Emotional affair or jealous wife?

[Naetha]

I could namechange but the circumstances would out me instantly so I won't bother.

We've just (i.e. last week) emigrated to Australia. DH was over there for 5 weeks before he flew back to the UK for 5 days then we all flew out together as a family.

DH has generally struggled in the past to make friends, but he made loads of friends in Oz, with one name cropping up a lot more often than others.

So, she's a woman, single (just come out of a long term relationship), works with him and about half my weight. DH never seems to shut up about her - he was out drinking with her (and other people as well) almost every other night, ended up at her flat once (apparently "it wasn't like that" and her other flatmates were there too) and was always talking about her. He kept on saying to me that he didn't know how he could have done it without her as he was so lonely and he missed us so much. They have loads in common, me and her would get on really well blah blah blah.

When DH came back to the UK he was really insistent that he wanted to maintain his social life - we agreed to one night a week, but not to have a proper night out until we were a bit more settled (a couple of weeks I figured). I'm ok with this to some extent - it's great that he's got friends that he can chill out with.

I'm just a bit gutted that we've been here 5 days, it's his second day back at work and he's already out drinking with her. Admittedly, not just her, there's another bloke too, but I just get that sinking feeling in my stomach. He's already been out to lunch with her both days he's been back, there's been loads of text messages (all very innocent, he shows me most of them), taking loads of pictures of her (again, innocuous ones).

Apparently she was really looking forwards to meeting me and the kids (we went in to DH's work an hour after landing to meet people) and wants to go out for a drink with me, yet when I met her she virtually blanked me and just talked to DH in semi-code and in-jokes.

So am I being lonely, bored and jealous, or should I bring it up with DH / do something?

[AgathaCrusty]

Have you spoken to your H about how you are feeling?

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't like this

Takes pictures of her ?

Mentionitis, compulsively spending time with her ?

She blanked you and made you uncomfortable by using in jokes ?

Red flags

I can see why you are concerned.

Time for very stern words with your husband, I am afraid and do not be fobbed off

if he loved you and wanted to make you feel secure he

1. wouldn't be making a fool of himself by acting like a love struck teenager...what an idiot he sounds...you can be sure he will be becoming a figure of fun, btw
   
   
2. would agree to cool his "friendship" with this woman
   
   Good luck with your new life in Australia x

[SenoritaViva]

I think your DH is being naive and hasn't really thought this through. I think he is so excited at having settled in, made friends etc. He sounded like he was excited to see you and to introduce you to friends. If he doesn't make friends easily then he probably doesn't quite have the social skills to realise this is a bit wrong. He does show you the text messages etc. and talks freely but I think this is what directs him to being naive (he is not being sneaky etc.)

I think you need to talk to him about this, rationally and reasonably. Explain that you don't think she has quite such innocent intentions. Highlight that she ignored you - men can be a bit dim on this and just may not have noticed. Organise another evening with you both there with DH primed to ensure that she is not 'allowed' to treat you in this way (so if she talks in code then DH turns to you and explains etc.) He needs to send a message to her that you are the most important person (along with your children) in his life.

Also, find a babysitter quickly and expect him to take you out so that you can explore your new town/city at night together. Also, do lots of research on fun things to do in the city or drive on weekend breaks away and make sure that he most of the fun things that he does in Australia are associated to you.

Lastly, don't be lonely, try and make friends through your DCs school/playgroups or Mumsnet etc.

[bubblegumpop]

So 5 days in what is he doing to help you settle in? Or is he just carrying in with his "new" life he started in your absence?

I'd be having VERY cross words. Pictures, drinks, when his wife and kids have been there 5 days? Going to her house........lonely, blah, blah, blah.

The writing is on the wall with this one, hope you caught it early enough.

[ChitChattingWithKids]

Ooh, danger signs. The problem is he just doesn't see it, does he? Numpty!!!

You need to have a talk with him. Part of staying faithful is avoiding putting yourself into situations where you might be tempted to stray. He may not be intending to have an affair, but he is putting himself in a position where he can really become tempted and he needs to remove himself sharpish!

[redvelvetpoppy]

It seems a bit unfair that he is out drinking when you have only been in Oz for 5 days as you are still likely jetlagged & finding your feet & you are a family & have been apart for a month....
While I appreciate that it's great for him to have a social life with his new colleagues & equally great that you are supportive of this, I too would feel a bit miffed.
From reading your post, about her blanking you & excluding you from the conversation, I wouldn't particularly trust her motives.....not sure about your DH, he could simply be swept up in all the excitement of new move/subsequent social life & have seen her as a genuine friend. I think he needs to rein it in a bit & support his wife & family in this big move, so yes I'd say or do something, even if it's not specifically about your concerns over the friendship with this woman but more to do with getting some family life balance.
Should be an exciting time for both of you!!

[birdofparadise]

I would say that nothing has happened yet - the time to worry would be if he suddenly STOPPED mentioning her. And you seem to have a strong, open relationship. Having said that, you are on dangerous territory. Your DH is clearly on a high with his new friendship and this other woman could seem very exciting, secure and independent compared with you, stuck at home with DC and a bit lonely and dependent (utterly naturally enough) having just moved continents.

You need to explain to your DH that it is not fair on you for him to continue socialising alone when you are new to the country and do not have the same access to new friends as he is afforded at work. He needs to take you under his wing at least until you are both settled. He has a responsibility to you having dragged you half way across the world (and because you are his DW and he loves you).

Can you join something together eg a local gym or bridge club (or whatever you are into) and go out together a couple of nights a week.

