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Finances in 2nd relationships

(161 Posts)
Kirsty67 Tue 01-Nov-16 11:58:41

My partner and I are both mid 50's and have been together 5 years.
We both have 1 child each and both had previous long term relationships - both were over before we met.
Im still in full time employment but my partner is retired after 30 years in the police and has now gone into self employed part time consultancty work.
As time has gone on I have sold my home to move in with him and now contribute £500 per mth towards his (£360 per mth) mortgage and utilities. I also am the main contributor to holidays etc although he contributes towards spending money.
Last year he drew up a will leaving everything to his son. This will consists of a very large amount of money and the house.The executor of the will is his ex partner (the mother of his son) which I didn't agree with as they dont get on at the best of times, she has control until the son reaches 25 in 7 years time.

I have asked my partner to put a caviat in the will to say I will not be thrown out of our home should anything happen to him as this is now my home, all my furniture has now replaced much of his and I am contributing £500 towards the mortgage etc.
To cut a long story short he has said that his ex wont throw me out and he's not changing the will as Im not entitled to his money.
I explained I dont want money as I work and have my own savings but at my age I need security of knowing should anything happen to him (he's 57) that for a short term period I can stay in our home and certainly be allowed to remove all the furniture and my personal belongings.
Im too old to be taking on a mortgage in my own right should anything happen and it scares me.
I dont know his ex partner that well and I believe her interest will be for her son and not me.

Is anyone in a similar position or has this happened to anyone else?

NapQueen Tue 01-Nov-16 12:01:01

If you are not on the deeds of the house then you should not be paying a penny towards the mortgage.

50% of all bills, yes. 50% of all holidays and treats etc, yes.

Stop paying towards the mortgage.

Kirsty67 Tue 01-Nov-16 12:15:56

I pay more than 50% to hols and treats - but thats another story...

I sold mine to move in with him at his request but all I can see is him benefitng from it.... and it scares me should anything happen.
His attitude quite frankly appauled me.
I dont want money just the reassurance of a home at least for 12 months or so in the event of something unforseen happening.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 01-Nov-16 12:30:24

I think your man is and has no real interest in your long term well being. You really have no security, financial or emotional here, with this man and you have really sleep walked yourself into a very precarious financial situation. Basically what is his is his and what is yours is yours.

Your legal position is also very poor in the event you were to separate from this individual who is really using you here. His whole attitude is about him and his own self interest, he has in you a housekeeper and someone to look after him. He has not and will not make any real long term provision for you.

You also need to stop paying any mortgage payments; that is money you will never see again.

Yourarejokingme Tue 01-Nov-16 12:32:32

Stop paying it all and do now
Put the money away you give into savings of your own.
Why does he say your not entitled to his money when it's "our" money surely.
Has he always been like this? As I'd be seriously looking at the relationship and asking yourself do you want to be with this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 01-Nov-16 12:35:15

He is a selfish individual whose true colours you are now seeing. Its all about him and to a lesser extent his ex wife and son. He regards "his" money as his and his alone, you were never a part of that.

I would be thinking very carefully about your whole relationship with this man.

Joysmum Tue 01-Nov-16 12:43:11

I think you should reassess and make contributions based only on you being in a shared house arrangement.

Even family that live each other dearly do some pretty weird things when somebody close to them dies and you have no rights shiukfvhe pass away before you.

You must protect your future. Stop paying extra and instead invest any differences in income to try to get yourself back on the property ladder with a flat you can rent out. Do not subsidise his lifestyle until you are financially secure given he's not willing to protect your position.

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub Tue 01-Nov-16 12:44:26

I would imagine if he did 30 years in the police he would have got a big lump sum and a good monthly pension. It sounds like he is only interested in leaving to his son. Why is your name not on the deeds? The situation sounds a bit scary to me, could you afford to buy a small place of your own for security? Is he quite tight with money generally? I agree with others, I wouldn't be contributing to the mortgage and would be seriously thinking about your future. I wouldn't want the thought I would have to move out of my home hanging over me. Don't want to be morbid but something could happen to him tomorrow. Good luck OP x

knaffedoff Tue 01-Nov-16 12:45:34

I am sorry, but I would not contribute towards his mortgage and would be looking to safe guard myself financially. I know someone who was with his partner for 20yrs, he nursed her through cancer for 6years. He was told at the funeral that her next of kin was taking possession of the house with a view to selling and he was given 7 days to vacate.

Move out and don't be played by this man any longer x

MadeForThis Tue 01-Nov-16 12:50:33

Are the mortgage and bills £1000 per month. I doubt it.
You are paying to live in his house. He doesn't seem to be giving a fair or equal contribution.

RedMapleLeaf Tue 01-Nov-16 12:52:30

You're crazy to sign-up to this arrangement.

