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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How to tell him I want to postpone wedding

324 replies

FrugalFot · 02/02/2017 09:27

Hi,
I'm new here and I am looking for advice on how to tell my fiancé that I want to postpone the wedding but doing it in a way that is not going to be 'jilting'.

It's all about money really and I know that shouldn't be a factor if you want to get married but I feel under a lot of pressure.
About a 18 months ago, I went freelance. At the time my parents were really supportive, particularly my dad and he lent me the money to buy my expensive camera equipment and I gave up my rented flat in a city I loved to move back in with them rent free while I got on my feet.

Meanwhile my boyfriend was living and working in another city and he was buying a house. He had much more savings then meas he bought and sold a house with a really good profit and his jobs have been higher paid. I've been paid peanuts to learn my craft so to speak, plus he's 7 years older so more advanced in his career.

He asked me to move in andat first Isaid I couldn't because I wasn't really earning a profit yet. He said he'd put me down in his mortgage application as an additional £400 a month income and he thought that was a reasonableamount to expect from mebut he understood if I couldn't pay that straight away.

And he said that we would probably save £400 a month in traveling back and to and meeting halfway to go out. And he pointed out, I'd be there all the time anyway, which was true as much as my work is in his city.

And he was right, I was, so I agreed as I didn't want to take advantagebut after a couple of months he started to get cross if I couldn't give him the £400 yet.I was still getting money pretty sparodically.And then my dad was getting cross with me if I couldn't pay him any money towards the loan. And I couldn't tell him I was struggling as we had rowed about it when I said I was moving out.

Since then, I've been constantly worried about money and it's wearing me down and I can't sleep or talk to anyone. I've got myself in a mess.

Six months after I moved in, he surprised me for my birthday with a trip to Paris and proposed and I said yes. But the pressure's just mounted. Paris was expensive and I didn't have loads of money to spend as I hadn't been expecting it, so on the last day we had to share a lunch between us and I felt awful.

Because I'd got my engagement ring for my birthday, he hinted he'd like a playstation for his and I just couldn't afford it and he was really disappointed. When I got my first pretty big cheque I wanted to go to IKEA to buy a desk and a chair and it ended in a row that I didn't buy anything for the house.

Anyway, in the last year, things have really picked up for me and I'm doing well, but money-wise I just can't keep up with everything and I still have no clothes and no highlights in my hair.

The wedding is in August and things are getting serious. My BF took voluntary redundancy from his job and got quite a big payoff. I encouraged him to as he had been unhappy and said if worse came to the worse, we could do some work together (both creative fields).

He hasn't had any work to speak of and his redundancy money is dwindling and he is getting cross about it. And he blames me a little bit. He says I persuaded him, but I thought I was just being encouraging and supportive. I get annoued when I go out on a morning job and come back just before lunch and he's still in bed.

My dad has given us £5,000 towards the wedding, which we decided to use on just an amazing trip away as he wanted to get married abroad. The deposit's already been paid. I wanted to be with friends and family so we compromised on a small civil ceremony and party here. But the costs for this are mounting. To try and make up for it, so it's not all about me, and because I've got the nice ring, my BF wanted to get a tailor-made suit which is costing a lot and I went for a really cheap dress but I hate it.

I am an eternal optimist and I always think the money will come in from this big job soon, but it never comes in time and I'm worried.

I feel like it's all a mess, but I feel so responsible, like I got us here and I don't know what to do.

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hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2017 09:32

Call off the wedding.
Don't just postpone it.
Go back to your parents and start saving again.
What are you partners good points???
I can't see any here!

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FrugalFot · 02/02/2017 09:34

Reading it back, I know it all sounds really frivolous and lame. I'm just moaning about playstations and a lunch in paris and clothes and highlights and tailored suits, but there's this pressure to be able to stump up for these things

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expatinscotland · 02/02/2017 09:36

Call this off! You tell him, 'This isn't working,' and move out.

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Ilovecaindingle · 02/02/2017 09:37

There should never be this sort of financial pressure in a good relationship. . ..
Take a step back and return his ring. . He will want to get his money back likely!!

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FrugalFot · 02/02/2017 09:39

hells
He does have good points and I do love him. We were friends for years before we got together. I was attracted to him because he's really clever I suppose and I know he loves me. He gets stressed about money but he doesn't treat me badly. He pursued me for a long time so I know he appreciates me.

