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Husband had a lap dance....?!?

(595 Posts)
Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 01:55:08

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
H x

DoIlooklikeapeopleperson Sat 01-Dec-12 13:24:02

I'm sorry, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but from what you've said I wouldn't be married to him. He sounds like a sleazy creep.


Hitchy83 Mon 03-Dec-12 09:27:14

Just wanted to update you all, I had a chat with my hubby on Saturday night and told him how I'd been feeling re my body, the lap dance and his picture messages to his mate. Think it had stemed a lot from my insecurities about my body image now and how the idea of a lap dancer and these pictures of celebrities had been making me compare myself to them in my husbands eyes. He was really surprised I felt the way I did, he reminded me its only been 6 weeks and that I had to goe myself time to adjust. He told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of our beautiful baby boy and that no one could compare to me in this way. He did say te picture messages were just boy ish fun and that they didn't mean anything, as did the lapdance. He didn't go into any details which I think may have been for the best, but he reasured me nothing happened, it was a one off, he'd never do it again and he doesn't think about it since. He was really sincere and was genuinely upset that I was getting myself worked up about it all. He made me feel so much better, know how much I love him and that this has just been a hormonal hiccup (obv not helped by some of his actions but nevertheless!).

Thanks again for all your comments, think talking to hubby was best thing I could of done to get it all in the open rather than me suffering in silence!

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 03-Dec-12 10:04:27

Well done on having that chat.

Did you challenge him about his views of women and sex? his lack of respect, the porn pics etc?

Remember that its so easy for them to say some pretty words, cry a few tears and then all can go back to normal.

Remember that actions speak louder than words - are these matching up to what he has told you?

dequoisagitil Mon 03-Dec-12 10:17:24

Boyish fun is leching over & judging women's bodies like commodities, is it?

Hitchy83 Mon 03-Dec-12 10:33:11

To be fair to him I know the lap dance was a one off, it's not somewhere hes likely to go again, especially knowing how much it's hurt me (yes he should of known before that tho!). He may be oogling images of women but who am I to say I never look at those pictures of David beckham in his underwear adverts for h&m! He's not your average bloke, he doesn't drink so no coming home from the pub drunk! His idea of a great time with his mate is them going fishing all day! So the worst I have is having to wash smelly fishy clothing! I think his stag do was him trying to do the bloke things that were expected of him, in reality he's never been like this and never probably will again! He's a good un really, just a bit misguided on his stag do!! (Lol next thing ill be saying he had his eyes closed the whole time during the lap dance!)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:10:13

Hitchy, wouldn't you rather be married to a man than a boy ?

Charbon Mon 03-Dec-12 13:05:21

God these threads are a depressing read......cognitive dissonance right before your eyes.

All the time there are women who believe that pretty words said to their face are more truthful than what's said out of their hearing, the men uttering them will continue to walk all over them and treat them like idiots who are only fit to wash their smelly clothes - or titillate them for money.

Kaluki Mon 03-Dec-12 19:00:36

This thread is depressing because everyone jumps on the OP telling her they know her DH better than she does.
Men make mistakes so do women. One lap dance shouldn't mean divorce!
How many threads are there on MN where we all say which male celebs we fancy (I've been known to have a good ogle look at Brad Pitts six pack from his Fight Club days on a thread on here)
No matter what the OP says now her DH has been written off as a misogynist sexist pig who objectifies women rather than a man who made one error of judgement and has been a bit thoughtless looking at pictures while his wife is feeling insecure about her body.
OP I'm glad you spoke to him and sorted it out smile

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 03-Dec-12 19:30:36


OP's DH bought sexual services which is very different from ogling a male celeb hmm men (and women)who think its ok to treat women as commodities to be bought have warped views of sex and women.

Hitchy83 Mon 03-Dec-12 22:39:28

Thanks kaluki, DH knows he's done wrong but has in my mind now reassured me how it was regarded as a bit of a laugh and nothing else. He's not a sexist pig, he is a loving husband and now father to our son. What he did upset me, including the picture messages but at the end of the day our relationship is really strong as is our sexual relationship, even following the birth of our son and my insecurities about my new found belly and accompanying stretch marks! As you say sometimes the good uns make mistakes, but only I know the sincerity of his apology and his past history which I can take into consideration. I was never going to write him off for it, just wanted some advice how to deal with it and raise the issue with him, and also checking other women's opinions of the situation. Everyone sees things differently depending on your own experiences, so it's been useful to see from every angle!

