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Would you throw away a 10+ year friendship if your friend called your child the R-word?

(282 Posts)
EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Sat 16-Nov-13 09:25:27

Might cause offence, sorry.

Last night, I uploaded a daft video of my 5yo singing the Fox Song. She absolutely loves the song, and i wanted to share it with my friends and family.

She has HFA and speech/language difficulties. So many of the words weren't clear, she was looking at the side instead of at me/the camera, sounded very monotone (except for the ringdingdingdingdingdering partgrin), was flapping her hands throughout etc.

Anyway, i'm under no false illusions that it was fantastic. It was just a 5yo girl having a sing song.

One of my friends was out at the pub at the time i posted it. She has no kids, nor do the others in my circle of friends, so i doubt this will 'out me'. She commented on it with this (i've fixed the spelling, because it was all text speak which would take me forever to type out):

"Fucking hell. What is this all about? She sounds even more retarded than usual lol (i hate that 'word' almost as much as the R one!). Get this taken down before Facebook remove it for child abuse reasons haha. Check her wee hands out. She's looks like she's going to fly back to Mars any second. Only kidding. But seriously has she been down the pub tonight? She sounds pished! haha!"

I didn't notice the comment for several hours. So it was up there most of the evening. I feel mortified. Lots of other people commented saying she had gone too far etc, but she never replied again. I removed it as soon as i saw it.

Anyway, she phoned me this morning to apologise. She said she was very drunk and it was supposed to be a joke. She said that i should know how much she loves my dd and that i'm seriously over reacting. And DD will be heartbroken if i stop them seeing each other etc.

Basically, i felt like the whole time she was apologising out of duty (not out of guilt) and was making out how much i was over reacting.

We've been good friends since school. We don't get to socialise much nowadays, however, due to me being the only one in the group with a child. But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I almost feel betrayed. I despise that word. And her whole comment was just vile.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? She's keeps texting me stupid things like 'Hellllooooo, are you receiving me?' She's fairly immature tbh most of the time, but i think she's still drunk as well.

waikikamookau Sat 16-Nov-13 09:27:36

regardless of the word retard, that is horrible.

tethersend Sat 16-Nov-13 09:27:37

You're not the one throwing the friendship away.

She is.

MrsHerculePoirot Sat 16-Nov-13 09:27:38

I would probably end the friendship tbh, that is appalling however drunk you are and completely out of order.

FatAssPantaloons Sat 16-Nov-13 09:28:30

Tell her you need time to calm down before you decide whether to forgive her.

tethersend Sat 16-Nov-13 09:29:40

Just receive everything she says with silence or a detached 'mmhhmm' and then don't contact her or respond to her messages.

Either that or explain to her that you cannot have such a monumental cunt as a friend.

MirandaWest Sat 16-Nov-13 09:30:00

That is horrible. I would ignore her for a while at least - can you block her number from your phone?

Annakin31 Sat 16-Nov-13 09:31:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mcmoonfucker Sat 16-Nov-13 09:32:03

That is incredibly vile.
I guess for me it would just show we actually have wipe gaping differences in our values and maybe a true friendship would be difficult from here.
I wouldn't necessarily fall out, but I'd find it hard to spend time with someone who spoke about children like that

Visitingtethersend Sat 16-Nov-13 09:32:11

I don't know how you have fought the urge to not clonk her one. I do swear a fair bit but not round the kids but have never ever wanted to call mine or anyone's kids, let alone somthing that downright nasty. Being drunk is just an excuse.

So sorry OP. I think your friend has shown her true colours in that post. Drunk or not, there really is no excuse.


ColinButterfly Sat 16-Nov-13 09:32:26

That is awful. I would not want to be friends with this person.

DD will be heartbroken?! Not as heartbroken has she would be to be described in such a manner by someone who is supposed to care about her.

The 'than usual' bit rankles me too. Giving the benefit of the doubt, the R word could be a lapse in judgement but the 'than usual' bit suggests she is making judgements about your daughter all the time.

