Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH is such a horrible nasty drunk(695 Posts)
DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.
Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.
I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.
Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.
It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.
Sending very best wishes to you, Ahoy, for your future. Take care x
Good luck Ahoy. Whatever happens with your DH you have the exciting and amazing journey of meeting and getting to know your child ahead of you. When you meet that new person think of all the life and possibilities ahead of them - they are ahead of you too, you just have to have the courage to go out and claim what's yours.
Support is always here for you whenever you need it.
<bumping thread. Four months on>
I know it's bad etiquette to bump a thread 4 months later but it's our wedding anniversary tomorrow (well, today). He went out for drinks with the lads at 3pm yesterday saying he would be home 10pm latest and he's not home and his phone is dead. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and nothing has changed. I'm still his lowest priority and I should have listened back in Feb when you all knew he wouldn't change and tried to tell me, and now I'm here all over again. Even if he comes home now he'll be so smashed our plans for today are ruined, and he can't drive anywhere. I tried pleading with him when I spoke to him at 11pm to come home because our anniversary meant something to me.
I don't even know why I'm posting - I don't want sympathy, I had that back in feb and look what good it did. I'm not even sure I want advice, because to be honest, I know I need to leave him and that he'll never change, but at 36 weeks pregnant, am I really going to leave him? Probably not tbh. Not now anyway.
It's just the fucking inevitableness of this that's gutting me. How every other person but me saw this coming.
So - it's a sucky update, but it's an update anyway.
<holds hand> I'm going to bed now, but please don't lose heart. We all at MN know that leaving an be incredibly difficult. Get a good nights' sleep and then think really hard about what you want to do
I am so sorry Ahoy.
Please be kind to yourself.
In my very humble opinion if you have RL
Support and if there is any chance of it, please try to leave or get him to leave before your precious baby arrives. You will NOT want to be dealing with his sh*t with a newborn .
I appreciate that may not be possible though.
Just read this whole thing from the start. Don't be hard on yourself, OP, it takes a while for such a serious decision to be made, but it looks like the time has come.
The most important thing is to protect your baby. I'm a single mother, on retrospect because of alcohol too, but mainly because the Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse, and my daughter also has had to split up from the father of her baby because of his drug abuse. Sounds dreadful but I was able to give her a good childhood and my grandchild is wonderfully happy little thing and, most of all, safe.
Nobody is going to judge you for not having LTB in February, we have all been there and bought the T-shirt.
Not judging you Ahoy. Took me years to leave my abusive alcoholic. If possible, leave now, today. This shit becomes desperate when the child(ren) arrives. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. Can you go stay with familyor friends? Try to imagine having to protect your baby from him, how would that be do you think? Wish you strength to put yourself and baby first, you deserve that.
Ahoy, you poor poor thing. Please don't beat yourself up about not listening back in February - you can only do this when you are ready to do it.
Do you know what you want to do now?
Not judging you either. It's takes a while to realise the truth when we try to see the best in someone. Posters on here have lived through such relationships and many have got out of horrid relationships and post on here to help others. In February you recognised an issue and posted for advice no doubt for the past 4 months you have been thinking about and analysing your situation. That isn't doing nothing, it's ensuring you are making the right decision.
Do you have somewhere to go if you need to? Expect tears and begging and promises, then anger and shouting, then threats. You need to be somewhere where family or friends can help you with his behaviour whilst you have the baby. You need an escape plan, then it's up to you whether you use it. If you do leave and
If you don't want him at the birth choose another birthing partner and don't feel guilty, pressurised or bad about him not being there.
I had a baby last year, my husband refused to drink past 32 weeks pregnant just in case he needed to drive me somewhere. My arse of an ex didn't know when to stop drinking, he would drink til he passed out.
You may find you leave when baby is born. You husband will drink 30 pints and insist he is sober enough to drive the next afternoon with your precious baby in his car. You will argue about it, he will say he is sober, a great driver, never had a crash etc etc. He may well get his own way and you will feel terrible.
When you leave put his drinking on record with hv or gp. When he turns up for baby after a bender you need a plan.
Oh Ahoy. You sound so sad in your update, and no surprise. Please don't resign yourself to this fate, you are stronger than you think. The future is not already written and you can leave. He will not change so I'm afraid it's you that has to do the changing. We are here to support you.
So sorry things haven't improved.
To be honest, once I knew I would leave one day, it got a bit easier. Think of this as the beginning of the end. Even if you don't leave before the baby you can take your time in planning it and just knowing you won't be part of this forever helps.
Is there any way you can get yourself up and out to someone's house today? Mum? Sister? Be looked after and get a bit of tlc? Let somebody make you lunch etc. maybe talk it through with them. You must be tired from a disturbed nights sleep, so try to rest. The stress won't be doing you any good.
Ahoy, not judging you either. I so wanted my mother to want to get better for my sister and I. I wrecked my mental health, stressed myself out, felt worthless for at least a decade. It didn't matter how much I REALLY REALLY wanted things to change, she just didn't.
I just couldn't do it anymore. I just had enough. It's heart-breaking as a child to know your mother chose booze over being sober and being a family.
I also didn't tell anyone, they didn't know most of the suffering I went through and it wasn't until I got over that fear and told friends and relatives I got the support I needed.
I really don't have much time for alcoholics, I've had my fair share of dealing with an alcoholics behaviour, my first thoughts now when I encounter one is, 'their poor partner, children, family.'. Because what you are going through is pure he'll and despair.
Did you ever tell your sister? Maybe now would be a good time before baby is here.
