Can things be worse than before ..really?

[imdoingthis]

I left ex with our dc been 5 months away from him, I feel that maybe the break will have made him see how how unhappy I was, maybe he will see now and change because he can see what hes lost?
I feel like its been long enough,I miss him I miss my old life, i feel sorry for him I know its silly I dont want anyone else to be in my place even i it was not a good place
maybe this makes no sence at all feeling lost but this feels right?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Hang on in there. Apparently people who return to abusive relationships often do so around the six month time, so its a vulnerable time. Things do get better. I have been 'away' since the end of October. It's been hard, continues to be so, but I believe I will be happy one day. You will be too, if you give yourself the chance.

[ImperialBlether]

Do you want to tell us why you left?

[izzyizin]

What contact have you had with him since you left? Has he said or done anything to make you think that he's changed?

[imdoingthis]

I left him because he got me to a piont were I couldnt see a way out I was so unhappy, he controled my life really, but this could be the shock he needs to see what he put me through maybe?

Hes changed with the dc hes being nice to them now ,how he should of been before.We havnt had much contact,we carnt but he seems calmer now.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

This sounds like Emotional Abuse...I thought that after my not so dh had had his time in the wilderness, ie been chucked out of the marital home, that he would realise.... I thought he might have changed, but it became obvious, before we had got back together thankfully, that he still was a liar, abusive, was minimising his abuse of me and dd.... This might not be the same for you, but is there someone you trust you could talk to, or speak to someone at Relate? They will see you on your own, if that's what you want.

[izzyizin]

Why can't you have much contact with him? Have the police been involved?

Just as leopards are not noted for changing their spots, controlling men are not noted for changing their ways without years of therapy and any calm he currently displays may be forced, or of the type that is 'before the storm'.

If he controlled your life it's probable that you became conditioned to not thinking for yourself and that part of you is longing to be dictated to again - it's so much easier that way, isn't it?

As you've only been 'out from under' for 5 months, you're best advised to persevere with building a life where you are in control of your own destiny and are not reliant on any one else to tell you how it should be lived or what you can/cannot do.

[ImperialBlether]

If you haven't had much contact with him, you really have no idea whether he's changed.

I think he's manipulated you so that you don't know your own mind about him. Have you thought of having counselling?

[imdoingthis]

hes on bail.
I dont feel I know what to do apart from feel scared and frightened and lost,need to get back to normal I think.
But whats normal I have no idea but back to how things were maybe?

izzyizin yeah it feels safer that way,I need need easyer / safer, anything but feeling like this.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I'm is Normal good enough for you, really?

[Anniegetyourgun]

What they said. You've had time to forget the worst of it and start to remember the good times from longer ago. Things aren't amazingly easy on your own so you get a bit nostalgic for when someone else was taking the decisions off your shoulders. There is absolutely no guarantee that ex has changed his character in any significant way, he's just behaving fairly well in short spurts. Were you to get back to your old situation it's ten to a penny he'd be back to his old ways in a matter of weeks. It will take a lot, lot longer than five months to prove whether he really has changed.

[izzyizin]

If he's on bail in connection with offences against you, he's not calm and he's certainly not changed. He's simply keeping his true nature under wraps and, if you are who I think you are, you know damn well that if you go back to living with him your life and that of your dc won't be worth living.

The life you had with him wasn't 'normal' because he isn't 'normal'.

What you can have without him is the peace of mind and security that comes from knowing that you don't need him or anyone else to dictate to you and that you're more than capable of coping on your own - and when you get to that place you'll realise just how abnormal your life with him was.

It'll take time but now you're not catering to his every whim, you've got plenty of time to spare and you can afford to spend some of it on yourself.

Get together with friends and widen your social circle. Do the things that you longed to do when he wouldn't let you express yourself in any way that didn't accord with his tyranny over you and the dc.

Every time you engage in normal social intercourse wth others, or choose what dvds/programmes to watch on tv, or leave the chores until 'later', think on how sweet your newfound freedom of choice is.

It's inevitable that he'll find another vulnerable woman to use, abuse, and ill-treat. When he does, feel sorry for her and be thankful that he no longer has the power to mistreat you.

[imdoingthis]

Truth is im lost without his normal without what we know, how am I ment to get to know what to do, how to get on and how to get over him because I carnt.
I want to be that woman because Im jelouse of someone taking my place.

Im not doing this well, and maybe this break may have changed him a little, enough for him to see what he had and what hes lost.

