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Funniest bit of childbirth

(819 Posts)
rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

poppiesinaline Fri 12-Jan-07 15:56:02

The look on DH's face when he realised that if he didnt move his arm away from my face pretty pronto I was likely to take a huge bite out of him.

Miaou Fri 12-Jan-07 15:57:56

Am lol at your midwife and the sudoku confusion!!

sassy Fri 12-Jan-07 15:58:29

Hallucinating on the gas and air and ranting about the dire film (Brother Bear, Disney) that we'd watched with dd1 that evening. I must have had a leetle trouble making myself understood cos DH looked at me with a concerned face and said "Sassy, its a baby you're having, not a bear, you know that don't you?"

ShowOfHands Fri 12-Jan-07 16:10:09

I was a birth partner for my friend in April 2006 and her waters hadn't broken even though she had been pushing for half an hour. The midwife got her knitting needley thing and bent down to do the necessary and..


Right in the midwife's mouth/eyes/hair. It was phenomenal and even my friend was laughing uncontrollably.

compo Fri 12-Jan-07 16:12:36

First tim....Dh commenting that the weather was really wild outside as he could hear the wind really gusting. Until I pointed out that it was in fact the woman next door wailing in pain
Second time... me saying to the midwfire 'am I relly in labour' hen I arrived at hospital by ambulance... and her replying 'yes the baby will be here in 10 minutes' and 2 pushes later she had arrived....

kittypants Fri 12-Jan-07 16:12:48

out of it on gas and air asking for a dog instead of baby.also talking to dh's dead dad.

lulumama Fri 12-Jan-07 16:13:53

<<really trying hard to think of a funny bit..........erm......still thinking.......erm.....was there? ........ hmm...will get back to you >>

DaisyMOO Fri 12-Jan-07 16:15:02

Sitting on the toilet whilst having a contraction and seeing the cat frantically trying to jump in through the window (he'd been ejected for the duration) He'd manage to get his claws on the top of the window then fall straight back down again. It hurt so much if I laughed, but I just couldn't stop!

Looking back it's also funny remembering myself whining 'I don't want to have a baby' and the midwife saying 'well, tough luck, cos you're having one' about 5 minutes before he was born

TheArmadillo Fri 12-Jan-07 16:19:19

While high on gas and air
Thinking I was reinacting the birth scene from Dumbo (yes I realised after there is no birth scene in Dumbo - in fact its famous for the storks )

Secondly when my mum went out the room whispering (loudly) to my dp 'dude this stuff is like so cool, its like being really stoned' and then collapsing into giggles. And dp giving me an odd look.

Rosylily Fri 12-Jan-07 16:23:53

Telling the mw I NEEDED to get my trousers off and her face when she did- because baby's head was out!

rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 16:24:05

I also remember when during my section, they held up my daughter and I said 'oh, I was expecting a kitten'

The Armadillo - I said similar things about gas and air but also offered EVERYONE a toke!

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands Fri 12-Jan-07 16:24:10

Oh the bit where you feel like your fanjo is on fire and your whole body is breaking apart from the inside out and you can't possibly be in this must unrelenting pain, it just isn't possible or feasible or natural and you feel like you would just like someone to shoot you twice in the head to make it all STOP... that was my funniest bit!

Dinosaur Fri 12-Jan-07 16:27:07

During DS2's high speed labour - the uterine equivalent of 0 to 60 in about 4 seconds...

DH to Dinosaur: "Breathe! Remember your breathing!"

Dinosaur to DH: "I am f**king breathing! Now f* off!"

He went and read the Guardian for a while .

hatwoman Fri 12-Jan-07 16:33:49

when it became apparent that dd2 was going to arrive before the midwife I told my mum to get a book from the dining room table - it was Miriam Stoppard and I knew there was a page on what to do if you deliver with no professionals there. Mum didn;t hear what I wanted but assumed it was towels or something useful like that. she went downstairs. no towels, came back up "not there". me - in between contractions: "yes it is. ON THE TABLE" mum went back down. looked, still nothing she could conceivably think would be useful during labour. came back up. "no, can't see anything". me at top volume "IT'S ON THE FUCKING TABLE" I have never spoken to my mum like that before or since.

