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Not sure I can take this anymore

(260 Posts)
Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 09:39:29

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 09:57:58

The thing to work out (which I can't from what you've written) is whether he can't or won't change aspects of himself to make the relationship work. It's his motivation and attitude that is important if you're wondering whether this is worth tolerating or not. For example, yes impotence is pretty depressing for a man but that is no excuse to get drunk & lash out the way you describe. If he's in the habit of saying vile things when drunk then he shouldn't drink if he wants a happy relationship with you. The fact that you don't seem to know where the money he earns goes suggests that you don't have full access to his income/outgoings but that you are kept (deliberately or accidentally) in the dark. That's never a good sign

What bothers me most is that your confidence is low and you feel ground down. That won't be just because of the sexual rejection, even though that is a pretty tough thing to take. Those feelings are usually because there is some bullying behaviour going on at the same time.

I think you're worried that 'no sex' is too shallow a reason to leave someone. It's not as it happens, but I think there's more going wrong here than just sex.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Oct-13 10:06:12

Six days a week working and yet no money, where does it go? Is that linked to his impotency? Do you know for sure he went to his GP, if so how recently?

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 10:25:55

Well re money, my point exactly, he is self employed and and is snowed under with work, I went to his workshop the other day and it was full and I mean full to the gunnels of lovely stuff he has bought to sell, Trouble is he would not be able to do this if I did not pay virtually everything for our family. I reckon he has about 30K worth of stock but the point is this is a sideline to his business. Re Sex, yes believe he went to GP and had full check over and found nothing physical and GP suggested Sex therapy to him which of course "he does not need as nothing wrong with him" Yes my confidence is on the floor, I used to think I was an attractive woman, I feel old and invisible now. He claims he "knows" he is not impotent, so what the fuck does that mean.

peggyundercrackers Fri 25-Oct-13 10:28:49

sounds like he is lashing out because he is angry about the situation. hes trying to push his problem onto you so he doesnt deal with it. Not really what he should be doing...

as for the money thing - i dont think its that unusual for people not to have lots of spare money no matter how much they work. you havent given any details of income/outgoings so its hard to say if he is doing anything else with it. does he gamble? is in debt? is it causing him stress which is affecting him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 10:30:14

The whole thing sounds rather selfish and inconsiderate and I think his attitude to the sexual problem is merely symptomatic of a wider attitude of taking you for granted, taking your money for granted and doing his own sweet thing. I'm appalled that you are paying for everything while he indulges what sounds more like an expensive hobby than a business.

Dahlen Fri 25-Oct-13 10:34:07

Personally I think your problems go way beyond impotence. He calls you a hard-nosed bitch, claims his impotence is yourfault, contributes no money to the running of the home and has, on enough occasions to constitute a pattern, said vile things to you while drunk to the point where your confidence is now at an all time low.

He may not be hitting you Blossom but he's an abuser. sad

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 10:37:49

cog as always exactement. He is absolutlyl hopeless with money. As soon as gets cash I swear it burns a whole in his pocket, He is very generous though, for example he bought me an expensive pair of boots and a lovely piece of pottery I would like to collect. Also DS got an electric guitar this week ( second hand but still) which is all lovely but then when I mention it would nice if he contributed he will throws it in my face and say well look what I have bought you, err not the point really.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Oct-13 10:37:51

Well if it's not drugs or excess drink that's affecting his performance that's a relief. It hardly helps though if he's in denial. Is he on medication?

If you are already paying bills it wouldn't be a huge financial leap to live apart ftom him. He is almost enabled to spend what he wants where he likes if you are keeping the family afloat. Are you sure there aren't hidden debts? A hard nosed bitch isn't sweet talk from an appreciative partner.

I get the sense that he pretty well does as he pleases and you're expected to lump it. Small thanks after 20 years sad

Tell us something nice he's done for you recently.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Oct-13 10:39:51

I x posted but didn't mean in a spending money on gifts sense so apart from boots, pottery...?

Dahlen Fri 25-Oct-13 10:40:57

Presenting people with expensive, unsolicited gifts in lieu of making an ongoing reasonable contribution to daily living costs is actually manipulation of the highest order, not generosity - precisely because it allows him to cast you in the role of ungrateful person needing to sop his hurt feelings while his expensive gifts still total way less than what he should be contributing towards upkeep.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 10:44:14

Guitars and boots not quite the same as tipping up for a mortgage or a gas bill regularly. hmm I would seriously want to go through his books, see what drawings he's taking for his own use and getting him to commit to a regular contribution. I say that for a few reasons.. one is that it's the right thing to do when you're part of a household to contribute.. another is that I think it would be a confidence-boost to you to crack the whip.... the other is that, if you were thinking of parting ways, you'd have a much better idea about his circumstances when it came to divvying up the assets.

