Married but feel so lonely. DH is just so 'meh' about everything

[ambergreenred]

DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 8. We have 2 DCs together who are 10 and 6, and I have a DD from a previous relationship, who is 16.

My issue is that over the years, DH has literally just become so moody and 'meh' about everything. He never seems to want to do anything family orientated apart from a holiday once a year and he always puts himself first. He doesn't particularly do anything with the children, or anything in the house. He'll do a bit of DIY once in a while but then leaves it unfinished.

Weekends are the worst. All he wants to do is sit around watching box sets or films or sports. He'll get up, and then get himself something to eat and lounge around all the time. Yet if I take the DCs out and do something he gets moody about that. When he's watching TV he just zones out and may as well not be there as he doesn't listen to any of us and won't even get the youngest child a drink! He just doesn't seem 'in' to family life.

There are just so many things that he does, or rather doesn't do, that annoy me or upset me. If I try to talk to him about how I feel he turns it into an argument then says it's me that's trying to argue.

He doesn't do any housework or laundry, that's all seen as 'my' job even though I work every day in school hours and run my own small business from home.

I guess I am just fed up of him lolling around, in a messy room, not interacting with me or the children. He wasn't like this at first but has gradually become more and more like this after having our second child together.

I just feel so alone even though I'm in a relationship, and don't know where to go from here. I just feel I want more from life :-/

[TendonQueen]

I'm sure you know this but he's talking total shite just to get back at you. It's not the mature response but I would be now saying, every time he says he's tired, doesn't like how something has been done etc 'don't be so negative, I don't want to hear your moans', to make the point.

To be honest it sounds like divorce would be a relief, in spite of the pain of it, given his joyless soul-sucking entitled approach to life. And it doesn't sound as if he'll listen to anything short of that anyway. I would also stop doing anything for him at all. Cooking, washing, all that. Just do yours and the kids. He's checked out of his family responsibilities, why should he get all the privileges?

Is the house yours jointly?

[Beelzebop]

My sister's DP was like this. Total spongers as well. He had a fling with her friend and fucked off. What what I see he's now exactly the same with new girlfriend

[Allofaflumble]

He will only realise what he had when it is gone or will find some other sucker to run around after him.

Amber you deserve so much more. This must be affecting your kids terribly too. Be brave and get away from this man. He is destroying you and your peace of mind. I felt so sad thinking of how unhappy you must be. Best wishes.

[ambergreenred]

I'm guessing divorce is the only option left for me now really isn't it? :(

[ambergreenred]

Well, I tried talking very calmly again to him last night and all he does is jump down my throat as usual. He said that I'm not engaged with the kids either, I'm not a good mother and also that he doesn't want to hear my moans and that I'm negative (I'm not, he says I'm negative if he ever has to hear something he doesn't want to hear).

I just feel so down today. The house is a tip as I've had a busy couple of days with work and haven't done anything, so neither has he. I just feel like there should be some base level of cleanliness/housework that he is striving to achieve like I am.

I should also have mentioned before too that we have three dogs, whom he decided to get, but whom I end up looking after as he won't clean up after them. Don't get me wrong, I love them all to bits and they are all really well cared for and walked etc, but surely it should be a joint responsibility?

[AdventuresOfADentist]

He sounds a bit like my dad. From what I recall he only put us to bed when my mum was out (and therefore he had to). Spent most evenings on the computer or watching TV and drinking. Often he was doing useful stuff on the computer so that's fair enough and did help with homework if we asked, but not really all that engaged. We never phoned him from university, unless it was a practical problem he could fix, always my mum if we wanted a chat. One time after my mum had given birth, he brought her home from the hospital and went straight out to work, leaving her with a newborn and 2 young children.

They are still married now and he is still like that, he is unlikely to change, so I suspect your DH will be the same, unless he HAS to change to save the relationship. Sorry OP.

[SonjasSister]

Oh, he isn't very nice. Is that idea of fulfilling his marriage vows? Definitely busting his side of the bargain

[Destinysdaughter]

Sounds like your life would actually be better without him.

Maybe it's time.

[blueberrypie0112]

He lack empathy, that's all to it.

[Jan45]

He actually gets visibly irritated with me if I'm ever ill, and when I had our youngest child and was ill afterwards I was just left to fend for myself. He hadn't even got any food into the house ready for when I got home and never made me one meal or drink when i was recovering.

Shocked at this, this is so not right, he should have your back at all times and yes when sick too!