[oikopolis]

it sounds to me like you are in a lot of danger from this man, and you need help keeping away from him.

have you done the Freedom Programme through Women's Aid yet? that will help you a lot. you can find a new normal. a life where you don't have to rely on a violent man, someone who will hurt you over and over again.

[izzyizin]

NOTHING is going to change him and all he can see is that he lost a possession because he never saw you as being anything other than something he owned.

After years of being dominated and brutalised by him, and of watching him mistreat your dc, you had an awakening during which the feisty young woman you were before you met him began to reassert herself.

You have got to keep the channel open so that young woman can continue to come through and grow as she would have done if she hadn't met a pervert and become entrapped in his sick and twisted world.

He groomed you and moulded you to become an object of his making but after many years and, against all the odds, you broke the mould - now you need to stamp on it and smash it to smithereens so that it can never encase you again.

You know that for the sake of your dc you HAVE to move forward and create a life free of his unhealthy influence.

If you allow mental or emotional laziness or misguided sentiment to get the better of you and return to the prison he kept you in, you will be consigning your dc to lives of unimaginable deprivation and degredation.

It may seem as if I'm being hard on you, but you have to be hard on yourself as only you can prevent a long cycle of incest and abuse being handed down through your dc to future generations.

Get all the therapeutic help you need; talk to anyone/everyone and especially the police about what he is really like. Don't mince your words. And check out the 'Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3' on this board.

You can do it, honey, and you HAVE to get through this and move way beyond the place he kept you in mentally and physically.

[cestlavielife]

there is ahelp out there fo you via womens aid or counsellor on nhs via GP. go talk to someone . it's so important .

[bleedingheart]

Please don't go back, please follow the excellent advice on this thread. Please find someone you can talk this through with. You can do this.

[NicknameTaken]

Listen to izzy - she is wise. Freedom is scary, I understand. And if it was just about you, hey, it's your perogative to live a shitty life. But it's not just about you - you've got to do better for the sake of your dcs.

It's hard to do it alone. Are there any real life allies you can call on? Try Women's Aid.

And I'm sorry to say, no, he won't realize what he's been missing since you've been gone. It's like a washing machine breaking down and then getting fixed. He'll just feel he's entitled to be angry at the temporary loss of services. Other people's pain doesn't matter to men like this. It's all about them and what they feel entitled to.

[boringnickname]

He sounds like a real catch run, run away and don't look back - you deserve more than this man. Start thinking about things YOU want to do with your life and how to make that happen. You have already acheived so much and got away from him. If you go back to him you will be trapped for ever.

What is he on bail for? He sounds scary

[imdoingthis]

Thanks for replys,Its so hard to explaine how 'adicted' I feel to him it, I feel like Im physicaly craving him/it so its very hard not to want to go back.

I know I carnt do this anymore Im at the end, Im exhausted and just feel the way its going, I know how I feel and I how my thoughts are, dispite the amount of amazing help I have had no one can do this for me can they? its me sailing this ship now just not very well and any waves that come along are enough to send me overboard, this probably isnt making any sense at all but its helped 'talking'

basicaly im shit scared of going back but I dont know another way to go I guess Im stuck.

apologies for this rambling mess but it helps x

[glastocat]

Oh love,keep talking on here,reach out to people so they can help you stay away from this evil man. People will help you,this is no way to live.

[imdoingthis]

thanks I really KNOW your right it no way to live but Im struggling alot with 'reality' and what to do I keep messing things up but I feel stuck carnt go forward so must go back, its the only thing I know how to do.

[foolonthehill]

Don't go back.

Hang on to your little boat in the storm.

Accept all offers of help with gratitude.

If you go back you will find that he will not have changed for the better, in fact much more likely for worse because he knows he's really "got" you.

It will get better, you will cope and you will find a way to be without him and it will be GOOD.

You have not even given yourself time to get over the initial hurt and shock yet.

OH yes and don't go back please

xxfool (((((hug)))))

[ThePinkPussycat]

Messing up is part of life, it is much better to make your own decisions, and learn from the outcomes, you will get better and more confident, and sometimes unexpected opportunities arise because things haven't gone to plan.

[imdoingthis]

thankyou Im clinging on to the lifeboat with one hand

pink Im messing up smallest of things like running out of petrol not sorting bills, getting lost in my car at night with my dc going the wrong way on a motorway, but I did it in the end , its the feeling of oh I have f*ed up again that didnt happen when I was with him.