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Recently separated and pregnant

(27 Posts)
Dawnydavis Fri 08-Mar-13 05:10:41

Hello Mumsnet,
I have just joined the site as I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years, had a daughter who is 2 and half. I suffered with post natal depression. He didn't really help me, get me to seek help and basically just swept it under the carpet. Eventually, I got help, but without his advice. I started to feel a lot better and things felt better between us. So I got pregnant again as I wanted a sibling for my daughter. I probably rushed into it. But the issues between him and I seemed to come back. He didn't seem to try, just avoided me, kept going out with his friends and not really helping me with our daughter. We rowed about all of this and throughout december '23 he was leaving, coming back etc. He officially left me on Xmas eve. I'm now 8 months pregnant with a 2 year old and he has deserted me. I found out he's been seeing another lady, early day, but he told me by a text message, said she made him happy again and that I had made him extremely unhappy. I'm devastated

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch Fri 08-Mar-13 07:22:20

I'm sorry you're going through this. But I think you need to look at the positives. He didn't help out with your daughter, so it's not as though being on your own is more work! He was out all the time and you argued a lot. Now you don't have to put up with that constant emotional drain.

It really sounds like you're best off out of it. Let's face it he made YOU extremely unhappy.

He's an arse for saying that to you. It's not unusual for arses to throw the "look! Here's the proof that it was you not me, because I can be happy in a relationship!" Bollocks at us. My ex told me I'd never be happy because the problem was inside me.

Funnily enough, I AM happy. The problem was being with an arse.

I know it's horrible to hear something like that, but it's not you. The relationship wasn't working. Sometimes that is just how it goes. You will be happy. Without the arse.

Oh and congratulations on the pregnancy! You could well find it easier without expecting someone else to pull their weight when they won't. Do you have family or friends to support you?

Dawnydavis Fri 08-Mar-13 08:00:56

Thank you. But I just can't accept hes an arse at all. When we first met, he chased me, he was tryiing to oimpress me. It took him a year for us to get together. He always put me first, we got married after 4 years together and it was so so happy. I always thought he would continue to put me first. We had our daughter, he was hands on straight away which was lovely. Although, when I was due to take her home, he had to go and play footie, 2 days after she was born. Alarm bells should have rung, they did with my mum, she was so angry that he wasn't there when she came home at 2 days old. But I didn't see it. I suffered with baby blues and it kept escalating. I was obsessed that I had cancer, that I caught HIV from shaking a strangers hand. I'm a Scientist and it's not possible but I couldn't stop worrying about it. I was obsessed. He didn't help me, just dismissed it all and started to drift away. Then I got help, mainly because of my sister. It took about 6 months because I was also obsessed with breast feeding and feeling all of that pressure. I know I put it on myself. I felt better when my daughter was coming up to 2 so we planned another baby. But he didn't help buying her presents, organising party etc. When I really relive it, he wasn't the doting father I had hoped and thought he was. I just can't see what happened.

So I'm left with a toddler, another on the way without my husband and he has found someone else who he says makes him happy and I don't

I have sooooo much support from family and friemds but feel I'm such a burden to them

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch Fri 08-Mar-13 08:09:07

So whilst it was just the two of you and no external pressures he was great. Then you had his baby and he you suffered PND which he ignored and he avoided you? Whilst all your focus was on him, he was happy, but the second there was something else (I.e. your child together and subsequent need for him to support you) he pulled away.

He IS an arse. He is selfish and only in a relationship for the fun bits, and not the supportive sharing bits.

My ex was like this too. Once told me he was happy to be around when I was fun. He was an arse.

Men who aren't arses support their partners when they need it.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch Fri 08-Mar-13 08:11:05

Oh and you're not a burden. It sounds like you have a lovely mum and sister who understand that someone suffering with PND needs support.

He sounds incredibly immature.

Dawnydavis Fri 08-Mar-13 09:08:32

Everything you've said makes sense. It's what a lot of friends have said to me. I just thought they were biased. But, I feel battered and bruised. All of my confidence has vanished. It's been ripped out of me, by him, his parents who have condoned everything I feel. He's a 32 year old teenager who runs to anyone who can do it for him. His parents moaned at me that I didn't do enough for him, I was depressed which is difficult to do things and be motivated and they told me to get my act together, make sure the house was tidy and washing up done etc. I worked Mon-Weds long hours and I had to take my daughter to childminder and pick her up all the time. I had to get up to get her and me sorted for work at 5.40am, so I was exhausted while he stayed asleep. Then he felt he was neglected cause I fell asleep on the sofa early. I feel so guilty that I couldn'y be what he wanted. But being a working mum is tough. I miss him, feellike the reason my daughter is so bright and happy is because of him. I have only ever tried me best and that wasn't good enough for him or my in-laws

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch Fri 08-Mar-13 09:26:27

You're in laws sound ridiculous in all honesty. You are not his mother and he can help tidy his own house. Whilst they were criticising they must have been offering lots of support and help for you? No? Didn't think so.

