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AIBU - boyfriend's night out?

(129 Posts)
warmfuzzy2 Thu 21-Jan-16 09:32:28

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to a situation or not so would welcome any feedback even if it's to say yes I am!

Here is the story:

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 4 months so still a fairly new relationship. We usually see each other 3/4 nights during the week; he lives about 40 minutes from me but we work in the same city so it's just evolved that he stays with me quite a bit as it's more convenient for his work plus he wants to see me of course! He is divorced and has his kids every third weekend, whom I've not met yet as we feel it's still too early but I see him most weekends.

However I didn't see him much over Christmas/New Year as I was away visiting my grown-up kids then when I came back he has his children. We were together for New Years eve and we went out with my family for a meal so it was my treat and New Years Day but then his work the next day called to see he had to go work away for 3 weeks.

While away he phoned everyday and we both said we missed each other lots. He said as soon as he was back he would take me out somewhere special to make up for being away and that we should spend more quality time together. He surprised me by coming back early at the start of this week and he has been staying at my flat, where coincidentally I cook his meals for him!

We were talking last night and he said oh by the way do you mind if I go out with my mate Saturday night?
My immediate response was oh that's ok but after thinking about it I told him this morning actually I'm a bit annoyed you promised to take me out and it's something I've really been looking forward to.

He immediately jumped down my throat and said God it's just one night! I said yes, but it's the poor timing i'm questioning this is his first weekend back and I just feel low on his priorities as I'm being blown off in favour of his friends. He apologised and said he had forgotten his promise which did NOT make me feel better. He offered to cancel his friend if i wanted him too. Well now i feel the whole quality time thing has just been ruined.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 21-Jan-16 09:34:53

Yes yabu I think
Why couldn't you go out in Friday?
Why is he asking if you mind if he goes out? That's weird. I think you've moved too fast.
Plus he's been back for a few days and staying with you, it's not like you haven't seen each other, you could do your special night out another time

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 21-Jan-16 09:35:40

And as for being low in his priorities- you aren't, you just aren't top priority 100% of the time which is healthy imo

Duckdeamon Thu 21-Jan-16 09:38:22

Yanbu if the "date" had been properly booked.

Yanbu to be disappointed, but it is just one Saturday night.

ricketytickety Thu 21-Jan-16 09:41:51

Two things:

1. It's not right for him to stay at yours without asking you first if he can live there during the week and pay towards your rent and bills.

2. 'Jumped down my throat' was a massive overreaction on his part to what I think was a fair enough response from you - he'd said he'd take you out and so he shouldn't then 'forget' and plan something else.

Both these are little warning signs imo.

ricketytickety Thu 21-Jan-16 09:42:29

Two things:

1. It's not right for him to stay at yours without asking you first if he can live there during the week and pay towards your rent and bills.

2. 'Jumped down my throat' was a massive overreaction on his part to what I think was a fair enough response from you - he'd said he'd take you out and so he shouldn't then 'forget' and plan something else.

Both these are little warning signs imo.

Annarose2014 Thu 21-Jan-16 09:44:35

All this after 4 MONTHS? ???

Good grief!

warmfuzzy2 Thu 21-Jan-16 09:45:49

I suppose I'm just disappointed because I was REALLY looking forward to it - I don't get taken out for meals very often at all.

Yes, he's staying with me but I'm cooking for him, I want to feel like a girlfriend not a housekeeper.

Only1scoop Thu 21-Jan-16 09:46:30

Some little warning signs

I wouldn't be having him stay all the time and certainly not cooking meals. What does he do?

Sounds like you are being taken for granted very early on.

He should have taken you out as promised on his return but obviously he has different priorities.

Sounds like too much of an 'old routine' has already started to establish.

Only1scoop Thu 21-Jan-16 09:47:29

So STOP being a housekeeper/cook/ etc.

MissyMaker Thu 21-Jan-16 09:48:11

My first reaction was that YABU. But then I also agree with rickety about the warning signs.

Actually OP, you don't sound terribly happy with him - it all sounds a bit imbalanced - you treat him, you cook for him, but then he 'forgets' to treat you.

I don't think that it's a big deal that he wants to go out with his mate on Saturday. But the other things make me wonder whether this is a particularly happy or healthy relationship.

warmfuzzy2 Thu 21-Jan-16 09:53:49

Yes, I suppose I am being unreasonable then.

I think I'm starting to feel quite resentful about this staying with me during the week with no contribution being made. I don't get a huge wage and i work 6 days a week.
I'm peeved that he has come back with a huge bonus and is going out for a meal etc with his friends instead of taking me out- and yes I'm aware of how childish that sounds!

