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Funniest bit of childbirth

(810 Posts)
rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

mammaduck Sun 14-Jan-07 21:53:08

This thread has had me crying with laughter.

My favourite was the DH who ate the toast intended for his DW!

mammaduck Sun 14-Jan-07 21:50:39

While on pethadine, I emerged from a drug-induced stupor to announce:

"Isn't it lucky we're not on an aeroplane."

Well, yes, I guess it was...

Thunderpants Sun 14-Jan-07 21:22:33

nothing funny for me, but my BF had a student midwife in, who kept stroking her gently and saying are you ok? BF said no i'm f*ing not, and slapped her hand hard! Also had another friend who was high on pethidine and kept singing football chants and shouting "you're shit, aaah!" at anyone who came into the room.

CillaField Sun 14-Jan-07 20:54:05

Re: embarassing labour stories. I had my third child in a birthing pool which was fab, apart from the bit where I thought I was pushing him out and instead, up floated a nice big poo - which was swiftly scooped out by the mid-wife, using a plastic seive. I didn't find it funny at the time.

3Ddonut Sun 14-Jan-07 20:50:49

sorry, that should be 'hadn't offered dh any gas and air!!! doh!

3Ddonut Sun 14-Jan-07 20:49:46

During the preparation for the birth of my first, I had read that it is thought animals do not suffer pain the same way we do, but it is actually because they don't understand what is happening and don't know that another contraction is on it's they sleep between contractions. I had no sensation at all to push and kept having to be woken to push at one point I was heard to wail ' I'm a sheeeeeeppp!!!!!'

Second: first push waters broke. dh: shall I get the mw? me: better had. third push ds born mw practically caught him as she walked through the door, mw: 'what a nice birth' me: you should try it from this end'!

Third: Suddenly realising part way through hadn't offered dh any: urgent request 'do you want some' dh: shaking his head embarrassed! Also dh thinks it's funny, me not so.... I knew I was having a girl, just after she was born, seconds afer, he said we've got a (masculine version of her name) me: whaaaatt?? him: he hehe he you should have seen your face!!

lizbet316 Sun 14-Jan-07 20:00:09

After DS had been delivered and Epidural was wearing off I felt the need to wee
Me: I need to wee
Stroppy MW: No you don't - you're just getting confused with the feeling of the epidural
Me: No I really need to wee
(MW reluctantly got a bedpan lifted me onto it)
MW: err...can you stop weeing now, the pan is getting a bit full
Me: no I can't
MW ended up having to carry overflowing pan of bloody wee down the corridor

Amiable Sun 14-Jan-07 19:17:45

DrunkenSailor – sorry, but PMSL at your story!! And Lubyloo, falling off your birthing ball! Ashayden – proud Dad then!

During the final part of my labour, the head had crowned, but the baby was not turning and the shoulders were stuck, so every time I had a contraction the head would come a little bit out, but as soon as the contraction had gone would disappear back inside again. The MW said, “ well the baby has a good handful of hair”, to which I replied, “well, pull it out by its f*cking hair then!!” (finally got her out with ventouse)

Also, earlier on, my ponytail had come loose, so I asked DP to sort it out. He made a right hash of it, so my mum offered to take over, and managed to ping the bobble against my head. I yelled, and said, “for heavens sake mum, I’m having a baby, I don’t need any more pain!”

PrettyCandles Sun 14-Jan-07 14:51:11

Dh has just reminded me of anotyher: I was so high on G&A that when I tried to talkk to the midwife all thqat came out of my mouth were raspberries. It upset me quite a bit at the time, I was trying so hard to speak coherently, but kept blowing raspberries.

My first labour was so long that dh fell asleepon my hospiatl bed!

ludaloo Sun 14-Jan-07 08:48:00

(maybe it was hilarious after a while! Dh still tells people about it today!!...except he ellaborates and says I managed to knock pictures off the wall )

I have also remembered that dh actually missed dd2 emerging....she was delivered in approx. 15 minutes, so was very quick...but I had dh in a head lock for the entire pushing stage!!!!
(It was all too quick for pain relief this time...but believe me after my experience of no pain relief with ds I was BEGGING for an epidural! I fell out with the midwife...who just shook her head and told me to push!)

ludaloo Sun 14-Jan-07 08:32:45

well I'm told this was hilarious...I personally was in far too much pain to notice!!!..........

