt stop your personal feelings and experiences being valid though..

gluteustothemaximus Sun 26-Mar-17 19:25:49

53rd, that's a great link, thank you. Off to read some more...grin

Aussiebean Sun 26-Mar-17 19:27:20

Don't worry about them. I know that is easier said then done, but people like that love the drama and attention they get. They also can't possibly admit to doing something wrong, because if they did, they would have to actually admit how horrible they are.

My guess is you are at the angry stage of grieving. Angry at the unfairness of it. Unfair that you got such horrible parents and how unfair it is that they 'get away with it '

I was angry for years until I got tried of the feelings. I thought it was making me tired and took away from enjoying what I actually did have.

So I let the anger go and now mostly accept it. I still get a little sad, but it doesn't take over anymore.

The important thing is to build a great life for you and if you have kids, unlearn all that awful parenting tips you were given. Hard yes, but worth it.

As for all those people who spew all that hate... stuff em and thank the universe you aren't one of them.

gluteustothemaximus Sun 26-Mar-17 19:30:24

Hi Daisy, yes I agree. I really wasn't sure whether to start this thread or not. All relationships are different, and I definitely don't want to make generalisations.

I think it came of the fact I've read, not just one or two threads, but multiple threads on several forums discussing the same thing. And all of them have referred to 'doing nothing wrong' and being cut off for no reason.

I can imagine my mother is on a site like that telling everyone how hurtful and ungrateful and difficult I am sad

gluteustothemaximus Sun 26-Mar-17 19:33:53

Thanks Aussie. I think it's been dealt with, but then I do still get angry from time to time!

Think made worse by bumping into an old friend, chatting away, and then getting contact from them with the new information. They live so close too. More angry with old friend TBH!

PossumInAPearTree Sun 26-Mar-17 19:34:56

I know for sure that my mother tells people I'm an evil, ungrateful, selfish person who simply went NC because I couldn't be bothered with her. Which is so far from the truth it's laughable. Sad thing is she's probably convinced herself it's true.

gluteustothemaximus Sun 26-Mar-17 19:42:31

That's what I'm trying to work out. Do they lie with knowledge, or do they believe what they're saying?

Bizarrely, if parents come up, I don't discuss what's happened. I don't spread lies, or tell anyone about their behaviour. I could. But I don't.

But yet even though they did so many nasty things, I am the one they are spreading lies about?!

Mind you, my ex did the same, so why am I surprised.

I am the bad daughter. Especially today, my ears should be burning.

daisychain01 Sun 26-Mar-17 20:02:30

You're not bad anything Gluteus so please don't define yourself with that inadequate descriptor. I am sure there is loads more to you the person than bad smile and as an adult you shouldn't be put in the situation where you have to seek favour or do stuff to please and be "good"

My fwiw comment having read some of the Web link above is that there will always be forums inhabited by people who want somewhere to go to validate and justify their actions. They are delusional and only see the world from their own perspective. Also they don't accept their responsibility in the relationship. So the chance to find compromise and a middle ground is futile.

hazelnutlatte Sun 26-Mar-17 20:03:11

Someone who is narcissistic will of course feel that they are in the right and only be able to see things from their point of view, so of course they will be on forums declaring their innocence!
I doubt many will believe them - no one thinks that people go nc on a whim - why would anyone do that?

MiladyThesaurus Sun 26-Mar-17 20:04:38

TBH, I feel no guilt whatsoever over having no contact with my father. It's been a good 15 years now and I have no regrets about it whatsoever.

I'm sure he'd happy to tell anyone his awful I am and how I was manipulated by my evil mother or whatever. But I don't care. I know that having DS1 finally gave me the stength to walk away. I just couldn't give him the chance to emotionally abuse my baby as he had done to me all my life. And he had started to drink again (he's an alcoholic who'd decided he'd 'recovered' and could drink again) which only made it more important.

Part of the problem is that dysfunctional people don't recognise that they're dysfunctional and destructive to others. And often they come in clusters. So you don't just get one problematic family member - the whole family is dysfunctional and you need to get away from the lot of them. They then see you as the problem and can scapegoat you rather than anything else.

So in my family, it's not just my dad. His siblings are all pretty dysfunctional and either participated in, enabled or tolerated his abusive behaviours towards me and my sister. So I have no contact with any of that side of my family.

My maternal family aren't much better. I refused to see my grandmother and her bloody awful husband from about age 10. She was violent, nasty and abusive. They were both alcoholics too (he was your stereotypical jakie). She attacked me with a knife for changing the channel on the tv when I came home from (primary) school one day. I ran away but my parents refused to believe me (or my sister, who witnessed it) and punished me for ruining their free childcare arrangement being rude to my evil grandmother.

From this you can guess that my mother is a bit of a problem too. I do have contact with her but it's fairly superficial and minimal. I don't trust her emotionally at all. She's controlling and can become nasty. DH seriously dislikes her because of some really terrible things she's done.

My sister is also a problem. Presumably as a result of our crappy childhoods, she's got serious problems and is very dysfunctional too. I can totally understand that it's a product of our upbringing, but I cannot be around it and I'm not the person to try to fix it. DH hates her (for good reason) and I make sure that we almost never see her (last time was Christmas 2015 and I've no plans to see her any time soon). My mum keeps trying to force me to have a relationship with my sister but that's only so she doesn't have to face the fact that she has no functioning family, and that it's well beyond fixing now.

In contrast the PILs are lovely people and I'm quite close to them. They're coming up to visit me and the children at Easter (DH will be away). I try to concentrate on bringing up my children surrounded by positive (if somewhat idiosyncratic) influences rather than trying to pretend that the family I was born into is in any way healthy.

gluteustothemaximus Sun 26-Mar-17 20:17:53

I doubt many will believe them - no one thinks that people go nc on a whim - why would anyone do that?

