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children's dad is refusing to pay maintenance?

(44 Posts)
Missqwerty Wed 03-Dec-14 14:56:17

Bit of background. My ex used to pay me £160 a month maintenance for our 2 children. I pick them up from his Monday morning and do all the school runs and drop them off at his Friday after school.

He's just got married, he's never worked due to mostly laying on a disability and receiving DLA. He used to get around £1000 in benefits which meant he contributed £160 a month. Now he gets his £400 DLA plus tax credits and working tax joint as she works part time whiles he looks after her children. Over all from what he told me they do very well for money and she receives maintenance for her kids too.

Three weeks ago she messaged me saying she wasn't letting him pay a penny anymore. We argued, I decided that I couldn't stop my children seeing their dad as it would make them hate me, that his dad should contribute to things such as school uniforms etc. They refused that too! Saying they are only providing for them the time they have them and nothing more!! That my OH is now responsible for them.

Now my OH does provide for them, has for the 2 years we live together. But I'm disgusted they can decide I have to do everything Mon - Fri. Pay for everything, pay for every holiday. I've asked them to help out more with uniforms, school trips, do more during the week so things are more equal so I can work more. They refused!!

I feel so trapped sad I can't refused to send the kids as they would be upset, but they want to provide zero, they never take them out or on holiday. Every week they change the plans and say they can't pick them up and ask me to drop them off which is an absolute piss take as they have a motability car for ex. I can't exactly say contribute and pull your weight or u can't see the kids. I've tried that and it's the kids who suffer as they just wait it out till the kids cry to see their dad and I can't bare to make my kids suffer over money!

Has anybody been in this situation ? I've decided all I can do is my best by my children and they will grow up and see the truth. However I'm furious and upset too as he even demanded I give him half my tax credits even though we don't parent 50/50!

Sorry for the long disjointed post, 2 poorly children jumping allover me as I'm trying to type

Darkesteyes Wed 03-Dec-14 14:57:58

CSA Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Missqwerty Wed 03-Dec-14 15:03:58

Just to add he has them Friday 3:30 till Monday 8:20 before school. I have paid for every school dinner, uniform, clothes, provided every holiday 1-2 times a year. Done every school run, I take care of all doctors and dentist appointments, make and provide school costumes. Do parents evening myself etc.

Now this isn't my complaining, I would do it all by myself as I'm their mum and I would do anything for them. But I'm distraught he thinks he can provide zero and I can't do a thing. I know a lot of dad's go off the scene and leave mothers to go it alone. But he thinks he can leave me to do everything, pay for everything going and still get the fun times at the weekend shock

Missqwerty Wed 03-Dec-14 15:08:25

Csa won't do a thing! He's getting a minimum wage from benefits which can't be deducted from and he is more then capable of working but lies about been disabled. He looks after her kids whiles she works and they do well for money but it's all basically a loop hole which means none of it is deductible. I'm just furious that I have to allow him to be a dad under his own terms of providing zero.

Stripyhoglets Wed 03-Dec-14 15:10:19

Go to the CSA, although he doesn't work some of their tax credits may count as his income but you probably won't get as much as before. Don't take them to him, he should be collecting and dropping off, and think about whether you would like some of the weekends with them too as every weekend with him seems unfair to you, you do the hard slog and they get the weekend bit. I expect you will have to go collect them though but he should collect them from you. As you are the primary resident parent and pay for everything, you keep the tax credits.

Lweji Wed 03-Dec-14 15:10:30

It will have to be CSA, yes.
But, while not preventing contact, I would certainly not make sacrifices to help contact. He should do the running to have contact, not you for him.

Stripyhoglets Wed 03-Dec-14 15:11:58

Cross posted, sorry.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Wed 03-Dec-14 15:18:39

I can understand why you're raging and I would be too, but kids aren't pay per view, so you can't stop him seeing the kids because he pays you nothing, as much as anyone in your situation would want to.

Go to the CSA, even if you only end up with a fiver a week it's something.

I wouldn't be doing him any more favours. No more dropping them off, if he says he can't collect them from school on Friday you text a reply "that's a shame, can you let me know when you've made alternative arrangements to pick them up from mine please". He can provide weekend clothes, food, shoes, etc.

StrangeGlue Wed 03-Dec-14 15:25:14

I think I'd make an arrangement that he has to collect them on Friday and if he doesn't then you do t take them. I'd explain that to the kids too then it's his choice if he sees them.

You haven't given him your tax credits have you? If you have change that now to the proportion it should be. (Note: I know nothing about tax credits just noticed that in your update).

Missqwerty Wed 03-Dec-14 15:27:15

Thankyou everybody.

Cleanlines I don't want to do that either. My kids happiness comes first always, I guess I'm feeling a bit outraged by the lack of support. I suggested he contributed to school uniforms instead and he refused! His exact words where that I get tax credits for them so the government provides for them. I was disgusted however I reminded him that next year I won't qualify for tax credits and he asked me if he could claim them and split it! The cheek

Missqwerty Wed 03-Dec-14 15:30:52

Strange glue no I haven't!! I don't even get full tax credits anyway and as the children live with me and I am their primary carer I don't see why I should give him any! My kids are my world and I would do anything to make sure they are loved and financially safe. I just don't understand how he can change so much but I guess I have his wife to thank for that one

TravelinColour Wed 03-Dec-14 15:31:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shitatusernames Wed 03-Dec-14 15:37:47

He sounds like a money grabber to me.