Mum2Fergus Sat 16-Nov-13 09:33:07

What a horrible've no need for anyone so vile (drunk or not) in your life OP...move on.

ImABadGirl Sat 16-Nov-13 09:33:20

what a cowbag, drunk or not, some things you don't write/say and that's one of them, I'd ditch the friendship OP

PrimalLass Sat 16-Nov-13 09:34:16

I would only reply with two words and the second one would be off. But I am a bridge burning kinda gal.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 16-Nov-13 09:34:34

Her whole post is unforgiveable, with or without using 'that word'. She would be defriended on fucking trouble making facebook and I would reply once to her text messages 'Grow up, fuck off & don't contact me again, ever'.

I am sorry you had to read that bile.

Mumraathenoisylion Sat 16-Nov-13 09:34:38

I would tell her to go fuck herself.

Hope you're ok though, some nasty people around. thanks

RandomMess Sat 16-Nov-13 09:34:44

I'd consider texting back

"Perhaps you were so drunk you just said what you really think, I am incredibly hurt that anyone could write such a vile thing about my dd, I'm not sure I'll ever get over it tbh"

Then turn your phone off/block her number.

Any chance that she could be genuinely sorry and is just too embarrassed to confess totally to what a bitch she's been?

Helpyourself Sat 16-Nov-13 09:35:45

It's not just the one word. That was a really horrible sustained attack on your DD.
I'd detach massively- hide on fb and let her do the running. She needs to really earn your friendship back.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Nov-13 09:36:00

You are not throwing this away, she has done this by her own actions. "In vino veritas" and all that.

What does this woman have in common with you anyway; you seem to be two very different people now. School was probably the only thing that brought you together in the first place. You grew up, she has clearly not.

Drunk or not there is no justification to write such a thing and she is likely still hungover now.

Never ignore your own feelings, you feel she is apologising out of duty.
Your DD needs to be around people who also value her as a person and this woman clearly does not fit the bill. At 5 years of age as well your child is mature enough to properly realise that some friends are actually not friends at all and your child needs both decent and kind role models to emulate. This woman is neither and she is no friend really of yours. Also do you really need her in your life?. What does she bring to your existence?. She is no friend of yours if she can write such awfulness about your child. Honestly I would have no qualms at all in cutting her loose.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 16-Nov-13 09:36:32

Really out if order sad I'd keep my distance and let my feelings settle before u decided what I wanted to do. I think naturally your friendship will fizzle after this anyway. It will prob affect the way you think if her too much

saintlyjimjams Sat 16-Nov-13 09:37:00

I have a severely autistic son & to me that would be unforgivable. I think I'd just tell her I was very upset, that if she ever has children - especially one with disabilities - she will understand how out of order she was & then I would just avoid her. I'd hide her feed in Facebook (recognising that I might calm down sometime in the future), then avoid her. If she values your friendship then she will apologise big time. If she doesn't? Well your dd has just filtered out someone not worth having as a friend.

HyvaPaiva Sat 16-Nov-13 09:37:02

I would have to end that friendship. It is a truly disgusting way to think about a child and makes me very angry. And the 'drunk' excuse is false: she said it because she really thinks it. To me at least, it's unforgivable. I grew up with physical disabilities and my mum's friends were like a ring of steel around me: just support and encouragement and love. This person is the opposite of a friend to you and your DD.

You sound like a lovely, proud mum and your DD sounds so sweet and fun!

Pawprint Sat 16-Nov-13 09:38:22

I ended a friendship with a woman who described a SN child as a "mong".

I would end this friendship tbh.

KnockMeDown Sat 16-Nov-13 09:39:45

That is awful - being drunk is absolutely no excuse. In my experience and opinion, being drunk often brings out to the open what people think inside, but would not say sober. It removes inhibitions, it doesn't entirely change your thinking.

So time to move on, I would say. Maybe one day she will have kids of her own, and realise how out of line she was.

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