I want another baby. He doesn't. What to do?

[8maidsaremilking]

ok, so I am 35 and so so broody. My DP and I have a gorgeous DS who we both adore and are in a fairly steady relationship, however we have one massive issue that both of us feel very strongly about for different reasons. I desperately want another baby for lots of reasons. Since turning 35 last month, I have become really worried that if it doesn't happen soon, it might never be possible. My DP is equally determined that he is quite happy with our son and does not want another baby. We have agreed to leave the topic until after the summer but I can't seem to forget it.

Would it be absolutely awful if I "accidentally" fell pregnant?? I know he would feel really hurt and angry that I have betrayed his trust but ultimately I am sure he would accept it and become a fantastic father to a new baby as he is with our son.

Or should I leave things as they are and discuss it again in a few months in the hope that we can both agree?

Your thoughts would be appreciated

[Dorje]

Have the baby and take the consequences. You may be a lone parent but you're 35 and if you want a baby, then have another one. You won't regret it if it's what you really want.

[ASByatt]

Please please please do not 'fall pregnant'.
So unfair for your DP, existing DS and the new DC.

[katz]

this needs to be a joint decision. You can't accidentally fall pregnant that is very unfair on your DP. Imagine if the case were reversed and you didn't want another child but your DP did and put holes in the condoms......

[Pagwatch]

Awful, awful idea to get pregnant by accident.
Terrible betrayal of trust.

[katz]

dorje - why are the OPs feelings more important than her DP's why should he be tricked into fathering a child.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Tell him if he doesn't want to have another child it's his resonsibility to sort out contraception because you won't.

[oldwomaninashoe]

As you have "discussed " it you would be unwise to "accidentally" become pregnant.

Leave it a while and broach the subject armed with facts and figures about a woman's decreasing fertility in her late thirties and suggest you leave the situation in the lap of the gods ie take no active precautions and see how it goes. Also point out what joy your Ds gives you and that another DC will bring you even more joy.

[ASByatt]

I understand that you're probably thinking that it's unfair for you to not be able to plan to have another child.
you say " I know he would feel really hurt and angry that I have betrayed his trust" - and you think that that would be a good atmosphere for your existing DS????

It's hard for you, I can imagine, but yes I would leave it for a few months, talk about it calmly together. If necessary put the responsibility for contraception onto your partner, but do stay honest and upfront about it all.

[8maidsaremilking]

Thanks. It is what I suspected but I just wish he would change his mind. You know when you really want something...

My son is my priority and I don't want to unsettle his home life. I will talk to him again and have my fingers crossed he will hange his mind.

[Apocalypto]

What do you think your son needs more, a sibling or a father? It's one or the other.

[keynesian]

And which do you want more, another child or your DH?

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

I might, once upon a time, have suggested engineering a little "accident".

However having found myself accidentally pregnant with a baby I desperately wanted and DP didn't, I would seriously warn you against it. It was dreadful. Truly, truly awful. I had a mc in the end, which was bad enough. But I dread to think what would have happened had I not miscarried.

[naturalbaby]

i had this issue in the past and then had an 'unplanned' pregnancy. i am very lucky that i have a lovely dh but it put a huge strain on our relationship and we went through a very, very emotional and rough patch once i'd done the test.

i could very easily get pregnant again and am still really broody but i know it's not the right thing for my family so am working very hard to deal with my feelings for the benefit of my family.

[8maidsaremilking]

Oh how awful Jenai. I am so sorry. I can totally understand why you did what you did so will take your advice. Thank you

[oohjarWhatsit]

he will resent you for ever more if you do that, not to mention never trust you again

that is if he hangs around long enough

[Asinine]

Talk to him again. Be honest, tell him you are thinking this way. Listen properly to his reasons for not wanting another one. Then agree to both think about it for a while and decide what to do as a couple. Don't lie to him, he is a fantastic father and you are lucky to have him and your ds.

On a lighter note a puppy has finally cured my non ending desire to reproduce, I tried more babies but still felt broody after four...

[Ishani]

For 4 years I talked about baby number 4 which DH was adamant he did not want, in the end I said I wanted the baby so much that he reluctantly agreed, then he had a funny turn at 8 weeks pg and wanted an abortion and to leave us all. Guess who is the apple of DH's eye now ? He loves the baby more than life itself, just adores him.
I could not lose simply because I had to have that baby so if it had all gone the other way I could live with the consequences but simply any man who is already a father who would split up your marriage because of another child is not fully committed anyway so it's no great loss. I just don't believe another child is ever the real reason people split up there's more to it than that and the man cannot divorce his child so he might as well stay.

[ASByatt]

Ishani - 'any man who is already a father who would split up your marriage because of another child is not fully committed anyway so it's no great loss. I just don't believe another child is ever the real reason people split up there's more to it than that and the man cannot divorce his child so he might as well stay.'

well, I don't agree!

• except that yes, the extra child might not in itself be the reason for the break-up - it might perhaps be the man realising that his partner went against his wishes without his knowledge, showing that the trust in their relationship has been broken.

[Apocalypto]

@ ASByatt

Correct. What's going on there is that the mother is putting herself first and everyone else a long way behind. If this forms part of a history of selfish behaviour, then some fathers will consider themselves better off single.

[Ishani]

I think there would be more to it, that's my opinion, I didn't go against my husbands wishes but he was very much persuaded and had he left it wouldn't have just been because of the baby.

[Ishani]

What's so wrong about a mother being selfish, I work my arse off for my family, sacrificed my career, where I live to put my children's education first, all of income goes on them and their comfort and well being. God forbid a mother should put herself first once. Bloody hell.

[wannaBe]

"any man who is
already a father who would split up your marriage because of another child is not fully committed anyway" and equally, any woman who is already a mother who would split up a marriage because of another child is not fully committed...

[wannaBe]

"God forbid a mother should put herself first once." oh yes, split up her family, leave her existing child having to be split between his parents and the child-conceived-through-deception to grow up without ever having known what it's like to have a father, oh, totally ok for a woman to do that, she should be able to put herself first occasionally after all.

The selfishness of some women astounds me sometimes.

[Ishani]

Really, well the men I meet typically have a bloody charmed existence it makes me laugh that they think they can dictate the number of children too withholding their precious sperm.

[katz]

theres a big difference between putting yourself first and behaving so selfishly. Purposely tricking someone into fathering child they do not want is wrong, no one has the right to do that.