Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH's gift to OW

(182 Posts)
madgered Thu 17-Jan-13 19:48:52

Tell me what you think. My DH gave OW a £250 bracelet for Christmas. I saw a text he sent saying; "Hi gorgeous. Happy Christmas x". He says it was just a flirtation and nothing sexual happened. He says they met a couple of times for lunch and spoke on the phone quite a lot. What would you think if you were me?

AnAirOfHope Fri 18-Jan-13 01:53:31

Your children will work out the truth in their own time. They are old enough to deal with this like adults but it will be bumpy.

New boundries have to be set that the children are kept out of your marriage and the end of it.

In the end its your relationship with STBXH and he checked out first.

I think i would stone wall the children "I am ending my relationship with my husband because this was unacceptable to me but he is still your Father and loves you".

You will never know everything and that is why you cant have a marrage with this man.

Im sorry you are going thru this but i think you did the right thing and good luck for the future.

ArtsMumma Fri 18-Jan-13 02:37:36

I think you know exactly what you need to do and I really hope that all the advice on here boosts your confidence. You sound dignified and strong and I think you will come through this and be better for it. Wishing you well.

debtherat Fri 18-Jan-13 04:00:27

My OH got jewellery £250, an art print £200 and tickets to a concert £200 for the OW - just for Xmas - she seems to be trying to let him down gently. He didn't tell me about pressies - all my paranoid detective work. The tickets are for tomorrow night. God knows what she will do - I think my DH arranged them to be the great romantic reunion - having dumped the unsupportive, neglectful wife - indulging his new found interest in her music. Bet he is on high alert for a message from her - if she texts wonder how quickly he will be out of door. He's probably booked hotel as well!

Do feel a bit like Emma Thompson from Love Actually - OH helping me to complete my emotional education - it is a new and v. painful lesson in how love can go wrong... see my thread "Where does the love go"?

Have courage and stay posting - really helps to write how you feel I've found - and get emotional support in wee small hours.

madgered Fri 18-Jan-13 07:11:39

Debtherat I feel for you. I don't know if he's still seeing her or if he's in the same position as your DH. She might have scampered after she knew I found out. he's on high text/phone alert too. Never leaves it out of his grasp.

Anyway I'm getting him out of my life now, scary as it sometimes feels. but emotionally, I know it's for the best.

I shall read your thread. all the best x

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 08:39:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 08:30:07

I'm still obsessing about this blooming expensive bracelet he bought her for Christmas. help me stop. I just can't shake it.

Numberlock Sat 19-Jan-13 08:44:58

It's horrible when you can't stop thinking about something awful isn't it? Have you got something nice planned this weekend?

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 08:56:57

Ok temporary solution. I went on the Links website and I bought myself a bracelet valued at 295.00 using the credit card. Choices in that price bracket were limited to 3. Hopefully I haven't chosen the same one he chose for her! If so I will keep you posted on the reaction.

Numberlock, thank you I went to a Scottish reeling party last night. I had a fantastic time despite feeling anxious about going alone. Everyone was kind and gentle and attentive to me, even though at some points in the evening I desperately missed having a husband. I cried about their kindness when I got into bed last night.

Numberlock Sat 19-Jan-13 09:00:22

madge That's fab about your night out, good for you.

Oh and wouldn't it have been a shame if you'd 'accidentally' ordered all 3 bracelets by mistake?

grannysapple Sat 19-Jan-13 09:22:23

OP, I think it's so soon after discovery that trying to stop obsessing is a lot to ask of yourself right now. It's a natural response and it will pass.

I think the truth will out at some point but by then you will have moved on, and it won't matter so much. In the meantime as others have said, start the legal process and you'll feel less like you're running to catch up with events and more like you're in charge of what happens next. smile

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 23:13:26

I sent him an email explaining how I felt about the discovery and how hurt I was by him actively Persuing another woman whilst we were working on our marriage. I also said that although they might not have had sex, the intention was there and he was having a relationship with OW even if it wasn't at that stage a sexual one (which I still doubt). It helped sending that. I would never be able to say it to him, it would end in a yelling match.

the sooner I get over this the better. dealing with this and divorce is sheer hell

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 23:21:05

What do you hope to gain from sending this E mail though?

I think it sends mixed messages tbh.

If you're divorcing him, it's just best to start living separately now and give the impression that you don't give a shit if he's screwing around, as long as he parents his kids and pays what's due.

