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Oh bugger. I think I'm in love with one of my best friends.

(331 Posts)
LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 20:27:52

I've known him for years though we've definitely spent a lot more time together recently. He's kind and funny and smart. We get on incredibly well, we spend loads of time together and we never run out of things to say. We've got loads in common, and lots of mutual friends - he's perfect. I even like his parents.

And now I think I've fallen for him. We went to a wedding two weekends where neither of us knew many other people - as a result, we spent most of the time together and had a lovely time. And when I got home, I realised I don't want to just be friends any more, and I keep thinking about him and how much fun we had.

I can't believe I've gone and done this - he's so much a part of my life, and now I've got to either tell him how I feel and ruin the friendship if it's not reciprocated, or do nothing and try and get over it. Or, I suppose, hang around in the hope that he feels the same way. But I don't have any real evidence that he does.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about this - I've even been googling "ways to tell if he fancies you" which is absurd given my age and the fact that all the articles say things like "try and sit next to him in class and see what happens". But I've never been in this situation before - got married at 25 to the boy I'd been going out with since school, and haven't dared go on a date since we split up two years ago.

I know he isn't dating anyone else, and that he hasn't had a serious relationship since his girlfriend died about five years ago. But that doesn't mean he's interested in me, of course.

Please, tell me to get a grip and get on with my life. Or to get a grip and tell him how I feel. Or give me a list of "ten ways to tell if a forty something bloke who's unfailingly polite and interested in everyone he encounters likes you more than he likes other people" so I can work out whether he likes me back.

LadyMilfordHaven Mon 22-Jul-13 22:44:29

no one of them can say " ooh you can SO TELL"

as if you dont know

MadeMan Mon 22-Jul-13 22:45:38

Lucy if they are single women friends then I would hazard a guess and say yes. Men look at women. They might look at a woman and think, "No", but they would look and think about it for a moment. I'm not talking about men having sexual fantasies about every woman they meet and going home and masturbating over them, it's just that if you are in their life then the chances are that they have looked at you as a woman; not just as a friend.

I'm basically saying that he might be leaving it up for you to decide out of respect for you and because he's a gentleman.

ConfusedPixie Mon 22-Jul-13 22:49:50

I told my best friend to kiss me just after I broke up with my ex. He did, we're together still 2 years later and planning our wedding for the summer after next. Though I was honest and told him outright that I liked him six years ago and he turned me down then. Didn't damage the friendship for long though, things were a bit awkward for a few weeks but fine after that.

But just do it, it's worth it wink

LadyMilfordHaven Mon 22-Jul-13 22:50:54

that is interesting made man. Men always laugh when women sya " ooh its not like that" as i think they know they would have checked you out

Purple2012 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:02:12

I would take the risk and let him know. If you don't you will always wonder. Let us know what happens.

fluffydressinggown Mon 22-Jul-13 23:05:21

Another one saying go for it.

Finally got together with my best mate eight years ago after months of flirting and does he doesn't he. We have been married for five years.

littleblackno Mon 22-Jul-13 23:20:10

Have you text him yet? Go on, do it tonight then you can let us all know! grin

LucyWildelovesGru Mon 22-Jul-13 23:26:40

No, definitely not tonight! Need to think about this. He took lots of photos at the wedding which he said he would put into an album and share with me, so I will wait for that - seems a good opportunity to say what a good time I had. And see where that gets me...

MadeMan Mon 22-Jul-13 23:35:09

I see the two of you... sitting close together on the settee, a glass of wine each, wedding album lying open across both your knees, idly flicking through this tome of wedded love in your laps...

bottleofbeer Mon 22-Jul-13 23:47:21

You know what? just go for it.

Don't spend your life wondering 'what if' because let me tell you that feeling of 'what if' never truly goes away and I think a tactful rebuff from him (being worst case scenario) would be easier to live with and move on from.

pippop1 Tue 23-Jul-13 00:11:53

My grown up DS has a few v close friends that are girls. DH is convinced that one of them will be The One in the end.

cronullansw Tue 23-Jul-13 01:16:10

Jeez........... smile

He's a friend, so talk to him, don't insult him by getting pissed and making a pass, that'll make it look as if you are only doing it cos you are pissed.

He's a friend, he'll be impressed either way; if he does fancy you, he'll be delighted, and even if he doesn't, he'll still be terribly pleased.

MrsPeeWee Tue 23-Jul-13 01:29:14

Keep us updated, OP. smile

Speedos Tue 23-Jul-13 06:48:08

I think with older guys they things they do when they like you aren't too disimilar to what all those websites you visited say obviously there is not sitting next to in class going on though!

