Oh bugger. I think I'm in love with one of my best friends.

[LucyWildelovesGru]

I've known him for years though we've definitely spent a lot more time together recently. He's kind and funny and smart. We get on incredibly well, we spend loads of time together and we never run out of things to say. We've got loads in common, and lots of mutual friends - he's perfect. I even like his parents.

And now I think I've fallen for him. We went to a wedding two weekends where neither of us knew many other people - as a result, we spent most of the time together and had a lovely time. And when I got home, I realised I don't want to just be friends any more, and I keep thinking about him and how much fun we had.

I can't believe I've gone and done this - he's so much a part of my life, and now I've got to either tell him how I feel and ruin the friendship if it's not reciprocated, or do nothing and try and get over it. Or, I suppose, hang around in the hope that he feels the same way. But I don't have any real evidence that he does.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about this - I've even been googling "ways to tell if he fancies you" which is absurd given my age and the fact that all the articles say things like "try and sit next to him in class and see what happens". But I've never been in this situation before - got married at 25 to the boy I'd been going out with since school, and haven't dared go on a date since we split up two years ago.

I know he isn't dating anyone else, and that he hasn't had a serious relationship since his girlfriend died about five years ago. But that doesn't mean he's interested in me, of course.

Please, tell me to get a grip and get on with my life. Or to get a grip and tell him how I feel. Or give me a list of "ten ways to tell if a forty something bloke who's unfailingly polite and interested in everyone he encounters likes you more than he likes other people" so I can work out whether he likes me back.

[bobbywash]

Some people give no signals at all, the only way to find out is to let him know how you feel.

Oh and OP stop running yourself down, about prettier and younger people than you. It's not whether you're beautiful in everyones eyes, but if the person you like thinks that you are that's all that counts.

[TheNorthWitch]

If your self esteem is a bit battered and you don't feel up to a rejection what's the harm in waiting for awhile? In the meantime you could take advantage of birthdays etc., for a sneaky kiss or hug and see if it lasts a bit longer than it should.

You could also check out eye contact - its very hard not to look at someone you fancy so you either look a bit longer or look away completely because you think they'll know - people do a mixture of both I think as they are aware their feelings are not neutral and have to work at behaving 'naturally' (until they are more sure feelings are reciprocated).

If you don't fancy someone and you think they might fancy you then its more likely to constantly look away and try to avoid eye contact at all costs.

[comedycentral]

Im crying at the stories on this thread! Please text him OP! Life is too short for regrets!

[LucyWildelovesGru]

Elephants, he was married years ago, but his first wife was unfaithful (even before the wedding, I think) and it didn't last more than a couple of years. Then he met a lovely woman, who we were all really fond of, but she was killed in a car accident a few years ago after they'd been together for about two years. I know he absolutely adored her, and was devastated when she died. I really liked her, though I didn't know her that well. I think that plays a part in my reluctance to speak up - she was beautiful, and very very sweet, and everyone adored her. I feel like I'm trying to live up to someone that I am never going to be able to compete with.

[louisianablue2000]

Just tell him. He obviously enjoys your company so please think better of yourself. As I always tell the DDs, people who love you will always think you are beautiful. Even when you're in your 90s.

Loving all the romantic stories on this thread.

[ImperialBlether]

Do you know whether he writes in a similar vein to other female friends and whether he acts in the same way with them?

Personally I'd aim for a situation where he made the move, but that's because I think it would be horribly embarrassing if he didn't reciprocate.

[magimedi]

Stop putting yourself down!!

Men can be odd about romance. He maybe really anxious about rejection after all he's been through. He may feel at 40 he's too old & you'd think he's silly.

You are going to have to do for it or spend a lot of time wondering: 'What if@

I would suggest saying something at dinner after the opera. Have a (& only a) glass of wine for courage & then maybe say how much you've enjoyed the evening & how much you enjoy his company, what a great friend he is & that you have come to realise that you feel even more than friendship for him.

[missmakesstuff]

I am marking my place but just wanted to say go for it..my dh is my best male friends twin, we knew each other a year and liked each other for most of that, he then moved into my shared house, so the potential for horrible awkwardness was huge! We relied on the time honoured use of alcohol to get us over the first hurdle, we have been together 6 years now and have 3 yr old dd. Couldn't be happier, just go for it, the awkwardness will go away if he isn't up for it, I know as I have had crushes on friends before that and nothing happening on their part, but I would have felt worse had I not tried, especially if I had missed out on what I have with dh. Good luck!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

I would totally go for the eye contact thing whenever you meet though. Once you've got that weird lingering eye contact thing going, you can be much more sure, without having a word said. Plus if he does avoid your looks, you can guess that he's not interested in that side of things with you at the moment.

And listen, YOU are sweet and beautiful, and it sounds like your feelings for him are "proper", i.e. you care FOR him, rather than about having him for yourself. That's how it should be. :)

[flummoxedlummox]

I'm not sure I'd agree with the "I had a dream" or "I have this friend who" approach as they're too ambiguous and may not move you forward. I myself lack the flirting gene and need a women to slap me round the face with a wet fish before I realise they're into me. Go for it and good luck.

