Apparently going no contact is an epidemic, and parents are completely innocent

[gluteustothemaximus]

I don't know if I can do a thread if it's been inspired by reading others? Sorry if I can't.

Just I can't get over what I've been reading.

Back story for me, is abusive childhood, narcissistic parents, which didn't dawn on me until my thirties. Struggled with contact, struggled with low contact. Did everything to fix things, even told them why I was upset, gave them so many chances. Responses were 'you know what she's like' 'how dare you, after all we've done for you' etc.

Very difficult going NC. Turbulent times. Still not great!

Lies being spread about me, and anyone I knew before, turned into flying monkeys.

On another forum site I have seen tonnes of threads about how selfish, self entitled nasty adult children are in my generation, cutting off contact at the drop of a hat. Saying we are a cult. Following a script. Calling anyone and everyone who does one wrong thing, a narcissist.

Mumsnet royally slagged off. Saying mumsnetters are joyfully declaring how happy it makes them to cut the grandchildren off from them, and hurt them. Saying mumsnetters are actively encouraging everyone to go NC if they say something slightly wrong.

Lots of forums talking about how they've done nothing wrong at all. Just been cut off out the blue.

This is not my experience at all on mumsnet. I have found people who have gone through NC or LC able to recognise narcissistic behaviour and advise accordingly. I have never seen, 'MIL turned up 2 seconds late'....'cut her out'

They criticise their children, and speak about them like they are still children and not adults. They say, 'nobody's perfect anyway, ED certainly isn't!'

Also, have never ever seen a woman who's cut off her parents, gloating about it. If anything, they still have problems with the guilt of going NC, even though they should never have been treated like that!!

So, yeah, not sure what I want from this thread. Just a chat really. I am incensed by the lies I guess. But I suppose not surprised. They lie in public, why not on forums?

Just makes me angry that they are blaming their awful awful behaviour on an epidemic cult of adult children who have learnt a new buzz word, narcissism.

No. We've just got access to more information on the internet, and they've been called out on their behaviour.

Thankfully my brother is also NC with my mum and I like to think that most friends of hers would realise while it may be possible to have one batshit, unreasonable child it's fairly unlikely to have two..

Yeah same here.

I came across forums like the ones you're talking about OP and found them so destructive to my sense of self that I stopped reading them after the shock of reading and hearing my mother's voice word for word saying some of the things you've already quoted.

If all those people think that then I must be wrong about it all, is kind of what happens to me. I feel like I turn into a melting jelly.

In fact, it's been a year since I read them and I can still hear her voice in them.

And like you I've told nobody any details about what happened and only told people on a need to know basis. She, however, went straight to my brother and told him something but I've no idea what.

But then I get to the bottom line: I don't care what she says about me or to whom (ok, well, almost don't care), my life without the stress, nightmares and flashbacks directly relating to her is so much better now that she's not in it. And best yet, there's no way anybody can take that away from me.

And even if it's all my fault (apparently I caused my own PTSD, because yup, I could self-traumatise..), then I'm still much happier without all her stress-making. So she can still eff off - even if it's to tell everyone in RL or online how ungrateful a daughter I am and how much she's hurting, but, you know, trying sooo hard to hide it and be strong and carry on.

Levantine - yes, I think I need to step away from the forums!

My life is a million times less stressful now. I am much more relaxed because no one is critising me anymore about anything and everything. I never realised how on edge I was all the time!

I think I was getting quite angry with the twisting, and being lumped in the self entitled 30 something bracket, following a crowd. The campaigning for grandparents rights etc

It was bad enough having to see a violent ex due to his 'rights' let alone handing kids over to evil grandparents!

There are several woe is me threads on one particular forum. On all of them it is very clear why their children have decided to cut them out.

Well to be fair, if we can accept that narcissistic parents exists in the world I suppose it stands to reason that there must also be some narcissistic adult children who have treated their parents badly without justification. As has been said, every situation unique.

Thanks for this thread. I didn't know these forums even existed.

I just googled and found one as I think I just want to try and understand why my M is the way she is.

Well I still don't get it, a lot of these people with estranged children (as they call them) are batshit crazy! It's all about how hard done by they are, how God knows the truth and how dare there children mention something that may have upset them in childhood. The pure sense of entitlement is amazing, as if there children aren't people in their own right and should bow down to their parents.

There were a few that seemed genuinely upset and wanted a relationship with their children. Also you can't really judge a situation from a post on a forum. However, the majority come across as nasty, bitter and paranoid.

I guess I'm still no closer to understanding my M.

Yes sleepy, I wasn't sure about posting as didn't want to cause triggers in a way. But at the same time, sometimes reading the batshit crazy makes me stop and realise I did the right thing, in my moments of guilt/weakness.

Yes, all situations are unique, and there definitely will be narcissistic adult children too (my SIL is one) and has my DB in her clutches.

I think on closer reading you can see the real nasty ones, but the responders are there validating the selfish children, and believing the lies. I guess I'm still struggling with the gossip spreading.

My mother never saw me as an equal, when I became a mother myself. She was still in charge. She even said, I doubt anyone will look at you and see you're the mum. You look more like the sister, and I had large gaps.

The forums are all about how immature their adult children are, and how they should bow down to them, you're right!

My parents are the king and queen. They said they preferred me as a small child, not the difficult teen and adult I became. In other words, when I did as I was told and didn't have a different opinion.

Gah. So glad am out now.

It took me over 40 years to realise the situation I was in. Haven't seen M or SD for nearly two years now but sometimes I still second-guess my decisions 'am I good enough' would 'D'M approve? Ugh.

And thank you for bringing up the point about not just one child that has gone LC or NC with M&SD. That made me realise I was the last one to go very LC. So I feel so much better about that now. They have a sporadic text contact with me and a step-brother. The other five (FIVE!) don't speak... I was either too thick or naive or maybe just spent too long in the diplomat role.

Expect the estranged GP s to turn up in force any minute, as they did on this very similar thread which wasn't even started about a post on the-forum-related-to-MN, but they were all convinced it was.

Clearly on some level they can recognise their own behaviour, even if they don't want to acknowledge it for what it is.

I also have siblings who understand my situation, some have gone very lc themselves without a big announcement, if I didn’t have that I would have seriously doubted myself. I spoke to one sil and how my Mum treated her years ago was what she did to me more recently. Like many I question myself frequently and have tried for decades to have a normal relationship with some respect. A chill goes down my spine when I read some forums and posts as I hear my mother. To be honest it makes me feel a little nautious because it brings back memories of being a child and having no control.

There will always be difficult people out there, it doesn't matter if they are partners, friends, parents or children. I know a family where the daughter is pretty much estranged due to severe mental health problems and drug addiction. It's very sad but the parents and siblings have to protect themselves when she comes begging for money. I can see how someone will manipulate their partner into reducing contact with family to isolate them, I can't imagine what that's like to see as a parent.

My guard does go up when I see people being very dismissive and lumping words together like inexperienced, selfish, youngsters, fads. As if the root cause of the problem must be slightly brainless young people. Then of course age is equated with experience and wisdom, someone who should be listened to.

I'm heading towards 50, I would like to think of myself as having decades of knowledge, experience and wisdom. Or I could also have decades worth of bad habits, insecurities, destructive thought patterns and bitterness

Effzeh - excellent thread, plenty of reading there!