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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

(864 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

mrsbigz Sat 14-May-11 22:54:53

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.
And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

NatzCNL Sat 09-Jun-12 14:15:30

Sorry! Thought I was in the sister thread when I mentioned the thread babies. My mistake, Im sorry xx

Twingo Sat 09-Jun-12 21:39:45

Hi NatzCNL

Thank you for the lovely message (although Im sorry to hear about your loss of your baby girl). Its good to hear you went on to have a wonderful little girl, who must be be only a few weeks away from learning to walk now perhaps? It all sounds exciting! I hope that I can go on to have an unevenful and infact boring pregnancy, nothing would make me happier!

I have support in RL but no-one who has been through anything similar. I guess Im alright, I feel a bit nothingy about everything right now, and just dreading the prospect of returning to work and pretending that everythings ok. Im also just waiting on amniocentesis and postmortem results to find out if its likely to have been a 'one off' or not, similar to yourself, but trying not to think about the worst case scenario right now.

MsGee I know my loss is very recent so its hard to imagine your situation. Im sorry to hear about your baby and dont think it will send you backwards as you are in a different place now from last year, but whatever you choose to do I dont think you should put pressure on yourself to 'feel ok' and perhaps speaking out to someone may help with some parts of the grief whihc perhpas you havent dealt with. I know a hard part for me right now is the fact we saw our little baby at the 20 week scan moving and wriggling around and her strong heartbeat and that it was ultimately our choice to say goodbye. Although the consultant said she probably wouldnt survive the pregnancy let alone the outside world, it still feels so cruel that it was left to us to end things, but they are the experts and I guess what seemed fine on the scan to me clearly wasnt to the trained eye. I just have to make my heart understand what my head knows.

DayToNightBarbie I like your suggestion about hiding facebook friends, I will do that as one of my friends is setting me off every time with her comments bless her. I dont know why Im putting myself through it!

Ghislaine I think you have been dealing with things better than me, I almost needed to be restrained last week (perhaps over exaggeration) when I saw a pregnant woman with a beer and ciggerette in her hands puffing smoke over her 2 / 3 year old son. Some people dont know how lucky they are!

Vent over! Oops long message again.

jdutch Mon 18-Jun-12 14:12:54

Hi, I have just found out my baby has Edwards syndrome. I have a consultation this afternoon and will be having a termination. I am devastated. This baby would have been my third but it is and was as much wanted and loved as my two dds. How do I get through it? X

LittlePoot Tue 19-Jun-12 10:22:23

Oh jdutch, I'm so sorry. And same for twingo and mrsgee as well. It's just the most awful time and I know all too well that there isn't anything much I can say to make you feel better. We terminated my first, previously blissfully ignorant, pregnancy then I miscarried my second. My third though is another addition to the list of hope on the sister thread-coming up to a year and a half and worth the wait. In answer to your question jdutch, the only way you get through it is step by step, hour by hour and day by day. It's just the most awful thing, and a decision you could never imagine having to make but you will make it through, I promise. How did your consultation go? What/when are the next steps? It helped me so much reading on here and hearing others feeling the same mixture of sadness, anger, guilt and disbelief as I was struggling with and to have virtual hands to pull me along the path. I just still remember merrily going along to the scan without a care in the world and coming out feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. It's just not meant to go like this! Take care ladies and please be gentle on yourselves. xxx

jdutch Wed 20-Jun-12 06:18:00

Littlepoot, my termination is this morning. I'm 13 1/2 wks, the consultant wanted me to have a medical abortion but finally agreed to a surgical one. I'm not brave enough to go through labour, as I know many of you ladies have been. I'm so devasted to know that soon I won't be pregnant any more. I feel such a sense of failure that I couldn't protect my little baby. I am so lucky to have two dd who are giving me a huge amount of comfort. But this baby was so wanted. We will find out from the cvs the sex which I think will help. I'm not sure whether naming the baby will help? I'm just so heartbroken. X

LittlePoot Wed 20-Jun-12 22:02:33

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I hope you're home safely and I hope the procedure at least went smoothly. I remember feeling so empty after my erpc. just numb. You will find a way through this, I promise, but for now there's no rush. Just take things very gently and don't try and pretend things are ok. Quiet and gentle and lots of cuddles with DDS. Thinking of you. xxx

ghislaine Thu 21-Jun-12 20:27:21

Jdutch, thinking of you and your baby. It's such an unbelievable thing to go through, something you can never prepare yourself for. I remember feeling like I was watching myself in a movie, I couldn't believe it was happening.

Please, if you have any questions about what comes now, like a funeral, or ways to remember your baby, do ask. We have all done different things; it might help to focus on the practicalities. I know that in organising my baby's funeral, I felt like I could still do something as a mother for him.

