Weird thoughts in head about sex and men. Is it my age? Is it hormones? Is it menopause? advice needed please

[scorpiomyrtlock]

Reposting - was on train and post did not seem to appear apols if this is duplicated.

I posted a few weeks ago about a fling I had while overseas. The problem is that unlike other women who have affairs where there always seems to be a reason there isn't in my case. My husband is kind, a good father, we have a good sex life, etc (don't want to sound smug but just trying to understand) That affair won't continue - but I am really struggling with getting thoughts of him out of my head, and worse, craving more of that sort of excitement.

Since sleeping with that OM I have really been struggling with unwanted thoughts about sex with other men. Trying to recapture some of that thrill that I felt when another man looked at me with desire. I am looking at men on trains, men I meet professionally, etc and fantasising about what it would be like to sleep with them. Wondering how I would go about chatting them up etc. This makes me sound really weird. I never felt like this before its like a genie has come out of a bottle and its exhausting and depressing trying to put it back in. For 20 years I never felt like this (had some very brief crushes but they went away quickly, never acted on, and prior to getting married I was pretty much serially monogamous) and I accepted the inevitable loss of that overwhelming loin melting desire as part of growing up becoming an adult and making a life with someone - my husband who I love. So why has it come back now and so strongly? What practical advice do women of my age (late 40s) who are in long term relationships they have no wish to leave to help them deal with this?

I have tried so far going to a counsellor (not that helpful. Basically "get a hobby".) I already have an extremely challenging and satisfying job, lots of other activities and challenges that I am involved with both with and without my h,) other advice such as retail therapy and pampering don't help at all, if for eg I am having a massage all that happens is my mind isn't distracted and I start replaying all the scenarios with the OM. Also can't really see how to spice up my sex life more, we already have pushed boundaries and experimented, the sex we have is satisfying and enjoyable - but even so....it is still not and can never be the same as that novelty of someone else wanting you and finding you attractive. After all that mad knee trembling excitement with a new person never lasts longer a few months - it can't once you see the day to day reality of living with someone.

I do spend time with my h without the kids, thats lovely and its not that we don't have enough time for each other. I genuinely can't find anything that can distract me enough to prevent these thoughts popping up into my head. What I don't understand is how this is an issue now, and I also desperately want to know will it go away? Will I get over it? Do other women experience this and if so what strategies do you have for distracting yourself other than those I have mentioned already? Is this normal in any long term relationship, even happy ones with good sex lives? People don't really talk about this. Usually the advice is, leave, find someone else, I don't want to leave, I just don't want to be tortured and feel like I am constantly fighting off the urgings of some weird sex demon in my head telling me to do totally inappropriate stuff.

I suspect the advice I will get will be grow up and get over yourself. Well obviously. :)

I am nearer 50 than 40 and have been married a long time.

I think your feelings are normal. I didn't reach my sexual peak until I was 35 (I'm textbook, me) and since then it's been rising and rising and shows no signs of slowing down yet. I think about other men and fantasize...doesn't everybody ? I try to channel it into my sex life, as I'm sure my H does with his own personal fantasies and we have become much more adventurous and erm, prolific in recent years. If my marriage ends for any reason, I would not be monogamous again in the future, however.

I was on your other thread so will park my opinions about infidelity right there.

However, I do think it is this incident that has caused what I believe to be the last "fling" of your mate-attracting hormones to get out of control. I feel bad for you (and of course your H), that it appears to have spoiled what could have been an absolutely brilliant time for your marriage.

You say your marriage is great (others will not agree), but these intrusive thoughts are taking over, so you are not great and reading between the lines, you seem frightened you will put your marriage at risk again now Pandora's Box has been opened.

What's done is done, though, and as you fully admit it is your issue to come to terms with. I would be interested to see if you do go ahead in asking if your H would consider opening up your marriage. If he is anything like mine, he would be very, very upset and I believe would sound the death-knell for it. There really is no going back from a scenario like that.

I think buried in there in my rather waffly post there is an element of "pull yourself together, woman" sentiments

and what OHF said...make the most of these highly-sexed years with your husband

don't wreck your marriage for the sexual thrills...when this phase passes you don't want to look around you and see you have lost everything for the sake of something so fleeting

what mutny said.

I would say what you're going through is definitely in large part hormonal OP, and please don't think that's not normal because it's clear from people posting here that it fits within the normal range of human experience.

I honestly don't think it serves any purpose to tell your DH about the fling. You're best just focussing on where you see things going, whether it involves leaving or staying or various options in between. What you need to do is open the lines of communication here and maybe give your DH some inkling of how you're feeling.

Counting friends - you have summed it up very well, this is exactly it.

Welcome to the world of the long term married!

What you are all highlighting is that there is no answer really - and that it is a matter of living with it.

Really not sure about where this goes with my husband. I think I need to talk more to a counsellor first. When I think about talking to my husband and possibilities about group sex etc, I don't think that would be particularly appealing...because it wasn't really the sex itself that was appealing about the brief fling, but more the flirting, the leading up to it....etc which (I presume) wouldn't happen in a group sex situation. Better stop this post now before it gets too weird.

You see that's the impression I'd gained from your first thread. That it wasn't the sex itself, but the flirting, intrigue and the promise of it, together with the feelings of being desirable to a new person. So I was surprised when you replied today that it was having new sex itself.

Although I understand why you've been considering an open marriage because you thought that was the fairest thing to do, it doesn't sound as though that would meet your needs either, or that you would be able to compartmentalise. Open relationships aren't just about group sex or swinging though; they often involve very private one-to-one relationships. But flirting and the build-up to sex, which usually involves sexting and sharing fantasies, requires quite an investment of time and emotions. You might be someone with infinite capacity for that and would find that this investment won't collaterally damage the time and emotions you invest in your marriage, family and other pursuits - but you might not.

I'm glad you're thinking of trying a different counsellor. Can I suggest you aim for one with from the psychodynamic modality with psychosexuality as a specialism?

Charbon thank you for your advice. You are very kind to spend so much time to help someone you don't know. I'm curious - are you a counsellor yourself? You seem to speak with knowledge and experience and a lot of self awareness. Or maybe you have had counselling?
Anyway I have am struggling to get any counsellor on the COSRT website (recommended on MN) to actually respond to emails. Calling them is difficult due to extremely hectic work schedule and finding quiet place to do so etc. I have so far emailed 6 and none responded. Very frustrating. Do you recommend any other source of info?