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how to cope in sexless marriage?

(266 Posts)
Jamandcheese Thu 16-Jun-16 03:05:29

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

Scott70 Wed 11-Dec-19 09:02:26

I’m a husband who is in a sexless marriage. I have made love to my wife once in a year, I’ve tried everything possible I’ve given her space I’ve even slept on the sofa for 2 years. She says that I put too much pressure on her??? How I thought couples were suppose to get close? To cuddle? Kiss? Get intimate? We don’t do non of this. It breaks my heart and being rejected every single time make me feel worthless. She says she loves me but there just words when I try and talk about it I always seem to annoy her and get told it’s not the right time or I’m not going over this again I’ve got enough to deal with. In the last 3 years I can count on one hand the amount of times we have made love, we are both still in our 40’s and she does at times flirt with me very rarely but only when people are around, I sometimes say she’s playing a game with me because when we get home she completely shuts down and keeps away. I honestly don’t know if she is having an affair,if she is completely gone off me, or just doesn’t want intimacy anymore. I literally cannot take much more as it’s breaking me and As a man it’s destroying me inside. I’ve told my wife how much I miss being close and how much I miss making love to her but I might as well be talking to a brick wall because I don’t get any reaction. Even if I send a text she doesn’t acknowledge it and will talk about something else. I honestly love my wife so much and don’t want to lose her but I never thought that I could feel so alone in a relationship.

Rainydayss Tue 02-Jul-19 21:47:23

This was me. 5 years without sex, yes really, even typing that feels wrong in every sense. I don't honestly think we had much chemistry In the beginning but think I settled thinking he was safe and loyal.
We amicably split and I've met a wonderful man. Life is now very different in many ways

WhoAmIToTellYou Tue 02-Jul-19 21:07:34

In the same boat, over 5 years now. Seriously considering divorce. No physical contact at all. Separate beds and lots of other issues. Most days i feel and see a grandma in the mirror and im only 38.

IanBurton80 Tue 02-Jul-19 14:45:55

I originally posted in June 2018 so just over a year ago, what has happened since then!!!

Nothing apart from a lot of talking, tears and fighting. My DW actually booked into see someone ( 3 sessions ) but only attended two of them and didn’t really do any of the things that were suggested.

So here we are a year on and well what can I say.

It’s amazing how much this affects me as a man, completely knocks your confidence, self worth, ability to see yourself in a positive light.

MrList100 Wed 29-May-19 08:21:56

Similar boat here. We have had sex less than 10 times in the last 8 years. None in the last eight months and only ever when she is pissed! How unflattering is that. We have discussed this many times but we get nowhere.

It’s not a good situation but why should I leave the family home and my kids for half the week. I don’t want that.

I feel like she is punishing me but not sure why and she won’t open up about it. She just says all couples are like this when they have been married for years and then says all her friends are in similar situations.

I am having an affair now with someone in a similar situation. We meet once a month or so and it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

What a sad situation all round.

wonderwhat Wed 29-May-19 02:59:18

It’s awful. It’s the crushing loneliness that’s the worst. I just long to be held by somebody who thinks I’m great.

Adam58 Wed 29-May-19 02:45:05

I am man and I have been married for more than 20 years woth 2 adorable kids. Since our last kid was conceived 8 years ago we had sex maybe once more, more than 5 years ago. I am gratified with oral sex once a year if I am a good boy. I am very depressed and our marriage is on the rocks. We are Catholic so my wife keep remind me of our marriage veils. We will try counselling. Good luck to all that are in a sexless marriage.

MassivePostitNote Tue 14-May-19 06:44:13

I am actually starting to plan my exit and reading this has helped me see that it is OK if I wait a couple of years to do so. There are things that I need to do to improve my own life before I go (update my skills, get a new job, get DC through exams, improve finances, make new friends and set up a better support network). Leaving with a massive mess is more of a problem than not having sex for the next 2 years.

I know that sounds cold and calculating but I was happy to live without the intimacy so long as the rest of it was good. The rest of it is also going down the pan as my DH is now disrespectful, takes me totally for granted and is massively selfish. Because of this I don't feel I owe him anything so my exit plan is about what is best for me and my DC, not for him. I don't think I'll have sex without him either as he has kind of put me off men. Apologies to the men above. Now, I just want lots of good female friends.

Corna Mon 13-May-19 17:12:03

And just to add, reading this back I long for the days when infrequent sex meant once a week...