We will all be here to listen as you grieve - Twingo, MsGee and DTNBarbie, thinking of you as well. I didn't start posting here until some months after my termination, but I found it such a help to read what others were going through, it was such a comfort and helped me feel less alone.

ghislaine Thu 21-Jun-12 20:33:42

Sorry, now that I can scroll up, to answer your question, we did find out the sex but we didn't name our son. Everyone copes differently with the information they have, and some prefer to know as little as possible, others want to know everything. I guess we fell somewhere in the middle. I had a surgical termination at 14+1 because I couldn't face labour. It helped me to know that my baby was a boy but we didn't name him because we never got to meet him. You'll know what to do when the time comes.

LittlePoot Thu 21-Jun-12 20:39:53

Following on from ghislane, I agree we've all done different things. I had a medical termination at 13 or 14 weeks, didn't want to see the baby, didn't find out the sex and had no funeral or similar afterwards. And I've never looked back and wished I had-that's just how I needed to handle the situation. I hope you're getting good real life support but do please come here if you need to unload anything. We're all thinking of you. x

jdutch Sat 23-Jun-12 22:46:55

Thank you for your messages of support. These past few days have been my hardest ever. I feel like I'm floating along, trying to get by for the sake of my girls but \i just feel empty and numb and can't believe I'm not pregnant any more. Life goes on, I know, but it's hard to see how mine can at the moment. I will find the sex of our baby next week when the full cvs results are back. We have decided to have a private cremation and blessing at the hospital which I think may help me in some way. My husband has been fantastic and supportive but I know he is hurting too. I'll find it harder when he's back at work. I have well meaning friends but hearing things like "you can try again", "it could have been worse", "everything happens for a reason" - I know they're trying to help but it doesn't! I know it will get easier but I'm just empty x

suemays Wed 12-Sep-12 17:37:56

I hope there are still ladies on this thread as I really need some support. I had my 20 week scan on Friday and there was a problem found with my babies kidneys. We went to the fetal medicine centre in Harley st on Monday for a 2nd opinion who confirmed that both kidneys are damaged. We then had an appointment with our local hospital today but no-one can give us a definite answer on the damage done to our baby. We have been told that we can go and have another scan next tues which will be torture as its nearly a week away but there might not be a paediatrician there to talk through the results! We want to know the chances of our baby surviving and to what extent the damage is done so that we can decide what to do. I feel completely in limbo as the nhs seems to not want to give us a definite answer. I don't want to bring a child into the world if it is going to be in pain and will die within a short amount of time. Has anyone got any advice?

manitz Wed 12-Sep-12 22:14:17

hi suemays i havent been on here for a while as i had terminations 5 and 2 years ago and mostly now go on the sister thread as I had a successful pregnancy following the last one.

The first was for a different problem than yours, she was growing with half a heart. They were taking their time getting me further information that would have helped me make a decision. I had a sympathetic consultant who wrote me a generic referral letter then I rang round all the heart hospitals in london. I managed to get an appointment with a specialist a few days earlier than the appointment offered by my hospital. I was prepared to go private but got an appointment on the NHS. It still took 3 weeks to get my termination and I was 26 weeks gone by that time. At the time it was horrific to wait and every moment was torture (mostly because I had no idea what to do) but looking back I'm glad I had some time to ensure I made the right decision for my baby and for my family.

I hope someone comes on with some information about kidney problems. I suppose its a positive thing that this thread is quiet. It is really difficult to advise you as only you can decide what to do, I also found that the doctors did not want to be definite about things I suppose they dont want to persuade or be sued. I managed to find some stories online about people who were living with half a heart and I was able to guess what the best and worst cases would be for quality of life and make my decision based on that.

I don't come online that often but feel free to pm me if you have any questions that you think i may be able to help with. I'm so sorry you are going through this. x

ghislaine Thu 13-Sep-12 13:14:00

Suemays, I'm so sorry you have found yourself here, especially after so many miscarriages and getting half way through your pregnancy. It is all so cruel.

It's a tortuous time and many of us here have found this limbo stage to be the worst. Once you have made a decision, it does become a little easier. Would it help if someone could give you a percentage or survival timeframe for your baby? Even if it's "most babies with this condition will ..." that might help.

Please come on here and talk as much as you need. There are women here who have terminated pregnancies for all sort of problems, some worse than others, some chromosomal, some anatomical, some second trimester, some third trimester. Whatever you are feeling and facing, you are not alone.

suemays Fri 14-Sep-12 21:32:09

Ghislaine Nobody seems to be able to give us any percentages or timeframe for survival, that is what is making the decision so hard. We don't even know if we are seeing the right specialist as just keep getting referred to different fetal specialists who all say the same thing about the scan. They just keep saying that they are not medically qualified to tell us what the outcome for the future could be or how extensive the damage is.

Manitz I also feel like phoning all the kidney specialists in London but just want to get this sorted asap so that I can move on. I am feeling exactly how you describe and you would think that the process would be a lot easier with more help rather than the need for us to do it ourselves.

I am also petrified of going through labour to give birth to a dead baby. I was told today that I couldnt have a surgical termination as I am 21 weeks already but does anyone know if this is just because it costs the NHS too much money or if it is better for me in the long run with TTC again?

