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Do I be honest about baby's dad??

(44 Posts)
Mummystar123 Wed 02-Mar-16 11:19:09

My ex wants nothing to do with our baby, it's a long backstory but the short version is that he's a cheater, we split he said I should get rid of baby, I haven't, he said he will tell everyone baby isn't his and deny a dna teSt/ refuse to pay csa.
I have been asked a few times if babies dad is excited etc and I've said were no longer together but he wants me to tell people he's not the father so his teenage children and family don't find out. Do I just be honest anyway and be safe in the knowledge that his children finding out is not my problem ( tbh it will be obvious he's dad when baby is born and people know we were together) or do I do what he says and lie to protect his other kids??

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 02-Mar-16 11:26:31

It's not your place to "protect" his other kids, nor should they need protecting from learning they have a half-sibling.

Why should you pretend someone else is the father? Fuck that. Be honest.

Marchate Wed 02-Mar-16 11:26:35

You should claim from the csa, whatever he says. He can dispute it but that's his problem

He has let you down. Now you have a child to raise alone. It's not up to you to help him keep the baby a secret

DoBananasWearPajamas Wed 02-Mar-16 11:27:11

I wouldn't lie - not your problem

If you lie it will bite you on the bum !

Ouriana Wed 02-Mar-16 11:28:16

Why should you lie to cover for an wanker?
At some point your baby will ask about its Dad, if you lie to people now you will then have to lie to your child or 'come clean' and admit the truth to everyone, and at some point his other children are bound to find out!

You have done nothing wrong so you have no reason to lie.
Also he cannot avoid paying maintenence, if he denies psternity the CSA will ask him to do a DNA test. Refusing to do one is considered an admission of paternity so when your baby is born make a claim.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Gazelda Wed 02-Mar-16 11:33:29

Don't lie. You will end up having to create more and bigger lies to cover this one. At some point the truth will come out and you will be criticised for lying in the first place.

ZiggyFartdust Wed 02-Mar-16 11:34:21

You should say whatever you like. And claim maintenance through the proper channels.

Openmindedmonkey Wed 02-Mar-16 12:00:16

To echo pps - please don't lie, under any circumstances, this is your child's future & honesty is the only policy IMHO.
Please contact the csa for advice asap, if I remember correctly from my experience, the claim starts from when you contact them not from date of birth.
Finally those half-siblings are ultimately family of your child so they deserve to know; it maybe a shock to them now but over time they will perhaps calm down & be a positive influence - call me a naive optimist if you will!
Best wishes for your baby's birth a wonderful future together

PoundingTheStreets Wed 02-Mar-16 12:04:35

I think you have to put your own child first, above his other children. He comes bottom of the pile.

Your child has a right to know who its father is. So you will have to give an answer at some point. Up until then, it's no one else's business and you can say what you like. Personally, I wouldn't go broadcasting it because that could backfire on you, but equally, don't feel you have to lie/keep it a secret.

I do feel for his other children, but because they clearly have a fuckwit of a father, not because you're about to give them a half-sibling. You could always try to forge a relationship with them independent of your X, but I wouldn't worry about that right now.

Assuming he has enough of an income to make his eligible, if you name his as the parent he will be liable for child maintenance until such time he proves he is not.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath Wed 02-Mar-16 12:06:49

When you say he's a cheater, do you mean you were the other woman and he's still with his children's mother? Otherwise why is he so worried about them finding out?

PosieReturningParker Wed 02-Mar-16 12:08:25

I'd tell everyone that you feel like telling.

ThisWasCrownjewel Wed 02-Mar-16 12:11:47

When you say it'll be obvious when the baby is born, do you mean appearance-wise (different ethnic background etc) or when people work out your dates and realise you would have been in a relationship with him at the time of conception?

Either way, you'll probably be caught out in your lie, and why would you want to have people think you're a liar just to "protect" him/his other children/his family? Fuck that. He made his bed, it's up to him what he tells his other children. He was just as responsible as you were for making the baby, so why should he feel entitled to be removed from any responsibility after the event? Cheeky fucker.

You'll struggle to name him on the BC if you aren't married, but this won't affect any CSA claim you decide to make (and make sure you do claim!)

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way flowers

cocochanel21 Wed 02-Mar-16 12:22:57

Yes be honest its up to him what he tells his other DCs.

Same thing happened to me with Dd1 dad. At the time it was horrendous but it was the best thing he could have done.
We were so much better of just the two of us.
Good Luck.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath Wed 02-Mar-16 14:20:28

But what do you mean by 'be honest' with exactly? I've read your backstory now and I see his long term partner already knows about you and the baby. I'm unsure from the way you've posted whether they are staying together or not, but it's up to them whether they chose to tell their DCs.