I don't think my parents like him but are maintaining a respectful silence. Sometimes I wonder if I am unfair on him because I'm looking at him through their eyes and I shouldn't care what other people think?

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bonnymnemonic · 02/02/2017 09:41

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think you just need to be really honest with everyone. It sounds like you're eager to please people, but in doing so have taken on a big financial burden/commitment.

Open up to your dad and fiancé about the anxiety you're feeling around your finances. Admit that you have overcommitted yourself and are struggling to keep on top of everything. Your fiancé will likely feel very disappointed that the wedding is postponed, but should hopefully appreciate the honesty and be more concerned about your wellbeing. If he can't show any understanding, I would seriously reconsider your future with him.

Good luck!

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FrugalFot · 02/02/2017 09:49

It's not just the finances, it just feels like we can never quite agree and everything gets complicated. I really wanted just a small service, with just immediate family. But his immediate family is much smaller than mine so he wanted some friends too to make it equal. But if he invites his best friend, there's no way I can not invite mine etc.

And I've got this big fear and anxiety about walking down the aisle. I really don't want to. But he says this is something he really wants me to do and as he has agreed to have something over here I should do it.

And it's a small compromise but I don't feel excited about my wedding, I feel scared

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bonnymnemonic · 02/02/2017 09:50

Also, I don't buy into the 'It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks'. I am very close to my siblings and DM and trust their judgement and opinions on a broad range of topics; they also know me better than just about anyone, if I felt that they didn't like a partner of mine, it would (and has) caused me to question the relationship.

In most functional families, they simply want the best for you and their disapproval of your partner may be because they don't think he treats you right or that you are completely happy in the relationship. If course there are plenty of dysfunctional families too where this may not apply!

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SugarMiceInTheRain · 02/02/2017 09:55

Your fiance doesn't sound nice at all from what you posted. Basically like he's keeping a tally of what he's given you/ spent and expecting the same back. Perhaps you can't see it because you're in love, but I guess your parents see right through him and that's why they're not keen on him. I'd call time on the relationship and move back in with your parents, they sound more supportive. Forget about what's been paid out already - it's the sunken costs fallacy - don't continue something that will make you anxious and miserable. Your mental health is worth more than a wedding deposit.

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FrugalFot · 02/02/2017 09:56

Thanks bonny

I don't know, I think it's because they don't think we are suited. My mum knew his for years like I did and she's always thought of him as grumpy. They just don't know him like I do, how fun he can be and how much we laugh.

When I first started dating him, my mum expressed her disbelief and said she thought it was a bad match as I am a bit of a wanderer and disorganised and not good at being tied down and I'm really upbeat whereas he does come across as a bit more set in his ways and safe. But we have a lot of mutual friends and they all love the fact we got together and I think we balance each other out.

Mum has since apologised for what she said in the beginning, but they still keep their distance.

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APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/02/2017 10:01

I don't feel excited about my wedding, I feel scared
Listen to this instinct. Yy some people have nerves before a wedding but this isn't nerves. You're scared and your OP screams that you feel your life is spiralling out of control. It's full of demands from your bf and is focused on what he wants. This isn't because you have 'spun' it from your perspective. You've actually bent over backwards to try to spin your bf positively but it doesn't change the fact that you have ended up in a situation which doesn't suit you at all and that he's blaming you for his bad decision.
Call the wedding off and move back home. tbh your bf shouldn't have pressured you to move in with him in the first place. Your original plan was much more sensible.

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APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/02/2017 10:05

Also being 'an eternal optimist' can be another way of saying you put your head in the sand, hope for the best and wait for the happy ending. (hands up - I recognise this because I absolutely have this tendency myself!). Getting married isn't a time for eternal optimism. It's a time for looking at your reality and seeing if it measures up to a life that will fulfil you and make you happy.

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fuzzywuzzy · 02/02/2017 10:06

Run run as fast you can away from this person.

If at this beginning stage where you've moved in together, he's grinding you down and making unreasonable demands of you and blaming the consequences of his own shot decisions on you. What the hell will he be like when he has you tied in a marriage maybe with children!

He's a horrible horrible man.

For comparison my dp and I discuss mutual finances, he does not foist his preferences on me regarding our wedding nor does he expect me to finance his extravagant choices. I'm like you do not like the idea of walking down an aisle and we have reached a mutual compromise altho he'd ideally love a big flinch wedding, we've reached a mutually acceptable alternative and he's thrilled I am willing to be his wife!