They had no right to do that, and if he wasn't an arse he would have done some housework himself.

Your Dd is happy because of YOU! You're the one who is always there for her, you've been an brilliant mum to her.

It sounds like you're well rid of the entire family.

Now ask yourself one question. If you met someone new tomorrow, and they made you happy, would you have rubbed your ex's nose in it by sending a text saying what he said?

Pilgit Fri 08-Mar-13 09:27:07

they all sound dreadful! ignore the PILs - they have created a man who thinks it's a woman's job to look after him and his children, ignoring what your needs are. That isn't the way it should be. Equal partners take care of each other - however the work of house/home/money is sorted they take care of each other. It is no wonder you were tired but instead of doing something about alleviating and stepping up to the plate, he buggered off. Not taking you home from the hospital with your first child - that is just appalling.

I am sorry I cannot give you more helpful advice - I am sure someone will be along soon to give practical advice on this and better emotional support. But objectively you were not being treated correctly. Every person has a right to feel loved and supported by their partner. No one is all bad or all good and so it is going to be complicated and of course you are going to miss the good bits of him and mourn for what could have been. Your daughter is bright and lovely because of the examples she sees - that is you mainly. She is happy because you give her a stable life and lots of love.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch Fri 08-Mar-13 09:28:15

And any man who feels neglected because his partner is so exhausted she falls asleep on the sofa, is not a man at all.

Dawnydavis Fri 08-Mar-13 10:46:13

I wouldn't say it was quite like that, he helped out a lot with boring housework, but it felt like they were all targetting me especially when I was on maternity leave. 'You're off work so you should get that washing up before your husband gets home' and all that jazz. Maybe that's why I'm sad, because I am grieving and mourning what could have been. He seemed so perfect for me, looking after me and started out as a supportive person to me and the newborn daughter. I did feel loved but it did start to crumble.

I know if I met someone, I would see him on the days when she is with her Daddy, I would not introduce the new chap to her. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't mention anything to him until I thought my new relationship was serious. But, he told me after 'kinda seeing her for a week and it not really serious or important'. That's what he said in his text.

It has pushed my recovery backwards that he felt so little for our marriage and family that he would move on so quickly. I've asked him so many times to only talk to me via email, but he hasn't. I've had to organise everything, my heart has been ripped out and I'm having to try to organise him becaise I don't want my daughter to miss out on her Daddy.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 08-Mar-13 13:06:39

Dawn You worry about yourself, forget him your pregnant and need the peace , he can organise himself.

He is a huge arse for rubbing your nose in it, only boys do that, you deserve better than a boy, and your dc's deserve a real man for a father, they wont get it from him.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch Fri 08-Mar-13 13:27:19

Dawn, you can't chase him to see dd. if he wants to he will come to you. He needs to do it off his own back.

He only told you to be cruel. That is not the actions of a nice person.

You need to stop defending him. He has treated you badly.

As for contact, lots or people get a cheap pay as you go phone for the ex. This stays in a drawer and is checked once a day (or less often). That way he can't ambush your normal mobile with a message out of the blue.

chocoreturns Fri 08-Mar-13 13:55:35

Oh you poor love sad I have been there. Really and truly I have, my threads on here are a testament to it. Left while pregnant, with a 2yo. OW on the scene.

I'll be back in a bit to post, didn't want to read and run - just to send a quick hug and say you WILL get through this. It won't always feel so raw.

Sorry I have to dash but I'll post again later xx

Mummyofnearly2 Sat 09-Mar-13 08:11:16

It does feel so raw. I know I'm the type of person who wants to be in control and organised. The only reason that I have to talk to him is in regards to our kids. It can't be a clean break. I'm going to have to deal with him for the rest of my life, deal with him moving on and me having so much baggage every man would run a mile. He hasn't, this woman has just said,' ok, thats fine, you were unhappy I understand.' She hasn't run a mile after finding out about what he did to his wofe and kids. I on the other hand would have men running awat from me. I don't know why I care, but it makes me feel so alone because he can move on and I can't.

I never thought this would happen to me. My life has been destroyed, his hasn't, in fact his is going swimmingly.

He knew this woman on twitter for years he said. He's always been obsessed with it. He has met a few people on twitter, so he met her just over a week ago. He has since seen her 3 times been to visit her twice and she came here once (they live 100+ miles apart) so to me, that seems like its getting serious already. He told me not to worry about her, but that's easier said than done. I can't just let him move on, think it's because I've been left high and dry. Preg with a toddler and a husband who thinks so little of me and being ill that he leaves. He said it was unbarable for him and had to leave. So, it's all my fault

DeskPlanner Sat 09-Mar-13 08:37:22

None of its your fault. He is an arse. thanks

Mummyofnearly2 Sat 09-Mar-13 09:06:32

I'm really sorry, but I can't see it. I'm sorry to everyone for being such a misery

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 09-Mar-13 10:13:16

Its not your fault, at all, my ex left me because i had severe PND, another woman made him happy, i blamed myself, now nearly 4 years later, i think, "Well how is it my fault, i dont plan to be ill" Now im at no loss, because he didnt wanna be supportive of me, he just wanted to fuck about.