[lachrymavitis]

The only way you'll know is if you tell him. Don't play games or allude to it, just be upfront and tell him.
I agree with flummox - just be clear and grown-up or he may not have a clue what's going on. At the very least he will be flattered and impressed by your chutzpah
Be brave! Good luck!

[makemineamalibuandpineapple]

It is always flattering to be told that someone fancies you so at the very least he will be flattered. Yes it will be mortifying if he doesn't feel the same and I know because it has happened to me but the feeling doesn't last long and if you are as good friends as you say you are then you will soon get back to normal. Hopefully though you will get the outcome you want and it will end all the wondering.

[amotherincognito]

Have you told him yet??

[MoreCrackThanHarlem]

I hope you've told him and got the outcome you wanted.

[deleted203]

I would speak to him honestly about this. I wouldn't announce I'd fallen desperately for him, but would keep it low key and say something along the lines of:-

'I know we get on great - but I do actually find you really attractive and wonder if you fancy moving our relationship onto a romantic level, rather than just friendship? I would like to try - but I don't want to lose your friendship if you don't feel the same. I just felt I had to let you know.

Simple and to the point. (You just need to take a deep breath before you say it).

[mittensthekitten]

How did it go at the weekend? I bet he loves you to bits. You sound great. :)

[MortifiedAdams]

I've just comeacross this thread and hope you have told him!

[FlorIxora]

Been lurking and I would love some news too.

He was in your situation, then when I became unattached, he asked me out. We'd know each other for yonks, I had never looked at him in "that" way. I said yes to going on a date with him. It was a great success.

Then to my great surprise, 18 months later I proposed to him. He's my best friend and we've been together just shy of 4 yrs and had known each other for 6 yrs.


I would ask him out "would you like to go on a date with me?". I'm not sure about great declaration of love when you're not sure what you're dealing with in terms of feelings. And definitely DO NOT get drunk and make a pass at him. (how would you feel if someone did that to you?)

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

Right - I have just read your whole thread, now I need to know how it went this weekend

[Apileofballyhoo]

Me too!

[jynier]

This may seem odd advice but, if you can, listen to Sunday's Desert Island Discs when the guest was Mary Robinson (first female President of Ireland) and then find the Vince Cable programme in the archives. Both programmes give examples of genuine, deep and lasting love! Vince Cable wears two wedding rings.

Best wishes, OP!

[readyforno2]

Another one hoping for good news..

My dp was and still is, my best friend. 10 years down the line. Have to admit I was wasted when I told him (although I didn't actually tell him cause he kissed me mid sentence) but it was worth it.

I also agree what other posters have said about him being flattered either way.

Fingers crossed for you

[FlatCapAndAWhippet]

Marking my ever so hopeful spot!

[LucyWildelovesGru]

Hello everyone, it's lovely to know you're all on my side and cheering me on!

I'm sorry I've not got any real update - the weekend was a bit of a disaster for various reasons (dc in A&E with broken arm, car problems etc) so I was pretty distracted. We did see each other briefly, which was very pleasant, but totally neutral and not the right moment to say anything. I tried to read his body language but he certainly wasn't giving anything away. Not even slightly flirty, though there was eye contact. But then he was offering help with the car, and suggested the possibility of a trip to France together later this year to see a mutual friend (though just as I got really excited about this he then suggested another male friend of ours join us...).

So, I don't know. I suspect we are stuck in the friend zone. I know he is very fond of me and really likes my company. That's very clear. But I don't think he fancies me or I would have picked up something by now, surely.

To make matters worse, my boss has worked out what's going on (long story, small town, they know each other slightly through work and his name came up and I blushed way too much) and is now firmly of the view that I should just say something. He's like a dog with a bone and certainly won't let it go until I report back one way or the other - his comment was "for fucks sake Lucy, he's bound to want to get into your knickers at least, so what's the worst that can happen?" (This, I realise, is wildly inappropriate behaviour from one's employer but I've known him for years and we have a pretty good and honest relationship and he has plenty of other redeeming features...). He then went on to say that he doesn't think men spend much time at all thinking about this stuff and that they certainly don't tie themselves in knots about it - that it's probably a case of "yes, Lucy is great, she is definitely someone I would like to spend more time with, oh look, a football match is on..." and that I should stop trying so hard to read something into his texts, or the absence of texts, or the way he looks or what he says.

I still haven't told anyone in real life apart from my sister (and my boss!) so it's good to know there is somewhere I can come to obsess over the details. My sister doesn't know him well but she did say that although he obviously likes me as a friend, he's had plenty of opportunities to make it something more and hasn't yet so she doesn't think he is interested. On the other hand, she's been divorced twice after making spectacularly stupid choices and is notorious in the family for her blunt and often wide of the mark assessments of people (I love her to bits but she is bonkers!)

He's going away with work for a few days and then I am away for a few days over the weekend and early next week but we did make a tentative plan for dinner in the next couple of weeks (I suggested it, he said "that would be lovely" - I will sort it out when I get back) so I will take all your advice on board and go for it. Eeek.

I will say something, I promise! I owe it to Mumsnet to give you an update so you can share my pain and cheer me up when he turns me down.

[LucyWildelovesGru]

And sowornout, when I do say something I will be using your words which I have committed to memory. I can't believe I'm 44 and feeling like I'm 14!