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50 shades of idiot: silly tales of the abusive ex (meant lightheartedly but also could be triggering)

(257 Posts)
Cakehanded Thu 20-Mar-14 19:34:01

Namechanged in case any of this outs me but something I had to do today brought back loads of memories of my abusive exH, some that are very deep 'kind-of healed' wounds but some that seem like silly little things but things that I never got to have a go at him for and never told anyone in RL as I didn't want the pitying looks. I'd still like to be able to talk about them somewhere though and get it out into the virtual open, maybe even have a laugh about it if I can so going to do that here.

Anyone else is more than welcome to chip in with tales of the idiot they've left (or even if you haven't if you want to!), I hope nobody finds me starting the thread too triggering/offensive.

1 - When I left, leaving virtually all of mine and baby ds's worldly goods behind but taking what I thought was a restrained 50% of the cash in our current account (which was not a lot at all) to support us he emailed that he thought I was unreasonable as he didn't understand why I'd 'drained' the account as he couldn't see what I'd need it for. 'Dear' ExH, shall I write you a list? Nappies, food, shelter, bills, any of that ringing any bells? Considering you haven't paid any maintenance for 6 years I assume you're still confused and think ds and I live in a field sustained by the smell of flowers.

2 - He said I had 'strange eyes'. No more explanation mind, that was just listed as one of the things I'd done wrong in our relationship, had 'strange eyes'.

3 - Another thing I'd done wrong was that I was 'obsessed with psychology'. Could almost seem a vaguely rational point until I say we met at uni, when I'd just started a degree - anyone like to guess the subject of the degree? grin

Feeling better already!

WaitingForMe Thu 20-Mar-14 19:46:50

The one that stands out years later is his anger that after working all week I spent most of his money (I have a habit of rent, council tax and other bills which I still haven't managed to give up) and made demands on his free time (asking him to contribute to housework). He really resented me.

I'm now happily married and spend all of DH's money on bills and ask him to do housework. Funnily enough DH sees nothing wrong with me.

Betrayedbutsurvived Thu 20-Mar-14 20:00:21

Ooooo, where do I start, after I left he opened my credit card bills, addressed to me, in my sole name, paid for out of my wages cos he wanted to see what I was spending " his" money on. Refused to speak to me for a month cos I was " taking the piss" when I asked him to wash up, I had both arms in plaster casts from fingertips to elbow at the time. We had a minor row in the car one day, and I said something to the effect of some people like to enjoy themselves when they go out, unlike you. He proceeded to refer to me as halfwit to everyone we spoke to ( my work colleagues) all evening, as in "halfwit here said you are going to Spain on holiday" etc. He insisted I was spoiled because he drove me to and from work, he worked in the same building. I could go on but it's not good for my blood pressure.

Kernowgal Thu 20-Mar-14 20:05:18

If I start I won't stop. Suffice to say I am well rid and some other poor woman now has to suffer his malicious "honesty".

But I'll give you his number one best bit of honesty: "You'd be quite pretty if you didn't have a double chin."

rainbowqueen Thu 20-Mar-14 20:14:31

Oh I have so many.

He'd finger me then smell his fingers and say 'ew'

We went to a wedding together and when he noticed I was wearing nude tights and not black ones he refused to speak to me till we got home - 2 days later

We were walking through Newark airport once. He was eating a sandwich, walking along. He vomited on the floor and without inturrupting his stride carried on eating his sandwich.

I'll stop now this isn't healthy. Also I can't type for laughing.

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 20:45:09

waitingforme that rings so true..I have a bad habit for paying bills too, stbxh hated me spending 'his' money on them, and yes, actually expecting him to spend a bit of time with me too.
He's told mutual friends I was 'shockingly unreasonable and financially abusive'..for paying bills and thinking he might like to come to bed with his wife once in a while confused. Needless to say they've started realising he's a complete douche and it was him who was very abusive. Hoist by his own petard because his true colours are showing with friends now I've moved out he has so much free time.

