Do I be honest about baby's dad??

[Mummystar123]

My ex wants nothing to do with our baby, it's a long backstory but the short version is that he's a cheater, we split he said I should get rid of baby, I haven't, he said he will tell everyone baby isn't his and deny a dna teSt/ refuse to pay csa.
I have been asked a few times if babies dad is excited etc and I've said were no longer together but he wants me to tell people he's not the father so his teenage children and family don't find out. Do I just be honest anyway and be safe in the knowledge that his children finding out is not my problem ( tbh it will be obvious he's dad when baby is born and people know we were together) or do I do what he says and lie to protect his other kids??

I agree with 30andtired. Never lie but disengage as much as possible. As you're not married not sure where you'd stand with the birth certificate if he didn't go with you anyway.

In terms of your older daughter, I'd be honest with her, but also be clear what your line will be and that you don't want it to be discussed outside the home. If anyone asks, she has her own version of your stock response: yes of course mum knows who the father is, no I'm not telling you, that's between mum and the baby when she's old enough

I think you should go ahead and do the important things. Claim financial support for your daughter, which she is entitled to. Tell her who her father is, which she is entitled to. Keep answering people who ask what he thinks with, "I don't know, we aren't together anymore".

Don't advertise it across Facebook. Don't stir in his family. I didn't need to say that because I know you'll retain your dignity like you did by ending things when you found out that you had unwittingly become the OW.

What he chooses to do in terms of making a fuss isn't in your control. It may not be comfortable for you but he will probably be denying your DD locally regardless of whether you support her in the truth or by requiring her father to provide for her.

Just out of interest...what is so remarkable about his appearance that he will be immediately outed as the father of the baby ?

I have totally disengaged with him, blocked him and his friends etc on FB, change phone number, avoid places I think he will be. My daughter is massively upset because she knows of his other daughter and knows she will have a baby sister, likewise while I can disengage myself I can't censor other people and a few of the ladies I used to work with have a tendency to ignight drama so will probably start the rumor mill back off once baby is born.
I think the best way for me to conduct myself is to be calm and avoid confrontation but to not be bullied into lying to cover his ass, I have no loyalty to him as he clearly has none to me so those that know we were together I will acknowledge he is the father but simply say we are now separated and with everybody else I will just simply say that I am no longer with babies dad and leave it at that.
I will let him know when she is born out of courtesy nod then leave the ball in his court regarding contact but apply through the cms for maintenance.
I feel so much better just sounding out on here and hearing other opinions.
Thanks everyone.

I live in a small town where everyone knows of everyone in some way or another and he has very specific features that will make it clear to anyone that knows we were together that it's his child.

What...very specific features that will be obvious on a newborn baby ? Sorry to harp on...just not getting it.

But anyway, what you summarised upthread is exactly what you should do

what a cunt

no do not keep quiet!! shout it from the roof tops!!

and the twat still has to pay csa whether he has anything to do with the baby or not god "men" like this make my blood boil

Why not put his name on the birth certificate? This should be about the child and ime the child doesn't feel good about the father being listed as --.

Yeah, what specific features?

I think do what you think is right in any given situation and don't be influenced by him. You sound like you've got your head screwed on.

Why not put his name on the birth certificate?

He wants nothing to do with the child so is very unlikely to come with the OP to register the birth, which he'd have to in order to be on the BC as they aren't married.

OP, as a single parent honesty is very important. I completely agree with your decision not to cover for him. Do not deny that the child is his. You'll create more gossip that way and your older DD is likely to hear some of it.

If he is denying that the baby is his, then you can't put his name on the birth certificate as he will need to go with you to register. This isn't very likely by the sounds of it.

Just be very clear. You have no reason to lie. Your business is your business. No one else needs to be involved in any way. It is not your responsibility to protect his children from anything. He really should have thought of that.

I would suggest the following course of action:

1. Have baby with a relative or close friend supporting you at the birth.
2. Email or text your ex when baby has arrived. Give the basic details. Don't call, keep the email or text as proof that he was informed.
3. Register baby.
4. Contact the CSA or equivalent people.

You need to do no more than that at this stage.

And congratulations .

ELK - it's not about what he wants. It's about the child.

AF I think he must be The Only Black/Purple/Chinese In the Village

I must say I am amazed you managed to meet this very distinctive looking man for the first time through OLD and previously had no idea who he was, or that he was very local, your kids go to school with his kids and he was still living with his partner, given that you insist you live in this tiny incestuous community where there is no chance of anyone keeping things a secret from anyone.

I think the best way for me to conduct myself is to be calm and avoid confrontation but to not be bullied into lying to cover his ass, I have no loyalty to him as he clearly has none to me so those that know we were together I will acknowledge he is the father but simply say we are now separated and with everybody else I will just simply say that I am no longer with babies dad and leave it at that.
I will let him know when she is born out of courtesy nod then leave the ball in his court regarding contact but apply through the cms for maintenance.

That all sounds eminently sensible.

Were you born that snarky towards people asking for help iPhone or do you have to work at it.
I have not lived here for very long which is why I didn't know he was married, yes he has a different ethnicity to myself so it will be obvious and although the there are other people with this ethnicity I'm not a slut and have not sleep with multiple people so yes it will be obvious that it's his baby especially as half our district knew we were together- I have no idea how it didn't come out sooner- maybe he was so braisen in his affair people thought it couldn't possibly be true.
No if you have nothing positive to bring to this thread maybe you could do something better with your time

Going I'm well aware of that. Does he sound to you like he has the child's interests in mind? Like he'd voluntarily come to register the birth?

I've no idea. I just know that it would have stopped added upset for me if my father had put his name on the certificate. I was given his surname but he wasn't on it. He's a twat so it isn't about that.

My father is not on my birth cert and I went looking for him a few years back- he genuinely was the biggest knob I've ever met so I had no probs that he was never in my life and I've never seen him since! My mum was always honest with me about who my dad was and I always felt glad of that. He didn't deny I was his though so that makes my situation somewhat different to my child's.