Am I being selfish?(152 Posts)
Kind of an AIBU, but too scared to post there! Have name changed as think DP knows my normal username. Sorry this may be a bit long but don't want to drip feed.
He and I have been together for four years. We started living together fulltime earlier this year. I have one ds who is ten.
I am very close to my parents and have always spent Christmas with them. Ds usually spends one day with us and one day with his dad. Since DP and I have been together he has spent Christmas with me and my family - this has been entirely his choice and I've never made him feel that he has to or that I expect it. His family live on the other side of the country (we are in South East England, they are in ne Scotland) so it has been partly convenience, I guess. Because they live so far away, I've only met them a handful of times and ds only once.
Anyway, a few weeks ago dp said that he wanted us all to go up to Scotland and spend next Xmas with his family. In all honesty I wasnt mad keen, but equally felt that it wasn't unreasonable on his part and agreed it would be ok. However, when I mentioned it to ds, he got really, really upset and begged me to talk to dp because he didn't want to go. He said that he didn't want to be away from his dad and his grandparents, and that he couldn't imagine spending Xmas without them and away from his home. I have honestly never seen him have such a strong reaction to a suggestion before . Dp's family, nice as they are, are virtual strangers to ds and I do understand his reaction.
However, I have no idea how to broach this with dp. He will be very, very pissed off. my mind keeps going back to after our summer holiday when we had a massive row because he said that I always put his wants last, and ride roughshod over what he wants to do in favour of what I (and ds) want (the examples he gave were that we didn't go to the beach one day when he wanted to, and I never buy his favourite yoghurt when I go shopping). I am genuinely worried about how he will take me saying that ds really doesn't want to go. I was awake all last night worrying about it.
Am I being selfish? Should I just make ds go? That feels really wrong, but at the same time I don't want dp to think I'm not taking him into account. I would happily go up the week before Xmas to see them but I don't think dp would go for that. I am absolutely dreading this conversation and would appreciate any advice.
Why don't you leave your ds with his dad and arrange for his dad to make sure he gets to see his GPs, and just you and DP go to Scotland?
I'm sure his family will understand that it's v common for doc to spend alternate Xmases with their dad if the live with mum.
Hi mumblechum - Ds's dad is not really in a position to have him for the whole of xmas ( complicated!) plus ds would not want to spend xmas without me - nor would I want to spend it without my son tbh!
I think you should do what you've already agreed to do. Tell DS you'll have a second Christmas at home when you get back.
Your DP isn't being unreasonable to want to spend a rare Christmas with his family.
It's a shame you can't talk to your partner about this without fear of arguments and resentment.
The option your partner prefers isn't a viable one, so you need to come up with some other options that are. If he 'kicks off' I think you have some thinking to do about this relationship.
As an adult have you never not seen your parents on Christmas Day?
I find that unusual.
I think though if you have said yes then you should stick to it.
Your son will get to see his GPs, won't he?
Just not on CD.
I think you are a little too frightened of your partner's reaction
The comments he made after your summer holiday are ridiculous and show a great deal of immaturity and jealousy of your son. You don't buy the correct yoghurts, ffs ?
I think you realise you are close to the point of having to face deciding whose welfare is your priority. Think very carefully about that.
The DS should be allowed to see his dad at Xmas if he wants to, in my view.
I think the key here is to compromise. Ds cannot have all things all ways.
Others on here might say children come above all else, I say everyone's happiness matters equally. Once someone in a relationship starts putting their own needs/desires above everyone else's the rot sets in.
By the way, Hogmanay is a big festive deal in Scotland so you could all go up for the New Year's Eve and Day period.
Yes, af, I think I probably am
I feel completely torn, but I feel that way all the time. Dp and ds get on but surely, in the end, ds comes first? Like I said, dp's parents are perfectly lovely people but they are strangers to ds.
quitelikely - I know compromise is important but I don't think a child who wants to see both his parents at Xmas sees it that way...
