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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

New man I am seeing is a virgin aged 26...

133 replies

NameChangeAnon123 · 04/03/2017 18:23

I recently came out of a long relationship and one of the key reasons we split up was lack of sex, bad sex when we did have it and my ex-partners selfishness in bed. It was a very one-sided relationship and he was addicted to porn.

I have started seeing a new guy. We have been on a few dates now, he seems to be a really lovely and genuine guy. He has a good career, family and is generally a very well rounded person. Last night we went out, had a great time and I initiated the conversation about relationship history. He told me that he has never had a relationship, or had sex because he has been so focused on studying for his career (medicine). He also said he has never met the right person to want to be in a relationship or have sex with.

I don't know if I am being ridiculous because of my experience with my ex, but this did ring alarm bells. I find it very strange that he wouldn't have had a relationship at 26, or slept with anyone. As bad as this sounds, I am concerned that if I do enter into a sexual relationship with him I will have to take on the role of a teacher which I don't want to do.

Am I being silly, or is this a little odd considering his age?

OP posts:

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Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 04/03/2017 18:25

Unless he still lives with his parents I would give things a chance!!

annandale · 04/03/2017 18:26

It's unusual but hardly unheard of. My dh was a virgin until he was 27 - another med student background!

I do think it indicates a likely slightly lower sex drive. However, you may find that after such a long preparation he is ready for a feast with you.

Surely you have to teach every new partner about yourself and your preferences? He should have the basic biology part down, at least

Amaretto · 04/03/2017 18:27

Well I was a virgin at that age too.
I'm and was stable. Nothing wrong with me at all.

I can't remember my bf at the time being my 'teacher' either - was your first bf your teacher??

NameChangeAnon123 · 04/03/2017 18:28

He does still live with his parents, which was another alarm bell. Although he has told me that he is still living with them because he is saving up for a house.

He lived with them whilst studying as well, so he has never lived independently, which is another thing I found a little strange.

OP posts:

SherlockPotter · 04/03/2017 18:29

Why would it be odd if he's never had sex? I didn't realise you had to lose your virginity by a certain age. I get his point, he's waiting for the right person. I don't get 'unless he lives with his parents' comment either.

TulipsInAJug · 04/03/2017 18:29

I wouldn't worry, however before going any further you need to establish his 'relationship' with porn. The reason he's never has sex may well be because he's addicted to porn.

SherlockPotter · 04/03/2017 18:30

Depending on where you are located, house prices are really expensive even if you're renting. He's probably staying at home to save money, living at home doesn't make you any less independent either.

CherylBlossom · 04/03/2017 18:32

Oh god, run away now.

ShelaghTurner · 04/03/2017 18:33

This was me at 26, DH was exactly the same. We've been married nearly 17 years now. I resent the implication that it makes you odd

annandale · 04/03/2017 18:34

Give the guy a chance. Training to be a doctor is so unbelievably demanding, none of the things he is saying are unreasonable. I think you are likely to be sensitive to this because of horrible past experiences, not unreasonable either. It took me months to share a bed overnight with my now dh as being in the same bed as my xh became so miserable I couldn't go back to it.

It seems unlikely that he's never used porn, but that's a long way from addicted. He might not have done - my dh did own a copy of Playboy I think when I met him but it had dust on it and that was about it.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2017 18:34

It wouldn't be for me, sorry.

NameChangeAnon123 · 04/03/2017 18:46

I know I am probably being a little oversensitive because of my past relationship history. Perhaps I am a little misguided but I am assuming he must have a pretty low sex drive (mine is fairly high).

Regardless of the virgin status, I do find it strange that he has never had a relationship before. He told me that none of the previous people he has been on dates with have gone beyond a couple of weeks.

OP posts:

AnneEyhtMeyer · 04/03/2017 19:11

The virgin thing is much less of a worry than the still living at home situation, IMO.

starsinyourpies · 04/03/2017 19:15

I have plenty of medic friends, they all had time for partners and sex while they were students/junior doctors! Does he have friends? That is an important question.

ShelaghTurner · 04/03/2017 19:15

So many assumptions, why stop with just the one?

MajesticWhine · 04/03/2017 19:22

I don't think I would be concerned. See how it goes, judge him for how he treats you, not for his track record in the bedroom.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 04/03/2017 19:32

No big deal. My husband didn't tell me he had lost his virginity to me until after we DTD. We were both in our twenties.

He'd had a few snogs, but the women he ended up in bed with just used him for one sided foreplay. He said he found them selfish. He was to much of a gentleman to, um, press his point home so to speak.

So when we entered into a mutually satisfying relationship he was glad that it wasn't as one sided as all the other times.

He sure knows what a clitoris is for ! Reader, I married him. That's one of the many things that set him apart from anyone else I had dated.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 04/03/2017 19:37

In the nicest way, give the guy a blinking break!

He's been working incredibly hard, prob since school, through all his years of training and study. Plus the house price issue added to the fact that he won't have known where he'd be based post training.

Yes, he might be a mummy's boy with no "skills", but he may also be a real find, happily still available due to specific circumstances. It would be very unkind to rule him out purely because he's been honest with you and hasn't been putting it about.

RandomMess · 04/03/2017 19:38

My DH was 24 when I met him, still living at home (saving up to move out) no other partners. He was always fab in bed with a high sex drive so give him a chance.

I should think the amount of time he's put into studying hasn't given him much time for relationships etc. Living at home whilst you study is becoming more the norm. too.

PinkCrystal · 04/03/2017 19:41

It wouldnt bother me if he was a nice person. I know 2 medical students in their 20s and both live with parents for financial reasons.

Vegansnake · 04/03/2017 19:44

No ,let him go, let him find someone who will appreciate his uniqueness,

Sidge · 04/03/2017 19:45

I'd rather be with a committed, respectful, hard working, financially careful virgin than a porn-addicted, spendthrift shagabout!

Give him the benefit of the doubt. If you find he's not for you then kindly ditch him and move along. But don't write someone off just because they don't fit into a preconceived box.

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VimFuego101 · 04/03/2017 19:45

I'd be more worried about the fact he'd never lived away from home, to be honest.

OnHold · 04/03/2017 19:49

Lots of people still live at home in their 20s these days. It wouldn't bother me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 19:52

"I know I am probably being a little oversensitive because of my past relationship history".

Being a virgin does not indicate having a lower sex drive; where do people get such nonsensical ideas from?. Not all people have sex by their mid 20s nor it does not indicate an overt fondness for porn.

What was your experience with your ex like?. How much baggage have you brought from that?. You will need to unlearn some stuff that you picked up along the way from that relationship.

I think you are not giving this person enough credit. He being different from all the other men you have dated is not a bad thing at all, it should be a refreshing change to you. Different does not equal bad.

Med school training is 5 years plus of hard graft and its expensive to boot. I am not at all surprised that he is living at home currently.

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