New baby - interfering inlaws

[MusicIsMedicine]

Baby is 2 weeks old. Came by C-Section so I am still recovering.

Inlaws visited today. They walked in and lifted baby straight out of cot (she was fast asleep) without even asking me.

Then asked me what was for dinner.

Then spent the full visit interfering in everything from her name to her feeding to her sleeping. It was like I don't exist and they were her parents! Grandma referred to her as 'her girl.'

She breast feeds. She had a low birth weight - 4lb and is a tiny baby who needs small feeds very frequently.

Final straw was grandma refusing to hand her back to me saying she doesn't need feeding yet. Then when they left, saying it's time to wean her off these 2 hourly feeds. I wanted to say - and do what, starve her?!

They are coming back tomorrow, having left a stack of dishes today. They informed me, not asked, informed me they'd be here at breakfast time.

Help. How do I put boundaries in.

Am fuming.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

what did your dh say/do?

[PatriciaHolm]

Well, its your house, they don't get to come if not invited. Text them and tell them it's not going to work for them to come tomorrow, for a start.

[QforCucumber]

Put a chain on the door, take the phone off the hook and text them saying sorry but breakfast time isn't suitable for me.

[BigginsforPope]

Lock your doors OP.

[BigginsforPope]

And yes your dp needs to step up and protect your space.

[mouldycheesefan]

Text them saying midwife has told you to rest so they can't come round till further notice. Then get your dh to deal with it.

[Berthatydfil]

Tell your dh exactly what you put her and that they won't be welcome to a repeat visit and if he doesn't tell them not to come you will just not answer the door to them.

[OurBlanche]

Their darling boy does that.

He has quiet word with his mum: Mum! I am so ashamed! You didn't even offer to wash up... she had a cesarean for godsake. And would you please stop making us feel bad about DD being underweight, we know. Please, have a bit of care. We are doing our best.

And then he can arrange for them to visit only when he is there and will restrain his DM from being too much in love with her first(?) GC to think straight. Especially if he remembers any stories she has ever told about her own MIL!

And you have to a) remember she is excited too (I know, but the only difference is she is not your mum) and b) speak up when she oversteps.. talk to her, don't just crumble

Good luck for tomorrow.

[Daffodil90]

Yup, lock the doors and get DP to take them for breakfast elsewhere.

Actually scratch that. Lock the doors and get DP to bring you breakfast.

My MIL and SIL refer to DD as 'my', makes me rage.

[HopeArden]

Phone them. Tell them they were absolutely out if order in how they behaved today and that they are not welcome tomorrow. Tell your h to back you up or get out. Shame on him for allowing this. Lock the door and refuse to answer it in tbe morning.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

It's up to your DP. Just be very firm. You've made a mistake holding your tongue today and not correcting them about tomorrow. You put boundaries by speaking, as difficult as it is. You just say what you want to happen. So you're not free tomorrow. Offer another time (with an end point) if you want to. Specify no food available. As them to do the washing up. Say as your baby's mum her feeding arrangements are up to you - assertively. Your DP needs to be leading the way with this.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Where is your DH or DP in all this, he also needs to deal with them. If he cannot stand up to them or equally will not do this then you need to do it.

Where have your boundaries been until now?. These all too low boundaries you have likely had to date need to be strengthened with immediate effect.

Do not let them in tomorrow under any circumstances; they have simply come in and took over. Your door must remain locked. Your MIL also wants to have another go at parenting by the sounds of it; they need to be forcefully reminded that you and your man are her parents. This is also probably one of many examples of them being completely overbearing.

Ultimately it may well be that you will have no contact with these overbearing people. They are not decent grandparent figures to be at all around your child either.

[Whistlejackets]

my MIL is exactly the same, down to the 'my boy' and refusing to hand back for feeds.

Ourblanches' post is sound advice. Only your DH can sort this without a huge fallout. Sadly my DH didn't, and MIL only sees her GC a couple of times a year as a consequence. Sad for all concerned.

[MusicIsMedicine]

Oh they don't even seem to realise she is so small and needs a proper feeding routine. I had severe HG pregnancy and knew from scans she'd be small but not this small.

She is gaining weight on the 2 hourly feeding. I am so f*cking sick (excuse my french) of people telling me what to do with my own baby.

Trying to calm down now.