Cashncarry Fri 12-Jan-07 16:34:03

Lying in an operating theatre with my legs up in stirrups while the Registrar attempted to turn DD around manually, suddenly watching everyone turn towards my DH asking if he needed to lie down, did he want a chair etc. etc. (apparently he'd gone green!)

PMSL laughing despite the pain and humiliation of it all as I'd asked him repeatedly if he wanted to be at the birth, was he squeamish and him insisting he'd be fine (he actually said "I've killed sheep fgs")!

Found out only recently that he felt faint because some of my blood spattered up on his face when they were giving me an episiotomy poor little lamb

DrunkenSailor Fri 12-Jan-07 16:44:35

Message withdrawn

Tutter Fri 12-Jan-07 16:46:03

when i realised (an hour into advanced labour) that the mp3 player we'd taken in had been playing the same coldplay song over and over - neither dh nor the midwife had noticed!

Bethbe Fri 12-Jan-07 16:59:50

Just before pushing I ordered a Lancashire Hotpot!

Dinosaur Fri 12-Jan-07 17:01:53

DrunkenSailor - !

grouchyoscar Fri 12-Jan-07 17:03:11

I was a total bolshie cow at my birth. I'd already caused havoc in the preceeding weeks as I wanted to have my best friend who is an aromatherapist there and discharging myself from the delivery suite 2 days before as I was not happy and wanted to cope at home. I never asked but I had convinced myself that my bump was a baby girl.

After 6 hrs of labour and the inane silliness of it:-
Playing Trivial Pursuits and forgeting to remember the contractions
Attempting to ride the birthing ball like a space hopper down the midwife lead unit
Asking to stop with 10 mins to go to say thank you for a wonderful time (MW is sure I wanted pain relief and was saying it was too late.)
Deliberatley not pushing so my best mate could be there at the moment (poped to the loo)

DH is at the business end I do the final pushes after the MW has released the shoulders...

DH...Hello Fella!
Me 'Fella?'
DH 'yes you've had a girl with a winkle'
Me 'A girl with a winkle? Praise be it's a miricale'
MW 'will you lot stop it?'

The most brilliant, silliest, most meaningful 6 hrs of my life

Must have been good as BF is on the 2nd year of her midwiffery degree now

DrunkenSailor Fri 12-Jan-07 17:07:47

Message withdrawn

annieapple7 Fri 12-Jan-07 17:11:55

I was in the bath on all fours at home when the baby was coming down the chute. High on gas and air I was convinced the baby was coming down the wrong tube. I stage-whispered to the midwife, "The baby is coming out of my bum. Honestly. It really is. I can feel it."
And she said, "Well we've never had that before!"
Luckily midwife was right and baby delivered down the right chute.

grouchyoscar Fri 12-Jan-07 17:13:46

Armadillo...yep did the same, 'this is like the best dope EVER!' offered it round, giggled like a Clerks stoner and emptied a whole tank of entinox

motherinferior Fri 12-Jan-07 17:14:52

The bit where I was so bombed on gas and air that I thought woozily 'testicles...but no willy!'

DD2 is three and a half now.

saltire Fri 12-Jan-07 17:17:06

I didn't think labour was funny, as far as i'm concerned it was hellish.
However, i will never forget the look on the midwives face when, after telling me i was x amount of centimetres dilated, and that it would be a couple of hours before baby arrived, then 10 mnutes later i got this urge to push, and told her, she was saying "i don't think you do need to push, you probably just need a poo!". So she had a look and said "Oh my goodness you were right"

Whizzz Fri 12-Jan-07 17:18:01

The guy who gave me my epidural commented that I had a strong back & then asked did I play much sport...through gritted teeth I managed to spit out.... "not at the moment"

DrunkenSailor Fri 12-Jan-07 17:20:34

Message withdrawn

2boysmacca Fri 12-Jan-07 17:25:07

Birth of ds1. Dh was fascinated with the machine measuring the heart rate and contractions. Without taking an eye off the monitor

dh "take gas now your having a big contraction"
Macca "I don't need a f*cking machine to tell me I'm having a contraction"


MW lost baby heartbeat and pressed the emergency alarm. Tea lady arrived saying "did you call for help!"

