Married 22 years and husband has left - is there another woman?

[Jo61]

In February my husband just walked out on me and my 13 year old son. Things had not been great between us but there was no indication that the relationship had deteriorated completely. Looking back he had been slowly detatching himself and preparing to leave over a number of months. After about three months of him leaving I persuaded him to go to counselling. On is own to start with and then together with me.

At the moment he claims that he is really undecided about if we should try again but happily goes along to the counselling that I pay for. But he still making no real moves to recover our relationship. The only thing he does is call me frequently, twice a day sometimes, I wonder if this might be guilt.

My son discovered a few womens clothes left in his house a couple of weeks ago when he went over while his dad was away. My husband had a convoluted story as to why they were there. He has also been away for weekends camping, where there is conveniently no telephone signal. Last weekend, he claimed he was away on a course. I checked the website of the training provider and there was no course. Is there another 'significant other' in his life or am I just paranoid and jumping to conclusions?

[VivaLeBeaver]

Sorry to say but I think your suspicions are probably right.

[GypsyMoth]

Could the women's clothes have actually been his?

[Jo61]

:) not a chance they were his!

[mathanxiety]

Does it matter?

What I mean is that despite going to the counselling and calling you twice a day, he has moved out and is settled into a life without you, and worse, he doesn't seem to have bothered honouring you by giving you any explanation for it whatsoever.

I think the part where he didn't give you any reason is worse than any possible reason there might be. Shows a real lack of respect for both you and your relationship.

[AnyPhantomFucker]

Yes, it is highly likely

Sorry

[catsrus]

mine (24 yrs) left in Dec - "no other woman" - he's currently on his honeymoon!

I have discovered (mainly from MN) that men generally don't leave 20+ yrs marriages unless there is a female catalyst - and the pattern is very predictable (they lie!!!) - so be prepared that this is probably the case.

Knowing that will give you the advantage of not being caught off guard when (if) it finally all comes out.

good luck - and stay on MN, lots of great advice and support!

[Jo61]

Thanks catsrus. How are you coping? I think that I am proably hanging on too long hoping that things will sort themselves out!

[steelchic]

Hi, I'm sorry to say I think he probably does have someone else. My situation is similar H moved out in Feb we too went to councelling. He was also undecided about us getting back together. He also called me alot took me out for dinner (on our own away from DC's). He too had been detaching from me and the family for months before he left.
I was in denial like you but he has having his cake and eating it. Having me and the DC's in one home and his GF in another.
I agree with Mathanxiety he is showing you a total lack of respect.
Please read through my thread and others and you will find out your not alone
Good luck I know it's hard but you will get through it

Take care xx

[StepfordWannabe]

Definitely another woman - sorry hon xx

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Love your new name APF - it suits you and has a certain cachet, a kind of surreal je ne sais quois.

I'm sorry to have to say, Jo, there's a phantom in your life too namely, the invisible woman that your h has been involved with most probably for over a year now.

You're best advised to save your money and avail yourself of a free half an hour session with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law. That should concentrate your h's mind and put you out of the misery of not knowing what he wants a lot quicker than endless chat with a counsellor at your expense.

Plus it will stop the fucker (no disrespect to APF) keeping one foot in your door while planting another part of his anatomy in another woman.

[AnyPhantomFucker]

why thank you kind izzy

and where is your seasonal namechange, pray tell ?

[steelchic]

Oh Catsrus, I'm so sorry I hope your OK, Why are men such shits and liers.
My H and his OW (how didn't exist) are currently expecting a baby in the next couple of months !!! My DC's don't even know she exists never mind she is having a baby (he is telling them on Friday, although I think he would have prefered to lead a double life, even although they have bought a house a couple of miles away from here)
Take care I hope you get through this (and I hope they have a crap honeymoon) xx

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I'm working on it APF, My new improved persona will be unveiled at the earliest opportunity as soon as I can remember my log-in password

[Jo61]

Thanks for your thoughts and support. It is a shit time and this has really hit me hard - low self esteem, bordering on depression.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

If you're feelling depressed please don't hesitate to go to your GP and get ADs or a referral for NHS counselling before you spiral downwards.

Other than your marriage, are there are other issues - perhaps from way back - that may be contributing to your current feelings of depression and low self-esteem? Have you suffered from depression in the past and, if so, have you ever held yourself in high esteem?

[steelchic]

I know how you are feeling. I know it will have hit you hard. The low self esteem is natural. But please please don't blame yourself for any of this. Its not your fault. Its his, probably a mid life crisis My H is 45 (I'm 48) I think he thought the grass would be greener on the other side, he could have his family and a single life (with her) but she's trapped him (shes 40 no kids and could hear the clock ticking) so he is to be a dad again at 45!!.
Please look after youself you deserve more. Keep posing on MN we all know how you feel and you will be given good advice and support.
Build a new life for you and your DC
It does get better a few months ago I cried every day. Now its maybe once a week( usually when I think of him, her and their baby I feel physically sick that he has left such a mess here and can go to his cosy little home and play happy families) . You will have good days and bad days but it will get better
xx

[mathanxiety]

Being toyed with (the counselling and the phone calls) and left dangling (no explanation/honesty) are guaranteed to do a number on your self esteem and even leave you depressed.

