I have posted before, and not even bothered to name change this time, about my relationship with my husband.
I'm at breaking point, but I'm still so uncertain. I still don't know what I want from here. Probably confirmation, though I suspect I may only believe a certain viewpoint.
I'm going to try to tell this from my husbands point of view, as I feel you need all the information to make a proper judgement.
We have been together 20+ years. In this time I have never given him enough attention. By attention I mean just general paying attention to him - cuddles and kisses etc. But also sex. We argue about this a lot now and have done over the past few years if not longer. I don't really make any effort to change this, or if I do it only lasts a couple of days and then it's nothing. I've been treating him like shit the entire relationship and he's had enough of it.
Many years ago at work I cheated on him (this is his opinion. We were having a rough time and I talked about it to a male friend at work. This friend sent me a letter saying that he thought we should be together. Husband (then bf) found this and believes I had an affair. I felt betrayed by my friend at the time as he was just a friend). Another time I was emailing a guy at work, telling him all about how I was engaged and generally just being friendly. Husband found these and again thinks I was trying to cheat on him.
Anyway we had a massive argument again last night. It culminated from a while ago when I said I thought he was controlling but couldn't give any specific examples. Also because I had to go away for training with work and he was jealous and I just got annoyed with him instead of being supportive. I told him I hated the way he talks down to me all the time like I was a child. He said that if I'm going to do stupid shit all the time I deserve to be spoken to like that. Also he has had to put up with years of me treating him like shit so I can't complain.
I managed to give him an example of him talking down to me. We have a few cats and one of them isn't allowed outside as he can be a bit stupid. But he likes to bolt outside sometimes and has caught me by surprise. Husband often shouts at me when that happens, even if it happens to him too. I told him this and he went mental. Said that he'd just had to pick a dead cat up from the road today and clearly I don't care about any of them being found dead and how I have to take it back or he'll go slit all their throats right now.
Ok, clearly even I know this is wrong to say, but as his anger at me in general for bringing this up misplaced? I care about the cats a lot, and I don't think my not wanting o be yelled at about it diminishes that.
But what if I have been treating him like shit. I don't always give him much attention, certainly not anymore because I don't really want too. But am I just feeding into a vicious circle I need to break.
I don't think I've done a very good job of explaining any of this :(
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
What if it is actually all my fault
Notwittyenough · 25/03/2017 11:34
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