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Married but feel so lonely. DH is just so 'meh' about everything

(38 Posts)
ambergreenred Mon 25-Apr-16 09:12:34

DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 8. We have 2 DCs together who are 10 and 6, and I have a DD from a previous relationship, who is 16.

My issue is that over the years, DH has literally just become so moody and 'meh' about everything. He never seems to want to do anything family orientated apart from a holiday once a year and he always puts himself first. He doesn't particularly do anything with the children, or anything in the house. He'll do a bit of DIY once in a while but then leaves it unfinished.

Weekends are the worst. All he wants to do is sit around watching box sets or films or sports. He'll get up, and then get himself something to eat and lounge around all the time. Yet if I take the DCs out and do something he gets moody about that. When he's watching TV he just zones out and may as well not be there as he doesn't listen to any of us and won't even get the youngest child a drink! He just doesn't seem 'in' to family life.

There are just so many things that he does, or rather doesn't do, that annoy me or upset me. If I try to talk to him about how I feel he turns it into an argument then says it's me that's trying to argue.

He doesn't do any housework or laundry, that's all seen as 'my' job even though I work every day in school hours and run my own small business from home.

I guess I am just fed up of him lolling around, in a messy room, not interacting with me or the children. He wasn't like this at first but has gradually become more and more like this after having our second child together.

I just feel so alone even though I'm in a relationship, and don't know where to go from here. I just feel I want more from life :-/

ambergreenred Mon 25-Apr-16 09:19:59

I don't want to drip feed so also wanted to add that he moans at me if the house is messy or things haven't been done yet won't do anything himself. He won't even put labels in the bin that he takes off new clothes.

And also he won't suggest anything to have for dinner each night, won't do any food shopping apart from get the occasional thing from the shop (and moans about it), and then moans about things I cook for dinner if they're not what he fancies that night.

Twitterqueen Mon 25-Apr-16 09:26:23

He's checked out of family life and a meaningful relation with you.
My ex was very similar. It made me mad when he would get himself lunch or a drink but never thought to ask the DCs if they would like something too.

He just disengaged - in fact every evening he would go into a different room "because I need time to myself - I told you that right from the beginning..." and then he wondered why our marriage failed....

Sorry - no useful advice. you're just a convenience basically. He's lost interest.

cansu Mon 25-Apr-16 09:27:22

ask him if he is happy in your relationship because he does not appear to be. Tell him that you are unhappy with the way things are and if they can't be put right maybe you should separate. Then sit back and see how he responds to this. He can either communicate what the issue is, carry on being an arse or admit he wants out. At least you will know where you stand and will have made your feelings clear. If he then continues being an arse you will have to decide what you want to do and whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

FluffyBunny1234 Mon 25-Apr-16 09:38:55

Sympathies exh was the same the last 2/3 years, he'd come home & sit at the computer all evening until the children went to bed. Then sit comatose with a beer in hand the rest of the evening. Reading your post just makes me so relieved I don't have that situation anymore, the pressure was suffocating. Hopi g you can find a way out too flowers

ambergreenred Mon 25-Apr-16 09:52:48

'Checked out' is a good way of describing how he is behaving. I just can't put up with it any longer. He won't talk about things ever so it'll have to be a case of me leaving with the kids.

Another thing that upsets me and angers me in equal amounts is the lack of care he gives when the kids are ill. Youngest DS has got a horrible cough and is going to the doctors later but DH doesn't even realise he's got a cough let alone think to book an appointment for him. It's all left to me.

HandyWoman Mon 25-Apr-16 10:02:22

My ExH was like this. It's so demoralising and awful to live with. You've basically slipped into being a domestic handservant. I second the advice to ask him if he is happy, tell him you're not and absorb every aspect of his reply. If he gets defensive or is apathetic then you just need to get out.

I'm out the other side and after 3 years - I am still delighted and relieves we are no longer together.

Standalittletaller Mon 25-Apr-16 10:06:41

My exh was also like this, exactly the same. Just checked out, lazy, selfish and unengaged, made it clear to everyone that everything was on his own terms. It dragged on for a few years but there was no way back I'm afraid. If someone doesn't want family life, that's how they show it.

ambergreenred Mon 25-Apr-16 10:13:42

Those of you that have now split from your partner/husband, how are they now when they have contact with the children? Are they more engaged when they have them or are they just the same as they always were?

averythinline Mon 25-Apr-16 10:15:22

He doesn't sound nterested at all ...I would find that really soul destroying, this is your life shouldn't have to put up with that sad
I think you need have a conversation around it not working for you and the family as a whole and he needs to up his game (sports words may make it clearer) or ship out..
Why do you and the kids have to move out? Would suggest you contact a solicitor and check out your rights or maybe cab on finances

Twitterqueen Mon 25-Apr-16 10:32:50

OP I suspect every case is different when it comes to contact afterwards. FWIW, we had the divorce from hell - it was absolutely terrible. DCs didn't speak to exH for around 18 months. He refused to pay child support and the mortgage. they have contact now and a good relationship with him, but only once a week for a meal (my DCs are older). They have never stayed at his house. They go on a holiday for 5 days or so once a year. He still doesn't pay anything towards their upkeep or welfare. He has no involvement in their schooling, worries, hopes, etc etc.