I can understand why your partner wants to see his parents and why your ds doesn't want to go. Why should he want go? they are not his family and he rarely seen them.
The best choice would be for your son spend Christmas day with his father.
Of course your son doesn't want to spend Xmas with strangers at the other end of the country! But I think it has to be your choice, not his.
Out of interest, why didn't you feel able to express your doubts at the time he originally suggested the trip?
Your man may well have been charm personified when apart but now you live together its a different story. What do you really know about this man in terms of relationship history, family and background?. I think he resents your son and you and comes across as being a selfish manchild to boot.
Re this comment:-
"However, I have no idea how to broach this with dp. He will be very, very pissed off. my mind keeps going back to after our summer holiday when we had a massive row because he said that I always put his wants last, and ride roughshod over what he wants to do in favour of what I (and ds) want (the examples he gave were that we didn't go to the beach one day when he wanted to, and I never buy his favourite yoghurt when I go shopping".
You did not buy his favourite yogurt; he is sounding really petulant as well as spoilt here. Is this really what you want for a man. Does he usually get pissed off with you when difficult subjects are raised?. My guess is that he indeed does because its all really about what he wants. He does not care about you or in particular your son enough.
It's the 15th of December. I would be furious if guests I was expecting cancelled at such short notice.
I'm talking about Christmas 2015, social media.
linerunner - I just kind of went along with it because a) it's not unreasonable and b) after the whole summer thing I was feeling like I needed to compromise more and let him feel like it wasn't all about what I wanted. However after to talking to ds I've realised that I didnt even consider that ds would feel that way. He is usually very easygoing but he just looked horrified at the idea. I feel shit about it all. I never seem to get the balance right!
No doubt OP but that's why children have parents - to make responsible decisions on their behalf.
See it this way your son is never going to want to go up to Scotland for Xmas is he?
And I think if you want to cancel you need to do it sooner rather than later
attila - it was petulant and he knows it, we talked a lot about things afterwards and he did say he was massively out of order. It caused a huge row at the time though. I'm afraid I did start to wonder if the relationship was really worth it...
I don't know. I was single for a long time before meeting dp and I think I've just got used to things being a certain way. Ds has had a very disrupted couple of years with a lot of change and he said last night that he didn't want any more. I know it probably seems like a fuss over nothing to most people though.
So you've got a whole year to get your son used to the idea, tell your OH that it isn't happening & you will have separate Christmases next year or leave OH!
Tbh I think the partner may have a point and has every right to feel like his needs come last.
I don't think it's a fuss over nothing. I think you are rather worryingly starting to tie yourself in knots over a bloke.
Would it not be a good idea for ds to get to know your dp's parents though?
I mean if you two of you are committed to each other for the long term wouldn't his parents have a step grandparent role?
This could be the beginning of something really lovely.
Young children do not get to decide Christmas imo, your son will have a wonderful time and this will be the start of new traditions and memories.
It was generous of them to offer, considering they don't know you very well either and it says a lot about how they love and support their son.
I'm surprised your ex has no input here. Arent your ds's plans something you decide between you?
I don't like that row you had in the summer, to me that's an adult with little understanding of children talking., which is understandable if he has no DC. Your reaction to it is a bit extreme though, your afraid to discuss things now?
Has something else happened to make you reluctant to disagree with him?
I think on this occasion you need to put your foot down to ds and say you're going. At 10 years old it will be a good experience to do something different and I think treating it as matter a factly as possible is the best way forward. Can you find some interesting tourist things to do to sell it to him?
I think perhaps he is picking up on the fact you don't want to go. If he feels you are enthusiastic about it he might feel better.
If there are other issues in your relationship he might also be picking up on that. The thing with the yoghurt seems odd. I can understand the dp feeling annoyed if he never gets to have his favourite foods etc but why is this? Is that even true? Maybe you need to work on becoming more merged as a family in terms of finances, chores and decisions etc.
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