I am in a messy attraction/love situation with a 'friend' at the moment, nothing has happened nor have we discussed it and won't be discussing it as I am trying to avoid now. However the key signs he likes you more than a friend are:

- always catching him looking after you have walked away.
- prolonged eye contact.
- always casually touching (arm squeeze, hand pat, hug, wiping something off your face) nothing too obvious like thigh!
- never mentioning other women they like (my 'friend' didn't even mention a girlfriend let alone he was engaged and getting married within a couple of months, I only found out as someone mentioned his stag do, I had know him for about 6 months by then)
- always wanting to talk about any problems in your current relationship, my 'friend' was very interested in my unhappy marriage. Men generally wouldn't care about this kind of thing.

Obviously nothing ever happened between us though I am love with him and miss him terribly as you are both single I really hope you go for it, life is too short to wonder what might of happened.

Speedos Tue 23-Jul-13 06:51:03

Sorry for all the typo's!

noddyholder Tue 23-Jul-13 06:59:24

I think you should carry on as you are. If he was interested I think you would know ad the wedding was an ideal opportunity to get together but it didn't happen. It may just take him awhile Go out as normal and see if it develops

worsestershiresauce Tue 23-Jul-13 07:04:46

I had a really good friend once. I'd known him for three years, but never really fancied him. Then we went to a wedding together and the rest is history. Married 13 years this month, have a gorgeous dd together, and despite ups and downs are still best friends.

fackinell Tue 23-Jul-13 09:53:11

Oooh this thread is exciting!!! What I'd do is slightly take the chickens way out and text him, 'I know someone who really likes you but is nervous about making a move. Would you be interested in a relationship ATM, and if so, what kind would you be looking for?'

It totally gets his perspective without any embarrassment whatsoever. If he really likes you, he won't risk saying he doesn't want a relationship. If he asks for more, describe yourself.
Ready with an 'oh God, I didn't mean me!' If need be.

I'm a total wimp though and have always relied on men making a move. I'd maybe act a bit embarrassed and say you had a dream about him or something. Men do seem to like that. grin

ReturnofSaturn Tue 23-Jul-13 11:24:27

Go for it Lucy. As another poster said, fortune favours the brave and believe it or not even if he does reject you, you will get over that more quickly than the not-knowing. I would defo do it in your situation, unfortunately the guy I like I haven't spoken to or seen in 9 months! So I can't just pipe uphmm

Woodenpeg Tue 23-Jul-13 12:01:12

Come on OP, life is about LIVING! You could be wasting precious time...

I'm sending you VIBES!

Good luck!!

lydiajones Tue 23-Jul-13 12:45:01

How about being a bit flirty (compliments, a bit more tactile etc) with him the next few times you are with him and see how he reacts rather than actually declaring your undying love to him? If you start flirting you can see how he reacts to you. It might put the idea in his head and he might make a move?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 23-Jul-13 12:45:35

Can you try to spend more time with him? When are you seeing him next?

MadeMan Tue 23-Jul-13 15:29:19

I really like fackinell's idea about telling him about a dream you had of the two of you. You can make it up and then just casually say to him that you dreamt that the two of you were married with kids to see what his reaction will be. If he laughs it off you can always laugh with him and tell him it might not be that bad, or he may even tell you it could be a good plan. Either way, it puts the suggestion of marriage into his head and may get him thinking.

People have all sorts of crazy dreams and you can always blame it on the wedding you both went to and the talk of him doing the photo album.

LucyWildelovesGru Tue 23-Jul-13 16:12:12

You’re all great, thank you. I feel nearly brave enough to go for it. I think. I will of course report back to you all...

I’m seeing him this weekend – he’s offered to lend me some wetsuits for the dcs that his nephews use when they come to visit him and he suggested we call in to collect them and have a cup of tea. But I’ll have all three dcs with me so not really the time for a heart to heart as they run around the garden screeching. (Did I mention he is a devoted uncle and extremely good with my three, who all really like him?...) But I might try a bit harder to read his signals than I have done before.

Then we’re going to the opera in a couple of weeks – slightly engineered by me, but a colleague had some spare tickets and I knew he’d enjoy it so texted him this morning to ask if he wanted to come along and he came back straight away to say yes. So perhaps dinner after the opera with a bottle of wine might be the moment.

When we were talking last week at a friend’s birthday party, I mentioned in passing that I was planning on going on a residential rock climbing course in a couple of months (I used to do quite a bit at university, but am really rusty). He said he’d definitely be keen to come along as well and to let him know before I booked it - and I really wasn’t hinting, I never thought he’d be interested. So I am taking that as a sign that he at least enjoys my company.

Sigh. I’m too old for this! I spent most of last night re-reading his previous emails and texts. There’s always a kiss at the end of them, and plenty of in-jokes, but I think that might just be him...

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 23-Jul-13 16:17:19

Look Lucy, he's making every excuse to see you and jumping at chances that are barely even there to see you as well. If I were a betting woman I would say that there's at least an 80% chance he's interested.

Out of interest, do you know how come he's never married/had children of his own?

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