[Twitterqueen]

You need a big shake-up. Could you show him this thread? It might shock him into taking you seriously and seeing you as a real person again.

I can't believe how awful he was when you bought new baby back. That's so sad.

[ambergreenred]

Also I realise that I feel extremely resentful as because of him I am never fully able to enjoy my children or my life as there is always so much to be 'done'. Even from day one of bringing youngest child home from hospital I just had to get on and do everything, whilst he just sat there.

[ambergreenred]

No probably not tbh. Having kids makes everything so much more complicated :(

Last night was no better than usual. He gets in, sits around, moans about being tired, and just expects everything to be done around him while he sits there.

I was thinking, I could actually live with his lack of doing things in the house if he was a positive person and actually contributed a bit to the relationship personality wise but at the moment I feel like he's bringing nothing to the table.

[Destinysdaughter]

Oh love he sounds just awful. He's not going to change either. Would you still be with him if you didn't have kids?

[ambergreenred]

Oh I get accused of being controlling too, needresolution. If I ever ask him to do anything I am accused of being controlling, or a nag, or trying to cause an argument. I just can't win.

I think whoever has said upthread that he doesn't think of me as a person has hit the nail on the head. I feel like I've just been seen as a domestic appliance for the past few years. He actually gets visibly irritated with me if I'm ever ill, and when I had our youngest child and was ill afterwards I was just left to fend for myself. He hadn't even got any food into the house ready for when I got home and never made me one meal or drink when i was recovering.

[needresolution]

Sounds like my exH tbh - would let me run round ragged all day without even lifting a finger then accuse me of being controlling!! He has DD every other weekend which normally consists of him going round his sisters or mothers for dinner (not a problem for me) he has no working kitchen and no motivation for putting one in, but the bug bear is he then goes for the evening to his friends house drinking to oblivion while DD plays with the friends kids - hardly bonding with his DD?!

[blueberrypie0112]

He never did stuff like that before but its all for show - so he can say "look I'm still a great dad"

one of my pet peeved about some people I know. They act like they can not do anything with the kids or their homes because they are sooo unhappy with their married life. But since leaving , they could not be happier..they have "more energy"

[Mishaps]

Well - he also sounds unhappy. He would not be behaving like this if life felt good for him. So that's two of you not happy.

It is very hard to engage in a discussion with someone who stonewalls you - but it is clear that a discussion is what is needed.

Why not book a weekend away for you and the children and tell him that you are finding it hard to deal with his detachment from family life so wanted to give him a weekend where he can just think about what he really wants from life.

[HandyWoman]

YANBU OP.

He sounds entitled and lazy and has forgotten you're a person he's supposed to, you know, love and cherish.

When I kicked my ex out he walked without so much as a backwards glance. And told my sister six weeks later that he 'didn't miss me' and there was 'nothing to say' this was after I spent ten years and my physical and mental health trying, mistakenly, to please him and juggle all the balls. He nearly broke me - more fool me.

So just a word of warning - it's easy to assume he loves you on some level. He may not actually give a crap, so don't hang about too long. Get clarity. You are most certainly owed that.

[ambergreenred]

It's so difficult as he'll never talk to me about anything like this. He either says I'm trying to cause an argument, or stone walls me and said "Right well I'll go and start cleaning the fucking house up when I've been at work ALL day then shall I?" He never seems to 'get' what I'm actually saying.

I'd be happy about him doing no housework if he was an engaged dad who did a bit of homework with the kids or played football occasionally with DS, or who sat and read with them each night and bathed them.

[TheNaze73]

I think there's a clear communication issue here. He should grow up & tell you what his glitch is. If he's bored & you can't reignite the spark, then you either need to force his hand or force yours

[FluffyBunny1234]

Well he's not really an 'engaged' father iykwim he doesn't know the names of their friends for instance. He does have them once a week for a meal but I can see he's rather relieved when u come to pick them up! That's ok though, I've learnt not to expect much and the kids know him well so it's not as if he 'let's them down' because I guess they don't expect much either

[Joysmum]

I'd ask him if he's happy just drifting through life as this wasn't what you envisaged when you agreed to marry.

Unless you can get him to talk and to agree for your marriage to change (starting with the highest priorities) then you'll remain in a relationship that is unfulfilling. Imagine when the kids leave home, you'll have nothing left in common and will have wasted your prime years

[isthismylifenow]

Amber, there is a long thread in the relationships board at the moment which may be helpful for you.

You are not alone btw. I know I am not replying with the answers you are looking for, but maybe go read this thread.

here