Livid!! Not refused any access etc yet being threatened with "court!"

[clashofclanswidow]

Sorry for long post but really need help! Part of this thread should probably be in Legal but posting here for traffic and hopefully experience!

I am so ANGRY at the moment!

I'm pregnant. My ExP left me for OW on the day of my 20 week scan. I'm now 34 weeks so a while ago now.

Can't believe he has done this to us BUT I have always been amicable for the sake of the kids - strong believer in it not being their fault, they're not weapons etc etc and I just want an easy life and to move on.

He has cancelled arrangements to have our DD at short notice (within hours) several times during these weeks and asked about the baby only once or twice over the whole 14 weeks he's been gone.

Other than arranging when he is actually going to see DD, we are no contact and it was working well.

Rightly or wrongly (and as per advice on here for my own mental wellbeing during remainder of this pregnancy) as he was the one to walk away, I have taking the stance that if he wanted to discuss either DD or baby, he could ask easily BUT he would have to be the one to initiate that contact. I was not going to chase him with updates, when he walked out on us.

Subsequently he has never asked about DD's life other than collection/drop offs and when he can see her and squat about baby.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he pipes up about baby names! In short, doesn't like the one I have chosen so far and lets call this reason A for him threatening court.

He also never asks about DD's life but as I am running out of time to sort everything on my own I have placed her in a nursery, with a good OFSTED grade on personal recommendation which is 10 minutes away as opposed to 5 (he doesn't drive)

He has kicked off and this is reason B he has threatened me with court because basically...I didn't put our DD in the same nursery as the one OW kids are already attending for their convenience!

He has not been in touch with me about any of this and now suddenly he is throwing his "rights" around like it's for fun!

We are not married and he is on birth certificate for DD.

I have since checked and learnt he did have a right to know about DD's nursery...

The stupid thing is, if he was just being reasonable with me, we could have had a conversation about it but can he now take me to court because of this?! That is the last thing I want to have to deal with right now! What would happen if he did?! It's not like I've done this or purpose or through spite, they offered me free 15 hours funding due to new circumstances!

Secondly baby's name...the verbal abuse he has given me lately, I am sorely tempted not to even name this man on the birth certificate - if it weren't for him being the same biological Dad to DD1!!

I'm so torn but again, it's not baby's fault and I don't want baby to ask later why DD1 had Dad on cert but not baby. Baby will also have Dad's surname for this reason (although it makes me upset)

But is it right he can still apply to court for her as well if I didn't register him if he continues with this abuse?! Would I have to attend court again and go through the rigmarole of all that?!

I would have named her by then anyway as he wouldn't be on the register - could he force me to have to change it?!

I don't want this to come across that I am some bitter, toxic ex. I have been more than amicable in the shitstorm I have been left with and now it is being thrown back in my face! Any advice anyone? Losing my mind all over again!

He is arguing that I have excluded him from everything, whereas he has not once asked! That's why I am angry =(

Please help!

[Zampa]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It sounds really tough.

From a practical point of view, your baby's Dad will be able to apply to court to achieve parental responsibility if he is not named on the birth certificate.

I hope that communication improves and settles into something that works for you all. If it's any consolation, the court process really worked for me and gave us a lot of clarity.

[springydaffs]

He's got some NERVE to kick off about the baby's name!

my ex was a serial litigant, which is recognised as a form of abuse these days, but wasn't when it was happening to me. He took me to court for precisely the issues you describe: nondescript.

Get in touch with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 (call at night, 7pm-7am, as lines busy during the day). You need specialist support here.

He's made his choice. You're not his property. He clearly thinks you are. Disabuse him of that. iiwy I wouldn't put him on the bc - but don't mention it.

Keep detailed records.

[springydaffs]

Can you move far far away?

Just a thought.

[clashofclanswidow]

I will go to court if I have to but the thought just petrifies me! Was it a difficult process?! Will definitely be calling around for support later.

I would love to move, in fact I do need to and he has already complained about location, despite being in the same city.

Ultimately I will do what is best for me and the children regardless of his opinion on the matter. I'm not breaking the law there...just because he can't drive?!

I'm so pissed off he is being this way after everything and wonder how serious he is actually being but as I say, even if I called his bluff and let him take me to court - the unknown scares me!

