How do we make this work?

[regencyromancer]

NC for this one as I don't want to be identified. Have been with DP for just shy of a year, everything was going swimmingly until I introduced him to my kids and family. 4 children ranging from 2-13 who are wonderful but like all kids very demanding. DP has 4 DC from a previous marriage but he isnt close to them and rarely sees them. I have introduced DP to the DC and it hasn't gone well. DP good with the kids but expects them to be seen and not heard, they are kids at the end of the day and they are not always well behaved but they are not banshee's either. He wants me to put the kids to bed at 7 so we can have alone time every night and have dinner w/o the DC but I dont think this is fair. I really love him but dont know how to deal with this. He has been critical of my mothering recently which upset me and he said he expected to be put first sometimes but how can I when they are my children. He wants to go on a holiday but has insisted I leave the kids with my EXH. Hes really lovely most of the time but my DC are a sticking point and Im not sure what to do to make us all more inclusive.

[alafolie29]

Run away now. Not close to his own kids? Sounds like a dick. Your children are more important than any man.

I do have to say that I strongly believe in carving out some time alone as a couple. But what you're describing is beyond that.

[Myusernameismyusername]

No he isn't the man for you. Sorry but this is giant alarm bells ringing everywhere. He is instantly trying to find ways to offload them and make him your priority. I can't see him willing to fit in when family life, can you? I mean it's one thing him being 'nice' all the while he can't wait to make them go to bed or to their dads.

There will be a good reason why he isn't seeing his own children and I think a bad father is horribly unattractive in a man.

[Bob19702]

How can he criticise your parenting skills when he doesn't see his own children, nobody should come between your children and you I wouldn't put up with that and that's from a man ...

[springydaffs]

Oh dear. I couldn't get beyond ' not close to his kids '

But it got worse!

Girl, he's NOT lovely.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

Erm next he will be telling you not to meet your friends so you can spend time with him!!!

[AnyFucker]

He doesn't like children

That's a bit of a problem for you really, isn't it

[regencyromancer]

I feel bad as I dont want to paint him in a bad light, he's very lovely in all other aspects but he lacks some serious patience when it comes to my DC. His kids are all grown up and I dont think he was v.involved when they were younger as he lived a jet set lifestyle because of his career. I dont think he qualifies as a bad father because hes not close to them though he cares about them and would always be there for them if they needed him. I dont want to give up on the relationship as we are very good together in all other aspects. I was thinking of suggesting a long weekend away with us all together to see how that goes?

[Myusernameismyusername]

Ok well good luck for the next 16 years until your smallest one is 18 and you will eventually feel less guilty about being torn between your man and your kids.

Honestly I don't get it. Please explain it? I'm a single mother and it is THE number one most important aspect of meeting someone new, that it has to work for the sake of the kids. Not the sake of my partner. I have, and would always walk away even from a 'good man' who found my kids to be an obstacle to our lives

[HeddaGarbled]

Ha ha to putting a 13 year old to bed at 7.00pm. The man is deluded (or a selfish knob, you decide).

[Newbienew]

As username says not the man for you.
Sounds like you put your kids first so you will regret and resent any future with this man.
There is someone out there who will be lovely in all other aspects but will also appreciate your kids come first.

[carmenta]

He wanted you to get a 13 year old to go to bed at 7? That's not reasonable, he doesn't understand children from the sound of it. It also sounds like he just doesn't like kids - he wasn't involved with his kids when they were young (by choice I have to assume), he's not close to his kids now, he doesn't like your kids... I don't think a weekend away is going to help.

[VinoTime]

So he spent very little time with his own children while they were growing up, isn't close to them now as a result, and doesn't seem to like yours very much. Why are you still with this man?

He may be lovely in a lot of ways, OP, but he doesn't have time for your children. How can you possibly entertain the thought of staying with a man who wants your children to be seen and not heard?! How can you want to be with a man who doesn't seem to accept your children as being a factor - he's criticising your parenting, making demands on how you parent, expecting you to shuffle your children off to bed early to make time for him, he doesn't want to include your children in holiday plans, etc.

This is not the man for you. Your children come first, surely?

[Myusernameismyusername]

Your kids are going to hate this man if you agree to impose all these changes to make him happy. The happy medium is that you say no to him and if he's a lovely nice man, he will understand. You come as a package. I would strongly advise going back i dating him if you aren't going to dump him and do not have him around your kids at all.

The youngest ones can't have long been on their own with you as it is, if only 2, and the eldest has hit their teens which are some of the most delicate years of their lives. Yes this is about putting your kids first and this man only has his own best interests at heart by the sounds of things. He wants you to change all your parenting boundaries to make him happy very quickly after meeting them.

He made poor choices with his own children then, that's what your explanation really means.

[forumdonkey]

Your kids come first. They're still very young and they should be your priority, not you, a bloke or your relationship. Their childhood is a small amount of time and this man wants you to compromise that for him. Get shot of him

[PoldarksBreeches]

Oh fgs stop being a wet blanket and dump the twat already. Your kids deserve better.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Would you be so selfish as to put this man above your children? He sounds quite unpleasant

[nonameavaliable]

Um run fast and far

Hills this way =============>

He is telling you loud and clear what type of man he is. Listen to him. He's being very honest, he's a asshat btw, just incase it not clear.

Honestly op, slam the door shut, just make sure he is on the other side of it.

[TheCraicDealer]

You know yourself, love. He's a shit father and he'll be an even shitter stepfather. There's nothing you can do to make him interested, and in fact from the sounds of it he refuses to spend any time with them to allow any sort of relationship to develop. He just doesn't care. Don't be one of those women who stays with a shitbag at a cost to her kids.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

If you continue to see this man, you're selling your kids down the river. You're betraying them.

[Myusernameismyusername]

Don't take them on a weekend away because your poor kids will just be trapped for 3 days with someone who doesn't really like them very much

[PatriciaHolm]

Your poor kids deserve better, surely?

He doesn't see them as in the least bit important. Can you live with that?

[verystressedmum]

How about saying to him your kids mean more to you than he ever will so he'd either better get used to it and change his selfish horrible ways or fuck off.
And try and get to know his own kids a bit while he's at it.

Although personally I wouldn't bother as any man who doesn't bother with his kids is a computer twat and I'd want nothing to do with him, let alone have him around my own kids.

[stitchglitched]

It doesn't matter how lovely he is, or how much you love him. He doesn't like your children and wants you to prioritise him over them. Therefore the relationship has to end. When you are a parent you don't get to put yourself and your love life first, any relationship you get into also impacts your children. You have no business bringing a resentful man into their lives.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I never understand posts like this. Where are your protective instincts? Why didn't you show him the door as soon as he was unpleasant about your kids? His attitude would kill any attraction I had for him instantly.

[Myusernameismyusername]

verystressedmum - computer twat has totally had me in stitches

[sterlingcooper]

You could work at it and see if he is open to adjusting his views and embracing your children as a huge part of your life.

But to be honest, 4 children in that age range is a lot and even if they were the best behaved kids in the world I think it sounds like he just essentially is not the kind of person who is going to want 4 kids in his everyday life.

There are some posters on the stepparents board who have managed to maintain a LTR but kept it pretty much separate to their kids. You accept you'll never live together until they've left home, and make the most of being together when the kids are with the other parent.