Finally, after 3 calls of the alarm the room suddenly filled with 8 people, one of which was a man standing very quietly in the corner, noting on a clip board. My overriding memory was me shouting why the fuck is that bloke looking at my bits taking notes

I took the homebirth route 2nd time round....

ernest Fri 12-Jan-07 17:41:23

didn't want to know whether having boy or girl. During labour midwife went for a feel around and after went off to get a doctor muttering hmmm, I'm sure I felt testicles ......

So that'll be a boy then

And a breech

And a c-section

porkpie Fri 12-Jan-07 17:43:36

Crawling around on all fours in the day assessment unit at 08:00am, waiting for a midwife to start her shift and confirm that I was in labour, the place was deserted apart from a cleaner calmly mopping the floor.

The midwife having to remind me that I would need to remove my trousers and knickers to have the baby

Wolfing down a plate of lunch in between delivery my ds and the placenta!

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Fri 12-Jan-07 17:49:44

In the relative still of the night at the Rosie Maternity Hospital in Addenbrookes, Cambridge whilst I was appreciating the calming effects of the epidural and the midwife was quietly checking out the proceedings with her clipboard and DH was dozing in the corner, there came an almighty crash, bang, smash. Midwife looked up at me, over her glasses, put down the clipboard and popped out of the room. for a few minutes. As she came back in, and the door slowly closed behind her, I caught sight of an unconscious man being wheeled past the doorway in a wheelchair by 2 paramedics. He was the DH of the woman next door and had decided it was all a bit too much for him. Poor love.

Apart from that bit of light relief it was 'orrible.

Lact8 Fri 12-Jan-07 17:56:55

Our hospital has a maternity unit called the Coldra, which is the same name as the out of hours GP centre. The midwife asked me mid contraction where I would like to have the baby, here or at the Coldra and I shouted I'm having the baby right now here and there is no way you are making me go to the fecking coldra, do you understand?????

Not as funny as some on here, have been pmsl!

Also when I broke Dp's finger during another contraction and refused to let him go to Casualty to get it seen to

PinkTulips Fri 12-Jan-07 18:03:27

with ds i had had an ARM and was walking around the room.... every few mins when i had a contraction i had to stop and call the student mw to come over and mop up the huge gush of fluid that flooded out of me.... she gave me 2 huge pads every time and every time i just flooded straight through them, my bump was half the size befor i even started pushing!

grouchyoscar Fri 12-Jan-07 18:07:29

Not childbirth per se but during the final antenatal appointment with the ob he turned round to DH and said 'you do know to offer only 2 fingers dont you?'

much mouthing of 'what?' and 'don't know!' behing Obs back

Then the Ob says 5 mins later 'because I've seen men have their fingers broken in the delivery room'

In the car park DH says 'Glad he sorted that out, not read it anywhere but I thought he was advocating fisting my wife'

Plibble Fri 12-Jan-07 18:09:37

During c.s.

Consultant to baby: Hello
Plibble to anaesthetist: Is it a girl?
Anaesthetist to Plibble: I don't know
Plibble: Did you miss that day of medical school?

(Only the head was out).

And believing that the nurse trying (and failing) to take blood was in fact... Gail Porter (on some kind of sabbatical from her tv work) and later saying to DH "Gail Porter is rubbish at taking blood, they should send her for special training." He just nodded wearily.

PrettyCandles Fri 12-Jan-07 18:13:35

Well, I did think I was the bee's knees while on the G&A with ds1. Move over Billy Connolly! Cracking jokes, telling stories, reciting poems - and then glancing over at dh and the midwife, who were sitting by my bed, totally po-faced.

Yelling at people (mostly poor old dh) when they did or said the wrong thing mid-contraction, then following it up when the contraction had ended wwith a quiet, polite, "Please".