I was braving my second birth with as little drugs as poss (yes I know, Very stupid!!!)The midwife hurried in G&A but I was in too much pain and panicking way to much to concentrate on breathing!!! So the midwife in her efforts to calm me suggested I tried a new position. She had me up on all fours, with my head and arms draped over the back of the bed and my backside up in the air facing the midwife, dh, and a student
I was not too happy with this but thought I'd go along with might help to get the little bugger out quicker!
Next thing I know is an almighty pop...A HUGE relief and much comfort!!!
"Oh my god" I thought "I've had it"!!!!!!
Seconds later...dh is up my end of the bed...I'm asking if everything is ok...Dh is soaked from the knees up!!!
My waters had exploded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I then realise I haven't given birth yet as a wave of pain hits me again....rolled back onto my back and a few pushes later my dear little baby had arrived!
I breathed a sigh of relief and looked over to the midwife and the student...who were also wet from the knees up!!!!!!!!
The midwife even had wet hair!!!!!!! EEEWWWWW!

ashayden Sun 14-Jan-07 08:20:45

After my ds was born via section, he was quickly held up for me to see and then taken over to a table to be checked out. My dh was watching them check him over. I hadn't seen him properly so I asked dh what he looked like. He turns to me very excited and said "He's hung like a horse".Everyone in the theatre lost it.

nappyaddict Sun 14-Jan-07 06:37:04

mines the same as yours saltire.

me - i need to push i need to push now.

mw - no no, its far to soon, you just need to poo.

mw scurries off to get cardbaord bowl thing

me - hmm ok if you're sure

my cousin (birthing partner) holy crap she was right there's a head. panics andshouts mw - its coming its coming it isn't a poo she was right

arfishy Sun 14-Jan-07 03:29:58

ROFL! These are hilarious.

Looking back I can't really think of anything too funny in my 32 hour labour. The only thing even vaguely funny was the comedy obstetrician shaped white patch on the wall after my haemorrhage.

BeautifulAva Sun 14-Jan-07 01:41:58

Apologising loudly, on all fours, high on G&A, to all, (whoever they were)for having piles.

jofeb04 Sat 13-Jan-07 23:08:48

Opps, I forgot about the time with dd when I was lying in theatre and the aneathatist was preparing a general, and I told him I wasn't having an injection, then a minute later, literally as he was next to me, I said I needed to push, and the mw looked at me and asked if I was joking. I said no, mw checked, and dd's head was out!

At the time, none of this was funny, but looking back, I remember the look of confusion when I said it!

jofeb04 Sat 13-Jan-07 23:05:40

With ds, i found it funny when a student doctor fainted onto the floor when the consultant did the episiotomy (sp?).

With my dd, it was saying I wasn't going to give birth unless they promised me a chinese!!
Also with dd, after dd was born and midwive took her to see the peeds (sp? again lol), then all I heard was cluttering and mw came screming out "I forgot the placenta"!!

Toady Sat 13-Jan-07 22:04:07

Lubyloo {grin] great image of your DH pulling you out.

ILoveDolly Sat 13-Jan-07 22:00:33

high on gas and air i talked avidly of ... Krispy Kreme donuts WTF? Also funny to midwife, not me, dh (who is a doc and v blase about labour) sitting next to me doing sodding sudoku for hours and hours

LubyLoo Sat 13-Jan-07 21:48:15

Great thread!

I was glued to my birthing ball through most of my labour. I was high on gas and air, bouncing on my ball facing the bed.

Apparently I started apologising saying "I'm sorry I'm so drunk. I'm never normally this drunk" then promptly bounced,slipped off the ball and under the bed! DH had to drag me back out!

LadyOfTheFlowers Sat 13-Jan-07 21:41:15

it was pretty amazing. once i'd calmed down i found it floating about and examined it! lol
should have stuck it on ebay!

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Sat 13-Jan-07 21:37:25

LOTF, apparently babies born in the amniotic sac are supposed to be supremely lucky (according to folklore). It was known as 'being born in a caul' and sailors used to pay a fortune for the discarded sac to protect them from harm when at sea.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Sat 13-Jan-07 21:33:06

Forgot to mention:

A couple of days after childbirth, MW asking "Now, what are you going to do for contraception?"

Very funny.

lackofgravitas Sat 13-Jan-07 21:16:55

Peculiar, rather than funny ... the obstetrician asking DH 'did you study in Boston then?' DH was utterly baffled by the question, so I pointed out that he was wearing his MIT t-shirt, and the doctor was enquiring as to whether he'd studied there. Even at the time was thinking that it was mad that, lying there with wires and tubes all over the place, baby in distress, about to be attacked with a ventouse, part of my brain was together enough to realise what on EARTH this conversation was about.

BeautifulAva Sat 13-Jan-07 21:04:34


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