SevenOfNineTrue Thu 21-Jan-16 09:55:48

I agree about the warning signs. A decent man would contribute in some way towards staying over so often.

Only1scoop Thu 21-Jan-16 09:57:48

It doesn't sound childish I'd be hurt too.

Stop this routine developing anymore. Let him make some effort if he wants to be with you. Date him, go out have fun....sounds like you work hard 6 days a week. Stop doing so much.

Not even dinner out on his return I hope you're not still feeding him all the time.

Let him work it out.

TheNaze73 Thu 21-Jan-16 09:58:56

I don't think he's doing anything wrong, we all need to let off steam with our friends. I do think that after 4 months this is a massive over reaction. One thing I would do, is the midweek bit, he's having his cake & eating it. You should sort that out. As a bloke I wouldn't dream of taking advantage of that. After 4 months this does sound like hassle. You should just be looking forward to the next date & having a laugh. Hope it all sorts itself out, you've been very generous I think

Duckdeamon Thu 21-Jan-16 10:00:17

Agree with Pp that it's not on for you to be catering and paying for stuff all the time.

Leelu6 Thu 21-Jan-16 10:04:57

He sounds like a wannabe cocklodger.

You will know if he is or not once you ask him to contribute to living costs.

Wombat87 Thu 21-Jan-16 10:07:53

I get where you're coming from. DP has ruined more than one 'date night' by going out the night before and being so disgustingly hungover I didn't even want to go for dinner with him. We rarely go out somewhere nice together so I always massively resent him and Hoover early the next morning for putting a random night where he couldn't say no to beer above a promise he'd made to me that I was looking forward too.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be disappointed. You've voiced your opinion of it and he said he'd cancel. You'd be being unreasonable if you were still sulking about it all. His mate probably won't care if he cancels. Tell him you want him to cancel and joke about how he now needs to make it extra special for you to make up for it. Then just move on.

If you're annoyed about the staying and cooking... I'd just tell him. Say he needs to pull his weight. I do with DP "you're cooking tonight what are we having". If it's a take away because he's lazy that suits me just fine. Have the house keeping conversation sooner rather than later.

Hellochicken Thu 21-Jan-16 10:10:57

Yabu, pick another date

NerrSnerr Thu 21-Jan-16 10:11:20

It all sounds too much too soon. I would stop cooking for him every time. If he's staying at yours just tell him it's his turn to cook as you cooked the night before.

Can you speak to him and arrange to go out on a different night?

4seasons Thu 21-Jan-16 10:12:03

Well, he really has got his feet under your table hasn't he ? After this long in a relationship I would still be expecting " girlfriend" treatment not " comfortable as an old pair of slippers " treatment. Presumably his washing , ironing etc also get done by you as well as his meals cooked ? Wonder why he's divorced !
Personally I would tell him you've changed your mind about Saturday and tell him to enjoy himself. Then organise a night out with your own friends ( or just go out somewhere on your own.... preferably for most of the day and evening ).During the week have several days when you are sooooo shattered that you just slob out on the sofa as soon as you get in. Suggest he makes you both beans on toast or goes to get a takeaway ( he pays !). You have been an independent woman , living on your own , paying your own way .... now you have what is commonly known on Mumsnet as a " cocklodger ". This isn't about a nice night out for you. This is about a man who takes you for granted and is saving his time and money by using your accomodation without paying and having an unpaid housekeeper in the bargain. How dare you complain ! You are supposed to be grateful that the owner of a penis is giving you the huge gift of his presence.

Hellochicken Thu 21-Jan-16 10:12:23

I meant about him going out on the Saturday with his friends

Only1scoop Thu 21-Jan-16 10:14:37

You don't do his washing and ironing do you Op?

<Please say no>

hownottofuckup Thu 21-Jan-16 10:22:45

After your last update no I don't think you're being unreasonable at all !
It sounds like he wants to celebrate his bonus with his friends, but is happy to stay at yours and let you cook his meals for him....
This might not have been his intention but it is how it comes across.
Can you talk to him about it without having a row? If you can't, then forget it and dump him.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 21-Jan-16 10:23:37

Do you have friends that would be free to go out at short notice op? That would be the way I'd want to go; let him go out with his mate but make sure I was out with mine too. Otherwise the options are:

a) sit at home feeling resentful

b) sit at a restaurant with him feeling sad that I had to insist on being taken out.

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