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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My dad is having an affair

153 replies

Beepwizz · 18/12/2013 19:45

My parents have been happily married for 36 years. This week I have discovered my dad is 'working away' every other week (he's retired but writing a book). I snooped on his computer and he is meeting a women for sex it seems ( it didn't take more than 2 minutes of history browsing to discover this).

Oh help what do I do? My brother has asked him in an email if he is having an affair... He avoided the question in his reply. Should I wade in with a passive aggressive text ( he is currently 'working away'). I am making myself ill with the stress of the knowledge I have. What's worse ... A bit explosion or turning a blind eye.

OP posts:

Report

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 19:54

He's your father, you have every right to confront him if you want to.

I don't think texts are the way to go though, you can't have a proper conversation.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 20:00

I would talk to him and tell him that he stops the affair or I'd tell my mother.
I would.
As well as losing all respect for him.

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2013 20:01

None of your business.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 18/12/2013 20:03

I'm with Lewiji

How on earth is it not her business, it's her Dad and that's her mother getting hurt.

AuntieStella · 18/12/2013 20:06

Do you still live at home?

Your view on your parents' marriage may be neither compete nor accurate.

It's a huge can of worms if you intervene. Have you the stomach for all the obvious possibilities?

FetaCheeny · 18/12/2013 20:07

Confront your dad, tell him if he doesn't stop/tell, then you will. You can't turn a blind eye, it would ruin your relationship with your mum having to keep such a horrible secret.

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/12/2013 20:08

Just to play devils advocate here, how sure are you that your mum doesn't know, she might be ok with it as long as he is discrete.

36 yrs is a long time for some reason I think she might know op .

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2013 20:08

You've no idea what her mother does or does not know and you've no business to be snooping on his personal email account.

Think it through, what good can possibly come from telling your mum?

I'm sure you think you're doing the right thing for the right reasons but really your parents' sex life is none of your business.

mammadiggingdeep · 18/12/2013 20:10

Very tricky.

I think if your mum doesn't know, and she finds out that you know it will be a double blow. It really will. She will feel devastated that she was the last to know.

:( you're stick behind a rock and a hard place :(

TippiShagpile · 18/12/2013 20:10

Don't get involved. My dad has been having affairs for most my parents' marriage. I've thought about saying something to my mum on many occasions but I suspect she knows and, more importantly, he'd deny and make me look like a complete bitch.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 20:14

If it is the case that it's consensual, then I'm sure your dad would tell you so.

It would be hell for me to visit my parents knowing my father was a cheat.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 18/12/2013 20:16

I'm with the 'don't get involved camp'. Have a chat with your Dad if you want. Mum probably knows, do you really think that you live with someone for 36 years and don't have a clue.

It may be that your mum no longer wants to have sex with your Dad and that he has tacit permission, to do whatever but be discreet about it.

Your parents' view of marriage and extra marital relationships may be different from the LTB MN view of the 21st century.

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2013 20:17

If it is the case that it's consensual, then I'm sure your dad would tell you so.

Really failing to grasp why the dad has any obligation to reveal the intricacies of his sex life to his daughter. That statement really is laughable.

Yes I'm sure the situation is very upsetting but that's life, shit happens.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 20:17

Lots of people post here after finding out their OH's have had affairs and them not suspecting a thing. You cannot assume she knows or even is complicit on it.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 18/12/2013 20:20

OP's parents are free to conduct their marriage however they see fit without explaining anything.

Tread carefully OP, your mum may be mortified that you know, more than anything else.

TippiShagpile · 18/12/2013 20:21

If your dad has been lying his way through a 36 year marriage then he's perfectly capable of turning it all on you if you say something, trust me.

I lost all respect for my dad when the penny finally dropped. I'm sure my mum knows but keeps quiet about it. I am not going to be the one to open that can of worms.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 20:22

He has no obligation, but it would be natural faced with the possibility of the OP telling her mum.

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2013 20:23

He's her dad not her partner...

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2013 20:24

... and I don't see anything natural about discussing my sex life with my offspring.

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/12/2013 20:36

It could go either way really.

You could tell your mum and find out she knew all along, but is now really embarrassed you know.

You could not tell her, she finds out and is devastated that you didn't tell her.

You know your mother better than any of us, which is more likely? Is she a turn a blind eye type or a LTB type?

Lazyjaney · 18/12/2013 20:39

Keep out of it, especially considering how you found out. Can of worms.

CarryOnDancing · 18/12/2013 20:39

I can't imagine for a second knowing this information and not telling my Mum. There's nothing to suggest she knows at all. It's a funny notion that because they've been married for so long it's more excusable and they might have some kind of "agreement" about it.
Surely being married for that length of time makes it even worse?! I'd rather my DH die miserable than have it away with someone else because I don't fancy sex after 36years I'm pretty sure there's no loophole in our vows allowing that or diluting them over time!

I'm sorry you have discovered this OP. My opinion is that parents have a lifelong obligation to respect each other and to teach their children that. So yes, your mother might know but if she did, I'm pretty sure she'd be horrified and demand it end if she knew you were aware-as she should.

I'd maybe ask her what she thinks about him "working away" and take it from there.
Whichever way I went about it though, the affair would have to be in the open. It wouldn't be you causing the upset-it would be your father.
If your mother already knows then you can help her through the situation that allowed her to wave off her OH when he set off to see his lover! Either way it will all come out in the open somehow and she will need you. She doesn't need to feel you sided with your father and didn't tell her.

Good luck!

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JeanSeberg · 18/12/2013 20:40

There's plenty worse possible outcomes than that to consider.

mammadiggingdeep · 18/12/2013 20:40

Jean... 'Shit happens'...is that really your summary of a spouse of 36 years cheating within marriage.

Op- do you think your mum might know? What has she said about him working away every other week?

mammadiggingdeep · 18/12/2013 20:40

Jean... 'Shit happens'...is that really your summary of a spouse of 36 years cheating within marriage.

Op- do you think your mum might know? What has she said about him working away every other week?

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