Finances the second time around are much trickier. My boyfriend and I are at an earlier stage than you two. He has moved in to my house and if all is going well in five years, say, I'd be open to buying the next house with him. In the meantime he pays half of the bills and food etc and none of my mortgage. It's not romantic, but in a way it suits us both. He gets to save up a little nest egg and I get to keep 100% of my asset. In this way, we both have financial independence and security.

RedMapleLeaf Tue 01-Nov-16 12:53:36

Are the mortgage and bills £1000 per month. I doubt it.

Why? I would be paying less than that if I wasn't over-paying my mortgage confused

Kirsty67 Tue 01-Nov-16 12:53:49

His attitude with money has always been quite astonishing....If he spends anything it does become a huge topic of conversation..
He has a serious amount of money in the bank now due to retirement and through his late parents...but he makes an issue of anything he spends.
He even "forgot " to tell me when he received his final retirement cheque.
My discussions about my finances are open and honest but he has money in the bank he wont touch yet Im contributing towards his mortgage.

I feel as if im paying rent and its starting to make me really upset and anxious.

Kirsty67 Tue 01-Nov-16 12:54:45

No....his mortgage alone is only £360...

itsawonderfulworld Tue 01-Nov-16 12:58:00

I may be wrong but I think that if you've been contributing to the mortgage you may have established a legal interest in the house, which gives you certain rights, such as - crucially in this case - the right to continue living in the property AND to a share in the profits when it's sold. The advice on the Moneysavingexpert property forum to anyone asking about "moving in" a new partner is always to not accept ANY payment towards the mortgage as they would then have rights to the house. So I don't think you should stop contributing towards the mortgage at all! Take legal advice and then start planning what you want to do.

80sWaistcoat Tue 01-Nov-16 12:59:38

Finances second time round are complicated. But both partners should feel like they are showing each other kindness and security without children/siblings losing out.

I don't have kids and live with DH who has 3. I rent out my house. I'm not on the deeds of his house, don't pay into the mortgage and won't have any claim on it in the event of us divorcing.

However we arranged to have a clause put specifically into his will that I can stay in the house with a 60% share and then have 2 years to buy his kids out or sell so that they get a share. So I won't be homeless but his kids don't lose out. Another common way of doing it is to leave the house in trust so that the surviving partner has somewhere to live for the rest of their life.

Your arrangement leaves you v vulnerable and I'd be seriously looking at your options. You need your own security, however you manage that.

LondonYogaSuz Tue 01-Nov-16 13:01:55

Completely agree with above, speak with a solicitor so you're fully aware of your rights here.

Out of interest how was the £500 arrived at? If mortgage is £360 and then utilities, he's massively benefitted from you overpaying and he'll have been able to put even more towards his seemingly considerable savings, which currently he doesn't seem to have any plans to leave any of to you should anything happen?!

Joysmum Tue 01-Nov-16 13:27:00

What's truly worrying here is not just that you'll be out on your ear if he dies before you, it's not even that you are contributing towards an asset that will never be yours, nor that in doing so it's at the expense of never owning your own home, it is the fact that you are subsidizing his lifestyle despite the fact that he is able to go halves and he doesn't see that as a problem hmm

Joysmum Tue 01-Nov-16 13:28:14

...sorry I posted too soon.

So this isn't about what MIGHT happen when he dies, it's about what he's making you do and give up NOW!

Ginslinger Tue 01-Nov-16 13:30:52

I think you should move out and get your own place - he's very selfish.

MardyGrave Tue 01-Nov-16 13:49:45

Buy your own place, refuse to pay his mortgage.

Mouseinahole Tue 01-Nov-16 14:04:40

This man is not, in any way, your loving partner. It is time for you to establish some security for your own future.
Can you use your savings for a buy to let property? It would be even better if you just left him altogether but you sound committed to him. What about your son? Why are you paying your 'partner's' mortgage? Have a are being exploited and, I am sorry to say, he does not love you at all.

Dozer Tue 01-Nov-16 14:07:54

You made a big mistake moving in on those terms and should immediately reduce your monthly payments or move out until you have some financial/legal security.

loobyloo1234 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:17:48

OP - do you have enough in savings to buy a house for yourself? I would start by doing that if I were to be completely honest. Say to him you need to have some kind of security long term and that would be the only way to guarantee it. You could then rent out the place you buy, and say to him you have to contribute more to that now, and will therefore only be able to pay 50% of the bills from now on? hmm

Kirsty67 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:18:22

Ive been feeling insecure and scared since my own house was sold and I realised that he had no interest in protecting me in the event of being left on my own.

The £500 was simply what he came up with...On top of this I still buy food and pay my way when we go out and pay for hotels, tickets for concerts etc. Its all getting on top of me but Im not very good at talking things through . My ex husband was abusive (not with money) with his drinking and his temper and his hands so I learnt to keep quiet...I need to take a deep breath and tell my partner how unfair this all is.

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