I know, I really do think this, but then I see that I have no one around now. Not siblings, not any family, and because they are pretty good at spreading gossip/lying, I must look like the nutty one.

Milday, so good to hear you have nice PILs. This must really help, and offer a different positive/healthy relationship to your children.

Unfortunately here, DH has an abusive stepdad and alcoholic mother. So, in short, we're pretty isolated and with the made up gossip, sometimes it's hard.

gluteustothemaximus Sun 26-Mar-17 20:24:00

I know that having DS1 finally gave me the stength to walk away. I just couldn't give him the chance to emotionally abuse my baby as he had done to me all my life.

This. For me too.

So sorry to read the rest of your post and the things that happened to you, but so glad you're away from it all now.

It's still raw-ish for me. 2-3 years NC, but still plenty of stalking.

MiladyThesaurus Sun 26-Mar-17 22:36:43

It does get easier. And you know it's made up nonsense.

You can surround yourselves with friends who make your life better and eventually it stops mattering so much.

PossumInAPearTree Sun 26-Mar-17 23:01:46

Thankfully my brother is also NC with my mum and I like to think that most friends of hers would realise while it may be possible to have one batshit, unreasonable child it's fairly unlikely to have two..

gluteustothemaximus Sun 26-Mar-17 23:12:06

Possum, that's true grin

We all left home very very early. DB at 14, me at 15 and other DB at 16. Not sure that's normal.

BusyHomemaker Sun 26-Mar-17 23:25:31

My parents cut both me and my DSis off at Christmas, for separate reasons. We had both (separately) started to place firm boundaries and prioritise our children over our parents. We grew up in constant conflict, never really understanding each other. Our parents cutting us off has actually brought us much closer together and we have compared notes about our upbringing and adulthood experiences with our parents and can now see how dysfunctional and toxic they are. We now see how we have both been scapegoated over the years and our DBro is the golden child. They still see him regularly. We took some comfort in the fact that they've fallen out with us both at the same time as we hope this will demonstrate to extended family and friends that this was their doing. We've recently discovered that they believe we have both made it clear to them that we no longer want them in our lives and that over Christmas we colluded against them. None of that is true. It was a shock to discover how they had twisted the facts in order to suit their own narrative. I'm sure they are receiving a lot of sympathy, whereas DSis and I are supporting each other through a kind of grieving process.

I think It's all about control with narcissists. Our parents are no longer able to control us. When we stand up to them they create a story that helps them appear to be the true victims and use it to carry out the drama further, continuing with their roles and manipulating different players. It's tragic and baffling all at once. In fact, it's bonkers.

Julia1973 Sun 26-Mar-17 23:39:43

"That's what I'm trying to work out. Do they lie with knowledge, or do they believe what they're saying?"

I don't think it's lying-just different truths if that makes sense?

To me, my nc with my dad came after years of emotional abuse escalating in later years to open threats of violence towards me and my children.

I'm sure my dad saw it as me being an overdramatic teenager who grew up to have a chip other shoulder and stood in constant judgement of his life.

However, he didn't give a shit that weren't in contact. I did text him shortly before he died- and he just confirmed that he didn't care. It broke my heart that he died without giving me any sort of closure. I didn't feel guilt though- to me it proved that my truth was the real one..

Helpmybrainsmelting Mon 27-Mar-17 01:41:09

I know exactly how you feel. I saw one thing about how generation 30 something had unrealistic expectations which annoyed me.

I'm not sure very many parents would want to cut out grandparents unless they felt they had to. I love my child's grandparents on my husband's side. I don't always agree with them but they adore my child. On my side, i can possibly deal with one patent but the other is a serious struggle. I'd like to go no contact but i don't have the balls.

Ignore what others say. All you can do is make the choices you think are right for your child. I get the theme of these forums, parenting is hard and there will be times when your child will never understand properly why you made those choices but if you feel it's not healthy for you or them then you have to do what you can to protect all of you xxxxxc

ImsorryTommy Mon 27-Mar-17 01:59:04

Most people go NC for very valid reasons. The online pop-psychology 'diagnosing' someone who has caused you pain with complex mental disorders is a very, very strange phenomenon though.

BubblingUp Mon 27-Mar-17 02:14:01

I'm glad to live in a society where we can cut out family if we need to. I don't think these types of decisions come lightly.

gluteustothemaximus Mon 27-Mar-17 02:32:31

I definitely agree NC is a very hard decision, and not thought about lightly at all. And rather than feel joyful at the pain I am 'causing', it just makes me feel sad.

I would love my children to have loving grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, but they don't because the 'don' (nickname for my mother) said if we don't speak then no one will speak to you.

And like sheep, they all followed.

I suppose thinking about it more rationally now, there's no way they'd be on a forum sharing stories of all the hurtful things they'd said and done to their children.

And yes, I think that it's their 'truth', rather than lying.

I'm glad I'm me and not them smile

PhaedrusRising Mon 27-Mar-17 02:41:07

The kind of person who has no empathy or insight or awareness of anyone's needs but their own is the sort of person who will be abusive/damaging AND also never think "Oh, some of this is on me".

The saying in the photo helped me earlier today. My narcissistic dad (NC for years) died this week. Bit of a tumult of emotions and memories, but the dominant feeling is relief.

gluteustothemaximus Mon 27-Mar-17 02:51:30

Phaedras, sorry for what you're going through, but imagine relief is definitely up there.

Great saying, very true. For you flowers

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