children's dad is refusing to pay maintenance?

[Missqwerty]

Bit of background. My ex used to pay me £160 a month maintenance for our 2 children. I pick them up from his Monday morning and do all the school runs and drop them off at his Friday after school.

He's just got married, he's never worked due to mostly laying on a disability and receiving DLA. He used to get around £1000 in benefits which meant he contributed £160 a month. Now he gets his £400 DLA plus tax credits and working tax joint as she works part time whiles he looks after her children. Over all from what he told me they do very well for money and she receives maintenance for her kids too.

Three weeks ago she messaged me saying she wasn't letting him pay a penny anymore. We argued, I decided that I couldn't stop my children seeing their dad as it would make them hate me, that his dad should contribute to things such as school uniforms etc. They refused that too! Saying they are only providing for them the time they have them and nothing more!! That my OH is now responsible for them.

Now my OH does provide for them, has for the 2 years we live together. But I'm disgusted they can decide I have to do everything Mon - Fri. Pay for everything, pay for every holiday. I've asked them to help out more with uniforms, school trips, do more during the week so things are more equal so I can work more. They refused!!

I feel so trapped :( I can't refused to send the kids as they would be upset, but they want to provide zero, they never take them out or on holiday. Every week they change the plans and say they can't pick them up and ask me to drop them off which is an absolute piss take as they have a motability car for ex. I can't exactly say contribute and pull your weight or u can't see the kids. I've tried that and it's the kids who suffer as they just wait it out till the kids cry to see their dad and I can't bare to make my kids suffer over money!

Has anybody been in this situation ? I've decided all I can do is my best by my children and they will grow up and see the truth. However I'm furious and upset too as he even demanded I give him half my tax credits even though we don't parent 50/50!

Sorry for the long disjointed post, 2 poorly children jumping allover me as I'm trying to type

does he really have them every weekend? That is too much, every other is plenty. And do not take them to him this weekend - if he wants to see them he needs to pick them up. Stop running round after him.

I do agree she has encouraged him but he is a grown man and nobody could convince me to ever not provide for my children or be there for them. I've told him all this but he's adamant she's amazing and he's not in the wrong!

I don't mind him seeing the kids as much as he does but I think it's unfair he won't have them week days so I can have weekends with them too. He refuses to do anything for them when it comes to school etc. We tried that as he kicked off he wanted some weekends to himself and I ended up been called into a meeting at the school as they kept sleeping in and taking my eldest at 11 am! I don't trust him to take my son anymore and although it's mostly me doing everything and he contributes zero financially I can't refuse to let the kids see him as it upsets them and I would rather do everything knowing I've done my best then end up with social services involved because of their neglect. He didn't even turn upto the meeting with the school and I had to explain and the school completely understood mu problem however if ex is unreasonable I will always do the lions share as my kids are more important and if he won't do his bit il do it for him as I can't bloody force him to be a good dad.

I'm furious as he contributes zero financially, does as little as possible for them and tells people all the time I can't cope and he's taking them off me! I have never given that impression or felt that way so god knows why he sees that. I feel trapped as the kids love him so I can't upset them and withdraw access but he's not been a very good Dad! He hadn't seen them for weeks and the first time he saw them last weekend he dropped them off at his parents to sleep in less then 24 hours! He didn't even ask me if this was ok, he says he can basically do as he likes and if I don't like it he won't have them. So now I'm trapped with what is right for them over all as they would be upset if I cut contact but I honestly think he is a deadbeat!

Again sorry for the rambling, tired and stressed out with a toddler sleeping in my bed poking me in the eye as he's been sick and scared to leave him alone in his bed.. joys of motherhood!

I don't believe that someone who is this shit at being a weekday parent is really providing them with a satisfactory environment every weekend. They may be used to it and they may love him, but the arrangement is unfair. They are 2 and 5 but as they get older they will have considerable homework to get done at weekends. That won't happen at his house. They will have activities and parties and sleepovers to go to, and he simply can't be arsed with facilitating those based on the evidence so far.

I would stop attempting to negotiate with him in any way. Go through with your CSA threat - the 'not pay per view' mantra cuts both ways. He can pay and not see them if that's what he wants to do.

I would consult with a solicitor about a fairer access arrangement - every other weekend, for example. You're having almost no quality time with your children in my opinion, and that isn't fair to you or them.

He is correct, though, that if he wants them to sleep at his parents' house during his access time he can do that without consulting you. Choose your battles - and of course refuse to engage with his DP in any way. This does not concern her.

Don't get angry. Take action. And do report him as well for benefit fraud.

You don't even have to consult anyone about a fairer access arrangement at this point. Just stop forcing them on him and enabling his behaviour. If he can't be bothered picking them up, he doesn't get to see them. That's not withdrawing access - you're not preventing access. You're just stopping being a mug.

They can't go to his every weekend forever. Changing the arrangements is not going to harm them. From the sound of it he's going to bugger off at some point anyway. Stop being so keen to maintain this contact every weekend with no input from him - it'll be a worse shock for them when they suddenly never see him anymore. It's also setting them up to think that if they don't see them anymore it's because you're mean and cruel and won't take them, rather than because their idiot of a father doesn't care enough to pick them up.

