how to find out if he's interested

[cantstandthenoise]

I am a single mum with a 7 year old dd. I'm 42 but think I'm still quite attractive and am often asked out/propositioned etc but unfortunately not usually men I'm attracted to.

Recently I've met a man through my daughter's friend's mum who I really fancy and a few times we've all been out in a group for a meal or a few drinks. I know he's single and we've chatted a bit but not much. I suppose he's not interested in me or he'd have asked me out/shown an interest but my friend says that he's very shy.

I saw him this evening at a party at her house and again no vibes so I should give up. The trouble is I'm no good at giving off vibes that I'm interested or flirting so I just don't know. My friend says that if the opportunity comes up (as she is friends with him) she'll bring up the subject of him being single one day and say 'what about cantstandthenoise?'.

Do you think this is a good idea or pointless? My experience is that if a man is interested he makes it clear.

[cantstandthenoise]

.

[ripitupandstartagain]

More info needed - why did you feel there were no vibes this evening? Your friend thinks he might like you?

[buzzskeleton]

It can't do any harm if it doesn't do any good, surely? The worst that can happen is that he'll say 'nah, don't think she's my type' to your friend and you'll have your answer.

I can't see that you have anything to lose.

[madonnawhore]

See, this is when I think things like facebook can be useful. Maybe invite him as a friend? Then you can test the water with some flirty instant chat.

Social media can be such a good ice breaker* sometimes.


*Could also be argued it's for the socially inept!

[cantstandthenoise]

The reason I felt there were no vibes this evening was because apart from the odd pleasantry we didn't chat with each other and we haven't on previous occasions. My friend has no idea if he is interested or not (she knows him because he works with her husband but they all often go out as a group and have all known each other for years)

[cerealqueen]

Not always...sometimes they need a bit of encouragement!

I'm all for your friend putting in a good word, its exactly how I got together with my DP, mutual friend suggested he ask me out and he did. Together six years, one Dc, another on the way!

Keep us posted!

[cantstandthenoise]

I would facebook him, I have thought of that! but neither my friend nor her husband are on facebook so I would have had to have randomly looked him up (and have to find out his last name from her) which would all look a bit stalkerish!

[madonnawhore]

Ah, yes. Stalkerish is not a good look, that's true.

Think your friend needs to fulfill some wingwoman duties.

[cantstandthenoise]

yes, I hope when she gets a chance she will do that but am feeling a bit despondant as we don't see each other often and tonight was exactly a success.

[cantstandthenoise]

I mean him and I don't see each other often and tonight wasn't exactly a success.

[ScareyFairenuff]

I think you probably built up in your mind what could have happened and now you feel a bit flat because it didn't. But if your friend can at least find out if he would be interested in getting to know you better, then you can see where it leads. Why are you so attracted to him without having really spoken to him? Are you going just on looks at this stage.

[cantstandthenoise]

yes I'm afraid it's mostly looks at this stage. I don't really know him at all but he seems quite amusing and he does seem shy. He doesn't have children though (and is my age) and nearly always sees me with my DD, maybe he's not interested in someone with a child.

[pink4ever]

He's not interested.

[cantstandthenoise]

yes that's what I think too but it's not knowing that's frustrating.

[ScareyFairenuff]

Could you get his number from your friend and call him yourself tomorrow. Say, we didn't really get to talk much yesterday, would you like to meet up for a coffee sometime?

Or does that frighten the living daylights out of you

[cantstandthenoise]

err yes that frightens the living daylights out of me!!! could possibly manage it if I wouldn't bump into him again if he said no but I see him every now and then at her house etc and it would be very embarrassing. Possibly he already knows I fancy him anyway. I can usually pick up from men if they are but then again men don't tend to be subtle.

[PigletJohn]

you can try asking if he'd like to meet for coffee or lunch. Men don't get asked much so if he likes you he'll be very pleased.

If not he will probably be polite and kind but you'll know he'd rather not.

Only say "well how about the following week?" once.

It isn't true that men always have to do the asking.

But it is true that it's hard.

[ScareyFairenuff]

Some men, especially shy men, practically need a written invitation. He could be thinking, 'she couldn't possibly be interested in me', just as you are thinking about him. You won't know until you talk to each other more. Could your friend have a dinner party and invite you both or would that be too obvious?

[cantstandthenoise]

ha, just found him on facebook without knowing his last name! but no that would be too stalkerish to add him! (I think!) trouble is dinner party etc would probably just go the way tonight went (ie a lot of work for her and nothing happen)

[ScareyFairenuff]

What about asking him to make up the 4th person for a game of doubles - badminton, pool, anything really as long as it's fun, you can spend time together, talk and have a laugh.

Don't think fb is a good idea. It's so difficult to sense tone.

[cantstandthenoise]

I'm not trying to sound negative scareyFairenuff (and thank you for your suggestions) but the trouble is I just don't know him at all so it would all seem a bit weird. My best bet is my friend doing a bit of fishing around but what I'm wondering is really am I wasting my time because surely if he was at all interested he would be at least trying to talk to me a bit more.

[ScareyFairenuff]

You don't sound negative, just cautious perhaps which is sensible as it's your feelings at stake here. I'm just an old romantic who really wants you two to get together now just in case it turns out to be 'true love'. In the meantime I agree that it's more practical to let your friend find out what she can.

There have been other threads before where posters are not sure if men are interested and it turns out, after agonies of waiting, that they usually are. So fingers crossed for you. Do let us know how it turns out won't you. I need plenty of notice to save up for a hat .

[cantstandthenoise]

thanksx

[PigletJohn]

but you don't want to find out if he's interested in making a 4th at tennis, you want to know if he's interested in just you.

Men are simple creatures and find it easier to understand a direct approach that has an uncomplicated yes/no answer.

Trust me on this.

[passionsrunhigh]

interesting subject, relevant to me too at the mo!
PigletJohn, as a man, how would you show interest if you fanncied a woman, but assumed that she's not likely to be interested (i.e. age gap, or if she has a child and a man might think she's not up to dating, or - if she's more good lookign than you, all sorts of reasons)? Would you still try to chat more, or simply look at ger frequently, make eye contact, or would you just wait for her to do something. Can men resist a strong attraction and do NOTHING even subtle, really?
OP, he might ewll think that as a mother you ae not after dating and purely discount women with children generally because of this. It's much more chance that he starts fancying you if you talk, have eye contact etc. I think there's no harm in your friend asking him, but he'll probably just say that he's no idea whether he likes you because of lack of contact. It's safe to assume he's not interested now, but he may well curious to try if friend suggests asking you out - she should especially mention that you are looking for company despite having a child. If he;s dead against dating you, at least you 'll know for sure (via her, which isn't hurtful like direct rejection).