JudyPee Tue 04-Dec-12 01:28:39

"Your husband and his mate think they are entitled to pay for sexual services on a night out."

Go on, be a bit more dramatic why dont you. What utter bs.

OP: Your silly arse of a hubby should have been straight with you and the text exchange sounds very teenage. But a lap dance in an of itself? I suggest getting over it but making it very clear to DH why you've a hard time with it.

Plenty of blokes do these things it does t make them misogynistic wankers overnight.

izzyizin Tue 04-Dec-12 01:49:58

You're right, JudyP. It takes considerable practice for blokes like the OP's dh to become msogynistic wankers but they all begin their training by being tossers for a night.

Charbon Tue 04-Dec-12 02:04:08

Izzy it seems this 'new' poster has been spouting all kinds of bile of the handmaiden/misogynist variety on the Relationships board tonight, although s/he was moved to post on an ancient thread in Style and Beauty entitled "Is it Acceptable to Go Knickerless?" and was particularly keen to hear from the OP who last contributed to the thread in February, whether her husband had enjoyed the commando experience.......

izzyizin Tue 04-Dec-12 02:38:41

Cheers for the heads up, Charbon - after rising to the bait adding my earlier contribution to this thread I realised the 'new' poster on the block hails from Stepford had been round it a few times tonight.

<takes self off to check out commando dressing tips on S&M S&B>

stuffitunderthebed Tue 04-Dec-12 06:56:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hitchy83 Tue 04-Dec-12 07:40:06

Not me StuffIt, think they're talking about someone else who responded!

Your advice was much appreciated and one of the most sensible responses (ie not saying I should divorce my husband for being a sexist pig!), so thank you x

Hitchy83 Tue 04-Dec-12 07:53:32

But if they are referring to judypee, which appears they are, I actually thought her advice made sense (if she had meant doesn't rather than does in her last sentence!)

Fairenuff Tue 04-Dec-12 08:15:00

The major problem I would have with this (apart from the attitude to women in general of course) is that your DH didn't tell you about it because he knew you would be upset. But he did it anyway. That says volumes about how he feels about you. Sorry OP.

mcmooncup Tue 04-Dec-12 10:24:56

In your OP you referred to the lapdancer as gyrating in their lingerie.

It is more likely (99.999999%) that she was in fact totally naked and gyrating her vagina in his face.

Kaluki Tue 04-Dec-12 11:21:44

I thought JudyPee made sense too.
I also thought it was bad form to chase people from thread to thread because you don't agree with their views as is troll hunting.
Madaboutchoc - The paying for the lap dance was ONE mistake which he clearly regrets. I was comparing the threads on here to his text messages to his friend, which again isn't a hanging offence if he is otherwise a good husband.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 04-Dec-12 11:33:30

<bangs wall>

So swopping sexist texts in the name of "boyish fun" does not suggest he is NOT sexist or respectful? hmm

Hitchy - of course you would see Judypee's post that way. Much easier than having to face up to the reality of your DH as someone who is immature with disrespectful views of women.

Daddy73 Tue 04-Dec-12 11:36:22

OMG can everyone just calm down. Some of the replys I'm seeing are just outrageous. Your man is not laughing at you or viewing women as sexual objects. Lets look at the facts, this 3min lapdance was 3yrs ago on his own stag-do, hardly the end of the world, if you find out your fella is going every week and spending the family savings then its time to worry. Ofcourse I'm not suggesting that you lighten up or be overjoyed at what you think is a betrayal of trust I just think that in the greater scheme of things there are far more important things to be concerned with and believe me this is NOT one of them.

mcmooncup Tue 04-Dec-12 11:42:01

What is more important in a marriage than to be viewed as an equal and with respect, daddy73 ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 04-Dec-12 11:51:27

In your opinion, daddy73.

Kaluki Tue 04-Dec-12 11:52:22

All I am saying is that swapping texts with a friend isn't cause for divorce nor is a ONE OFF mistake on a stag night.
You can't write off the OPs whole marriage based on this.
She has said herself that they have a good relationship and he is a good man (albeit one who can be an idiot at times) but obviously you know him better than his own wife and have decreed that the OP is being mistreated by a sexist disrespectful pig and should leave him now.
Just get a bit of perspective and stop projecting.

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