Do I regret anything? Only the fact that i didn't divorce him sooner...

ImperialBlether Mon 25-Apr-16 10:36:14

Is there a chance he's seeing anyone else? You don't mention him spending a lot of time online or on his phone, but the way he is, it sounds as though there's another life going on there. (Speaking from experience here.)

Why would you have to be the one to move out?

Standalittletaller Mon 25-Apr-16 10:49:24

Good question re contact. I had a horrible messy divorce and contact was sporadic at first. Then he stepped up slightly but I was grateful for anything by then so if he took the dc to the park it was like a major event and on the rare occasion it was more than the park, I was overjoyed. In front of family and his friends he acts like a doting dad but my dc complain about going to see him these days and say he is lazy.

isthismylifenow Mon 25-Apr-16 10:57:12

Amber, there is a long thread in the relationships board at the moment which may be helpful for you.

You are not alone btw. I know I am not replying with the answers you are looking for, but maybe go read this thread.

here

Joysmum Mon 25-Apr-16 11:23:15

I'd ask him if he's happy just drifting through life as this wasn't what you envisaged when you agreed to marry.

Unless you can get him to talk and to agree for your marriage to change (starting with the highest priorities) then you'll remain in a relationship that is unfulfilling. Imagine when the kids leave home, you'll have nothing left in common and will have wasted your prime years sad

FluffyBunny1234 Mon 25-Apr-16 11:31:27

Well he's not really an 'engaged' father iykwim he doesn't know the names of their friends for instance. He does have them once a week for a meal but I can see he's rather relieved when u come to pick them up! That's ok though, I've learnt not to expect much and the kids know him well so it's not as if he 'let's them down' because I guess they don't expect much either

TheNaze73 Mon 25-Apr-16 12:16:20

I think there's a clear communication issue here. He should grow up & tell you what his glitch is. If he's bored & you can't reignite the spark, then you either need to force his hand or force yours

ambergreenred Mon 25-Apr-16 12:19:38

It's so difficult as he'll never talk to me about anything like this. He either says I'm trying to cause an argument, or stone walls me and said "Right well I'll go and start cleaning the fucking house up when I've been at work ALL day then shall I?" He never seems to 'get' what I'm actually saying.

I'd be happy about him doing no housework if he was an engaged dad who did a bit of homework with the kids or played football occasionally with DS, or who sat and read with them each night and bathed them.

HandyWoman Mon 25-Apr-16 12:31:06

YANBU OP.

He sounds entitled and lazy and has forgotten you're a person he's supposed to, you know, love and cherish.

When I kicked my ex out he walked without so much as a backwards glance. And told my sister six weeks later that he 'didn't miss me' and there was 'nothing to say' this was after I spent ten years and my physical and mental health trying, mistakenly, to please him and juggle all the balls. He nearly broke me - more fool me.

So just a word of warning - it's easy to assume he loves you on some level. He may not actually give a crap, so don't hang about too long. Get clarity. You are most certainly owed that.

Mishaps Mon 25-Apr-16 12:39:39

Well - he also sounds unhappy. He would not be behaving like this if life felt good for him. So that's two of you not happy.

It is very hard to engage in a discussion with someone who stonewalls you - but it is clear that a discussion is what is needed.

Why not book a weekend away for you and the children and tell him that you are finding it hard to deal with his detachment from family life so wanted to give him a weekend where he can just think about what he really wants from life.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Mon 25-Apr-16 13:27:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueberrypie0112 Mon 25-Apr-16 13:39:43

He never did stuff like that before but its all for show - so he can say "look I'm still a great dad"

one of my pet peeved about some people I know. They act like they can not do anything with the kids or their homes because they are sooo unhappy with their married life. But since leaving , they could not be happier..they have "more energy"

needresolution Mon 25-Apr-16 13:48:04

Sounds like my exH tbh - would let me run round ragged all day without even lifting a finger then accuse me of being controlling!! He has DD every other weekend which normally consists of him going round his sisters or mothers for dinner (not a problem for me) he has no working kitchen and no motivation for putting one in, but the bug bear is he then goes for the evening to his friends house drinking to oblivion while DD plays with the friends kids - hardly bonding with his DD?!

ambergreenred Mon 25-Apr-16 14:07:24

Oh I get accused of being controlling too, needresolution. If I ever ask him to do anything I am accused of being controlling, or a nag, or trying to cause an argument. I just can't win.

I think whoever has said upthread that he doesn't think of me as a person has hit the nail on the head. I feel like I've just been seen as a domestic appliance for the past few years. He actually gets visibly irritated with me if I'm ever ill, and when I had our youngest child and was ill afterwards I was just left to fend for myself. He hadn't even got any food into the house ready for when I got home and never made me one meal or drink when i was recovering.

Destinysdaughter Mon 25-Apr-16 16:50:10

Oh love he sounds just awful. He's not going to change either. Would you still be with him if you didn't have kids?

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