Apart from the CSA, who do you need to 'be honest' with? confused If you met him OLD and were only together a few months and he was living with the mother of his kids the whole time then it's not as if you are going to know loads of people in common, is it? confused

CityMole Wed 02-Mar-16 14:27:15

My first instinct was 'why would you lie?'

I now see there is a backstory, but my advice remains that you should not lie. However, while I still don't think you should lie, neither do I think you need to broadcast it too all and sundry- but if asked, be honest or just say you are no longer with the father and leave it at that. Unless you all live in a tiny village, then I can't imagine that there is a scenario that requires you having to deal with this?

TheVeryHungryPreggo Wed 02-Mar-16 14:29:12

What everyone else says. Honesty first.

If I were you, I'd work backwards. Start with thinking about what you plan to tell your child when s/he asks about his/her father as an older teen. Then how you will phrase it for a younger child or preschooler. Then based on that, you can work out what you might be able to say to people who ask you, that won't contradict that version of events or shock your child.

As the only parent your child has got, you will want to make sure you have a strong relationship bolstered by honest and loving communication. You won't want to endanger that by putting your child in a situation where he/she has to explain a conflicting version of events to that put forward by well-meaning outsiders, which will just confuse everybody and hurt your child.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Wed 02-Mar-16 14:30:58

Don't lie, but don't go shouting it from the rooftops either.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath Wed 02-Mar-16 14:36:24

exactly city and vince I wonder if the OP's definition of 'not lying' is slightly different to ours though.

Mummystar123 Wed 02-Mar-16 16:29:23

We were together, I was the other woman but didn't find out for a while and then discovered I was pregnant, he is no longer with his gf (wife but they are not married he just referred to her as his wife), we live in a small town so we do have friends in common which is how it all came out about his cheating etc. Finding out I was the ow was horrific, finding out I was pregnant was a shock and although I didn't want anymore children I have accepted that I'm having another child and now I'm actually looking forward to meeting her. People will know he is father both because of dates and the child's appearance. I'm not planning on shouting for the rooftops but I also won't lie if someone asks me, people that know us both have said ' how does ?????? Feel about it' etc and I've said were not together anymore. It's obviously his baby and people that know me know I'm not one to be shagging multiple partners and know how in love with him i was, it took everything for me to leave him and not stay after finding out I was ow.
I know he never loved me, how could he have if he is treating me like this but I would never speak ill of him Tommy child. I will of course be honest with her but.... My eldest child knows who he is ( she's a teenager) and is going tot he same secondary school as his daughter, it won't take much for her to work out the daughter is this baby's half sibling etc, people that know us both, know I'm pregnant and I'm not able to censor them too?.
I think I should just be honest, my go knows it's his baby as he came with me when I found out I was pregnant, I'm just frightened that he will go nuts if I a. Apply for child support and b. Don't lie about hi being the father

Drew64 Wed 02-Mar-16 16:42:43

Be honest!

Mummystar123 Wed 02-Mar-16 17:21:36

I'm not sure what u mean by that nevertakeyourphoneinthebath!?
My definition of not lying is exactly the same as everyone else's as in not lying means, don't tell lies, or twist the truth, or lie by omission, or anything else your suggesting.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath Wed 02-Mar-16 17:33:15

ok fair enough. I just got the impression you might be itching to tell people (his parents, friends etc) who otherwise would never have needed to find out, out of some sort of sense of indignation.

30andtired Wed 02-Mar-16 17:47:25

Personally, and I know this isn't the favoured answer. I would keep his name completely out of it.

I'd say "we've split up" to those who ask about him directly.

And to those who ask who the father is, which I'm sure won't be many, I'd reply with something like "that's a conversation I'll be having with my daughter when she's old enough before I discuss it with anyone else".

My reasons would be that he could apply for joint custody at any given time, and no way on this earth would I be happy handing my baby over to the person you describe, I know fathers have rights and great if they treat the mother correctly and interested in the child's best interests but none of what you say reflects the type of person of want my baby with without my supervision im the very early years.

Id rather bring my child up alone with no father than allow her to know what a knob her real father is.

DontKillMyVibe Wed 02-Mar-16 17:50:50

God yes, be honest. Don't lie for him plus it means you'll have to eventually lie to your own child about their parentage if you really want to keep your ex's 'secret' for him

DontKillMyVibe Wed 02-Mar-16 17:51:25

Though I wouldn't necessarily put his name on the birth certificate

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