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Giving up and handing responsibility to ex. Bit of a rant.

(27 Posts)
InAnglesey Thu 07-Dec-17 23:37:32

Separated 6yrs ago at my instigation. Family and friends thought I was mad, they loved exH and he conveniently forgot 15 years of unhappy marriage to play the broken-hearted, hard done by yet stoic martyr. Therefore I was the bad guy.
I rented a cheap scruffy property in a cheap area. The children had to share.
He rented a lovely big 2 bed in an expensive area. The children had a room each.
I had the three kids during the week. School runs, work, dinner and repeat.
He had them weekends. Fun, constant spending, meals out etc.
I work ft on a low wage.
He was on a high wage.
Then he lost his job, lost his rented place and began sofa surfing. He comes to take his offspring out for a few hours most weekends while I'm at work. Ive had the children full time now for 18 months. I had a lot of sympathy initially but after a while I struggled financially and began to see things rather differently.
To let the children have a room each I now sleep on the sofa. My bf can't stay over anymore and I can't go to his while the kids are at their dads anymore so our relationship is on hold. My meagre savings have dwindled away to nothing. Bf is in a one bed HA flat. We are on the housing list but getting nowhere. Ex has now got a job and earning a high wage. He's talking about getting a rented place again but just a one bed for him.
I've thought and thought how to improve me and the kids situation but nothing works. Tonight it just hit me that rather than struggle trying to provide everything why not give up and go live with bf. Kids would have a nice place, I'd have security.
But I can't do it can I. I can't cop out like that and drop all the responsibility. I can't do what ex basically does and opt out for 90% of the time.

MrsDoyleFallingOutTheWindow Thu 07-Dec-17 23:58:38

It's bollocks isn't it. If women acted the way men do seeing looking after their kids as an optional extra then we'd soon be criticised. I can't imagine making a decision that I don't think about how it works for my kids as a first concern but my ex definitely does and it sounds like yours does too.

I don't understand what you're saying about the bf though - where is the nice place that your kids would have?

passemoilevin Fri 08-Dec-17 00:03:32

Your kids would miss you too much. I do get where you're coming from and agree it's really unfair (I'm a lone parent, who's DDs dad never ever sees her as he'd rather do drugs). But you'd miss them, and they'd miss you. thanks

InAnglesey Fri 08-Dec-17 00:05:22

I meant if I went to live with bf and kids to their father presumably he'd rent a nice place for them again.

IAmAShitHotLawyer Fri 08-Dec-17 00:06:44

How many kids have you got and what ages are they

MissMustBeAMug Fri 08-Dec-17 00:07:51

Are you really considering this? Have you thought it through?

InAnglesey Fri 08-Dec-17 00:08:16

Just to play devil's advocate, didn't stop ex, still doesn't that the children would miss him.

InAnglesey Fri 08-Dec-17 00:11:07

No I've not thought it through. I'd not do it really. It just hit me between the eyes as a total reversal way of seeing it.
Children are 10, 12 and 17.

Killdora Fri 08-Dec-17 00:11:27

I think if you dumped your children on your ex so you could run off with your new bf that would mean you couldn’t ever look down on him or take the moral high ground again.

But I get it. It’s completely shit that he just gets to opt out of responsibility, and you have to be the one to shoulder everything.

Luckily your children have had you to give them some emotional stability (which you have, even without a ton of money)

pallisers Fri 08-Dec-17 00:12:21

Are you really considering this? Have you thought it through?

I know the feeling behind this comment but I think the point the OP is making is that if her ex did this not one person would say to him "hey stop, think this through -your children won't live with you" but everyone would to the OP.

As someone says it is bollocks. You are the default, real parent and he is the weekend, fill in when it suits parent.

It is unfair OP - but I don't think you will do this. you just want to vent about it (and again I recognise no one would say this to a man)

MissMustBeAMug Fri 08-Dec-17 00:18:03

I do understand, it’s unfair and it’s bollocks but sadly it’s typical.

On my more cynical days I think girls should be taught in sex ed to always assume that they’ll be the one left completely responsible for the baby, and if it turns out you haven’t accidentally procreated with a disappearing man child then that’s just a bonus.

I eat a lot of chocolate on my cynical days grin

InAnglesey Fri 08-Dec-17 00:19:04

Killdora and that is the important thing, looking down on ex and having the moral high ground grin. Seriously, that is how it would be seen, as dumping my children on ex so I could run off with new bf (of four years)

Jmarie59 Fri 08-Dec-17 00:22:07

Have you spoke to your children? They might not care about the size of the house or how much money you have, as long as there with you.

Your children will soon learn who's been there and who hasn't and who's struggled etc. Don't give up. You have got this far! To place your children with their father who you say " opts out" for then you to place them there, wouldn't that have an effect on the children.