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 11:22:19

The only assets he has are in his workshop. Mortgage in my name. We came to an agreement earlier in the year that he would pay X per week which were both happy with and he did keep it up for a while but since the summer he has stopped paying. I am not keeping a log and her owes me thousands. ( car purchase, insurance etc) It clear now where most of his money is going, after visit to workshop.
donkey yes on meds AD's but I actually thinks he may be bi polar, sometimes he gets a strange look on his face and suddenly turns nasty . Could explain the manic spends recently

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 11:23:08

I mean I am keeping a log duh!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 11:35:09

Strange looks and nasty behaviour not necessarily indicative of bi-polar. If the mortgage is in your name, is the house also solely yours? And do you keep a record of all these big ticket purchases? That 'hard nosed bitch' remark makes me think he's happy to take your money but resents you for having it (good job?) at the same time because it makes him feel small. People who act that way IME are usually very insecure

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 11:50:38

It almost like someone flicks a switch with him. One minute he is perfectly normal the next he will be talking absolute bollocks. We were sitting there last night having a pleasant evening after a lovely meal I cooked, chatting away. He then has a massive headache and starts his crap. I normally walk away and go to bed and leave him to it. Have to say this is normally associate with too much booze. Claimed also to have taken "too many painkillers" I think he was seeking attention which did not work. Now I am writing this he sounds like a complete knob.

cakehappy Fri 25-Oct-13 22:16:25

Yep, sounds like a bit of a knob. Definitely. I think you need to get a bit of perspective on this guy, he's draining you on all levels...he doesnt contribute financially and physically, there is nothing there. Sounds exhausting. And throw in some verbal abuse from time to all round great guy.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 09:57:15


Did not want to start a new thread and do not know how to link. So things have not really improved. To top it all I have just had a call from EON, ( the only thing DP was responsible for saying the bill has a huge balance (over 500) as DD have not been paid. I don't have 500 to spare right now and EON will not discuss with me because in his name, Oh bloody hell. Enough is enough.

maparole Tue 03-Dec-13 10:49:52

chatting away. He then has a massive headache and starts his crap.

Has he always been this way? Because that does sound like a brain disorder to me, either chemical or physical.

It's insupportable, though. If he won't help himself or even recognise a problem, then you have to start thinking about leaving him to it.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 03-Dec-13 10:59:47

After reading this - I agree - enough is enough.
Do you have children together?
If so how many and what ages.

And I think you'll find the MN term for him is 'cocklodger'!
Get rid and start to focus on you.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 11:02:14

Not always been this way I think but over the past few years it has got very noticeable. It is almost like he is 2 people and this becomes really evident if he drinks. He for example will say he really likes a type of food and will be cooked it and they say he dislikes it intensely. DS (13) will just look at each other bemused.

I really want to sit him down but when I see his face I feel guilty. Right now I am fuming about the electricity bill and very worried, I do not need extra financial surprises right now

ImperialBlether Tue 03-Dec-13 11:06:05

Yes, the word 'cocklodger' came to my mind pretty quickly, too.

I would imagine he knows he's not impotent because he masturbates.

What's he doing with £30,000 worth of stuff hanging around? What sort of thing is it? Any way you could get in there and relieve him of some of it to sell? Most things lose their value pretty quickly - unless he's got a little goldmine (literally) in there it's likely it's not worth what he paid for it.

One good thing is that if you did kick him out, you'd be no worse off financially. It's good that the gas bill is in his name - let him sort it out.

Frankly, he sounds pretty horrible. That nasty look in his eye? That's just him being nasty.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 11:21:42

Imperial I am pretty sure being impotent and able to masturbate does not mean that a man can perform with a partner, but I am willing to be corrected. Re his stuff they are antiques so unlikely to loose value thank god. Re the electricity bill all very well saying leave it him but sitting he in the dark at Xmas is not a happy though.
I want to sit him down and give ultimatums that unless he seeks help for his "issues" and agree a financial plan that is fair to us both. But when faced with his being nice and happy can't seem to bring myself to do it. What the fuck is wrong with me

Jan45 Tue 03-Dec-13 11:30:21

What a horrible way to speak to you. He's draining, in all aspects of life. If he really wanted to make things work he'd accept there is a problem in the first place and then become active in trying to sort it out with you.

His complete lack of motivation would indicate he's really not that fussed - sounds like the two of you are just not compatable and do not share the same views on money or sex. Unless you actually make a stand for a new way of living, nothing will change I doubt.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 03-Dec-13 11:37:10

Does he actually work ?

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