Tempted to let them come when they come tomorrow, have dp let them in and stay in the bedroom breastfeeding for half the day instead of expressing any milk so they can see her. Let them see that they have to work around us, not us around them.

Dp just dropped them off. He is oblivious to all this. He nipped out to his mates in the middle of visit and missed the bit where his mother tried to not hand me back my own baby.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Dp just dropped them off. He is oblivious to all this. He nipped out to his mates in the middle of visit and missed the bit where his mother tried to not hand me back my own baby".

This is appalling and you need to tell him now. You have a newborn baby and you are still recovering from a c-section.

Why did he have to go and see his mates in the middle of their visit leaving you with them?. Its very much not on at all, he has let you down here.

What sort of relationship does he have with his parents these days?.

[MrsMarsch]

What an awful experience for you to go through, you're doing amazingly BF'ing such a tiny little dot especially after a CS. What on earth do they know? Don't let them in OP as it'll ruin time with your newborn, these first weeks must be so special, too special for a witch who thinks she knows better. Lock the door and tell DP he's a prick xx

[OurBlanche]

Do that. Don't express. Say no, loudly, tell DH he goes nowhere, tell him why.

I can see that he would have taken the opportunity to nip out, that suggests he thinks his DM is sane and sensible. Put him right... calmly if you can, but don't be afraid to cry at him.

She may be fine, she may come round, she might just be over excited... you never know. But you do have to speak up... your DH has no right to be oblivious, you do not have to protect him from his DMs behaviour!

[GoldPlatedBacon]

At that age my dd was almost permanently attached to my breast. Other people were very lucky to get a hold.

If your DP won't tell them not to visit tomorrow then contact them and say tomorrow is no good. If they turn up don't let them in. If your DP let's them in then sit in your room breastfeeding and let him make breakfast for everyone.

I know the feeling re being given told what to do advice; it drives me up the wall!!

[MusicIsMedicine]

Just had it out with him. He just thinks I should 'ignore people'. I pointed out I can hardly ignore his mother refusing to hand me my own baby to feed her.

It was the same at the hospital - no backup from him - the care there was shit to be frank and I complained and his attitude was they are the professionals follow all their orders' even though they were not supporting her head and didn't answer buzzers late at night when she was throwing up the crap large formula feeds they insisted she have, rather than helping me latch her on. Everything was to suit them, not baby and mum.

DP has given me no support in any of this crap and undermines me as mum by defending everyone else.

I'm actually starting to think about leaving him - is that insane?

[Hillfarmer]

Make your DP un-oblivious by whatever means necessary.

This is the time when your DP needs to know that you - as parents - are a team and he needs to step up and support YOU.

[Nuggy2013]

Ok OP, I feel your pain. My MIL refused to hand DD now 2 back when she was six weeks old. The result was it destroyed our relationship and I'm totally indifferent to IL's now. However, the outcome could have been v different.... What is DH/DP saying? Mine left his balls on our last holiday where confronting his parents was concerned. Don't under play her actions, be very firm and clear you are the mum and she can be a grandparent but you don't appreciate over stepping and interference. Do this when you are ready and hopeful with DH's support. Congrats on the baby and wish you both well

[Hillfarmer]

Hi OP, didn't see your last post. That's awful. But my message is the same.

DP should be backing you up no question. He should absolutely not be backing up people who are not supporting you.

He does not get to squirm out of confronting his parents' shit behaviour by dismissing or ignoring your needs. He has got his priorities wrong, and if this is the future of your parenting together I would be as distressed as you are. He has to put YOU first. End of.

So...as they say so often on these boards, you don't have a PIL problem, you have a DP problem. But I think you know that already.

Do you have a mutual friend who could read your DP the riot act? He needs to change his attitude sharpish. This needs to be sorted out, but you're only 2 weeks on from a CS and probably knackered and very vulnerable, you need some external support here.

Congratulations btw.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"DP has given me no support in any of this crap and undermines me as mum by defending everyone else.

I'm actually starting to think about leaving him - is that insane?"

No it is not. His own inertia when it comes to his parents is simply hurting him as well as you. He may not ever realise that though.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Just had it out with him. He just thinks I should 'ignore people'

That is likely his default position when it comes to his parents as well. It does not wash I'm afraid. His actions could very easily now spoil your early days with your child.

I would ask him outright who his primary loyalty is to; he should answer you.