NatzCNL Sat 15-Sep-12 10:02:14

Suemays - Im so sorry for what you are going through. It is an awful situation you are in. I, like Manitz also carried a baby with a severe heart defect which meant her heart had not properly formed and was in end stage heart faliure. This was 2 years ago last week. I was able to have a surgical termination due to the defect being spotted so early so I was just under 15 weeks gestation. After that I would have to have an induced labour. It has nothing to do with cost, it is entirely for your recovery and minimising damage to the cervix. With a surgical termination the cervix is 'forced open' to allow the surgeon to do what they need to do. Due to your gestation this would cause a huge amount of damage to the cervix which could cause future problems with conception and carrying a baby.

As traumatic as it is having to experience giving birth in this situation, this is the safest and least physically damaging option for you. I dont think any hospital, NHS or private would ever agree to a surgical termination after 15 weeks the latest. And some wouldn't do it past 13 weeks.

Im so sorry you are faced with this possibility. I hope you can get some answers very soon with regards to the kidney damage. This thread is only active when somebody needs support, but there are many of us just lurking and watching in case we are needed. Please come back as and when you feel you want/need to. Will be thinking of you xx

NatzCNL Sat 15-Sep-12 10:04:15

Whilst I am here - jdutch - I hope you are ok xxx

ghislaine Sat 10-Nov-12 22:34:56

I'm bumping this thread for anyone who doesn't read the sister thread to say we are planning a meet up in London for anyone who has ever posted or lurked here. There'll be lots of friendly faces and people who know how you feel.

ghislaine Mon 14-Jan-13 18:27:53

Timetosmile, I'm bumping this thread for you and your friend as one of the support threads that Havingkittens mentioned. Kittens gave excellent advice. I think the best thing you can do is to respond to what she needs. For me personally, I hated people saying 'you did the right thing'. It made me feel like they were giving me permission to end the pregnancy or that I might have been seeking the approval of others. I know for me it was such a personal decision I really didn't give am monkey's what anyone else thought but I did need friends to listen to how I was feeling.

It might help your friend to post here, or just read about others' experiences as feelings as they go through a diagnosis of abnormalities and termination of a wanted pregnancy.

snapperflump Tue 19-Mar-13 08:31:21

Can I join for a hug please?

I am 17 weeks pregnant. Yesterday I went to hospital and this is what they told me: We are having a baby boy. The results from the chromosone test showed that in chromosone 18 there was an anomoly. Normally a chromosone looks like an 'X' with two short arms and two longer legs. Our chromosone 18 has one arm and three legs (not the baby remember, he looks normal and actually perfect in every way, there is not one indication from the scan that there is a problem). What this means in real terms: he will have seizures, fits, be smaller than average, joint stiffness and full mental retardation. He will live into full adulthood and be wholly dependant on a life of care and will have no quality of life. This result has come from the CVS which is a sample from the placenta. Yesterday we had an AMNIO which they are fast tracking to confirm the results, this looks at the baby and not the placenta. Sometimes when the material that makes the baby and the placenta seperates what happens in one does not neccessarily reflect whats going on in the other, but in our case, because the placenta is FULL of defective chromosone 18's the result is not expected to change. The doctor is confident in the diagnosis and the tests are 99% accurate. We are booked in for an induction for next week. Following a full labour our baby will be born, cremated and buried in the same plot as his sisters who died of TTTS at 24 weeks in 2006. I have two happy healthy children aged 2 & 4 who are keeping it normal for me

ghislaine Tue 19-Mar-13 11:57:08

Oh poor snapper, big hugs to you. I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. Please post all you need to here, you will find nothing but compassion and understanding, and there is practical advice if you need it too.

manitz Tue 19-Mar-13 21:27:06

hello snapperflump. I'm really sorry to read about your situation and that this is not the first time you will experience this grief. I hope the next week is bearable. xx

NatzCNLS Wed 20-Mar-13 21:42:10

Just wanted to add my sympathies. What an awful time for you and your family. I am so sorry. Lots of hugs and hand-holding. You are in our thoughts & prayers xxxx

cherrybug Thu 21-Mar-13 12:12:35

snapperflump - I'm so sorry to read your news. Our baby girl had a rare chromosomal abnormality too (unbalanced translocation) and the prognosis was very poor. We ended the pregnancy and she was born at 20 weeks. It's such a impossibly heartbreaking situation to be in, much love to you and your family. x

zen1980 Fri 19-Apr-13 13:28:53

Someone help me or give me some direction please. We are currently 23 weeks with my second little girl. At the 20 week scan we were told she had dilated kidneys today we have been told she had dysplastic kidney an the other kidney looks as though it is following the same path. Their advice is termination as she probably wouldn't survive long after birth. What should we do how do I tell my 3 year old? I am broken

ghislaine Mon 22-Apr-13 20:12:04

Bumping this thread for zen1980. Handholding for you as you say goodbye to your baby.

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