Help! Accidentally locked DP's bank account (snooping for evidence of cheating) what now?

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

I've given up challenging DP on whether his (IMO) suspicious behaviour is because he's cheating. He's either a wrongly accused man, or he's lying through his teeth. Either way it was getting me nowhere so I decided to do some snooping instead.

Only it's all gone wrong, I feel like such an idiot.

I tried to log into his bank account. But I got the password wrong (or he's changed it) and now it says account suspended!

Shit!

Is this temporary or will it still be suspended when he tries to log back into it?

FWIW I also bought a card reader but that didn't work .

I'm not willing to confront him (again) without some actual evidence this time - but perhaps this has forced the issue and I'll have to.

I'm at a loss - I don't know what to do.

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

About the card reader, I actually felt uplifted after I bought it. I felt like I'd regained a bit of control over the situation.

Now it hasn't worked (I was just testing it out on my phone) I'm gutted.

[OnlyWantsOne]

i dont really advise the snooping, but i understand the reasons.


ring him tell him your worried that youve got a virus on the pc??

[privategodfrey]

Deny Deny Deny

Blame a hacker :)

[perfumedlife]

Am afraid i can't help re the card reader, am a technophobe. This situation is no good though, it can't go on. What makes you suspect him? Is money going missing? Is he acting odd, glued to his phone?

[CameronCook]

No advice for the ebanking situation, but, if his behaviour is such that you don't trust him, and he is not making every effort to be trustworthy and open, then I'm not sure why you need proof of anything.

Surely the fact that he is making you unhappy enough to resort to fairly drastic measures should be enough to tell you that you do not need to suffer in this unhappy relationship, regardless of whether he has cheated or not

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

It's his PC, I've got my own - I've no reason to be on his.

The thing is I don't advocate snooping either. But what's got me here is he lies about stuff. I just can't trust what he says.

I've justified it to myself by saying I've got so much at stake here if he can't be straight with me then it's understandable. But is it really? It is a real breech of trust, isn't it?!

Part of me just wants to come clean. It's important to me that a relationship is based on trust, and we (obviously) have issues in this one.

But I can't bear this not knowing, and I'm not willing to end my relationship on a hunch.

[Mymblesson]

Unless the 'suspended' page says there was an attempted failed login from your home ip address (and if your husband knows your ip address anyway - most people don't have a clue), then you needn't say anything as it can just look like someone (and it could be anyone) tried to get into his account and failed. Say nothing and if he mentions it look concerned, like you'd really be if someone tried to break into his account.

A problem may arise if the bank themselves tell him that the login attempt was from the usual ip.

If you're goinjg to try this sort of thing, I'd suggest you use a proxy server like www.hidemyass.com, which gives a different ip address.

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

"No advice for the ebanking situation, but, if his behaviour is such that you don't trust him, and he is not making every effort to be trustworthy and open, then I'm not sure why you need proof of anything."

Can I just say I really do not want this to turn into a thread on whether the mumsnet jury think he's cheating. I've had a couple of them before and it was quite painful to be on the receiving end of. It went beyond straight talking IMO.

Suffice to say his behaviour is odd enough for any reasonable person to suspect something's up.

However no matter what anyone thinks, I am not willing to leave my DP on a hunch. He's secretive by nature and I admit I am insecure about certain things - it's not a great combination when it comes to this issue!

Otherwise it's a good relationship, we have a lovely DS and get on well. I feel there is a lot at stake. I would never be at ease with myself if I left him on a hunch, so I won't do it. I would rather "waste" a couple of months (or years even) finding out, than the rest of my life wondering if I did the right thing by myself and DS, which I would if I wasn't sure.

You may disagree with me, but please lets not spend a lot of time on whether I should leave my DP now or not. Last time I posted about my suspicions the thread became all about this, and I found it upsetting and frustrating rather than helpful.

[perfumedlife]

Why not ring him and ask him for his password, make something up like a purchase you need to make online but your account seems to not be working. Surely he would have no problem giving you the password? You are his wife, what does it matter if you see his bank account?

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

Sorry CameronCook I should say I do appreciate you posting!

I just wanted to nip that particular direction in the bud though as I'm still licking the wounds from last time.

[Mymblesson]

That probably won't work, perfumed. Usually if there have been certain number of failed login attempts, the account will lock until a new password has been generated. The account holder will have to call the bank to get this.

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

That could work perfumedlife but the thing is I really don't want to get into more lies.

My choices as I see it are:

• come clean and have the conversation about his most recent suspicious behaviour now
  
• say nothing and hope for the best
  

And that's all my ideas!

Oh dear.

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

"That probably won't work, perfumed. Usually if there have been certain number of failed login attempts, the account will lock until a new password has been generated. The account holder will have to call the bank to get this."

Fuck, I'm going to have to come clean than aren't I.

[zikes]

Make sure you clear today's internet history & cookies if you're going to pretend nothing's happened.

(I'm venturing no opinions on anything else .)

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

How would you feel if your partner said s/he'd been snooping in your bank account?!

It's not good is it?!

[JaxTellersOldLady]

dont you have joint bank accounts? I can access my DH seperate account as well as our joint one and he can use my account. Nothing to hide (except the many purchases for crap things I need.

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

No we don't have joint bank accounts.

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

We always meant to but we've just never got round to doing it.

[prh47bridge]

Online access to his account will almost certainly still be suspended when he tries to log on. He will probably have to ring his bank to get access restored - you won't be able to do that for him. They may ask him what has happened. If he doesn't know they may decide to investigate the attempt to get into the account they may be able to trace it back to your IP address, in which case you will have some explaining to do. Of course, they may not investigate it in which case you'll be able to tough it out.

Not sure what you expected to achieve with a card reader, to be honest.

On the wider issue, snooping on your DP is not good. You clearly don't trust him. If your snooping didn't turn up any evidence you would probably still think he is cheating but good at hiding it. To be honest, I suspect that nothing will convince you that he isn't cheating. Even if the suspicious behaviour stops you will probably just think the affair is over.

I see you don't want to leave without proof. It seems to me you are painting yourself into a corner. If he is innocent you will forever be looking for proof that won't be forthcoming. You need to find a way forward somehow.

[Mymblesson]

Fuck, I'm going to have to come clean than aren't I.

Not necessarily. Someone else could have tried to hack into his account, after all. Only the ip address of the attempted hack might give you away, if the bank record that and actually say to your husband 'the attempt came from your home computer'

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

"Not sure what you expected to achieve with a card reader, to be honest."

He's deleted all his messages and calls. I hoped to be able to retrieve them with a card reader and some software which does this.

[zikes]

I do think you're going to have to confess tho.

If they're right about him having to contact the bank etc, then if you don't own up you may well be found out anyway and in quite an ugly way.

Better pre-empt, I think.

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

" If your snooping didn't turn up any evidence you would probably still think he is cheating but good at hiding it."

On the contrary, we were here before about a year ago. I snooped and he came up with a clean bill of health, and I felt reassured. I am aware that it could be my own insecurities.

However there has been more suspicious behaviour recently and so I am here again. FWIW I don't suspect he is having an ongoing affair - or not at least one of the heart - more taking opportunities as they arise.

[thisisnotmyideaoffun]

"You need to find a way forward somehow."

I agree. Perhaps coming clean is the best way - although not easy.

[Boobz]

Are you the condom lady?!