Anyone regret leaving?

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Has anyone out there left their dp/dh and regretted it afterwards?

I am physically and mentally preparing myself to leave DH. I have two small dcs. I've been thinking about it for years. But I'm scared what if I regret it.

Any advice/experiences really appreciated x

[Mosman]

I always think that if it turns out you really love each other and there's nobody else involved you could probably go back and the break will have done you good.
If you stay and it's miserable it'll only get worse.

[LittleEdie]

I think everyone worries that they'll regret it if they leave. Sometimes though you know you'll regret it more if you stay.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Maybe it would help you OP to work out exactly what you think you might regret? Like any big life decision you weigh up the pros and cons, attaching a weight to each... and if the pros outweigh the cons, you go with it.

I think the biggest regrets in anyone's life are the times when they had an opportunity and did nothing about it. The most common regret I've always heard from those that left bad relationships was that they didn't do it earlier.

Good luck

[newbiefrugalgal]

Well said comments

[BeforeAndAfter]

I couldn't have properly weighed up the pros and cons of leaving because I didn't know what being single was like - I had been part of a couple for so long. The leap into the unknown is what makes deciding to leave so hard. I do not regret leaving and I don't know anyone who does - edit that - I don't know any women who regret it. I suspect quite a few men regret it.

[Concentrateonthegood]

I think it would depend on your reasons for wanting the relationship to cease. For me, I didn't regret it. The more space between us, the more I realised how dysfunctional and destructive the relationship was - for us both really.

Make no mistake, there were very dark days, lots of regret and missing the familiar and lots of fear but with the benefit of time, did I do the right thing? Absolutely.

Only you can analyse what it is you want and why and act on a combination of your instincts and extremely sober thought.

[BeforeAndAfter]

OP, it is hard after you've left because you long for the familiar, you worry about dealing with new things alone and you mourn the future you thought you had. BUT you no longer have to worry about him, you no longer have to compromise or feel that your views and hopes are continually squashed and as you find your feet and rediscover yourself you wonder why you clung on for quite so long.

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Thank you so much for your replies. I feel very alone and insecure right now. The thought of leaving a home I've had for 9years eith two small kids. It's scary.

Dh constantly tells me I'm destroying the dcs lives, I'm being selfish etc etc.

I have pressure from my family to stay and no support from anyone really.

I feel like I'm just existing at the moment rather than living. Every day I do the same things and think about leaving but feel like my feet are stuck in concrete.

I've actually got a house orgsnised on rent ready to move into. But why can't I leave? I feel so pathetic.

[chrome100]

I regret leaving. We didn't have children but had been together 7 years and things were a bit hum drum. I realised about 2 months after leaving that it was a mistake. I don't think I will ever get over throwing it all away.

[LemonDrizzled]

All those people have a vested interest in putting you back in your tidy box (prison?) so their opinions are not objective. Parents often reinforce their own choices and values and may not want the stigma and mess of a failed marriage in their family. Your DP doesn't want to lose his domestic appliance even if it is faulty at present. Some of your friends will feel threatened and not want to know you if you leave. It might be catching!
I speak from experience but I left anyway and it was all fine. They all got over it and in the end it was my decision to make with or without their approval.

Concentrate on spending time with people who listen to you without judgement and support your choices. You will be surprised who they turn out to be. Not who you expect at all!

[Losingexcessweight]

I did regret leaving my ex fiancé 7 years ago. We were together two years, he was my first love.

The reason I regretted leaving him was because I realised that the grass wasn't greener on the other side etc. he married and had a child whilst I was going from one relationship to another and getting hurt over and over again.

I knew why I left him, he was incredibly controlling and had completely isolated me from my friends etc. he was also very high in debt and it left us with pittance to live on despite us both working full time.

I stopped regretting leaving him when I met my now dh. As dh is completely the opposite.

I think you regret leaving if you don't have anything else to focus on and you feel that they have bettered their life since they split from you.

People split for a reason and if you do regret leaving, it's wise to remind yourself why you split in the first place.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

No wonder you feel wobbly about it if you've got everyone in your life tutting in your face telling you you're making a big mistake! It's tough enough to make a stand when you have encouragement. Bloody difficult when everyone's against you. Your family should be ashamed of themselves.

