Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7

[mrsbigz]

May this thread continue to offer support and friendship to all who have found ourselves knocking at its door. May the door stay firmly wedged open - to be a comfort to those who have recently lost a little one, and welcoming back those who have longer memories of their loss. May the tea always be brewing and the millionaire shortbreads always freshly baked.

And may our all little ones find each other in a magical place, where they can run, laugh and play together with no boundaries

Hello everyone, I'm sorry, I've been a bit quiet too! Have been getting my head around things a bit over the weekend.

I'm glad that all the consultant appts today/ yesterday went as well as they could, although I'm so sorry misty that the hospital lost your information. These things are so important to us, I don't know why hospitals allow such things to happen. As for finding out... I think that's up to you at the time. It may be that too much time has passed and there has been some healing that nothing can really be gained from knowing. I'm sure either way that once they find the info it will remain in your files should you wish t know in the future.

Egglet, it really does seem that our stories/we are 'linked' somehow- they are so similar. I'm obviously sorry that it was Edwards but I understand the 'relief' almost, that you know 110% that you made the right decision. It's strange but I feel as though Ava's diagnosis made my decision for me. I also wanted to add that after following your story from the beginning, your viewpoint on the pregnancy loss is entirely understandable and I dare say that I will react the same with future pregnancies.

Fwiw I found out the baby's sex before I thought anything was wrong and from then on she did become a baby and a much wanted daughter. I think that may have partly been because I have a son, so the pregnancy/ baby thing became more real.

I'm going to have to go to bed now as am shattered but I'm glad that mrsbigz is doing so well following your services and appts- big hug and I think it's lovely that there is someone else out there visiting and thinking of Eve xxx

Oh, cinnamon, I hope your poor DS is on the mend- horrible! We also ended up in A&E on Sun am as DS decided to dive hard first off the sofa and on to the stone floor- the noise sounded like his skull had disintegrated! He is fine though thankfully! X

Hello all,

A very quick one again as am absolutely shattered; little man decided to cry for me all night and wouldn't settle till I basically lay with my head resting on him. As he's in a cot bed, I had to scrunch up into a really uncomfortable position and by the time he went to sleep my darn back seized up. So no sleep last night and feel like I've been kicked by an elephant.

Just want to give some big virtual hugs; there seems to be a lot of sadness mixed in with our happy news at the moment. I know it's all a part of life but I'm hoping everyone is okay and able to keep positive. Especially thinking of you misty, every cock up feels like a kick in the teeth doesn't it? This is the one time, the one experience when you just need the powers that be to do their job and to take away any additional stress. I don't think one of us doesn't have a horror story about our care being messed up/ information being incorrect/ people being uncaring, etc. I think obviously of lovely mrsbigz here, ( and so glad Eve is being remembered by a wider circle of people, your friend sounds lovely), but it's happened to us all, and lots of other women too if you read through other threads. It makes me so cross, just when we are at our most vulnerable.

Feeling a bit grumpy, so going to sign off and try to come back later when I am feeling more positive - don't want to pee on the parade! Especially as it seems such an amazing day, lots of sun. On a happier note, apart from the bad back, seem to be okay and so......yep, ttc with a vengenace! OH is a very happy man, ha ha!

Lots of love, lovely ladies xxxxxxxxx

cinnamon - you can pee on our parade love xx As long as you hold a stick under it! lol Your poor body!! Heavens woman - You're right about nearly everyone having something go wrong with beurocracy (spelling??) at some point in their experience. Some worse than others ... didnt one of us here get sent home as they'd mixed up the termination date? Knitter was it you? Or was it Egglet? God how awful that was!!! I reminded OH of that yesterday when he was having a hissy fit about the baby's report being missing. And he calmed down a bit!

Thank you ladies for your kind words about yesterdays mix up. I've started to think i feel like i owe it to baby to find out what exactly was wrong, and what sex it was. Like its the least i can do ..... ?

The sex of baby wont effect me i dont think - but my OH is a bit tender about the girl or boy thing - he REALLY would like a son. (Bless him he keeps saying "i dont mind tho' so long as the babys healthy"! But you know your partners dont you, and i know how he feels about a having a son) So I think part of the not wanting to know for him is because of that. It would hurt a little more if it was a boy.

How do we get round this one??? I want to know and he doesnt basicly it seems. Good lord.

You and me both cinnamon with the BDing at the mo.! Oh is being put to WORK this week!!!!! he he.