[Landedgentry]

Hi Jo, I think there is definitely another woman.

He is being so cruel though because it looks like he's hedging his bets and wants you as a back-up plan when it fails with her. That's why he won't tell you why he left and is why he rings so often and physically turns up to counselling, but isn't "there" in spirit.

The problem is, you're propping him up here and enabling him not standing on his own two feet. It's likely that you're both meeting his needs between you and so there's no urgency to choose.

Whereas if you told him that you've given him 8 months now to get his act together and want a clean break, you might see a difference in him. But even then, it'd never work unless he was honest with you about the affair.

Get some help for the depression before it overwhelms you and start getting tough and ballsy with him, even if you don't mean it or feel it.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

Whad'ya reckon APF - does it suit moi?

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

Apologies Jo - I couldn't resist wanting to see my new persona in print.

BTW, he'll lie and deny and lie some more and deny again and again but, eventually, the truth will out.

Maybe you can pay an unexpected visit to him one evening, or on a Sat/Sun morning when ds isn't staying over? If your suspicions are not confirmed immediately there's no reason to chuck them in the bin - save them for another visit, and keep the asshole fearing that you'll discover the truth any time.

As Landedgentry's said, start getting tough and ballsy with him - he's got away with far too much and it's high time you put a stop to it.

Once you realise the extent to which he's played you, you will be sad, then you'll get mad and then, with the help of countless women on this board who've experienced, and are experiencing, what you're going through, you will get even - and your revenge will be sweet. Let's drink to that happy day now because I promise you, it will happen.

[Thzumbiewitch]

oh Jo - so sorry, I have to agree with everyone else - men of his age don't usually leave a longterm marriage/relationship unless there's another person involved (sometimes they have a mental breakdown instead but that doesn't sound likely from what you've said).

The signs are too strong to gloss over, especially clothes in his house.
Stop paying for counselling for him - he's having a laugh at your expense.
Tell him that you want the truth - it's the least you deserve after so many years together.
And then bin his sorry arse - let him go to his OW for comfort - your Comforting Wife Bank is closed. He's just hedging his bets at the moment - and doing you no favours at all. You are the fallback position - the consolation prize if the OW suddenly doesn't work out for whatever reason - is that where you want to be in his mind? If not, then he has to learn the hard way that you don't get to mess with the woman you have spent over 2 decades married to.

Go for the tough questions - and good luck.

(APF - love it, and izzywhizzy, good namechange :))

[ChildofIsis]

My h left me for another woman, I did get a full confession.
Mind you they've been together 2.5 yrs and have an 18mnth old, so I was completely in the dark, this woman is part of our circle of friends too!

He's been nicer to me since he'd left then he had been in months.
He's nothing to hide anymore and can afford to be 'nice' he's had his cake and is still eating it.
It seems to be a trend amongst 40 somethings in lonf term relationships that they can't move on till the new life is established.

They're all cowardly twats who only think about themselves.
And it's not about sex, it's to do with control and power.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

Ye gods, steelchic and Isis, I so feel for you - I want to gather you up and wrap you in comforting blankets, and hold you tight and tell you to have absolute faith and belief in yourself and KNOW that you WILL come through this - and that, although you don't feel like laughing now, one day soon you WILL have the last laugh.

These self-obsessed, selfish, self-centred, twunts are unfuckingbelievable. The arrogance. The gall. The total lack of shame. How dare they!!!

And as for playing happy families - you and I know that the one thing they'll never have is a happy family.

Loving your change of name too Thzumbie

[ChildofIsis]

Thank you Izzy, I know you're right. Sometimes it's hard to see a way out of the shit he's dragging me and DD through.
However I'm a gardener so I know what to do with shit, put it round the plants and next year they'll be bigger and better than ever!

I am eagerly looking forward to the day when he admits that he was wrong. It may take time but I know it will happen.

In the meantime I'm getting all the work done on the house that he's not done and the bills are going to him.
He's cleared all his crap out of the large attic so I'm making it into a bedroom for me, then DD can go into my room which is twice as big as her room now and we'll have an office too.
I get the house layout I want without having to move and leave my lovely house and all my trees in the garden.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

I've just been reading your contributions on vole's thread, Isis, and thought that Jo may find it of some help:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1257171-I-cant-believe-hes-gone

Give it time, honey, and you and dd WILL thrive - and he'll be in the shit, if he's not already.

I'm so sorry you've got it all to go through Jo but there are many inspiring stories on this board that will help you do what you have to do.

And please know that you'll always find comfort and warmth and wit and humour here, and you'll never need feel that you're alone because there'll always be someone who'll know exactly where you're at - even if it is at silly o'clock in the morning.