[springydaffs]

Well it's not very nice, certainly - but workaday for the courts. They see a lot of this: partners who try to control the resident parent using the courts. The courts don't like this one bit and will recognise immediately what he is doing. So what is he going to say to the courts - she's calling the baby a name I don't like? HAHAHA. His threat to take you to court is controlling. He is bullying you. By threatening something you are afraid of to force you to obey his commands.

Hence contact Womens Aid. don't think you can't contact them because you aren't being hit (or any of the other heinous forms of abuse): your situation is precisely what WA are there for. You need specialist advice and support, and that's what they provide.

Was he controlling in other ways when you were together?

[Snoringlittlemonkey]

Is he paying child maintenance?

[clashofclanswidow]

Hadn't seen it that way at all, that's eye opening. I just assumed he was being an arse over the children! I'm so glad these forums exist! Will speak to WA asap.

Oh yes but as often for everyone, I didn't see it for what it was until I started dealing with the split.

[springydaffs]

You don't need to be petrified of court. It really is very ordinary - you sit in an ordinary room, a little office, with the judge behind a desk and you and your teams arrayed around the desk. No special court clothes/wigs etc!

However, I doubt he'll follow up his threats. It's very expensive, for a start - does he have the cash?

Talking of which, it would be expensive for you (unless you represent yourself). Which is why you need specialist support. You also need to let your GP know you are being threatened in this way (for spurious reasons) to get it officially recorded. GPs carry a lot of weight.

re representing myself: the court staff were very kind and helpful. I won the case.

[springydaffs]

Oh yes but as often for everyone,

^^what does that mean?

[LaConnerie]

Sorry you are going through this OP

In your position I would think very carefully before naming this man on the birth certificate - and therefore handing someone you already know to be a bully a whole load of rights on a plate. I also wouldn't be too keen on giving my child the surname of a man who had already crapped all over me/us but obviously that's your choice.

But please, don't be scared of going to Court. It's not like on tv, honestly. Most of the family court processes are carried out in a normal little room sitting around a table, and you won't be expected to do much other than sit there - your solicitor/barrister will do the work for you.

I would echo what others have said - definitely get legal advice and contact Womens Aid.

[clashofclanswidow]

He is paying maintenance - would that effect something?

Again, this was something we managed to arrange privately and amicably so why he has changed his tune is beyond me!

I haven't said his reason for being unhappy for the nursery choice being further away, was because apparently he wanted to be able to see her more through the week. His logic being that he could have her two nights rather than one (every other week so I would have to take her otherwise to OW nursery?!) by being able to drop her off/collect her.

When I pointed out that I have never refused him having her more if that's what he wanted and the nursery place was irrelevant (he would be at work whilst she was there for example, it would just be a collection point?!) that's when he became arguementative! Along with the baby name drama.

AIBU there because I don't see what a nursery has to do with access?!

[nagsandovalballs]

You can change your daughter's name. I was (equivalent to) Jane Smith-Roper to combine my mum and dad's names. Say my mum was June Roper, she changed my name to Jane Smith Roper so my dad's name became my middle name. Do the same for new baby too?

You're not married, so he has limited powers of parental responsibility. Keep evidence of everything as you can then track unreasonableness (e.g. Not paying enough cm, unreasonable requests/demands etc)

Don't put him on new birth certificate. I almost never look at or use mine (not seen it for about 20 years, I think my mum has it in a file?). I certainly have no idea if my dad is on it or not. It will make your life so much easier.

[nagsandovalballs]

Stay in control of your child. The nursery is for your and her convenience, not his, as he is not doing as many pick ups and drop offs. Majority parent gets majority convenience!

[springydaffs]

So let's get this straight: because he is paying you cm he genuinely (!) thinks he's paying for a service and can demand the terms.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

He won't take you to court. He's been on some dodgy dad's forum or website and has learned that squeaking 'Court! Court! Court!' will make you do what he wants. It's control.

Honestly, the number of women on MN who post similar things, I wish I could do some sort of a follow-up poll to see who is actually then taken to court, I bet it's 1% or something. They say that to frighten you, and it usually works.

That said, in terms of the birth cert, I do think you should get some proper advice on the likely ramifications of naming/not naming him.

And keep records, screen shots and most importantly, a diary of when he doesn't turn up for contact, etc. Best to be prepared, though I'm willing to bet my new skirt (which I am very fond of indeed) that it won't come to that.