Enid Fri 12-Jan-07 18:16:45

my best friend, drunk, laying on the side of teh birthing pool, waving a glass of champagne at me saying 'come ON come ON Enid get on with it then you can have THIS!'

twickersmum Fri 12-Jan-07 18:18:43

with dd1 head came out (VB) then contraction finishes with her still half in me. She started wailing, we're all waiting for next contraction for me to give further push to get the rest of her out, seemed like eternity, midwife says "it's like buses, when you want one it doesn't come along"...
all the time baby's head sticking out of me!

finecheese Fri 12-Jan-07 18:19:16

Poo, is what springs to mind. The birthing pool was full of it after I'd been in there - except for the bits that the midwife had kindly scooped out with a colander which my DH told me about later. Then i shat again in theatre when they did the ventouse. Dignity out of window, but amazed and chuffed they my DH didn't piss himself laughing till we got home...

loujay Fri 12-Jan-07 18:21:00

DH offering me 2 paracetamol prior to going to hospital "to take the edge off"
DD was born 40 minutes later

jollymum Fri 12-Jan-07 18:44:23

DH chatting away to lady in labour, having carefully made sure the door and curtsins round it were closed. Me, showing my bits off to all and sundry? Not me, missus! The indignity of it...the look of total horror on DH's face when he came in and told me he'd been checking the notes of said grunting lady and realised it wasn't me. Had a quick shufty at the business end, decided it wasn't mine and left quickly.

NineUnlikelyTales Fri 12-Jan-07 19:01:16

After a little to much gas and air (to DH)..

"Am I having a pedicure?"

No dear.

funnypeculiar Fri 12-Jan-07 19:17:58

Collapsing into hysterical giggles at the idea that the poor consultant stitching up by fango was "doing macrame" ... ahhhh, gas and air...

mrsdarcy Fri 12-Jan-07 19:44:52

Being induced with DS1
Midwife: you might like to get changed into some nightclothes for when you deliver the baby.
MrsDarcy: no thank you very much, I'll leave my clothes and underwear on.
I realised after a while that there was no way I could avoid having to take my pants off.

Just as I was about to start pushing DS2 out, DH rolled his sleeves up past his elbows in the manner of a vet delivering a calf. The midwife asked him what the hell he thought he was doing so he kept out of the way after that.

Funny in retrospect: being given some toast v shortly after delivering DS2. DH thought it was for him and ate it gratefully commenting on how badly he needed it.

ei24 Fri 12-Jan-07 23:21:06

not so much in labour but...
my waters broke all over our bed at 930 am on a saturday morning,
dp: er i think u need to go the loo cos uv wet urself
ei: ok go back to sleep il go in a min... oh s**t my waters have broken!!
iv never seen a man move so fast!! it was like superman he was round my side of the bed in the blink of an eye to have a look!!
stupid unobservant mw: what makes u think ur waters have broken??
ei: erm well i dont routinely walk around peeing myself in plain veiw of the general public so thats a big effin clue i reckon!! also look at this big shiny puddle around my feet... can i have a wet- floor sign please??!! anyone??...

ei24 Fri 12-Jan-07 23:24:35

also... i asked the mw an the maternity ward ( i was kept in cos i had polyhydramnios) for pain relief and she promptly told me all i could have was paracetamol cos i wasnt in that much pain!! cheeky effer how the f does she know how much pain i was in grrr at this point i was panting and puffing my way through contractions every minute or so...

singsalot Fri 12-Jan-07 23:25:52

lol Enid

singsalot Fri 12-Jan-07 23:35:01

at mrsdarcy and her dh eating the toast, my dh was very glad of a nice cup of tea after my labour with dd, I was in too much shock to eat or drink

ds labour was good, neighbours were out in the garden telling other neighbours I was having hb, the mws were eating lunch out there too, the shocked neighbours looked at them and said "and she has GOT visitors?"

I was half way up the stairs( to give birth in 20 mins) my mum arrived, because I had forgot to give her a dress for my dd to go to a party - I was standing on the landing, serious contraction and my dd had party in 15 mins, I wasn't exactly pleased to see her

after labour, lying in bed, with beautiful son, dh on phone to MIL "it was so much easier this time"

LadyOfTheFlowers Fri 12-Jan-07 23:35:35

when i told dh to fish my black scrunchie out of the pool as it kept floating past my face and the look of horror on the mw's face as dh did as with the dimmed lights she thought it was a turd! lol

LadyOfTheFlowers Fri 12-Jan-07 23:37:05

and also the nurses and midwives rushing around getting dh refreshments after both births and making sure he was ok as he is diabetic! lol
never mind me then!
'any chance of a brew round 'ere for the poor girl whose just squeezed that monster out?!'

skiwear Fri 12-Jan-07 23:44:36

these are brilliant, laughing so much

KoshkaAndJake Fri 12-Jan-07 23:44:55

When I was on G&A for the stitches (it lasted an hour!) I asked if anyone ever asked for their fanjo's to have an extra stitch in to be a bit tighter!! They didnt answer.

Also, the horrible doctor ran in stuck the knitting needle up me and told me to move around, then left. I was spurting water everywhere, trying to mop it up as I went along (WHY???).The lunch lady brought my sundat lunch into the delivery room (not supposed to) and I walked over and ate every single bit I could pick up with my fingers (no fork or anything) it was the best food I have ever eaten but was terrified the MWs were going to tell me off!

Watching Alien resurection (sp?) and thinking I was going to have to go through that!
Oh and making my DP leave the room whenever I needed a wee and the MW saying he was going to see much worse than that!!
Sorry I cant wee in front of anyone,ever!

colditz Fri 12-Jan-07 23:48:42

Telling the midwife to "Shut the fuck up and don't you dare speak to me like that again!"

She had snpped at me to keep the noise down mid contraction!

The funniest thing is, she did shut up, then someone else came in who was whole lot nicer than her.

Goodasgold Fri 12-Jan-07 23:54:48

With dd1
Me(lolling around on bed)'it hurts'
MW Where does it hurt goodasgold?
Me (sitting straight up, slightly worried)'in my fanfare'
With dd2 at home
Dh 'sorry I just need a minute'
Me MV looking at him with great concern???
Dh 'my nose was itchy...I thought I was going to sneeze.'

bananaloaf Sat 13-Jan-07 00:10:59

playing flight of the bumble bee on the water on the pool(it was friday night is music night radio 2)

saying i,m glad i am not an elephant.

Mw saying they would have to give me rectal paracetmol did i mind. me answered well you have been in every other orifice i have might as well go the whole hog

with ds2 mw saying look we know you think you are going to poo and you will but you cant stop the baby form coming cos you are scared you will embarress yourself.

Truffy18 Sat 13-Jan-07 08:14:54

While being stitched up and very high on gas & air, threatening the consultant - "You'd better make a good of job of it else I'm coming to get you!" My DH was mortified as I'm so shy usually!

She then went over the other side of the room and muttered something to my DH. I shouted across the room - "I might be spinning on the ceiling but I can still hear you you know!"

taylormama Sat 13-Jan-07 08:29:23

i was in labour for 2.5 days before actually going into active labour so thought i would do some shopping and lunching with my mum - had many a contraction in Starbucks <<ooh i'll have a chai tea latte and OHMYGOD there is another f'ing contraction - can i have that skinny with wings please >>

Other "funny" bits were being stitched up and i was sucking on the gas and air so hard i was delirious hearing DH saying "i can't get his nappy on - help" and a MW saying in answer to my question how long was this going to be "did i want my sex life ruined forever?" - err at that moment YES i did!

lulumama Sat 13-Jan-07 08:57:11

me , contractions every 4 minutes, best friend, DH and me...all in my leaning over air conditioning unit, huffing and puffing through another contraction, BF helpfully massaging small of my back...DH saying ..'that looks like a good position! must remember that one for after the baby!!" me, without turning my head, saying in a demonic voice,'one more comment like that, i'll rip your f**ng head off' and recommencing huffing ....

i thought it was funny ! not sure about DH ! BF still reminds of it now and we chortle about it !

also DH , quietly eating an entire packet of custard creams , whilst i was in labour, as he was stood slightly behind the bed....and texting my friends 10 minutes before DD was born, saying 'nearly here', one friend was terribly impressed i had been able to do that ! i did tell her eventually it was DH !!!

see, knew i;d think of something!

oh yes !! and asking the registrar to let me stay in hospital 87 times, while she was giving me the pethidine....she was very sweet, and kept saying, 'of course you can stay' ..87 times.....bless her...i had gone a bit loopy with the pain at that point ( no pain relief and OP baby turning !! )

UCM Sat 13-Jan-07 08:59:47

During C/s trying to gag/cough, finishing and saying 'you can start now' as they held ds up

CatBert Sat 13-Jan-07 09:30:14

No particularly funny bits, other than being distinctly aware I could hear a cow moo-ing. And realising it was me.

weeonion Sat 13-Jan-07 09:47:40

lol lol lol
this brightened my saturday morning - and given this is my first - relieved teh sheer panic and dread!

laundrylover Sat 13-Jan-07 10:15:55

These are really cheering me up.

With DD1 I was stood up leaning on the bed with my back to the mws and in betwwen pushes apologised for not even knowing what they looked like! I guess they thought the same but knew my bum well! I am caught on video immediatley after the birth saying 'I can't believe that was so easy'.

Second time around I tried for a homebirth at at mw shift change there were 4 mws in the kitchen drinking tea and reading palms whilst I bounced on ball with a bare bum!!!!

After transferring to hospital I realised I'd grabbed a posh black top with beads on it and then 'cos I had a drip I couldn't take it off and so did skin to skin with it bunched up at my neck which seemed very weird.

Oh yes also remember the journey to hospital when DP kindly took the scenic route with the mws in convoy, we parked at the unit door and I got out and screamed my way through a contraction next to a poor man phoning his relatives.

Not so funny was when my second G and A canister was empty and I had to wait 40 mins for a MW to go and get one from the hospital.

Sorry, got carried away there reliving my births, which I must add were fab, but I'm not doing it again.

sockmonkey Sat 13-Jan-07 10:43:42

This is making me laugh!

I remember thinking it was hilarious the the Doctor came in with white wellies on.... but he did need them! DH said he had never seen so much blood & gore. (Still think white is an odd colour for a wellie though)

Flower3554 Sat 13-Jan-07 11:38:42

These are hysterical

sockmonkey you brought back a vivid memory (30 yearsago now)(I was a child bride by the way)
of a tiny little woman coming to break my waters in yellow wellies and a plastic coat and I kid you not a sow'ester. Apparently she frequently got absolutely soaked and was taking no chances this time.

I had to present myself at the maternity unit as I was ten days late and they wanted to induce me with DD1, I can remember standing at the bus stop(no car) and saying to DH I've changed my mind, lets get a kitten instead.

mrsmalumbas Sat 13-Jan-07 12:16:07

When I was in labour with DD2 there was a point towards the end (I think I was in transition) when I was really sort of zoned out and every time I had a contraction my eyes would roll back in my head. DH was holding my hand and whispered softly to me...."you look just Frodo when you do that". It was being videod and all you can hear at that point is my two doulas absolutely pissing themselves laughing.

aDad Sat 13-Jan-07 12:40:13

<warning. Cheesy joke alert>

I don't think my dp found anything funny during childbirth, but afterwards she was in stitches.

<cue tumbleweed>

hockeypuck Sat 13-Jan-07 12:44:33

taxi for aDad

2boysmacca Sat 13-Jan-07 12:46:25

grouchyoscar Sat 13-Jan-07 15:39:04

During the running sitcom that was DS's arrival (see previous post) My MW said I could have managed a sucessful home birth
Me 'don't think so I really need this G&A'
MW 'Oh we can bring a portable supply'
Me (out of my tree due to the whole can of G&A I've taken) collapses into hysterical laughter thinking/explaining of a BOC tanker parked outside pumping it through a tumble dryer vent tube via the window.

It was such fun it's a shame I don't ever intend to do it again

Gingerbear Sat 13-Jan-07 15:45:54

Most definitely those gas and air moments. High on entonox and bouncing on the birthing ball pretending to be the Lone Ranger 'Hi Ho Silver, Away!!'

mamijacacalys Sat 13-Jan-07 16:13:01

LOL at all of these.

With DS, my mum phoned the delivery suite just as I was being wheeled out (after strict instructions earlier in the day to wait for DH to call her). DH said to her 'it's a baby' in the manner of Del Boy and did not reveal the sex straight away.

With DD, did not have any gas and air or other drugs, but mw's thought it was hilarious when, just before the birth, in between contractions, I turned to DH and urgently enquired if he was OK.

RubyRioja Sat 13-Jan-07 16:33:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklemegan Sat 13-Jan-07 16:54:51

Erm - can't think of any. Oh except I now PMSL at the thought of taking in honey sandwiches and puzzle books in case I got hungry or bored...