Is there no-one at all you can talk to over a who is going to say 'go girl!!'?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I do not regret leaving. I have not for one minute ever regretted my decision to leave even though it cost me my home and job.

I do not regret staying as long as I did. I stayed because I had to try everything I could to make it work. When it didn't get better, I left. I think knowing that I had done everything I could to save my marriage meant I could leave with no regrets.

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Unfortunately there is no one in RL who is supporting me. I have friends from uni days who know what's going on but they live too far away.

My family are no help at all. I've even had emotional blackmail to stay. And yeah I agree with one of the replies above that they are more worried about having a failure within the family.

Dh has become very bitter, loads of emotional abuse and constant txts and making me feel like a complete b*itch for taking kids away from their home.

I can't bear the thought of spending the rest of my life with him.

He's a great dad now and has tried hard with me the past year but it's too late for me now

I wish I could just pack up and go and start again.

I need a kick up the backside. I'm soooo annoyed and frustrated with myself for not getting out if this horrible situation

[Pippinlongsocks]

Be true to yourself. It sounds like you have already had great courage to get this far of saying you want out and organising a house to rent. that is brilliant. Give yourself a pat on the back. Don't worry about what others think. I bet you are a great mum and you deserve to be happy. If your H cared about you and it was right you wouldn't be considering this at all so your instinct is right. Good luck, start the rest of your life as soon as possible and you will feel like a weight has been lifted. the living in limbo waiting for approval must be awful so get on now and make that change. Xx

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Awwwww... Thanks so much. That's the nicest and most supportive thing anyone has said to me.

Thank you to all the lovely people for replying. I wish you could all be here in RL.

[ElectricSheep]

I wish I could just pack up and go and start again. I need a kick up the backside. I'm soooo annoyed and frustrated with myself for not getting out if this horrible situation

But you can!

Here's the kick up the ass: you have a house organised - well done. Now stop dithering and use it.

You are not being selfish. If you are unhappy your DC will know it and it will be like a cloud hanging over them everyday. They will NOT thank you for remaining there for their sake when they are older. Leave now before any more damage is done. They can still see their Dad and maintain their relationship with him.

Your family will get used to the idea as soon as you do it. Once they see you are happier and you all settle down they will adjust.

Life is too short to spend it feeling miserable when you could do something about it. Now do it.

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Yes I know you are totally right. I need to start packing asap.

Anyone seen shawshank redemption, where Morgan Freeman says "you either get busy living or get busy dying".

[ElectricSheep]

Ah the wise words of Morgan Freeman

It's natural to feel scared and anxious. But I bet once you actually do it half the things you are worried about won't apply. And the other hard won't be as hard to cope with as they seem now.

Try not to look too far ahead. Just do one thing at a time and keep going.

[ElectricSheep]

*other half not hard

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Thanks electric. I appreciate the support x

On a separate note, how have people managed financially and practically doing everything on their own?

[NeverBeenToMe]

Not for a nanosecond. Took me years too to actually physically leave. I think the deciding factor for me was how desperately unhappy I was, apart from the fact he was an EA (oh, to have had the wisdom and advice of mn back then!) - I figured the kids would be ok and would still be supported by family, school etc, but I was drowning in unhappiness with no support. Now my kids are older, they can't imagine us ever being together at all.

Hope you find the right decision for you x

[NeverBeenToMe]

Financially (I was a mature student at the time) I survived alight on housing benefit, tax credits etc and minimum child maintenance while he tried to get me back by financial means.

Practically, any house repairs should be done by your landlord. Anything else, you ask friends, colleagues, or look for handyman adverts for things like building flatpack, or bigger gardening stuff. Make sure they see their dad, it will be hard at first as they get used to the change, but things will settle.

You will find you are stronger than you think

Consider your arse kicked

[Shr0edinger]

No! i agonsed over it before i left. dont know why. he was so awful to me. never felt anything but relief from the moment i did it.

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Lol Never, thanks! Can you come and kick me physically now too?!

I know I'm only dithering and delaying things because I'm scared for my dcs, they are only 1 and 4. They are very close to their dad.

My parents love him to bits. Everyone does actually.

I'm going to be a pariah I know.

Re benefits, I've more than paid my fair share of taxes since I have worked since I was 16. But still absolutely hate the thought of having to rely on the state.

I can't work hours I do when I leave so financially it's going to be a huge struggle.

Why is life so tough.