Explain to him how you need his support for a few months whilst you forge friendships of your own and that whilst his friends are welcome to socialise with you both together, you find it very difficult and isolating if he is going out alone leaving you at home.

Good luck.

[Shoni]

I agree speak to him first and let him know how your feeling,And take it from there!

[PeppermintPasty]

To answer your "emotional affair or jealous wife", just from what you've said above I don't think it's an EA, but agree with AF that there are red flags all over the shop. The title of your post implies you might be overreacting-you're not, IMO. He's behaving like a selfish twat and should be reassuring you not piddling about like this. I would expect to give and receive loads of support at such a time of upheaval.

Put your foot right down!

[Naetha]

Thanks for the responses, reassuring.

I just feel so alone. I know there's plenty of reasons why this move is a good thing, but right now, it's just shit, and I want to be in my house in the UK with my stuff, my friends and my husband.

[Shoni]

First of all well done on moving to the oz
I'm so jealous!!
I think for him to be out every night is not right! Once a week is fair, I think that he's maybe so overwhelmed and excited about the fact that your all there he's kind of gone off track a bit, he's obviously not got any intensions of an affair as the first thing he did was to show his family off! He's obviously proud of his family, me personally! But on the other hand the fact that she wanted to meet you then ignored you indicates to me that she's eyeing up her competition! But again I don't think he's aware of it, the fact he's telling you about her, is best then not telling you! If there was something to hide on his behalf she would not be mentioned,
I think he's just needing to remember you went there as a family and that it's ok to have a social life but your there forever! it's not just a holiday were your coming home soon! There is no rush and recognise there isn't just him that has to be happy to make it work!!
Congrats on the move and best of luck for the future

[MangoMonster]

It's all a bit strange... Not really sure what to make of it but I certainly wouldn't be happy and would talk to him about it while trying not to over react. How would he feel if it was the other way around? My dp has lots of female friends but he doesn't talk about them all time. Maybe it's just the move or the fact he's made a friend and he's happy. Difficult situations, all I can suggest is talking to him and not letting it come between you. Good luck with your new life.

[SenoritaViva]

Naetha I have lived in various countries (one being Australia). The first bit is tough, hard and can be a real uphill struggle. But the advice I can give is throw everything you have into it, this will really speed up the process of feeling like you belong. Take up something new where you might meet people - an outdoors sport might be good for Oz - especially if a team sport and you can join a club. I took up surfing which was a bit lonesome! My friend took up beach frisby which was great as it was a team sport and she met loads of new people. If you don't like it you can stop.

Go and see some bands / comedy (whatever you're into). Hunt out loads of children's clubs etc. again if you go and don't like it then you don't have to continue.

It can be really lonely, but this is normal - make sure your DH sees it as a team effort though and you're both responsible for helping each other to settle in.

[AnyFucker]

So, are you going to take him to task about it ?

[Naetha]

It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't in limbo at the moment. We're in temporary accommodation for a month while we sort out somewhere to live. We don't know what area we're going to live in, so there's little point in joining a club or anything yet.

I'm going to a playgroup on Friday morning in one of the areas we're considering, so hopefully that will help.

I think you're right in that he has no intentions of an affair - emotional or otherwise, but he is being naive and carried away. As for her intentions, I don't know. Had she not blanked me, it probably wouldn't have concerned me, but it does make me wonder.

The situation is a little fucked up now because I pretty much lost it.

When trying to get the bedtime routine going with me and the kids all crying I sent him a barrage of text messages saying I can't do this by myself. So now I'm the killjoy that's ruined his night out with his mates. I guess I'm just fed up of always being the one that holds it together.

[MangoMonster]

Don't feel bad, we've all lost it and sent a barrage of texts! Think he is being naive and not sure I'd trust her either. Hope you can work it out.

[AnyFucker]

Ah, well that would be very convenient for him to see his arse about you "ruining his night" wouldn't it ?

How about how he is ruining your experience of moving to a new country ?

[AnyFucker]

What would he say if you showed him this thread ?

[bubblegumpop]

I'd show him this thread. This is quite dangerous territory you know......you are already the big bad wife, ruining his fun like a single man, out drinking with the lads and her.

5 days moving across the world..................his heads been spun.

[AgathaCrusty]

I think showing him this thread could be a good idea. He needs a wake-up call, and showing him that lots of people would be less than delighted with his behaviour might make him think about things.

[AnyFucker]

I think his reaction to this thread would be quite telling

[redvelvetpoppy]

Is he on his way home? Whereabouts in Oz are you? I'm in Sydney

[Shoni]

Well give him a kick up the backside and tell him how you feel!
Sounds like he needs it!
a little bit selfish on his behalf, explain that it's not going to work,unless your all happy!!
Why is he out during the week if your I sheltered accom he should be spending time after work hours with his family or getting things sorted! Not in the pub! A reality check needed!! Kick arse Girly tell him how you feel and what you expect from him!

[MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism]

Hey Naetha, whereabouts in Oz are you? There are quite a few of us kicking around!

I'm in Brisbane and going to pop over to the Living Overseas topic in a mo to start a meet up thread, but I know that Thumbwitch is near Newcastle and that there are lots in Sydney!

The first few months are hard. Really hard. Perhaps you need to explain to him that you need to make those connections to this new place as a family first, that you've come a long way, given up a lot to be with him and that nights out would be more reasonable in a couple of months time when things are more settled and normalised.

I'm not at all surprised that you had that reaction to his night out. I'd have been very similar. It's not Freshers Week fgs.