MargotThreadbetter Thu 20-Mar-14 20:53:18

Oh I got 'you've got feet like a bloke, and tree trunk legs'. If I said his nasty cements upset me, he was 'only joking' and I didn't have a sense of humour apparently hmm
There was much, much more but he's OW's problem now.
How I resisted taking the piss out of his tiny cock is beyond me!

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 20:58:56

margot grin

Hissy Thu 20-Mar-14 21:06:52

My hairline was 'too high'. My voice too loud, he'd mime turning it down, anytime I spoke.

One of the best bollockings I got was for putting the milk carton back in the fridge door wrong.

Best ever was him asking me to come down to the kitchen to talk to him at 2.30am. Eventually, after much insistance that it was important, I agreed.

Him: "I asked you down here to ask you to *stop calling me a twat"

Me: you woke me up, asked me to come downstairs because you wanted to ask me to STOP calling you a twat.


Me again: right-o

Got back upstairs and went back to bed. Wondering what on earth one would call him then.

It was funny even then smile

Laska42 Thu 20-Mar-14 21:08:40

oh its so awful ... my ex abusive not DH left me for someone else over 20 years ago and good riddence , but its still changed me a

we once went for a weekend to some friends of his i had never met and at dinner we were served olive oil , a dry seedy herby mix and foccia bread to dip in it as a sort of starter.( this was the 90s when things lik ethat were unheard of) when i said how lovely that was (having never had it before ) he said in front of everyone that it was ok fo reveryone else but i shouldnt eat it because I was far to fat to eat that kind of thing (i was just over 9st!)

He once told me that i was no good at sex and he only did it because he was sorry for me or for anything else except perhaps pmaking lemon meringue pie ( ive never made it or eaten it from then) that was over 20 years ago..

He used to abuse me verbally in public places (usually when we were out for meals in pubs and restuarants and i couldnt get away ) make me cry then tell me i was embarrasing him and making him look stupid ..

and lots more... far too much to mention..

I dont think ive ever got my self confidence back despite the fact im now married to someone who says he loves me ..

something2say Thu 20-Mar-14 21:21:12

Hissy that's hilarious!!

Laska42 Thu 20-Mar-14 21:21:31

oh yes I did a degree a couple of years after he left and he went round telling people that i had only got my 2.1 because 'he had tutored me' and I would have never even got in without him (he dropped out of uni long before I met him halfway through is first year.).....

Amethyst24 Thu 20-Mar-14 21:34:41

One of the things I remember best about my evil, gaslighting, horrible ex was the time I asked him to buy some loo paper when he went to Sainsbury's (it was a small Sainsbury's Local in the station near where we lived). He came back with loads of other stuff but no loo paper.

Conversation went like this:

Me: Oh, you forgot the loo paper.
Him: No, they don't sell it there.
Me: Oh, come on, I buy it there all the time.
Him: Yes, but they've stopped selling it now. I asked, they say it takes up too much shelf space.

WTAF? WHY, WHY lie about something so fucking stupid?

Cakehanded Thu 20-Mar-14 21:49:34

There must be some sort of school out there to teach ridiculous twattery - where do they all get it from???

I got sent home from work with a proper genuine 'will have to get OOH out' fever which turned out to be flu and exH said I was faking it to cover up the affair I was having with someone at work (have never had an affair yet, work or not) and continued to interrogate me about said affair until OOH doc arrived 2 hours later.

Another time he swore blind for months he hadn't broken into someone's house, it was all a big mistake apparently, even opted for Crown court jury trial as he was so innocent. I couldn't watch trial as I had to give evidence about timings (didn't actually see incident tho) but was somewhat surprised to hear after, when he was sentenced, that there'd been CCTV of the whole thing. And he'd known this. What a cock!

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 21:58:48

There are just too many. Some were vile but others were just laughable twattery. Like the time he told me if you look at a photo on FB on your phone, it automatically saves it. This was early in our relationship when he was still nice and likeable and open with said phone, but I had a hmm moment as to why he had a pic of a female friend in her underwear in his phone. He hung out with quite a bit too so she wasn't just a random. And his excuse was the statement above. We both had the same phone. I clicked on a random photo. Shockingly it didn't automatically save to my phone! Idiot.

