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Should I tell the other woman's husband.

(237 Posts)
fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 15:14:07

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

CailinDana Wed 21-Aug-13 15:22:39

Don't get involved.

SheerWill Wed 21-Aug-13 15:26:13

I can understand why you would want to... but I really feel this would make you seem like the crazy, bitter, wronged wife. You might feel like this, but keep your dignity. As CailinDana said - leave well alone. Get on with your own life.

drasticpark Wed 21-Aug-13 15:32:05

I have been in this position. I told the husband. I don't regret it. There were no repercussions and I didn't care what they thought of me. I did what I felt was right.

The ow's husband apparently suspected the affair 18 months before I uncovered it but didn't tell me. I so wish he had. It would have saved me 18 months of misery.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 21-Aug-13 15:33:23

I would. Fuck them all, you don't owe them shit.

Ahhhcrap Wed 21-Aug-13 15:34:04

Don't do it.. It's her life, let her sort it.

I felt exactly the same, and for the last 3 years I've felt the ow got off scott free as her DH never knew. But.... I have no idea where it would have led to if I'd have said something. I do feel I have the moral high ground by being 'better' than them (even though I've spent many hours fantasising how I'd tell her DH)

My problem was my DH, not her or her DH.

meditrina Wed 21-Aug-13 15:34:43

If you simply want to make someone suffer, then don't.

If however you think that her H should be able to make his choices about his marriage in light of what is going on (whether he knows, suspects,or is completely in the dark), the yes tell. But in a gentle, basic fact-based way.

There was a long thread yesterday and today about someone who had found pictures of a friend's H snogging someone else and asked if she should tell her friend. There are lots of replies there from people who wish that they had been told by friends who knew. And the majority of posts on that thread supported telling.

It is the cheater who has cause the situation, not the messenger.

lunar1 Wed 21-Aug-13 15:40:53

I would tell, if someone knew my dh was cheating I would want to be told. He has the right to know his health is at risk and get an sti check.

MexicanHat Wed 21-Aug-13 15:43:59

It never fails to surprise me that people say they would want to know if there DH/DW was having an affair but they advise not the tell an innocent party. What happens if the innocent party never finds out? They are being made to live a lie. Surely they should be told so they can decide what path they want their live to take after being informed of all the details?

It's been 4 years. Has the OW left her H? I think you should tell if not

mynewpassion Wed 21-Aug-13 15:55:18

Because of the length of time, do it. No one wants to be a mug for that long.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 21-Aug-13 16:00:11

4 fucking years. Unbelievable,

Sister77 Wed 21-Aug-13 18:24:34

Tell him

Phalenopsis Wed 21-Aug-13 18:30:21

I'm not going to advise you OP on whether you ought to tell her husband or not. What I will tell you is this:

The messenger often gets shot. He might call you a liar. He might physically assault you. He might already know and will react in a hostile way to you telling him. He might make your life very difficult in some way.

You need to do what you feel is right BUT remember the above and if you don't feel strong enough to deal with any negative responses from him and her for that matter then keep schtum and deal with your own pain. smile

mammadiggingdeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:02:26

I'd want to be told. If he really has no idea then he's being made a total fool of. Don't do it out of spite though.

LoopThePoop Wed 21-Aug-13 19:03:23

No, don't do it.
You will end up being the bad one in this.

DaydreamDolly Wed 21-Aug-13 19:05:55

I'd tell. Poor bloke. I'd want to know if I was him. My STBXH was having an affair for 2 years. I dearly wish someone had clued me in.

DaydreamDolly Wed 21-Aug-13 19:06:20

Also can't fathom why you'd end up being the bad one. Doesn't compute.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 21-Aug-13 19:09:54

Tell him, she is taking him for a cunt - I presume you would like to know?

LittlePeaPod Wed 21-Aug-13 19:12:35

I am so sorry to hear you have been had to go through this.. If I was the OM I definitely would want to know if DF was cheating. On that basis I would tell. Poor guy is been made a complete fool of. If it was you would you have wanted him to tell you?

Cluffyflump Wed 21-Aug-13 19:12:38

I've been cheered on and I'd say tell him.
I can't understand why not confused
Would the posters who said not to tell not want to know themselves?

Cluffyflump Wed 21-Aug-13 19:13:36

Ahhh! cheeted on not 'cheered'!

fifi669 Wed 21-Aug-13 19:15:06

I'd want to know. Esp for an affair that'd lasted that long. I'm sure he would too, even if, as people have said, he initially gets angry. He'll thank you in the end.

Plus, it may be spiteful, but why should she wreck your marriage and emerge unscathed? (Obviously your DH wrecked it too).

DontCallMeDaughter Wed 21-Aug-13 19:16:49

I'd want to be told and I would definitely tell the OW's DH. Secrets are burdens and why should I carry one for them?

missbopeep Wed 21-Aug-13 19:18:55

Be honest with yourself first.

I don't think you are considering this out of pure altruism for the OW's H- you are doing it as a betrayed wife who wants the OW to suffer and bear some of your pain. It's all about revenge.

For all you know, he may have had numerous affairs. You have no idea what has gone on their marriage- only that your DH was unfaithful to you.

If he is living a lie that's their business. Not yours. You need to let it go because otherwise you will end up more bitter and angry than you are now- an action like this won't lance your wounds.

converselover Wed 21-Aug-13 19:30:44

Never good to give in to bunny boiler tendencies.
Get some counselling to help you move on.

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