This is not your fault, you are not a failure. You just care too much and want a lovely family life with your hubby and baby. I totally get that.
You are 36 weeks pg, next week you will be classed full term and baby could arrive. You will need your DH to be there for you both and if you fear he may want to go out drinking and dealing with horrendous hangovers whilst you recover from birth and deal with a hangover, then please find some other RL support.
The only prize you win for trying to pretend everything is fine, for your friends and family is a whole lot of bottled up hurt and suffering and a growing sense of failure and low self-worth.
Still no sign of him (suprise suprise).
Stupidly, since February, I think I just lowered my standards of what was acceptable in a relationship. This is the fourth consecutive weekend in a row he's had a 12+ Hour (£100-£200) drinking session. And since he's stayed in touch, or answered his phone when I rang, I thought in my head that was ok. That I can deal with the drinking sessions as long as he stays in touch.
But even I can see how ridiculous that is, and that it isn't sustainable. How far can I keep adjusting what is acceptable in order to make this relationship work "oh, it's ok if he isn't in contact, as long as he turns up for work Monday morning".
It's the wedding anniversary thing that has made this clear. I wanted to be his priority ONCE. I haven't asked for it any other time, and this has really highlighted to me that I won't ever be his priority as long as he's drinking.
It would kill me to not have him at the birth - he's attended every NCT class with me, he's learned so much and he's been interested and involved and pretty much everything I could ask for. The 'sober him' is a wonderful man who I will miss so much.
There is no 'sober him'. What you see is the façade, an act that he thinks is a proper husband (and soon to be father) that he can't sustain without alcohol. The fact that he is going out more often shows that he is increasingly incapable of maintaining the act as the birth gets closer.
My heart goes out to you - my ex was the same and I stayed for another 8 years. Please find some strength to leave. You have nothing but heartache ahead. At least right now it is you, not your child.
And you probably need to face the idea of at least the chance of giving birth alone - if you had gone into labour last night you would have had to do just that.
And of course, when you aren't working, him spending £1000 in a month will literally be the food for you and your child. My parents used to buy food for me and my DD.
Hugs and no judging here either.
It's a killer when there's such a difference between their sober and their drunk selves.
Have you kept going to Al-Anon?
I think you have to stop thinking of him as two people, the drink and the sober. This is him. You can't separate the two because you have to live with both of them...you can't have one without the other unfortunately.
The next two weekends have "big" things coming up that would involve a lot of drink (a christening and a 30th). And he hasn't even suggested that he wouldn't drink for them. Just sort of vaguely said we could get a cab to the hospital easily enough if we needed it, and I said "but if you are that horrible annoying drunk I couldn't possibly have you in with me. I'd have to bring DSis/SIL instead" and he just said "yeah". He'd miss the birth of his first born rather than miss a big drinking event in his calendar.
No, I didn't keep up with al-anon <hollow stupid laugh>
The day of the week it fell on was a day I always visited my grandma. And then I signed up for NCT classes and pregnancy yoga and if I'd have had al-anon too, there was no spare day in the week to rearrange visiting my grandma and I'd have had to miss it. I know I should have kept going, I could have made it all work somehow.
It's almost like I posted all that in Feb, got great advice, took it in, and then buried my head in the sand for four months and pretended it was all ok again.
I previously wrote this as part of my initial reply to you:-
"This will not get better for you whatsoever and you cannot deal with this. An alcoholic is never decent father material and I feel for your as yet unborn child. He has not been a decent man to you for goodness sake!. You have been in denial re his drink problem and it has cost you already dear. It will also cost your child dearly as well. Honestly you'd be better off raising this child as a single parent".
His primary relationship is with drink and alcohol is a cruel mistress. You, your as yet unborn child and your wedding anniversary are NOT priorities to him, alcohol is.
I would also now find another birth partner; he simply cannot be relied on at all now and will likely leave you asap after the birth anyway to go and wet the baby's head. He will employ any excuse to drink and will certainly use that as an excuse to leave you both.
This is life with an alcoholic; it is never anything really other than dysfunctional and chaotic. I doubt very much that he has been actually completely sober throughout your marriage; there is no sober him at all.
You and your child when born deserve a better life for yourselves. You simply cannot stay within this situation any longer. Use the help of Womens Aid to get you free.
Well, he's a complete cock.
What do you want to do?
Alcoholics are very good at playing being perfect and wonderful. They need to in order to justify to themselves that they don't have a problem.
Of course he is doing whatever the hell he likes now...you are 36 weeks and fairly dependent on him at this point. He knows this, and knows so close to the end you'll weigh things up in favour of turning a blind eye.
You need to stop this false dichotomy of sober him/drunk him. It's all him
Honestly, the world has enough women in shitty relationships telling themselves, "but when it's good...". It's just such a cliche, amd a thinking error that excuses all kinds of abuse.
OP I remember this thread and you. I'm sorry things have not improved. I'm not surprised, but I am sorry. You really don't deserve to be treated this way. You and your baby are worth more than this breathtakingly selfish alcoholic.
The amount of money he is squandering is phenomenal!
My dad drank everything too. We went without while he propped up the bar.
It's a dreadful state of affairs for you...bless your soul.
"It's almost like I posted all that in Feb, got great advice, took it in, and then buried my head in the sand for four months and pretended it was all ok again".
I think you did that but you cannot and must not make that error again. You know the truth now, burying your head in the sand did you no favours last time and doing so again will just bring more problems upon your head.
Your child needs to grow up in a home without alcoholism being ever present.
Join the discussion
Please login first.