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Relationships

Please help - husband didn't come home when everyone left. I think I'm having panic attacks

153 replies

Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 13:40

Hi, please help me.

Husband was out with friends last night. Very rare night out. I was ringing him at about 11pm, no answer. I then see his friend, who he was with, is online on whatsapp. I ask a friend when are they planning to go home and I can't get hold of a husband.

To my surprise the friend says he just got home and my husband left 40mins before him. So my husband left over an hour ago and not home and not answering. We live 10 mins away

I've gone into panic mode ringing H who eventually calls me after a string of messages. Said he's in a taxi home. This would've been 1.5 hrs since he left everyone and said he's going home.

He has told me he has left everyone but bumped into some guys he made friends with and stayed for another hour. Doesn't make sense to me. When he leaves the bar he's had enough and going home, why make friends with randomers and drink with them.

Back story: A year ago we went to a brother and had a threesome (with an escort), and I just now thought this probably really relaxed him at how... "Cool" I am with things?? By the way threesome was my idea as I have been curios for years. We seemed keen but afterwards we thought it didn't live up to our expectations (it all seemed seedy and not lusty as we hoped).

I have been shaking uncontrollably and my heart is beating so so strongly it's like it's going to jump out of my chest. My breathing is shaky and I keep bursting into tears.

I just don't understand where he was for that 1.5hrs? I don't buy his story. I think he could've gone to a brothel... He was drunk and we have been arguing me telling him to come home, and I just think he went there for an hour? He cannot believe I would even come up with this idea, I asked his phone to check locations he was happy for me to. I didn't as heart rate started beating even faster and I felt light headed. He seems normal but I also know if he has cheated, he would be putting the best acting skills of his life on at the moment, as our marriage depends on it and we are usually very happy.

I'm sorry this is long and just all over the place. Please help me with any ideas, it's been hours and I can't calm down. I think deep inside I will need to check his phone somehow to find out the truth (with his permission of course). My head tells me I'm being crazy but my heart won't rest.

We are buying a house next week and ttc.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 13:43

Sorry I meant are there any other ways on the phone where I can find some truth about his whereabouts last night?

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MummyBex1985 · 10/07/2016 14:05

Find my iPhone? If you're on family share then you can look at previous locations.

Why do you automatically assume he's cheating though?

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 14:10

It doesn't make sense and even his friend was really surprised my husband is not home. The friend then sent few messages asking: is he back yet? Very embarrassing for me to try to act normal. And the friend himself was in bed but wouldn't go to sleep as he was worried about my husband kind of going AWOL.

No family share for find my iPhone. I guess I'll have to ask him tomorrow to view locations but I'm scared of seeing them all cleared. Because then I'll know he's lying and hiding something, and that'll be the end.

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tribunalupfrontfeesjustunfair · 10/07/2016 14:15

Why do you not believe your DP's explanation ? You wrote this was a rare night out, so if there have been no other occasions, I'm surprised that an hour, which you feel hasn't been adequately accounted for, would cause this level of concern.
Is there more to this I wonder ? You state you are buying a house and ttc, maybe this is an over reaction, as you are under so much stress.
One thing I would say though is " the moment you have to ask yourself if you trust someone, is the moment you know you already don't ".

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mummyto2monkeys · 10/07/2016 14:23

You suggested that you and your husband pay a prostitute and have a threesome and you are now upset/ anxious/worried that your husband has visited a brothel on his own. I'm sorry but that is the most repulsive thing I have ever read. You paid an already objectified and possibly trafficked/ drug addicted/ manipulated and abused woman to have sex with you and your husband.

There are websites online where you can meet up with other people who are into this kind of thing, you chose to bypass that and use a prostitute. And you are now trying for a baby with this man! You opened your marriage bed and broke your marriage vows just to try to fulfill a fantasy. I honestly would not be surprised if your husband has been to a brothel. If you were happy to use a prostitute to meet your sexual fantasies why shouldn't he do the same.

I think if you havent already then you need to set ground rules and say that you were wrong last year, you hated the idea of your dh being with anyone else and his using prostitutes/ sleeping with other men/ woman is a deal breaker in your marriage. I would also start taking contraception and get yourself checked out for any std's (you do not want to end up pregnant with e.g active herpes ). Having a baby puts an incredible strain on your marriage, if there are any cracks in your relationship a baby will blast them into massive craters. It is not fair to bring a baby into a relationship where trust is an issue. Not unless you are prepared to be a single mother should
your marriage end.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 14:28

Really nothing more. Well maybe because we went to a brothel at my suggestion, that has opened too many boundaries? I have only felt like this now.