Your worthless, piece of shit ex, cant be supportive, because he doesnt have it in him to be.

Your not to blame being ill, dont think you are, because it'll make you feel worse, now you may seem in a whole, but trust me you wont stay there.

He will always have abandoning you, while very ill, on his conscience, she will always have that little niggle, will he do the same.

You will get better, be happy, knowing that you are not to blame, and are so much better without him.

Mummyofnearly2 Sat 09-Mar-13 11:24:24

Is it wrong to want him to rethink and realise what he's done and start to beg to come back? Thats all I keep hoping, silly I know

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 09-Mar-13 12:20:53

Of course its not, your grieving, its natural to want them to see the light and promise to be faithful and loving, i know i did, its not silly at all, and being pregnant, is gonna make that need stronger, while your pregnant, you cant make any decisions, because your hormones are in control, just worry about you and your DC's now, you all need calm and lean on people close to you, you'll work things out, you just need to take it one day at time.

Mummyofnearly2 Sun 10-Mar-13 23:14:57

Well, hes told me that he wasn't really looking long term relationshipbut it's starting to look that way... He just keeps making me feel worse and worse. This is so awful

UnlikelyAmazonian Mon 11-Mar-13 00:24:56

This bloke is a complete selfish knob. He has a grand sense of himself doesn't he..believes in his own importance and has a whacking great big ego. What a stupid sad fuck!

It's fine and normal for you to be flailing around, wondering what happened, if it's your fault, to feel miserable and to be frightened. But for now, short-term, while you're waiting for your new baby to arrive, you must try as hard as you can to focus on yourself and your little girl. Try to eat properly and get enough rest.

You will come through this - because you have to - and sooner rather than later you will see him for the utter wanker he is. You will realise that you're well shot of the dead-beat.

He's not 'moving on' by the way. He is just acting like the man-child he is - and as someone said earlier, he has his stupid stupid indulgent parents to blame for that.

Do the washing up before the Great Man of the house arrives home and needs his slippers warming? Diddums. Fuck that.

You need to get angry and strong and you will. He's treated you appallingly and is indeed showing contempt for your feelings in giving you details of his new liason. Which won't last.

I trust he is paying you child support? Have you had some good legal advice yet? If not then arrange some pronto: you can insist he only communicates via email while you pick yourself up and prepare to give birth and then simply do not answer the phone to him.

It's up to him to arrange contact with your daughter. Don't run around for him a moment longer.

You will recover from this and you will have two gorgeous children to boot. You're only 30. A slip of a thing, honestly.

I think you could start by emailing him with a divorce petition.

Mummyofnearly2 Tue 12-Mar-13 21:01:09

Well, update alert. He has now suggested that his new lady meet my daughter and me to meet her too. How can I heal if he keeps suggesting ridiculous things? Neither he or I know how long this will last, but meeting her after 2 weeks of him seeing her is madness. There is no way my daughter can meet her either, itll confuse the hell out of her and obviously that is my priority.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 12-Mar-13 21:05:56

Tell him maybe a casual meeting in 12 months, you'll take it seriously then.

Mummyofnearly2 Mon 18-Mar-13 22:47:41

It just keeps getting worse. I called a 'meeting' with him as I want to organise any possible details that can be organised with the imminant arrival ( only 3 weeks). He arrived late, he complained about being ill and how he can't see our daughter every weekend about of work and being poorly blah blah. So basically, he wants to see her every other weekend so the weekend he doesn't have her he gets to see his fancy woman. So I have to work around HER and my daughter misses out. This is vile. He didn't pay any child support till I had to remind him and even then he complained internet banking wasn't working and wanted me to tell him how much to pay. Surely, he just needs to check his banking to see if I have been paid. But he doesn't look at his balance or if anything has come out. It just makes no sense to me! It is happening, he isn't putting his children first and that makes me so so sad for my children.

belagh Tue 19-Mar-13 07:51:08

He wants you to still be the wife and sort everything out for him.

He is being unfair to you.... He really is.
Everything is about him and making him feel good. Hence why having a baby changed things because he wasn't your only priority anymore.

Speak to your midwife about ante natal depression and one now.... They will keep a close eye on you and hv's too. If you've had it before, unfortunately you are more likely to get it again.

Call CSA or/and get solicitors to get maintenance and visits legally sorted. You can get a statement of separation put in place so you both know what is expected... Then look after you and your little ones... Be selfish... He is not another child

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