PS. He says that crap about his new wife for the express purpose of winding you up. Why on earth else would he tell you about him refusing her sex? He's also likely trying to direct your ire at her instead of him, so he gets away with being a waste of space.

yep - go get a proper contact arrangement sorted out - you are doing all the slog and he is just having the fun, and with you facilitating it too! The kids wont thank you for this in years to come, believe me.
Normal contact is one night a week and every other weekend. Let him take responsibility for his own shoddy parenting - if he cant get them to school he will soon get fined or hauled up, or the kids will see who he really is and make up their own minds, rather than you covering his back for him - why should he get to be golden dad at your expense? And why should you not have any leisure time with them - once they are at school full time you will never see them.
If he cant step up to the mark better to get it all out of the way now - you really are doing the kids no favours at all.
And 100% go down the CSA route.

why did YOU go to the meeting at the school and not him? I would have made sure they hauled his lazy arse in.

If he cannot get them to school Monday morning then they need to be back to you Sunday afternoon, give them time to wind down, have tea, bath and bed.

Ok, push forward with the CMS claim.

And you need to change the every weekend thing, you do the slog so you need down time with the kids too. I'd offer each Friday and every other full weekend with tea in the week. Its not fair on the children to not get relaxed time with you too.

And both the ex and his wife sound awful

Thankyou everybody. It's nice to see things from another perspective as I felt I had to maintain contact with him for the kids happiness but I aren't responsible for picking up after him am I. I'm going to apply for child maintenance and tell him if he can't make the effort for them on a weekend he can sod off! I'm also going to make sure I get more leisure time with them too :)

But this isn't maintaining contact with him, this is providing him with weekday childcare at your expense, it's crazy.

He is neglectful during the week so will also be at the weekends. He might sleep in...do they? Or do they have to wait until 11 for breakfast. Or make their own? Or are they kept up so late they sleep in too? Bathed at all? Changes of clothes? Teeth cleaned?

You know all this but your dc don't. Not really. Maybe it's kind of fun, even. But neglect isn't Fun,of course. It's dangerous. He knows how inadequate and hopeless this is, hence is refusal to engage with figures of authority (school). And sadly you could be seen to condone or enable this by attending these meetings and even covering for him.( I'm not saying you do this btw, it could easily happen,though).

The kind of 'love' he is offering is hugely erratic and unpredictable and will foster very ambivalent attachment patterns in your dc. One minute they are wanted, the next not. It would be vastly damaging to an adult but for children it can be life lasting.

Of course your dc love their dad. But love isn't always enough. Unless he changes by a very long distance I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be doing overnights, never mind weekends. A man who won't make the effort to collect his dc, care for them and provide for them hasn't earned the right to spend time with them. Sorry.

At some point, if you are convinced he is neglectful at weekends too, you can insist on supervised contact. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. And if he doesn't want contact, it's his call.

Nettle Tea i thought exactly the same thing. Why did the school call you in instead of him OP Sexist much? what with attitudes like this as well as the attitude that girls distract boys by what they wear its about time schools dragged themselves into the 21st century.

If the school try this again remind him he is your ex not your child.

Darkesteyes, I would imagine that both parents were invited. The school have one objective: the wellbeing of the children. To refuse to attend because the father was responsible would hardly be acting in the children's best interests. Rather it could be interpreted as neither parent being too bothered.

I am in agreement with everyone else.

Homework does increase. You are going to spend all your evenings doing it as he won't at the weekend.

It is also bonding time with kids. Chilling out just watching a film, getting to the park.

You need this. I imagine your 5 year old is already missing parties?

Oh im not saying she should have refused to attend Far from it. But the school needs to know she cant micro manage his behaviour. hes not her child.

Get advice from CAB, but I would get a solicitor to write one letter vis a vis contact telling him that contact will be every other weekend from school pick up on Friday until, say, 7 on Sunday, and one weekday evening - that is after school until, say, 7, on whichever day suits you best. It's usual to alternate Christmas and birthdays too, and half the holidays. Contact will not take place in your house. If he is unable to take the children then 24 hrs notice is required. And then the date from which these arrangements will come into effect (as soon as possible).

You need to have them on the weekend too. It is hard to bond really well as a family if you don't get regular down time together, like Saturday afternoons.

Good luck. He sounds like a waste of space, tbh, so don't spend any energy worrying about how he feels about it. It's about the children's right to have a relationship with their dad, not his right to see them (he doesn't have a right to see them, btw).

I am also of the opinion that children need good (well, good enough) parents. Bad parents... not so much.

CSA are a complete and utter waste of time. I feel for you. I had 14 years of bringing my children up on my own with NO financial support whatsoever. Got CSA involved from the beginning and I never had a penny. Then got my MP involve, who just so happens to be David Cameron and still to date, I have never received a penny. My 2 children are now 18 and 20 and have no relationship with their father. Their choice not mine.

Good luck OP, I do hope you can come to some arrangement soon x