Good luck with the rest of your pg.

[Winged]

Haven't got too much time to post but you could also call rights of women rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/ as they have a legal advice line. I had to call them recently (recommended on here) and they were great.

Also been through something similar so will try post again when I've more time.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I'm mainly here to say I'm sorry you are going through this, and to keep detailed records. Eg every time he moves or cancels any arrangements to see his kids, note it down, and keep/write out the texts, emails, or notes of the conversations when you are able to. I agree with the women here who have said don't be afraid to ask for advice and help from women's aid - bullying and control comes in many forms, and they are there to help whatever form is.

He sounds an utter arse.

PS - call your baby exactly what you want to. He can fuck off as his opinion on this counts for nothing!

[springydaffs]

If you can prove you are being subjected to 'coercive control' you will get legal aid.

WA can advise you on this.

[Iamdobby63]

He is not being amicable because the decisions are not what HE wants. That says a lot.

Like others have said I can't help but think the courts are an idle threat but should he follow through I would like to be a fly on the wall when he states that he doesn't like the chosen name and that you are sending your child to a different nursery school than his new girlfriends children.

I think you need legal advice on the pros and cons of putting him in the birth certificate.

[clashofclanswidow]

I will definitely start keeping records. I seriously hope it is empty threats (no he doesn't have the money) but it has been reassuring to know that even if he did decide to push anything that it's not a traumatic experience at least - had enough of that lately (sorry to sound all woe is me, not intentional)

Thank you for all the recommendations for places to contact.

The nursery was ultimate the best for choice my daughter so I will be sticking to my guns!

You're right Lonny - sadly I think it did frighten me a bit, only because I read that I should have consulted with him about the nursery choice first but it's not been done out of spite as he is suggesting.

I will hope it's not brought up again but I am grateful for everyone putting my mind more at rest that this is more a behavioural/emotional thing than an actual likelihood of happening!

[kittybiscuits]

Sorry you are dealing with this bullshit. You have good advice already. Lock texts, copy emails and write a timeline of events including name-calling and threats as well as him cancelling contact. The baby name and nursery issues are bullocks. Best of luck with your pregnancy x

[CheeseAndOnionWalkers]

I'm a single parent and attended court as moral support for another single parent friend who has a litigious ex. She represented herself while the ex had a professional and the judge was very sympathetic to her. It wasn't technical and shouty like on TV.

Legal costs are expensive so if he hasn't got access to money, don't worry.

Personally I'd double barrell the surname and change your older daughter's name so it's double barrelled too.

[Iamdobby63]

But even if your choice of nursery was based on you not wanting DD attending the same nursery as the OW children it's ok, and would be perfectly understandable and reasonable. I don't think any professional person would disagree with that. Your mental health and emotional well being is also relevant and important.

[clashofclanswidow]

I couldn't change her nursery until a new term anyway due to the way the funding worked, even if we came up with a compromise that involved a completely new nursery (which I even said I would discuss if he dropped his attitude!)

I don't involve myself in their affairs...but even if, location wise, it was easier for DD to go to the same nursery he is requesting...someone has to logically think about their relationship ending as well!

This is not me clinging onto hope at all but if he does want to be part of baby's life and she can't deal with that and kicks him out for example, I'm not moving my DD nursery for a third time!

Yes to the MH and WB - I don't wanna have to bump into her all the time but I'd like to hope I was stronger than letting her bother me and it's not like we'd have to exchange words.

No one has a crystal bloody ball but I'm not going to risk my daughter potentially receiving anymore confusing signals than she's already had to adapt to so far but whilst he's happy, his brain won't compute that possibility (nor have I mentioned this to him either!)

He's made me feel like I've been a bloody witch about this nursery but it's still within a 3 mile radius fgs! I know my reasons for doing it but his attitude has made me want to scream!

At the end of the day if he wants to take me to court over access etc or excluding him from decision, I can prove both that I have not denied access nor has he been upfront in politely discussing nurseries!

I'm wondering for his rights if day care nursery even counts as education?! Grr...

[CheeseAndOnionWalkers]

With regards to the nursery.. it would be up to him to prove to a judge why your choice isn't suitable and his is. If it's not possible, the judge would order the status quo to remain. He'd be laughed at for arguing that a 10 minute nursery run (for him) is unreasonable.