Corna Mon 13-May-19 17:09:02

I am in the same boat, been with my husband for 18 years and we have a 9 year old child. We never really had frequent sex but in the last 5 years or so it has become worse, every 6 months is now the average. I hate that whenever he feels like sex he makes promises that he is getting back into it but once we have had sex he just goes back to normal. I would rather have no sex than sex only on his infrequent schedule. I can pretend that I dont want it and I feel so unwanted that its a turn off anyway.
I am desperate for physical contact and to feel wanted for a change. Honestly I would happily have an affair now as I dont see that he should be able to deny me a normal part of my life but then also expect that I just live with this. Ultimately if he doesn't want sex then I am not taking anything away from him by seeking it elsewhere. If he didn't like ice cream but I did I wouldn't tell him he couldn't eat it would I?

I hate the loneliness more than anything.

We sleep separately partly due to this but also as he has a rare sleep disorder and that doesn't help as we aren't in the same bed so nothing is initiated anyway.
The worst thing is that he has in the past tried to blame this on me saying I fell asleep when he got into bed when he was immediately asleep long before I even got into bed. Gaslighting of the worst kind. Eventually I lost it with him and told him he needed to man up and admit it was his issue. To be fair to him he did and made efforts but its all so perfunctory and I know he isn't really into it which just turns me off.

I feel so sorry we are all in this boat and I just wish that people who have lost their libido would just be honest instead of hiding away and blaming the other partner. Its so wrong to hold your partners sex life hostage to your refusal to own up to your issue. No one should have to have sex if they don't want to but equally no one should be left lying alone wondering what is wrong with them when they are perfectly normal and should be able to go elsewhere for physical affection.

MassivePostitNote Mon 13-May-19 12:02:22

Gosh, there are quite a few of us.

I don't agree with a poster on page 1 that it is about looking after yourself. I won't say how long it has been between DH and I (ages) but I do not think it has anything to do with looks or weight. I'm slightly heavier than I was when I met him, but am still slim, fit and toned and look a lot younger than I am. In fact, this is the bit that kills me. I am regularly told that I am actually quite attractive but the constant rejection from my DH makes me feel like I am the ugliest woman in the world. Like the phrase about the bargepole was made up about me.

Deep down I believe that my DH is asexual. I was listening to Jeremy Vine the other week and they had people on there who said they would have sex, but don't really want it or need it. They like the romance and want to be with someone. From day 1 my DH has not been that into sex and I have always initiated it. It was like a chore to him.

I don't know how I have lasted with him TBH. I love him but I think his behaviour to me has been cruel. You know they say a woman puts up with a man for 3-5 years and then leaves whereas a man just waits till he meets someone else. Well, I think I am a year into this. One part of me wants to leave, but the rational side of me says I need to just wait a bit longer to avoid financial destruction.

What sad is I have this idea in my head that one day my DH will come home and say he's met someone else, better looking and younger than me and he's never felt so alive (at it 3 times a night) or we will split and suddenly he will be shagging around like mad and my darkest fears will be confirmed, that it was me. I am not attractive enough to warrant a shag. sad

tdh1972 Mon 13-May-19 11:14:58

You could try this book;

www.amazon.co.uk/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_1?s=gateway&crid=42FPEU5YAUHJ&keywords=the+married+man+sex+life+primer&sprefix=the+married+man%2Caps%2C126&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1557742426&sr=8-1-fkmrnull

It doesn't work for everyone, but has some good, valid information.

I think this thread has died though...no one seems to post any more :/ I'd post this message again elsewhere in the Forum - perhaps as a new Thread?

Bertie67 Sat 11-May-19 21:26:06

Hello
I have been scouring the web for answers.. mywife of 24 yrs and I have sex every 18 months.. countless rows and discord.. she says she doesn’t need it..I am 6’6” was 22 stone..(14 when we married) back down to 16 now.. I am very broad, and at 16 stone people have asked if I am ill! I have done everything. romantic weekends away, ( children are 23 & 16) she won’t “do it”if they are in the house...so..I meander... I have trimmed, booked breaks, bought “toys” suggested we get therapy, even said she can go elsewhere if it brings back her “zing”.... nope.. not having any of it... so where now? I feel a failure, less of a man.. I am retired at 49.. do all the cooking, washing, shopping,cleaning,,. Here for whatever,, except intimacy.. you wonderful women please help..

4inabedroom Sat 02-Mar-19 22:02:03

I'm in the same situation. Only been married 4 years but it's dead. Worried I'll be too old and skint to start again soon

daveyknowles Fri 01-Mar-19 20:52:07

stavros58 your comments describe my life almost exactly. Been 11 years and maybe 15 times in that period, and nothing for 2 years. I am the only initiator, and the numerous rejections destroy your soul. You keep believing things will change, but they never do. No kissing, hugs or any physical contact of any sort, and feel like have been lonely for a decade. I have one son left at home, and he is off travelling later this year. Once he goes, I think I can start looking for a new life, although dreading the break up. Keep reminding myself you only get 1 life, and I deserve some happiness.

