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People that always turn people against others

(16 Posts)
DefinitelyNoWay Mon 17-Aug-15 16:50:52

How do they do it? How can they manage to get a whole gang of others not speaking to one person? How do they get away with it?

I have had this happen to me several times over the years, the women that turned others against me were always people I would consider to be good friends. My 'best friend' at secondary school even did this to me but I didn't realise until after I left school, I always thought that I was unpopular.

Now I have had it happen again with a mum from my DCs school, and I am actually intrigued about how she has done it. I am not a very exciting person with no scandal in my life and I am fairly quiet, so there's not really anything to actually tell people to turn them against me.

Coffeemarkone Mon 17-Aug-15 16:53:47

oh yes I knew someone like that...about 20 odd years ago...
oddly I think she has done it again with some mutual friends just recently..even though I haven't seen her for all that time.
She could actually turn family members against each other, let alone groups of friends.
She would decide who was 'out' and make sure that everyone obeyed her.
I have no idea HOW one does this.
Be a complete biatch I suppose.

sebsmummy1 Mon 17-Aug-15 16:56:02

I've had it happen when I was being bullied in a Junior school, thankfully not ever since.

Sounds like you have been Wendied. Person is a friend or claims to be anyway, then makes friends with other friends of yours and systematically freezes you out and turns these other 'friends' against you. Does that sound familiar? It seems to happen a lot and I can only assume it's some nasty fucked up personality trait that some women seem to have. A power thrill I imagine and a Queen Bee thing. Social media seems to have allowed these narcissists to thrive and make the 'victim' feel even more alone.

ARV1981 Mon 17-Aug-15 17:02:29

This happened to me at high school.

I have never allowed myself to have a "group" of friends since. I sometimes think that's a shame but hearing that grown-up women do it too I'm pleased I haven't ever been tempted to fall into a group again.

I think I'm anti-social though grin

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 17-Aug-15 17:09:22

It's their insecurity and a sense of your niceness I think.

I had it happen in secondary school and as the peace seeking, and slightly more vunerabke girl I walked away from my dearest friend.

Same girl got in touch on FB 30 years later and asked the first question, are you in touch with X? (Our friend in the middle of our toxic triangle).

I burst into tears, even though I hadn't thought on it for so long.

ZetaPu Mon 17-Aug-15 17:14:07

When someone (a Wendy) turned me and others against a friend (I know! I was 20 and gullible), she told us that my friend been saying things about me. Things that were nt even important, like she'd given me a pound for something and then apparently she'd gone round telling everyone that I was skint and she had to keep giving me money. It's hard to explain but it was stuff that was believable and you wouldn't want to confront anyone about. Wendy would also tell us how friend had been nasty to Wendy but not to say anything as she didn't want trouble so we were all appalled and annoyed with friend but didn't say anything.
Thankfully we cottoned on eventually and felt so foolish and awful. Friend forgave us and we re still good friends 20 yrs on.

stargazer2030 Mon 17-Aug-15 17:31:47

Someone has tried to do this to do this to me recently but only half suceeded. I think the reason was jealousy over a mutual friend in the group and the fact that i am a bit of a leader and the Wendy didn't like it (I didn't know I was a leader, btw, only found out as Wendy had been telling people that they always do what I say).
Its s long story but she has been very manipulative, told lies about things I have allegedly said to her, played the poor victim and really tried to turn everyone against me.
We are a group who have known each other for 20 plus years except for 'Wendy' who is fairly recent.
It has been awful (and still is) but luckily the people who have known me years can see through the lies.
Am not a shrinking violet but it has really knocked my confidence and made me question a lot of things. This in turn annoys me as i want took totally ignore her and take the moral high ground. I don't want to stoop to her level.
To be honest could actually punch her when I see her (although I obviously never would). Feel like I am still in the playground! We are all mid to late 40's early 50's not teenagers!

DefinitelyNoWay Mon 17-Aug-15 17:58:04

The woman who is doing this to me recently seems to do it on a rotation of who she turns against me. It was originally two people then I acted like I was not bothered so she dropped them and turned another against me, and the first two started talking to me again, only for her to pick up with them again and for them to blank me again.

Also a friend that I always go to the gym with, whom I have known for years, recently told me that she was going to stop the gym for a while due to a leg injury but now I have found out she is going to the gym with this woman, and also my gym friend isn't really talking to me either.

chaiselounger Mon 17-Aug-15 17:58:14

I don't know how they do it either. But they are very clever and very manipulative, aren't they?

Smilingforth Mon 17-Aug-15 18:37:11

Yes. It's amazing that they manage this. I've seen it happen twice; it's a matter of a lot of charm and a devious mind?

KERALA1 Mon 17-Aug-15 18:47:33

I think this has happened to me. Introduced Wendy into a group of my friends she has gradually smarmed round many of the other women and become "best friends" with several. Throughout I have kept inviting her to stuff as I try to be inclusive and she always comes but realised she never ever invites me or dh to anything and has been inviting the others to cosy suppers. Feel pathetic even brooding about it - I am 40! Luckily several of the women are proper friends and she has not dared "turn" any one against me as it's a very unbitchy group. But she has tried to freeze me out though. Or it's all in my head?!

sebsmummy1 Mon 17-Aug-15 18:58:28

Perhaps it's the sheep we should be angrier at? If you have a long standing friendship group and someone new to the group is able to cause one member to become ostracised without any of the other women thinking 'woah, hang on a minute, she's my mate', then I really think these people have some self esteem issues also.

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 17-Aug-15 19:00:52

But I think sometimes it happens without them realising, or that in the UK we don't deal with embarrassment and being too outspoken on these things.

It's very manipulative behaviour when you aren't expecting it. Especially in your 40s. confused

sebsmummy1 Mon 17-Aug-15 19:11:27

I just wouldn't let it happen. I would defend my friends until my last breath, but perhaps because of my history I'm particularly aware of just how unpleasant and manipulative some people can be.

patienceisvirtuous Mon 17-Aug-15 19:18:06

A 'friend' attempted to do this to me... I had suspicions she was jealous of me (subtle put-downs etc). We went on holiday as a group and tried to ostracise me and slagged me off individually to the others. Luckily my friends cottoned on to her straight away and told me what she was up to. We all just continued to enjoy the holiday and not make a fuss, but we all regarded her with caution!

Sorry you're having a rough time OP. 'It's them, not you.'

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 17-Aug-15 19:22:18

Yes it's really weird isn't it? DD has had this happen recently, other girl got in between her and friend and friend ditches DD, I told her other girl must be saying stuff, and if she believes these lies then she wasn't a friend to start with. Other girl will realise DD not bothered and will go after another friend. I think it's jealousy - the other girl wanting a close friendship like DD has, but not able to sustain one. other girl is quite flaky and will not show up at a meeting place for pictures etc and leave others standing there - they soon come back to DD - and so it starts again.

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