I think sending him E mails like this leaves him an opener to try to talk you down from divorce. It also tells him that you aren't certain he's had a full affair (when he has of course) Is that what you want?

SlightlyJaded Sat 19-Jan-13 23:28:41

One day you will be glad your H bought that bloody bracelet because it cemented his guilt and pushed your anger to a place where you had to do something about it.

If all you had to go on was an ambiguous text, you could have been stuck in marriage forever wondering if anything happened.

And FWIW definitely an affair. If I was having an 'innocent flirt' with someone, there is no way I'd buy them a expensive present as it would look desperate and actually be quite awkward and embarrassing.

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 23:33:00

I sent it because I want to express my feelings about his behavior. I want him to know that he has hurt me. I feel that it has helped clear the air for me, at least. I've said my piece, I was never able to say it to him because everything became too fraught. tbh I dont really care if he thinks I'm not certain about whether he had sex with her or not.

we are still living in the same house with the DC. I no longer prepare his meals or do his laundry. I know I will never go back to this man. he has crossed the line and I know I deserve better.

Writing that email feels like I've expelled a demon. I've set my hurt free. if he's confused by it, then that's his problem.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 23:37:04

That must be a nightmare atmosphere to live in - for you all but especially the kids.

I'm puzzled why you left any room for doubt about your beliefs that he has had a full affair, but what's done is done now.

How soon can you live separately?

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 19-Jan-13 23:43:06

Such a sad situation for you are you able to tell him to leave?

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 23:48:06

yes it is a nightmare. he won't leave because he wants the house and I won't leave for the same reason.
We tend lo leave each other alone. when one of us is watching TV the other will go and do something else. the interesting one will be the meal senario. I told him I was no longer prepared to share meals or cook for him. the reaction was priceless! But what did he expect.
We are trying our best to be good around the children. lots of love. he's away at the mo. So it's bliss.
I guess until the divorce happens we'll be stuck together. god I hope I get the house. losing it will be worse than the discovery of the OW!

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 23:53:53

What has your solicitor advised? AFAIK you can move out but retain your financial interest in a house until it's sold. Or can you buy him out?

I really would move heaven and earth to live separately because however much you think you're being civilised, it's not nice for kids to see their dad eating separate meals - even if they do think he's been a dick.

Houses are bricks and mortar, but your kids might be haunted by memories for years to come about this period in their lives (speaks from bitter experience).

Catchingmockingbirds Sat 19-Jan-13 23:54:36

£250 for a Christmas present would suggest full blown affair to me sorry.

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 00:05:17

yes badinage you are so right about the children. Sorry you have bad memories. I have decided to cook for them and me. I will feed them earlier and I will eat later when they're in bed or watching Telly, so they don't notice. Dad will have to do the same.

my solicitor has advised me to stay. I can't rent anywhere because I don't have an income - SAHM - DH has put the squeeze on finances. my solicitor is applying for a maintenance order at the moment.

such a twat!

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 00:08:23

can you retain the house op?on your one salary after divorce?
may be you both split proceed and you both downsize
what's your solicitor advise ?

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 00:13:08

kids are 17 and 22 you have better choice re employment,not curtailed by school run
do look into work training you'll need to move out the housewife role.big transition
it's time to gather all support you can it will be hard until thingssettkr

madgered Sun 20-Jan-13 08:37:16

DH earns a big salary, hence being able to buy such an expensive gift for a "flirtation". We have other properties that he can sell and use to buy himself a new home. They are all in his name.

I have younger children ages 5 and 13. work and childcare costs will be huge. I do need to find something to do for when the 5 year old reaches 18. heavens knows what. I haven't worked for 22 years! By the time my 5 year old reaches 18 I'll be in my 60's. sobering thought! I suppose working in a school could be an option.

so scary when your husband decides to have a midlife crisis and leaves when you're approaching your 50's !

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 20-Jan-13 09:19:33

You need to consider training and going back to work now that youngest is at school even its it voluntary work. It will be good for your self esteem and enable you to meet people and be less dependent on him.

As for the properties, you are entitled to at least 50% of these. I would talk to your solicitor again about getting him out - surely he can afford to rent somewhere on his big fat salary.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 12:38:53

madge why do you want to delay working you need to start thinking voluntary work now
if youngest is 5yo at school use that time,online search will do it,what interests you
you cannot seriously be saying no work til 5yo us 18. your circumstance has change you're not a housewife anymore

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: