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I've been so stupid. Can you offer perspective?

(33 Posts)
Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 13:00:41

I am writing here as I have recently found out I am pregnant. Although I am unsure of the father.(i am truely ashamed)
I had my last menstrual period 16 may 15' I had regular unprotected sex with my ex up untill around 27,28, we then split up and I foolishly had a one night stand with an old friend in the early hrs of the 3rd of June. He did not ejacute inside of me. He had a shower and we had sex again but he was unable to finish.
I did a clear blue digital conception indicator test last monday just gone that said pregnant 2-3 weeks.
who is most likely to be the father?
I usually ovulate around 13 days after lmp judging by 3previous pregnancies with my ex.
I am thinking 3rd of june would have been too far past ovulation to be my friends?

fuzzywuzzy Fri 19-Jun-15 13:08:35

what's you average cycle length?

Think the best way to find out would be to have a paternity test.

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 13:09:31

Its around 27/28 days.

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 13:12:07

The longest its ever been is 30days.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 19-Jun-15 13:14:02

think you can assume it is your ex's you're fertile time would have ended around 01/06/15, unless you ov late.

Really think paternity test is the only way you will ever know. Could you ask your friend to take one to rule him out?

Finola1step Fri 19-Jun-15 13:17:15

I'm really sorry Alex but with the dates, there is no way of being certain. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, you will need to do a paternity test to find out for sure.

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 13:17:23

Id rather not as he would hound me. He doesn't have children and thinks he is unable to have them. If he found out now I was pg he wouldn't give me peace

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Fri 19-Jun-15 13:25:40

With those dates it is very hard to guess.

It is mostly likely your ex's (because you had sex more times and the other man didn't ejaculate inside you) . But you cannot be sure.

Do you know what you are going to do?

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 13:28:29

No I don't atm. Im too confused I suffer very bad pnd. Im not sure I could or would come through it alone sad

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Fri 19-Jun-15 13:35:35

sad Take some time to let it sink in. There are a lot of wise women on here who will talk to you about your options.

You have said that you were having unprotected sex with your ex - were you ttc before you split? Is the split definitely final?

I feel for you. i have had a surprise pregnancy and it is tough (and I wasn't single so had support ).

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 13:41:18

We were sort of trying but things just went haywire over night in our relationship it seems. We share many many yrs so i don't believe it would be final no. He wants us to work things out. But he wouldn't if he knew there was a possibility this baby wasn't his.

Nottalotta Fri 19-Jun-15 14:04:46

From the dates you have given it seems most likely that it is your ex partners but there is no way to be totally sure without a paternity test.

Branleuse Fri 19-Jun-15 14:13:18

I think it could be either of theirs. 50/50

Are you going to continue with the pregnancy?

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 14:40:28

Yes I don't think its 50/50 either. Im sure its my exes but not positive.
logically I know its highly unlikely I would have caught pregnant 4/5 days after I ovulated by a man who is possibly infertile and didn't ejaculate but obviously I cant be positive either.

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 14:45:03

My friend has no children from past relationships despite trying. The clear blue test matches up with my ex. It would have or should have said 1-2 weeks at most for conception with my friend.
im having a scan on tuesday. If I measure 5+4 then my ex will tally. If i measure 4+6 then it will tally with my friend.

HelenF350 Fri 19-Jun-15 15:15:24

Scans are not 100% either, the only way to know for sure is a DNA test I'm afraid.

IssyStark Fri 19-Jun-15 15:21:53

Early scans are more accurate 'though and would be able to tell almost a week's discrepancy.

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 15:22:26

Yes i know but I spoke to a mw and she said that a dating scan earlier are very accurate and since my last dates in pregnancy have been spot on she doesn't believe there would be that much of an error.

sianihedgehog Fri 19-Jun-15 15:43:57

My dates from scans during this pregnancy have varied by ten full days. There is definitely no way to tell by a scan date. I agree it's most likely to be your ex, but you'd need a test to be certain. Telling your ex that you had sex with someone else during the breakup isn't a big deal, that's what people do during a breakup.

goodnessgraciousgouda Fri 19-Jun-15 22:43:55

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you are trying to justify to yourself passing this baby off as your ex's, when you can't be sure.

You simply cannot do that. I'm sorry, but you just can't. No matter how convenient it would be, or how much you hope it to be true, you cannot lie by omission on this.

You need to take a few days to decide what you want to do about this pregnancy, and you can't make assumptions about the paternity when doing so. You have options available to you, but only you can decide what you want.

At best, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy you could tell your ex that you are almost entirely certain that it is his child, but you cannot guarantee this and he is welcome to take a paternity test after the birth. He does not have the right to know who the other potential father is, and don't let him bully you into saying anything. You aren't obliged to say anything to your "friend" until the moment your ex's paternity is disproved.

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 23:02:31

I dont need to justify anything since I will be raising this child by myself either way it turns out. I can be pretty sure I know who the dad is since it is not possible to conceive days after ovulation. However there will always be some doubt as I was with more than one person that month.

Alex18123 Fri 19-Jun-15 23:04:23

I had sex with an infertile man who didnt ejaculate after ovulation.

newbian Sat 20-Jun-15 04:08:58

Are you assuming your friend is infertile because he hasn't had kids? Or has that been medically confirmed? Seems like you are reaching a bit just because he tried with someone else and she didn't get pregnant. Many couples can take up to a year to conceive with no fertility problems.

Alex18123 Sat 20-Jun-15 09:19:22

He's tried with more than one person over the past 11yrs. Me and him have a history. And we never got pregnant in the past either. I wouldnt know if it was medically proven. Its just what he told me he was infertile about 3yrs ago.

sianihedgehog Sat 20-Jun-15 09:30:53

You don't KNOW when you ovulated or exactly when you concieved OP. You can't find either of those things out, either. As I say, I had quite a lot of scans during this pregnancy, because of complications, and estimates varied by ten full days, even when there were consultants looking carefully, repeatedly, with the specific goal of finding out how far along I was. And having tried for a baby without success doesn't mean someone is infertile - one of my exes ended up a dad by accident because he thought he was infertile on that basis. Nor does not ejaculating inside you mean you can't get pregnant.

You're going to have to do a paternity test. It's unfair to the child not to - they could quite literally end up involved with a relative when they are older if they don't know. And they have a right to know who their parents are, for the sake of their health - what if one of those guys developed a genetic illness that could also affect the child later on?

But really, this happens ALL THE TIME. I know you probably feel awful about it, but you're one of three women in the past month or so to ask pretty much exactly the same thing here. Hell, I've definitely taken enough chances when I was younger that it could have been me in your shoes! As an adult woman you're perfectly entitled to have sex with people while single and you should never let them make you feel bad about having sex. And it takes two to have unsafe sex - that's not something you should shoulder all the blame for either. Hold your head high, don't let them make you feel bad, and find out which guy is the father for the sake of the baby alone.

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