You're partner should be considering your feelings and not demanding expensive gifts and extravagant celebrations when you can't meet those expectations.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect and your hopes, fears and ambitions should be equally important to your partner. Move back home, cancel the wedding, get back as much of your dads money as you can and go back to your parents.

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FrugalFot · 02/02/2017 10:12

Thank you aplace

That's exactly right, I do feel like it's spiralling out of control and it's taking over my head. And I always find when I get stressed, I do lose control, I get more disorganised and forgetful etc.

I was working away Mon/Tues and BF was picking me up from the station. There have been a few problems with trains and he asked me to let him know if I was going to be delayed. I was reading my book and was in a world of my own and I totally forgot to call him. When I got my phone out of my pocket, he'd called several times but it was on silent (he hates that) and it was running out of battery (another thing I do which drives him crazy), so I called him to apologise and he angrily asked where I was but my phone ran out. By the time I pulled into the station I was so anxious to get to as phone, I left my suitcase on the train with purse in it! I called him and he was angry and had driven home by then. So I walked home the eight miles.

And I just felt like it had all got out of control, I just seem to be messing things up because I've got so much going on in my head and it's causing problems

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SquitMcJit · 02/02/2017 10:15

Also, a small point but an engagement ring isn't a birthday present. It's an engagement ring. So there should have been no expectation that you would be reciprocating with an expensive birthday gift for him.

In fact, if he didn't get you anything other than the ring then technically he owes you a present...

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Ellisandra · 02/02/2017 10:17

You would marry a man who let you walk home 8 miles?

Run run run, as fast as you can.

Every word you say on here makes him sound AWFUL. Really, honestly, awful.

Don't postpone, cancel.

Trust me, a lost holiday deposit is a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce, years of financial problems, and a fuck ton of counselling to sort out your shattered self esteem and self!!!

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RockyBird · 02/02/2017 10:19

The hills are that way --->

RUN

all the best to you, OP

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FrugalFot · 02/02/2017 10:21

fuzzy what you said about hopes and ambitions being equally as important strikes a chord - I had an idea for a creative project I wanted to do in my own time and maybe I might be able to sell it if it turns out well. But he the idea was rubbish and I need to be concentrating on working to earn money for 'us' and I said it needs to be less about me and more about us. He always says that.

And squit I pointed that out too but there was also the trip to Paris thrown in there too

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ddrmum · 02/02/2017 10:22

Just leave. Anyone who is hapoy to let you walk 8mikes home is not the person to spend your life with. He wants a tailored suit & you're making do with a wedding dress you hate? Why would you do that to yourself. You're engagement ring was you're birthday present & he wanted a playstation??? Did you ask for an engagement ring for your birthday?? I would postpone the wedding & move back home. Hes causing you unnecessary stress and as you are already stressed, imagine how bad it will be when you are married ? Your fiance sounds very controlling. Take it from one who's been there and still bears the scars. Do not marry this man. Save yourself for someone who values you as a person. Best of luck .

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ddrmum · 02/02/2017 10:23

Gah!! sorry about the typos Blushx

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FrugalFot · 02/02/2017 10:24

OK, well I'm not sure if I was expecting to be told to 'run' quite so many times. I thought I might even get told to grow up a little bit and get used to the real world.

I think I do want to run, but sometimes I wonder if I've just got myself in a negative mindset and I am only noticing the bad bits and the stress and ignorning all the good bits

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FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2017 10:25

He left you at the station to walk 8 miles home because he was angry with you about something entirely trivial in the scheme of things?? Just to make a point?

Listen to your instincts, OP.

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specialsubject · 02/02/2017 10:26

He hates your phone being on silent? He puts you down? He has no sense about money. He wants a big flashy wedding that you will hate.

All this shouts controlling money wasting loser. Cancel and run.

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TheTombstonesMove · 02/02/2017 10:27

Agree with everyone else. He sounds awful. You sound full of doubt and self-doubt. Do you have any RL friend you could confide in who would give it to you straight?

Honestly, move out. Reassess. Be brave.

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specialsubject · 02/02/2017 10:28

There is a sticky post about headed 'listen up' about normal relationships. Yes, nobody's perfect but this is well beyond that.

Run!

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