Saying this I don't know the struggles to be in financial difficulty. But am sure your children will tell you your doing great.

MrsDoyleFallingOutTheWindow Fri 08-Dec-17 00:23:54

I think it just goes to show what little ground we as a sex have gained when people react in horror to a woman talking this way but for a guy it's acceptable and in some parts of society even expected. Me and my ex were equals at one point. There is nothing equal about us now - in fact, our lives are not even remotely comparable because I do everything - feed, clothe, house, care for - and he sees them less often than my friends do and nothing else in his life is in any way affected by them. Christ, this year he's seen them less often than some members of my family who live three hundred miles away. How the fuck did that get to be normal?

Killdora Fri 08-Dec-17 00:24:34

Yep, that is pretty much exactly as he’d paint it.

My friend did something similar (though for her she was struggling to cope with everything’s t the time)

Her ex wasn’t shy about spouting crap about her, especially to her children.

Completely agree with the above. Selfish man child with no responsibility or care for his dc wellbeing vs woman who has to take all the shit and like it because a good mother can’t do anything different.

InAnglesey Fri 08-Dec-17 00:31:47

The kids hate my house and moan about it. Their dad is wonder boy in their eyes as he buys them loads.
The eldest sees things a bit clearer I think. Maybe.
Anyway. It was a passing thunderbolt to the forehead followed by the return to grey normality. Normality ain't so bad really. Just having a moment. Need my bed now, feckin school run tomorrow of course.

MrsDoyleFallingOutTheWindow Fri 08-Dec-17 00:38:41

Sorry for ranting OP. I'm obviously angrier than I thought. But what you said struck a chord with me. I don't have any answers but you have my solidarity if that helps.

InAnglesey Fri 08-Dec-17 00:43:15

It does MrsDoyle, thank you. We need a clenched fist solidarity thingy.

pallisers Fri 08-Dec-17 00:43:27

On my more cynical days I think girls should be taught in sex ed to always assume that they’ll be the one left completely responsible for the baby, and if it turns out you haven’t accidentally procreated with a disappearing man child then that’s just a bonus.

I was born in the 60s. I WAS taught that - explicitly and completely. It wasn't exactly an embrace of the sexual revolution in my childhood home but by god did I understand that the man I chose to father my children was the most important decision of my life - and it could still all go tits up so I should be prepared/have my job etc.

I grew up in a traditional family in Ireland with a stay at home mother. But they could see how the world worked for women.

Kingsclerelass Fri 08-Dec-17 02:12:46

Plenty of sympathy here too. I work f/t as does my ex but I also do all school runs and full time care/ organising etc. He just shows up once a week expecting a freshly ironed, fed & fragrant child.
The only occasion in 6 years I asked him to put himself out mid-week was for sports day when I had a 3rd interview and could 't organise around it. And ex said "of course I can't, I'll be at work.' Like I arrange flowers all flaming week.

And then when I pushed it, he acted like I'd asked him to donate a kidney, not a couple of hours of his precious time. (.....and breathe )

I didn't want to dump ds on him and stroll away, I wanted to stamp on his head repeatedly. Still, at least I know where I stand, he is reliably consistently crap! grin. Night.

KickAssAngel Fri 08-Dec-17 02:43:06

but now he has a job and is only renting a 1 bed place, then he can afford a good whack of child support, so get onto CMS pronto and then you can afford some nice things for you & the kids.

AdalindSchade Fri 08-Dec-17 03:28:19

Your oldest is 17 - do they babysit so you can see your boyfriend? Why can't you have him over to stay? Surely a sofa bed and a door on the living room would be sufficient?

InAnglesey Fri 08-Dec-17 08:27:06

quick post before school run.
17yr old does indeed babysit. Does weekends I'm working and makes meals and everything. I have been able to spend nights at bf it's true. But atm it's a bit more complicated. Eldest has a boyfriend with whom she wants to spend more time. She has a part time job. My bf works shifts so the chances of all our schedules working out is slim. Plus obviously I have a bit of good old maternal guilt at leaving them to 'run off to bf' and at relying on 17yr old too much.
My sleeping arrangements were largely dictated by finances. Maybe now ex money could buy me a nice sofa bed grin

InAnglesey Fri 08-Dec-17 08:29:06

Living room also tiny and open to kitchen so privacy not brilliant.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 08-Dec-17 17:45:06

depressing that anyone thinks that the children living with dad full time and mum having contact is not a good thing. so much for the equal parent thing. like shit it is equal. equal parent is used to beat you round the head when ex's want to do something that makes kids miserable or makes life difficult for the parent with care... but good god, if a mother thinks of working full time and paying maintenance and having contact she is somehow defective in her mothering. equality does not come into it with respect to expectations.

of course that works against fathers who want more contact or who would be the better parent to have care more too.

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