Reposting - was on train and post did not seem to appear apols if this is duplicated.
I posted a few weeks ago about a fling I had while overseas. The problem is that unlike other women who have affairs where there always seems to be a reason there isn't in my case. My husband is kind, a good father, we have a good sex life, etc (don't want to sound smug but just trying to understand) That affair won't continue - but I am really struggling with getting thoughts of him out of my head, and worse, craving more of that sort of excitement.
Since sleeping with that OM I have really been struggling with unwanted thoughts about sex with other men. Trying to recapture some of that thrill that I felt when another man looked at me with desire. I am looking at men on trains, men I meet professionally, etc and fantasising about what it would be like to sleep with them. Wondering how I would go about chatting them up etc. This makes me sound really weird. I never felt like this before its like a genie has come out of a bottle and its exhausting and depressing trying to put it back in. For 20 years I never felt like this (had some very brief crushes but they went away quickly, never acted on, and prior to getting married I was pretty much serially monogamous) and I accepted the inevitable loss of that overwhelming loin melting desire as part of growing up becoming an adult and making a life with someone - my husband who I love. So why has it come back now and so strongly? What practical advice do women of my age (late 40s) who are in long term relationships they have no wish to leave to help them deal with this?
I have tried so far going to a counsellor (not that helpful. Basically "get a hobby".) I already have an extremely challenging and satisfying job, lots of other activities and challenges that I am involved with both with and without my h,) other advice such as retail therapy and pampering don't help at all, if for eg I am having a massage all that happens is my mind isn't distracted and I start replaying all the scenarios with the OM. Also can't really see how to spice up my sex life more, we already have pushed boundaries and experimented, the sex we have is satisfying and enjoyable - but even so....it is still not and can never be the same as that novelty of someone else wanting you and finding you attractive. After all that mad knee trembling excitement with a new person never lasts longer a few months - it can't once you see the day to day reality of living with someone.
I do spend time with my h without the kids, thats lovely and its not that we don't have enough time for each other. I genuinely can't find anything that can distract me enough to prevent these thoughts popping up into my head. What I don't understand is how this is an issue now, and I also desperately want to know will it go away? Will I get over it? Do other women experience this and if so what strategies do you have for distracting yourself other than those I have mentioned already? Is this normal in any long term relationship, even happy ones with good sex lives? People don't really talk about this. Usually the advice is, leave, find someone else, I don't want to leave, I just don't want to be tortured and feel like I am constantly fighting off the urgings of some weird sex demon in my head telling me to do totally inappropriate stuff.
I suspect the advice I will get will be grow up and get over yourself. Well obviously. :)
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Weird thoughts in head about sex and men. Is it my age? Is it hormones? Is it menopause? advice needed please
scorpiomyrtlock · 29/10/2012 10:29
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