I echo what others have said, don't take them to him after school on a Friday, if he wants them he collects them from yours.

I wonder how is new wife would feel if her ex suddenly declared he wasn't paying any more maintenance.

Lweji Wed 03-Dec-14 15:38:11

In my experience not bending backwards to accommodate an entitled father results in better and more reliable contact, which benefits the children.

Stripyhoglets Wed 03-Dec-14 15:41:56

If he isn't disabled or isn't as disabled as he says he is, then you should also report him for fraud as tbh, he's all take from everyone including the tax payer, which is why he can just stop supporting his children financially and sees nothing wrong with that. Don't let him claim tax credits, he'd have to be primary resident to get those and would get the child benefit as well. And probably still not pay you anything!

Stripyhoglets Wed 03-Dec-14 15:42:25

And probably claim CSA off you as well, if he got the tax credits.

chickensaresafehere Wed 03-Dec-14 15:50:24

My ex husband stopped paying mutually agreed maintenance over 2 years ago now for our now 14 year old daughter.
I filled in CSA form but because he is self employed,he managed to get out of having to pay me a penny.
He owns his own house,has a motorbike & a van & can afford to go on bike rallies.
He was emotionally abusive when we were together & as a result I don't have anything to do with him but have always encouraged my daughter to have contact with him.He never contacts her though,she has to contact him first.He is not at all interested in her school work or much else in her life.
She is now very aware of the fact that he doesn't pay maintenance,but is conflicted as she obviously loves him & wants him to be a good father,but she asks him for pocket money every time she sees him.
It is an extremely sad situation & my heart bleeds for her,as I feel he is now emotionally abusing her (in his own way).hmm

SlimJiminy Wed 03-Dec-14 16:04:01

I would report your ex to HMRC chicken and let them investigate his tax affairs. If he's managed to avoid paying you a penny, could he be avoiding paying the tax man too? Would report anonymously online just in case. Even if he's squeaky clean, it might shed some light on his finances and/or earnings? I have no idea if this could help you though, so not sure if it's worth a shot? It's so unfair that he has the money for a house, bike, etc but won't pay you anything and that's all fine and dandy?!?! WTF?!

smilingeyes79 Wed 03-Dec-14 16:31:07


You can apply to CSA for a variation.... They can take into account his lifestyle.
Also if you think is working but not declaring then report to hmrc tax evasion

TheHoneyBadger Wed 03-Dec-14 16:55:25

just go official on all of it. and let them know you intend to because if it turns out either of them is fiddling anything they might want to avoid tax man attention.

in reality this is a man who refuses to work and claims to be disabled yet isn't - he clearly isn't and wasn't going to be a provider and will always endeavour to do and pay as little as possible even for his own children.

it's sad but a fact.

csa and rethink the access. do you really never want a weekend with your own children?

Missqwerty Wed 03-Dec-14 17:25:10

I've rang the child maintenance services and it turns out I might be entitled to something! I was given a reference number and I contacted their Dad to inform him unless he makes a Contribution I will go down that route and it will cost him 20% more unless he comes to a mutually agreed payment with me. He then proceeded to block contact with me so now I have no idea what to tell the children about seeing their dad this Friday. I'm disgusted to say the least. All I want is for him to be a good dad and do right by them, I don't think it's fair he can go blocking me and leaving me unsure of any arrangements with the children. He can't have them weekdays instead as I tried that once and four times in a row my son was taken into school hours late, scruffy and made to lie as to why he was late. Turned out they slept in! He can't be trusted with them with regards to appointments and school. He was supposed to take my son to a party and he rang me to say he couldn't as his wife refused to drive as he apparatus turned her down for sex the night before. I went mad and demanded my son didn't suffer at the hands of their relationship and get a taxi. They also told me they cancelled my son's birthday party because I wouldn't let him sleep over night due to the neglect and turbulent relationship. So I quickly booked another and they lied so my son had two parties!! They are a nightmare to deal with and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing sending the children just because they want to go. They are 2 and 5 and don't really understand as I shield them from as much as I can, I don't know what to do for the best of them tbh sad

Missqwerty Wed 03-Dec-14 17:26:38

Omg- was supposed to say he apparently!! Oops

TheHoneyBadger Wed 03-Dec-14 17:35:46

but why EVERY weekend?

Rebecca2014 Wed 03-Dec-14 17:45:43

It sounds like his wife is the problem here and is encouraging him to be a deadbeat dad. Considering she has children herself from a past relationship and receives child support, it boggles the mind. Very horrible
and selfish people.

I hope you get something from CSA. I am sure its only if they are claiming job seekers you only get 5 pound a week.

CogitOIOIO Wed 03-Dec-14 18:09:31

No-one can be 'encouraged' to be a dead-beat dad if they are a decent person. Blaming the new wife sounds like a smokescreen really.

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