I went to a bedroom few times when he was sleeping (I was awake in the lounge unable to sleep), each time he had his phone firmly under his body, so I couldn't move it presumably. Usually it just lays next to him.

I am almost certain he is hiding something. His friend said he left the pub. Husband says he just bumped into someone at the other side of a bar and stayed with them. Can't ask friend whether that's true as I can't involve him anymore it's embarrassing.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 14:32

Mummy I did look online for this, it's pretty much impossible as there are a lot of couples and none of the single girls.

This is not my proudest moment I reached my 30s and felt liberated or something. A mistake I did. It was seedy.

Regarding STDs, we have one through all tests.

I think you're right in what you're saying, if it has been done before so light heartedly, why not now. Especially as he was drunk.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 14:33

*we have gone through all tests

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tribunalupfrontfeesjustunfair · 10/07/2016 14:39

What will you do if you do find out he did visit a brothel ? If you are committed to this house purchase next week, I would think long and hard about the consequences, of dealing with the fallout.

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Doinmummy · 10/07/2016 14:42

.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 14:46

I think if i don't face this now (and go along with his story, so not to rock my little world), this will not leave me mentally.

We have no kids so I need to be careful what I do now as I'm not tied down. We DTD when I was ovulating 2 weeks ago as well.

I don't know whether I should move on, or tomorrow (with him) check his browser/call history, locations and anything else that comes to my mind.

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mummyto2monkeys · 10/07/2016 14:59

I would suggest regular testing then, as from what you are writing, your husband is either having an affair, regular one night stands, or he is continuing to pay prostitutes for sex.

Is he respectful when you say you are concerned? I get the feeling that your husband has lost all respect for you and your marriage. I would be asking whether you truly want to be in a marriage where there is no respect, no trust and your husband is so secretive. Do you want to be pregnant not knowing whether your husband has been visiting brothels?

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LIZS · 10/07/2016 15:03

You can't/don't trust him. Please don't have children and reconsider whether you can live with this ongoing uncertainty.

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Queenbean · 10/07/2016 15:05

.

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TheRealPosieParker · 10/07/2016 15:08

You and your husband hired a prostitute. Wow

Real progressive to exploit a woman.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:09

He's very respectful yes. People comment on how nice he is to me, and he is even lovelier behind closed doors.

it wouldn't be regular one night stands, as he's with me most nights - this was a first one out in months.

So it does come across as him being secretive? I am completely at a loss whether IABU or he is completely shady about saying buy to everyone and disappearing.

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SandyY2K · 10/07/2016 15:10

Has he come home yet?

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:12

Lizs no, hand on the heart, right now I can't say I'm certain about what the hell HEs been up to last night. This is the first time I've doubted him, and just when everything is coming together with the house and as I was hoping - baby

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TheRealPosieParker · 10/07/2016 15:12

Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't what's the point?

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Northernlurker · 10/07/2016 15:12
Hmm
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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:13

Sandy yes he came back and couldn't believe it what I was even saying. But of course he's gonna say that.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:16

TheReal i am at a loss because I think to leave straight away would be wrong because: 1. It's acting way too hasty as we've never had problems before; 2. I might be wrong and completely overreacting.

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SandyY2K · 10/07/2016 15:18

Ok. Glad he's safe and well.

The threesomes are your choice and I'm not casting any judgement, as you're all grown adults, but anything behind your back is cheating.

His secrecy and guarding his phone are something you need to address. Clarify your boundaries and make him aware of the consequences.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:19

Northernlurker ?
I guess everyone's appalled by the escort story, which was a wrong thing to do. But I thought I should add it as it's the only thing I can think of that might have played a part in what happened. Apart from last night we are so blissfully happy that I would not be able to make a sense of my story to everyone here as things just wouldn't add up and people would ask for any back stories anyway.

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Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:21

Sandy I even know his phone passcode, so he's beer secretive. He was laying his body on the phone this time, which I found strange.
I don't know if I'm being cynical, or he just fell asleep like that. Perhaps he would put phone under the pillow if he didn't want it touched by anyone

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