Hi Everyone

I read this thread regularly and have posted previously once or twice.

I had a termination nearly six weeks ago now and wanted to comment on finding out the sex of the baby and appointments with consultants as I can relate to some of the comments others have made.

Now that it has been almost six weeks since the termination I can look back and reflect on that period with a more rational viewpoint. My husband and I chose to find out the sex of the baby before the termination and were delighted to discover the baby was a girl. When the baby was delivered I had the chance to hold her and look at her. She looked perfect. We named her and had her blessed that evening. All of these desicions were right for us at the time and I have no regrets about our choices.

I do however recognise it would have been somewhat easier to disconnect from the termination by not knowing the sex of the baby and then naming her. I too worry for future pregnancies and wonder if that baby will be my only baby girl.

We had our appointment with the consultant last week and have been reassured by the results and the discussion that took place that our baby having T21 was just bad luck and it's not likely to happen again. As soon as I find out I am pregnant again (if and when) I need to phone them so care and support can be provided. The appointment has brought me a real sense of calm, hard to explain.

I hope this post makes sense as I wanted to contribute to what others had said but not sure what point I'm actually trying to make. Maybe there isn't a point but it certainly helps me to clear my head by typing it here.

Still having good days and bad days, definitly more good. This thread has really helped so thank you to all the ladies on here for their words of encouragement.

myangelava I've just pm'd you. Hope your little one is ok though, toddlers are amazingly resilient, I suppose they have to be as they're also positively suicidal.

Cinnamon what a dreadful sounding night, hope both you and DS are recovered soon!

It was me who was given the wrong date for the specialist appointment that would initiate the termination. There always seems to be some admin cock up.

darlingred I know exactly how you feel about the appointment making you feel calmer. I hope you're ok though. You're two weeks ahead of me in this process and I still have very bad days.

mrsbigz that's so sad for your friend but I can see how it might be comforting. God, life is just really brutal isn't it?

misty my husband would love a son and as we already have a daughter it would have been very painful whatever the sex was. I also did not want to find out as there is a stupid rumour in my family that we can't carry boys (no boys born for nearly 100 years on the maternal side) so if I had found out it was a boy and then I got pregnant with another boy I would be convinced it was doomed. It just seemed easier for me not to find out. The hospital have said I can have any information I want in time as it will always be there. I may change my mind and find out at some point but I think I would only feel strong enough to when I feel my family is complete which for me means getting through another pregnancy ok. It's such a personal thing though.

Right, must get this midden of a house at least superficially sorted out before naptime ends...

x

hey all, hope the 'hump day' goes ok.

misty wanted to say im sorry to hear about the hospital royal f*ck up. my DH would be v angry bout that sort of thing too. from this whole experience, rightly or wrongly, i have found out i am very much a 'give me ALL the info' type person (what a blessing/curse Dr Google is!) so I would personally find it hard not to get that final bit of info, do what you feels best.i guess you could rationalise with your DH that you could have been told it all in the meeting anyway.

cinnamon i reckon you should get a massage or something similar if you get the chance?? and your poor DS :S hope he is ok now.

mrsb glad your appt went well, and how lovely (iykwim) that a friend's little one is near Eve.

eggy also pleased your apt went well, how many of us are 'just one of those things' i wonder.

i dont know if its appropriate asking on her but thought about going to other thread but just not ready yet, so tell me to bu*ger off if it's not.
i did a 'posh test' last weds (think it was day before af was due...hard to tell tho due to mad bleedings of april!) anyway so i got preg 1-2. did another today (i think lasting a week ok so did a cheapie on fri was impressive.) and still got preg 1-2. technically conception would now potentially be 2 and half weeks ago, so why havent i got '2-3'?

obv have taken this as bad sign (no real reason other than feeling of being doomed after last time). Still have sore boobs/some nausea.
any thoughts? (feel free to hand kipper and tell me where to go)
xxx

Oh cremegg, so the paranoia and worry begins....... I decided to walk DS to Tumble Tots this morning and I was wrestling with the idea of going to Boots with the specific aim of buying the same said posh test to make sure that it said 2-3 weeks and therefore have some reassurance that everything is ok in there! Looking back on my pregnancy with Ava, I'm convinced that I only got a faint BFP because she was small for dates/ had Edwards and so also considered doing my other cheapie (which is in my drawer crying out to be peed on!) to see if the line was even thicker a week on. I'm glad that it's not just me and I wouldn't worry about the stick- it's a stick and doesn't really know. I bet if you look on the packet the is small print saying that it only has accuracy +- a week or something to that effect!

