I think I just need to get this off my chest and hopefully get support and reassurance off other parents who have experienced this guilt.
I have a 3.5 year old son who although had his challenging moments is in lots of other ways a fantastic child and I love him to pieces.
I also have a 9 week old baby and my 3y/o has had to come to terms with a lot of adjustments since the baby came along. Me and DH expected a deterioration in DS's behaviour and agreed that we'd pick our battles with him and perhaps be a bit more lenient with him to accommodate his reaction to the baby arriving. In general that's worked well, he gushes over the baby, shows no jealousy towards him at all but me and DH are having to deal with some difficult attention seeking behaviour.
Today our 3y/o has been pushing our buttons and deliberately and repeatedly doing things we've asked him not to over and over again. This includes things like jumping on the sofa, throwing the baby's playmat around, trying to climb into the baby's bouncy chair and many other behaviours. I hate the way he looks at us when he does these things because it's like he's goading us. I know it's all part of him wanting our attention since the baby arrives but it's just so hard to manage sometimes.
It all came to a head this evening when after all day of him misbehaving he screamed when his dinner was put in from of him, refused to eat it (he's had it plenty of times before), went hysterical, started shouting, kept getting up from the table and trying to run off and as a result of him persistently being silly he ultimately knocked his plate off the table which ended up face down on our new carpet. He stopped in his tracks then because he knew things had gone too far. My DH told him that he wasn't getting anything else to eat and sent him to his room to calm down.
I was then in the living room cleaning up DS's toys and the baby was on the play mat in the corner of the room. DS suddenly ran into the room like a little whirlwind and went over to the playmat and completely unexpectedly started hitting the baby on his stomach which then led to the baby crying. I couldn't believe what I was seeing as DS had never shown any worrying behaviours towards the baby and I just lost it.
I put DS on the naughty step and told him that he must never EVER hit his baby brother and that I was extremely angry at him. I used a tone of voice with him that I've never used before but after him being disobedient all day and then hitting the baby I just couldn't take anymore. He messed around on his naughty step, shouting out, blowing raspberries and just generally trying to get a reaction out of us.
By this point me and DH were drained and told him that he'd behaved so badly all day that he was going to bed early.
Prior to putting him into bed I told him again how disappointed I was that he'd hit his baby behaviour and even more upset because he hadn't apologised for it.
Tonight DS was put to bed by DH (I usually do it) without having had any tea and no bedtime stories and songs which is what I normally do with him.
There's no way I could have done our normal bedtime routine though because I couldn't have him thanking that his awful behaviour during the day was being excused or that him hitting the baby didn't have consequences. I felt angry towards him.
Anyhow, I've just gone into his room and thought how angelic he looks when he's asleep. I tucked him in and kissed his head and the guilt just started creeping up on me.
His behaviour has never been as bad as it was today, usually he has a few little moments during the day but is otherwise well behaved. Today he was just so deliberately naughty almost from the moment he woke up and me and DH hit the point of feeling like he should be punished. I really hate that word. 
I'm sorry this post is so long, I just needed to get it off my chest. I have told DH that I feel guilty about how the day ended but he said I shouldn't as DS's behaviour had been awful all day and that hitting the baby just cannot be condoned.
Has anyone else had days and feelings like this?
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Shouted at and punished my 3y/o and feel so guilty.
QueenAmongstMen · 20/10/2017 23:09
Yes i have had a few days like this recently. I have an almost three year old who has behaved just like this plus hitting her younger brother. I have shouted and then felt really guilty.
It is so so frustrating when it feels like a battle all day. It is really very tiring.
Is it possible to get a good night's sleep if your OH can do the night feeds if possible? I find sleep deprivation makes my DC's behaviour harder to manage.
I don't have much in the way of advice. I have tried all manner of techniques including time-out, naughty step, no reaction etc.
I'm currently trialing holding hands and counting to ten together until said three year old calms down enough to talk calmly about the behaviour.
It still takes all my energy and resources to keep it together though 
Don't beat yourself up though. Tomorrow is a new day !
Oh and then after they have calmed down and we have spoke about the behaviour...ten seconds later they are doing whatever it was again.
I despair. I feel your pain 
Honestly I think it sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job! 
I agree with Titty 100%. 3yos don't goad or push buttons. They're 3. It's a hard time for you too but try and see it from his perspective. I always do stories and songs no matter what, because it's a nice time for both of us. I don't think a 3yo would equate that with "bad behaviour" being endorsed. It just shows you love him no matter what. Tomorrow is another day OP
The strange thing is that when he's home with just me and the baby his behaviour is generally pretty good - it's very rare he misbehaves, but when his dad is around things seems to go very downhill.
DS absolutely knows between wrong and right and he knows when he's doing something that he shouldn't be. Behaviours that he' displayed today are ones that he's been told 100 times over not to do and he still does it again and again, usually whilst laughing and checking that we are watching. It isn't like he's done these things as a one off and we've over reacted, he'd been doing it continually throughout the day despite being told not to.
By the time the dinner incident occurred and then when he hit the baby we'd been dealing with almost 12 hours of him misbehaving, we weee just drained with dealing it. Our reactions weren't based on just a brief spell of naughtiness where he made a slight misdemeanour, it was based on a whole day of him being defiant and then physically hurting the baby.