LOL aDad!

jalopy Sat 13-Jan-07 18:39:05

High on gas and air, I talked avidly about football....I know nothing about football

BuffysMum Sat 13-Jan-07 18:45:09

whilst kneeling on the bed holding onto the foot end with wite knuckles from the intensity of grip being in agony despite epidural and gas & air the useless midwife telling my dp to tell me to move to the head end in case I fell off........ quote "I don't see how she can fall off and I'm not telling her anything"

Myrtle1 Sat 13-Jan-07 18:57:58

Not being able to work out how to use the gas and air mouthpiece and DH trying to show me how to suck the gas and air out and then getting high on it himself

Edam Sat 13-Jan-07 19:00:29

being convinced that everyone was laughing at me because I was so quiet despite being in agony. Three witnesses tell me actually I was shouting 'f*ck' repeatedly. For hours. The midwife told me to keep the gas and air pipe in my mouth on the outbreath just to cut the volume!

Edam Sat 13-Jan-07 19:01:28

LOL at Ruby, that is so sisterly!

Seansgirl Sat 13-Jan-07 19:16:44

Me high on G&A and Pethidine floating in and out of a sleepy state between contractions must have been dreaming about the stock of food I had cooked and put in freezer....shaking DH arm and saying "Nick, Nick.." DH "yes" ME "What about the haddock?"

and DD shooting out very quickly that MW and DH prounced her baby scud...ahhh how sweet....

LadyOfTheFlowers Sat 13-Jan-07 19:36:44

these are reminding me of more funny bits!

when ds2 was about to appear my mw had another with her who had not seen a water birth before. she enquired to mw wether they should bring the baby to the surface or the mother should.
'we tend to intervene only if absolutely necessary'
i replied: 'grab the bloody baby because i wont!'
and the classic: 'push dear'
'i am f*cking pushing!'

dh's face when the afterbirth made it's appearance.

the mws face when ds2 appeared in his amniotic sac, fully sealed.
she had previously suggested i feel down below to keep myself motivated and i told her i could not feel his head but what felt like a balloon- she didnt believe me- she did then because she panicked! lol

Beauregard Sat 13-Jan-07 19:39:49

Dp on the phone to the emergency services
They asked -How long between contractions ?
Dp-How long between contractions love?
Me screaming-It is F*ing coming!

Emergency services to dp-Can you see the head?
Dp-Erm im not sure er yes i think so!
He later told me that he wasn't sure if it was a headfull of hair he could see or one of my fanjo flaps

laundrylover Sat 13-Jan-07 19:49:47

When DD2 was coming out my fab MW brought a full length mirror so that I could watch but she was a black lady with a large booty and knocked it on her way past so that all I could see was the wall!! She had also clamped a mask on my face for optimum G and A as I was loving it, so I was gesticulating wildly with eyes rolling to get someone to turn the mirror....she got the message just in time.

nikkie Sat 13-Jan-07 20:12:36

Only funny looking back but after nearly 2 days of labour (and not getting anywhere) they agreed to a section and a registrar tried to do an internal before I went to theatre, as this was about the 20th internal (4 cms!) I wasn't impressed and punched him .Apparantly he wasn't popular on the ward with staff or patients (knows-best) so the mid wife s thought it was great

jenwa Sat 13-Jan-07 20:45:14

Such a good thread, making me laugh!

shinyhappypeopleholdinghands- funny, LOL, I too cant think of a funny moment, just pain and being slighty out of it and pain oh and pain!!!!

will have a think though!!

BeautifulAva Sat 13-Jan-07 21:04:34


lackofgravitas Sat 13-Jan-07 21:16:55

Peculiar, rather than funny ... the obstetrician asking DH 'did you study in Boston then?' DH was utterly baffled by the question, so I pointed out that he was wearing his MIT t-shirt, and the doctor was enquiring as to whether he'd studied there. Even at the time was thinking that it was mad that, lying there with wires and tubes all over the place, baby in distress, about to be attacked with a ventouse, part of my brain was together enough to realise what on EARTH this conversation was about.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Sat 13-Jan-07 21:33:06

Forgot to mention:

A couple of days after childbirth, MW asking "Now, what are you going to do for contraception?"