As for the sex of the baby, I completely identify with you darlingred. I am blessed to have a gorgeous little boy and when I found out that we were having a girl I was so pleased (we thought that she was healthy at that point) - and for some reason I wonder now whether she was the only daughter I will have.

Right, I have an hour of peace and quiet left (fingers crossed!) so off to get some things done- I cleared DS's wardrobe out to put in the loft and they are still cluttering most of upstairs!! For the record, for how many years do I have to keep doing this because I think I'm running out of loft space?!

Egglet, you make me laugh... I though my DH was the only person who still used the word midden. On a serious note, what a horrible family rumour and I'm sure it's not true. In fact I read somewhere that Edwards babies are usually girls (80%) I think, which is another reason I'm not sure if I'd want to find out in the future.

I really am going now.... Love to everyone xx

Evening ladies
Sorry about lack of replying to each & one of you but it is a post & run tonight a I am out tonite
Work went ok today - tears / red eyes & nose - gt lots of nice hugs
Touch of sadness as got a bfn on a cheapie test today which means not not not preggers & nothing stopping us trying again
We koff were in the mood yesterday morning when I felt the bed move - looked over hubby's shoulder & there was a little kittens face looking at us - as if to say what you two up to & can I join in - well that was the end of that cos I was laughing too much to do anything else :)
Take care out there
X x

cremegg I would suggest that those posh tests are really not vastly accurate and perhaps you should try to stop doing them, easier said than done I know. I would take reassurance from your ongoing symptoms but even then, they can fluctuate.

myangelava similarly, I know it's no reassurance either but I got a really strong positive test with my pregnancy which we know was also doomed so there's almost definitely no relationship between the strength of the result and the health of the baby.

I don't honestly think anything any of us can say will stop either of you worrying and that's totally understandable but you do have our support and empathy!

The family rumour is probably nonsense, I've asked a couple of medic friends whether there's any basis for it and they've said no. However, it's so often mentioned (when I told my mum that this pregnancy was probably hopeless her first response was 'Is it a boy? It's a boy isn't it?' at which point I said I don't know and I don't want to know) that I know it would worry me. (I read that statistic about Edward's being more prevalent in girls too.)

Anyway, I'm going back to browsing improving books for my daughter whilst guiltily boggling at Embarrassing Bodies on the tv. It's awful!

Sorry ladies but please go now and read and possibly reply to the "Devestated" thread. I cannot BELIEVE some people. Threadgate again nearly!!!!

I'm ..... not going to say what i think about about the people who have answered poor Faraway like they have - but it hurt me to read it, and i consider myself to be in a reasonably strong place mentaly! Jesus! What happened to sisterly support?

xx

misty - wow some people......do NOT know the meaning of support!! talking about kicking someone when they're down. i have posted on that thread and hope that faraway is doing ok.
cremegg. as a self declared expert 'eh'hem' in all things testing - put the tests away!!! i completely understand your concern but there are reasons why it might still be saying 1-2 instead of 2-3. although you know when you O'd you don't know when the egg implanted - can be between about 7 and 12 days past O (on average - sometimes later) - so if the egg didn't implant until later then this would affect your pg test result. but honestly i would put the tests away as they can only add to your anxiety. sending you big hugs though and i'm absolutely sure all is fine with your little'un xxx

had a day full of meetings today nicely broken up by a lunch date with the lovely misty - thank you hun for brightening up my seriously tedious day!

other than that not much to report - ds2 has been up and down tonight (teething i think) so going to go to bed shortly as no doubt will be woken up later on.

love to you all and will catch up with personals soon xxx

Thankyou MrsB, .... and Linspins if you're reading.

I am just dumbfounded how some people react sometimes. There was plenty of ladies who were also shocked at the bad reactions and showed support, thank goodness - but ..... i just think what ever someone was struggling with - if they came to a forum distressed and seeking support theres no way i would shoot them down like that. If i couldnt think of anything constructive to say i'd just keep quiet!

faraway if you happen to have found us and are reading - come on in lovie! We'll look after you xxxx

X posts MrsB !

Bless you, i had a lovely lunch too - so nice to have a natter xxx

Personals tomorrow girls - so tired tonight my eyes are blurring lol.

Damn it!

Wrote a massive post then stoopid MN lost it!