Yes he did go to bed without a main meal. On previous occasions when he's not had his main meal we've given him some toast instead but he absolutely LOVES toast and would probably rather have that anyway so we felt like by giving him some it was giving him some kind of reward and it would only encourage him to refuse dinners if he knew he'd get toast as a result. If we'd offered an alternative to toast he wouldn't have eaten it anyway as like a previous poster had said, he'd gone past the stage of where he's sit down and eat.
About two hours prior to dinner he'd had some yoghurt, a banana and a cup of milk (his usual mid afternoon snack) and so I knew he'd at least had something. We obviously gave him a drink when he went to bed too. I'm not saying that sending him to bed without a main meal was the best parenting decision but in that moment of feeling utterly exasperated by his continued bad behaviour and the anger at him hitting his brother we just reacted in that way.
In general I'm the least strict parent in that I'm quite calm with him if he does something naughty and talk it through with him etc whereas DH tends to come down on him much harder, so the fact that I really raised my voice at him and agreed with my DH to an early bedtime just shows how bad things had been.
I do feel guilty about how things ended because I always make a point of letting DS know he's loved but after he hit the baby I just couldn't act normally and have him think he could get away with doing that diet if thing. He has to know that hitting the baby isn't acceptable and that although we hadn't punished him for his bad behaviour in the day (apart from repeatedly telling him not to do things) we felt he had to know that there were consequences for hitting the baby. We have always bought him up not to hit, push, shove others etc which he's always adhered to because he knows it's not a nice thing to do and it's not nice to hurt people so he knew that not only was hitting the baby but also that if anything was going to provoke an extreme reaction, it would be that.
We generally try and ignore the bad behaviour and really praise the good behaviour but we felt that hitting the baby was not something we could just ignore or take a softly softly approach too, especially when he'd been misbehaving all day too.
I feel sad because he's so, so wonderful in lots of ways and today has been out of character for him but I can't take back anything DH and I did or said
As a previous poster said though, tomorrow is another day and I plan on beginning it with our kisses and cuddles as normal and us starting on a clean sheet.
None of us are perfect parents, I imagine we all make mistakes and do and say things we regret in the heat of the moment. In hindsight things may have been handled better but that notion only arises after you've had time to reflect on it.
Having children can be hard at times and it really is about muddling through and learning as you do.
I'm looking forward to seeing him in the morning and I just hope we can have a better day.
OP you sound like such a lovely mummy! Please don't feel guilty, you and your dh definitely l did the right thing.
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Prior to DS2 arriving me and DS1 were so close, we'd spend so much time together and play and have so much fun together and now that's tot changed. I really miss the relationship that DS1 and I had and I have been in tears over it many times. I hate the fact I don't get to do his bedtime every night, I hate the fact that sometimes I'm stuck upstairs for hours trying to settle the baby whilst DH and DS have fun downstairs. I just miss him. I'm breast feeding DS2 which obviously makes it difficult for me and DS1 to have long periods of one-to-one time though I do try where possible.
Prior to tonight (well, yesterday now) DS1 has always been so loving and affectionate towards the baby in lots of different ways which is why I was so shocked when he hit him.
When I talk to DH about how life has changed for us all, but especially for DS1, I have always said that although DS is displaying undesirable behaviour towards us I'm just grateful that any jealousy he has he doesn't direct to the baby. I've always loved seeing how DS1&2 are together, it makes me feel that the decision to have a second baby has benefitted us all we have given DS1 something very special so I don't know if I could bear it if DS1 now starts showing anger and dislike towards the baby.
The whole thing is quite upsetting really. I know this stage is relatively short and there will come a time when DS1 and I can start spending more time together and when DS1 will be able to have more interaction with DS2 and start to form a two way relationship but right now that time feels a million miles away
First off, you sound like you're doing a great job. I've got a 2 year old and a baby and it is hard.
You say you really miss the time you spent with DS1, I bet he misses it too. Could you carve out some time together just the two of you while DH takes the baby? Even if it's a short bath together playing in the foam, or a favourite story with him on your lap and no baby near, that might help his behaviour. It doesn't have to be long to make a difference.
You say you feel bad for your reaction - could you explain that to him in easy terms to understand? Something like that you understand it's hard for him with a new baby brother around. It's okay to feel sad and cross about it sometimes. Say you were tired and a bit cross too yesterday and you're sorry for shouting at him. Reiterate that you can't let him hit the baby but you're sorry for not doing bedtime etc (if you are, if not then don't put that bit in!). It's good for kids to see that sometimes adults mess up and when you do, you apologise.
(Fwiw - I totally understand your reaction and am not saying you're a bad parent in any way. Just that you seemed to feel a bit sorry for not handling it as well as you could have, given more sleep and more patience!)
Finally, I have been using Janet Lansbury's No Bad Kids a lot with my twonager. It's on kindle and gives you ways of coping with kids who are pushing boundaries (ie all toddlers). I think it has a particular section on a new baby arriving.
She likes the phrase 'I can't let you do that' which puts a boundary up around the behaviour without shame or judgement. She recommends trying not to create situations where kids are going to push your buttons, ie if baby isn't in bouncer, put it out of toddler's reach or in another room. Just try and avoid battles, then you have more resources for the ones you do have to fight.
If toddler is being horrendous, change the scene. Get all of you outside for some fresh air and the chance to run off steam.
And love bomb him at this time. 9 weeks is a hard time, you're still hormonal and recovering and it's just settling in that this is everyone's new normal. He needs reassurance that you love him just the same. His behaviour will be a way of testing that. Keep putting clear boundaries up around non-negotiatable behaviour like hitting the baby but keep your cool as much as possible and cut him a bit of slack.
for you.
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