Very funny.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Sat 13-Jan-07 21:37:25

LOTF, apparently babies born in the amniotic sac are supposed to be supremely lucky (according to folklore). It was known as 'being born in a caul' and sailors used to pay a fortune for the discarded sac to protect them from harm when at sea.

LadyOfTheFlowers Sat 13-Jan-07 21:41:15

it was pretty amazing. once i'd calmed down i found it floating about and examined it! lol
should have stuck it on ebay!

LubyLoo Sat 13-Jan-07 21:48:15

Great thread!

I was glued to my birthing ball through most of my labour. I was high on gas and air, bouncing on my ball facing the bed.

Apparently I started apologising saying "I'm sorry I'm so drunk. I'm never normally this drunk" then promptly bounced,slipped off the ball and under the bed! DH had to drag me back out!

ILoveDolly Sat 13-Jan-07 22:00:33

high on gas and air i talked avidly of ... Krispy Kreme donuts WTF? Also funny to midwife, not me, dh (who is a doc and v blase about labour) sitting next to me doing sodding sudoku for hours and hours

Toady Sat 13-Jan-07 22:04:07

Lubyloo {grin] great image of your DH pulling you out.

jofeb04 Sat 13-Jan-07 23:05:40

With ds, i found it funny when a student doctor fainted onto the floor when the consultant did the episiotomy (sp?).

With my dd, it was saying I wasn't going to give birth unless they promised me a chinese!!
Also with dd, after dd was born and midwive took her to see the peeds (sp? again lol), then all I heard was cluttering and mw came screming out "I forgot the placenta"!!

jofeb04 Sat 13-Jan-07 23:08:48

Opps, I forgot about the time with dd when I was lying in theatre and the aneathatist was preparing a general, and I told him I wasn't having an injection, then a minute later, literally as he was next to me, I said I needed to push, and the mw looked at me and asked if I was joking. I said no, mw checked, and dd's head was out!

At the time, none of this was funny, but looking back, I remember the look of confusion when I said it!

BeautifulAva Sun 14-Jan-07 01:41:58

Apologising loudly, on all fours, high on G&A, to all, (whoever they were)for having piles.

arfishy Sun 14-Jan-07 03:29:58

ROFL! These are hilarious.

Looking back I can't really think of anything too funny in my 32 hour labour. The only thing even vaguely funny was the comedy obstetrician shaped white patch on the wall after my haemorrhage.

nappyaddict Sun 14-Jan-07 06:37:04

mines the same as yours saltire.

me - i need to push i need to push now.

mw - no no, its far to soon, you just need to poo.

mw scurries off to get cardbaord bowl thing

me - hmm ok if you're sure

my cousin (birthing partner) holy crap she was right there's a head. panics andshouts mw - its coming its coming it isn't a poo she was right

ashayden Sun 14-Jan-07 08:20:45

After my ds was born via section, he was quickly held up for me to see and then taken over to a table to be checked out. My dh was watching them check him over. I hadn't seen him properly so I asked dh what he looked like. He turns to me very excited and said "He's hung like a horse".Everyone in the theatre lost it.

ludaloo Sun 14-Jan-07 08:32:45

well I'm told this was hilarious...I personally was in far too much pain to notice!!!..........

I was braving my second birth with as little drugs as poss (yes I know, Very stupid!!!)The midwife hurried in G&A but I was in too much pain and panicking way to much to concentrate on breathing!!! So the midwife in her efforts to calm me suggested I tried a new position. She had me up on all fours, with my head and arms draped over the back of the bed and my backside up in the air facing the midwife, dh, and a student
I was not too happy with this but thought I'd go along with might help to get the little bugger out quicker!
Next thing I know is an almighty pop...A HUGE relief and much comfort!!!
"Oh my god" I thought "I've had it"!!!!!!
Seconds later...dh is up my end of the bed...I'm asking if everything is ok...Dh is soaked from the knees up!!!
My waters had exploded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I then realise I haven't given birth yet as a wave of pain hits me again....rolled back onto my back and a few pushes later my dear little baby had arrived!
I breathed a sigh of relief and looked over to the midwife and the student...who were also wet from the knees up!!!!!!!!
The midwife even had wet hair!!!!!!! EEEWWWWW!

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