Got to dash but bigs hugs, hello to faraway, hope you find us here, them....damn....idiots with their judgement, aargh, want to kick them so hard, all okay here, little man still has turtle lip but we're getting there and cremegg, step away from the piddle sticks - it's all good honey, I can feel it in my waters, (back to pee again!).

Lots of love to you all, back tomorrow evening; busy day, AGM this evening and hospital appointments with DS3 tomorrow so busy, busy, busy!!

xxxxxxxx

Morning ladies
Not much happening here with me - after getting the bfn yesterday feeling bit deflated iykwim
No plans for today as waiting for delivery of cat food IAMS - got bargain of 4 3kg bags for £34 including delivery
Then maybe party - nah think will pop out to local shops for a wander, a friend is popping round later for a natter
Hope you all have a good day
X x

That thread is total b*llocks, I genuinely don't understand why people feel the need to chip in with their totally irrelevant comments.

Anyway, hope we're all ok today.

stunned forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn here but is it not a bit soon to be doing pregnancy tests? Apologies, but I'm just concerned that you're torturing yourself with tests!

Noo it certainly wasn't to check if am newly preggers it was to check it was showing a bfn after delivering Amelia on 13/05/11
Sad I know but really wanted to double check thing
:(

Oh I'm sorry, I'd misunderstood why you were doing it.

No worries - maybe should have explained myself better
I was told to test a week after then if still showing BFP to check a week after if still showing a BFP do one more test & return to dr if still positive.
:(
X x

Stunned... it's weird isn't it - it's one of those situations where a BFN is sort of good news - it means there is no retained placenta and that they did a good job.... But I'm sure you wish you weren't in this situation at all...

Had a weird conversation with someone last night trying to talk around the fact that I've had a termination.... Think I made myself seem really incoherent! Sigh...

stunned - I did the pg test thing too. I wasnt told to tho'. i decided to just do it out of interest because i'd read somewhere that it can take 6 WEEKS to go neg after a mc or termination. I remember thinking it was going to get complicated with ttc with old positives still being there. i had a fairly strong pos 6 days after mine, and 6 days after that it was so weak it was more or less a neg. I felt very upset when i saw that it was still positive. And then upset about the neg the week after! lol Like knitter says - its a good thing really to get your neg.

Cat food! i really want to start getting it online too. So blooming expensive at the pet shop. I use, well the cats use Royal Canin. Pouches and dry. £££££

knitter how are you lovie?

egglet - hello hun. Why were you tying yourself in knots about the termination then? Did the person not know? That thing about no boys for 100 years! Wow. Is it true about no boy babies being born tho'?

cinnamon - that drives me bonkers when that happens too!!! You spend a ridiculous amount of time banging on about stuff and get it all off your chest and then it gets lost and no bug*er ever gets to read it!

darlingred - hello! Dont think we've 'spoken' before, but i have read some of your posts in the past. Glad your finding this thread supportive lovie. I dont know what i woulkd have done without it.

Must run, Love to all of you xxx

misty it was knitter who sounds like she was in a tricky situation not me.

It is true that the last male born was in 1917 as my grandma had brothers, but she had only girls, those girls only had girls and those girls (me and my sisters & cousins) only have girls. However, there are not tonnes of us, I think it's 13 consecutive female births. This is not beyond the realms of chance though but it does niggle at me.

misty yes it was me getting in a twist.. was at the pub last night with someone who knew/thought we were TTC but didn't know about the termination. She saw I was drinking diet coke and did the whole eyebrows raised thing... Started a sentace which was going to end with 'because of the termination' but had to backtrack and sidetrack and generally fall over myself...

egg we had a similar thing re boys BTW... My grandpa was one of three boys, they had five counsins between them of mixed sex... All those counsins had girls of which I'm the second youngest... Of the children of the cousins I'm the only one whose had a boy - DH likes to say that his sperm is so potent it would break any curse... I suspect it's more random than that!

Evening ladies
Oh this afternoon has been a bad day - was going out but as it was raining I fell sleeps on the sofa with the two cats sleeping on me. Popped not the local shopping centre - m&s had a sale on - picked up a top then put it own thinking nah will make me look pregnant Q tears
I ended up in the ladies crying for about 20mins - good job I was on my own. Although hubby called me whilst he was on a break at work whilst ibwas in the loo.
Went out to meet friends & ended up in tears yet again - i looked like rudolf with my red nose....
misty the only time was was pleased to see bfn BUT I was sad to see bfn if that makes sense.
In our family there are girls all the way although I am not fussed as I will be delighted with any sex that s happy / healthy
X x