BitchPeas Thu 20-Mar-14 21:59:06

Apparently, Alllllllllllll his ex girlfriends walked and talked incredibly slowly, to make sure they didn't do or say anything silly to embarrass him. Ya know, like real women do.

I on the other hand, walked to fast and talked to fast, so this, this made me an embarrassing twat.

Ho hum. grin

Frith1975 Thu 20-Mar-14 22:05:29

Ooo, I've a list as long as my arm. I've had 4 boyfriends and 1 husband. Husband dreadful and most recent ex (number 4) pretty close to that....

I overheard number 4 talking to my son. Son said "Please will you read us a bedtime story?" 4 said "No, sorry, not tonight". He then came upstairs and said, "I asked M if I could read him a story but he said no, he wants you to do it".

Ex husband lied about being involved in fraud. Said I had made it up. Then his new girlfriend had been the fraudster. Lied probably 10 times in solicitor's letters to me and actually in the court room. Found guilty of 20 counts.

I was wrong for not being blonde. Went on for 6 years about how I should bleach my hair. (How lovely would that look, with my black eyebrows, dark brown eyes and olive skin?!)

There are so many more over so many years I don't know where to start.

KouignAmann Thu 20-Mar-14 22:10:18

I am so old that I used to go running with a Sony Walkman cassette player that made tiny tinny noises through the headphones. XH was revising for a big exam and asked me not to play music. So I thought I could use the Walkman. Despite the fact he had a friend round for a revision session and was chatting and laughing I was not allowed to switch it on because of the tiny tinny noises. And I went along with it in case it stopped him passing the exam...

<<bangs head on table>> how did I not see the red flags?

GreenMouse Thu 20-Mar-14 22:35:44

My ex used to have a go at me for always walking slightly ahead of him when we walked side by side. Obviously I didn't... This was one of the earliest red flags that I ignored.

Said he was surprised that I was a good mother.

Said my newborn dd was manipulating me and would stop me from going to her when she was crying.

I could go on...

Hissy Thu 20-Mar-14 22:43:36

Crying laughing at the 'walking too fast' and the 'shop not stocking loo roll'

I posted my twat story on FB and twitter at the time. My phone lit up like a fecking christmas tree!

Oh, there was the time I fell asleep while tweeting. I was accused of having an affair with a spoof Spooks account.


Grumpasaurus Thu 20-Mar-14 22:44:58

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. There are so many.

Twat comment #1: "maybe if you had been more understanding about the Thai prostitute (actually I think he said prozzie), I would have told you about the genital warts"

Twat comment #2: "you just don't get it do you? It's not sexy for me if you make it obvious that you want it"

Twat comment #3 (while I was texting for help whilst stuck in a hospital in Tunisia bleeding heavily from my fanjo): "I am not your husband, sort it out yourself"

There have been some lighter ones too... Like that I was blond not brunette, that I should wear more boring underwear, that he preferred women with a smaller bust, that I should learn he had no obligation to speak or communicate with me if he didn't want to, and the list goes on.


He is still a miserable old cunt. I am healed and happy. Ho hum!

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 22:51:36

Isn't it also great that we're so awesome without them?
Him: You'll never leave, you don't have the balls.
Evidently I have great, huge, hairy pendulus balls because I did just that. Douche.

Snugglesrock Thu 20-Mar-14 22:56:24

That he'd spent hundreds on Viagra to make himself feel better

Couldn't get it up with the ow love? Oh dear me but please don't take your daughters money to do it!!!!


Sk002 Thu 20-Mar-14 23:06:57

My sister was 3 months pregnant and away from home for work. She thought she had started to miscarry and rang me for help/advice. After a long conversation with her, I hung up the phone only to get a long rant from him about ignoring him and being stuck on the phone all night. He sulked for days after. My sister lost her baby. He said I was overreacting to his rant when I challenged him.....

Feckthis Thu 20-Mar-14 23:13:57

Love this thread. It's grim Oop here so hearing you laughing about twattery is just what I need. thanksthanksthanks

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