CF43 Fri 25-Jan-19 21:15:58

Wow, I thought it was just me, I'm going through a divorce now because my ex husband stopped having sex with me when our son was born 7 nearly 8 years ago. He couldn't look at me the same way after he was born and after a couple of years of being tired and worn out mum and getting not help from him, i gave up. You can only take so many rejections before you start to wonder if it's you, you've changed because you had a child. It's wrong and if it's not enough to be in a sexless marriage or relationship then change it.

Now i'm starting again, soon i will be free to start again if I so wish, although it may take me a while the divorce process has been horrendous. For my son's sake who I love with all my heart i wouldn't rush another relationship but to know i could if i wanted to fills me with hope for the future,. I lost a very dear friend last year to cancer and it made me think long and hard about what i wanted, any I didn't want to be in a relationship with no sex, you get one life and sometimes it's short, so make the most of it if your not happy change it.

Dabbo Fri 25-Jan-19 17:43:29

Wow so glad I just spent the last hour reading through this. So many people in the same position as me but I’m not sure whether to be filled with hope or despair!

The last few years my wife and I have had sex literally a handful of times a year. It’s now been six months and there’s absolutely no intimacy at all; no hugging, no kissing and no touching. I thought things might improve as the kids got older (youngest is 11) but I think I’ve just been deluding myself.

Every time I try to talk about it it ends in a massive row. I’ve tried so hard to rekindle things but she’s simply not interested. I don’t want anyone else but her and fancy her as much today as I did when we first met.

Not really expecting any advice here, just wanted to share my story that’s so similar to many others.

Guavaf1sh Wed 23-Jan-19 19:33:23

You only have one life. Sex is vitally important for most and lack of it can make people desperately unhappy. If there is no other solution mismatched couples need to break up. Otherwise a chance for a satisfying fulfilling loving relationship is given up. Which is depressingly tragic

paris100 Wed 23-Jan-19 19:05:32

I’ve had no sex for 7 years now. No affection at all, no hugs or kisses apart from the children. They’re the reason I’ve stayed, but I realise it’s time to think of me.

SkinnyPete Wed 23-Jan-19 18:43:26

@Stavros58 no sex for 4 years! I think you need to leave. I known you've got a little one (not so little really), but you've got one life.

I'd guess your wife is really unhappy too and is just biding her time/waiting for an opportunity too.

Stavros58 Wed 23-Jan-19 17:05:21

Crikey - I wish I'd seen this thread earlier. A huge relief to discover I'm not the only one in this position. Married 25 years, 4 lovely children, 3 of whom have now gone off into the world, one 15-year old still at home. My wife simply has no physical interest in me at all. Haven't had sex in the last 4 years, though it was only very occasional for quite a few years before that. No intimacy of any note either - almost no cuddles, no hugs. Nothing. We get on okay, just like a couple of people who've known each other for years, but I really don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I've fantasized about affairs, and thought long and hard about separation and divorce. I think, if it wasn't for my youngest child, I'd do that (separate) but I'd just feel so terribly guilty to him.

TerriTummyTowels Mon 14-Jan-19 17:56:58

If only people could be more honest about their libidos we could date to them and avoid all this trouble. Imagine what a world it would be if the low libido and high libido people could match only with their own kind!

Pasha1998 Mon 14-Jan-19 11:53:50

I'm a 62 yr old lady that has been in a sexless marriage for 36 years. I have 3 grown up children, all were born in the first 6 years of our 40 years together.
My husband just stop have sex or any interest in any thing not long after out third child was born.
I tried to talk to him about it but it was just something I had to endure. I was crushed and still am. We had sex out of the blue one night and just before he came he said that he had a very bad pain in his head. We found out he had A post coital migraine. Well this had diffenately put a stop to anything. After finding that out he stopped searching for help from doctors.
We have been sleeping apart for 5 years now.
I couldn't lie in bed next to a man that couldn't even touch me. I totally get it about his possible migraine but that shouldn't stop him from some kind of intimacy.
I'm in the process of separating.
Our relationship is more complicated then just being sexless. Issues that have never been resolved. Sometimes I'm scared ,at my age , of starting over again on my own.
I may have 20 yes left on this earth. I just want to be happy for the rest of it. I'm very emotional right now. Hard times.
Thanks for taking the time.

BurlyRugbyType Sun 13-Jan-19 22:24:20

My last comment was agreeing with haireverywhere about partner not even wanting to pleasure me even if they don't want any etc.

BurlyRugbyType Sun 13-Jan-19 22:19:37

I tried this too. But nothing here either. She doesn't want to do anything with me. I put on weight but I've now let it and in better condition than I was previously when we had sex but still nothing. I've only just posted on here but reading these comments more I need to reply and agree more.

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