12-year-old DS is cross dressing

[WoIsMe]

My DS lost his Nintendo 3DS so I went into his bedroom today to try to help him find it. I pulled a plastic storage box off the shelf and he immediately grabbed it to try to stop me from opening it. Inside was a pair of my knickers and one of my bras. I asked him whether he had been wearing them and he said yes. I closed up the box again and told him that cross dressing was normal and nothing to be embarrassed about, and gave him a hug.

What are my next steps? I know next to nothing about cross dressing. He's clearly mortified but I think it's something that we need to talk about. I'm not comfortable with him taking my clothes to wear so I need to set that boundary. I would prefer to buy him his own things that will fit and be comfortable, and to his own taste, rather than him wear my old and well-worn undies! I think I also need to know whether he feels like he wants to wear women's clothes, or just underwear.

Has anyone else been in this situation and could offer some advice?

He will be mortified and horribly embarrassed poor lad. Just be very loving and the same great mum you’ve always been.

The middle one was, the other 2 were younger. I imagine there's more of a sexual element to it when they're also going through puberty. Kids are curious about sex at that age and do try things out. Personally I wouldn't mention it again unless he brings it up. You've been supportive so he knows he can talk to you if he needs to.

Thank you everyone who has contributed. My plan of action is to:

1. Reassure DS that experimenting with cross dressing is normal and some people grow out of it while others don't.

1. Assert my boundaries. I will tell him he can keep the clothes he already has, if he wants to, but he isn't to take anything else of mine.

1. Tell him that I love him and I'm on his side and he can always talk to me if anything is worrying him.

How does that sound?

I just think I wouldn’t bring it up again Op (unless he does it again of course-nicking your mother’s underwear is not really acceptable!) he’ll probably combust with embarrassment if you do. If he wants to wear woman’s underwear he can but he would have to buy it. There’s a definite distinction between wanting to wear girls clothes and bras I think (I wasn’t wearing bras at 12 and I’m female)

Buying him women’s underwear would be massively overstepping boundaries. It’s a bit messed up to have your mother encourage what could be a fetish- or just normal experimentation.

This isn't cross dressing. This is a boundary violation and highly inappropriate. He took his mother's underwear! He didn't take your best dress did he? I don't know why you've posted in 'LGBT children' as this is a behaviour issue not a sexual orientation issue.
Cross dressing in women's underwear at age 12 isn't 'normal experimentation'. It's perfectly fine for him to wear dresses or whatever but underwear is sexualised.
You need to have a kind but firm conversation about how inappropriate this is.

Personally I think it would be weird to let a child keep his mother’s underwear. I also think that taking another person’s underwear crosses a huge, huge boundary and I actually think you need to make it very clear that that is not okay behaviour. If you let him keep it you’re saying stealing underwear is okay - what if next time it’s from a friend’s mother/ sister etc? Most people wouldn’t be so forgiving!

By all means reassure him that it’s normal to be curious and to want to experiment but I think you need to make it clear that stealing someone else’s underwear is a huge violation and definitely I wouldn’t let him keep the things he has already taken as that sends out the wrong message around stealing being okay if it’s to satisfy a sexual urge/ curiosity.

You don't actually know he is cross dressing. Yes, he said so when you asked but that may have been to avoid any further questioning, or because he'd taken the underwear for masturbation or even just a 'funny' game with mates.

I wouldn't go all woke about how it's healthy and normal yet but act on the facts you know for sure. i.e. he stole your underwear and it's not ok to take your things for any reason. If he wants to talk to you he can.

I think that sounds perfect xx

Very intrusive IMO. Let the boy have his boundaries and his privacy

His privacy???

He stole OP's underwear! What about her privacy?

FFS the lad is 12? He’s not even learned the meaning of boundaries, his brain isn’t fully formed!! OP, if my daughter took my underwear to try I wouldn’t be bothered, if my son took it, I’d say, cmon son don’t be daft, but if you need to talk to me about anything ever, I’m here, I won’t judge you my love.

If they stole money from me that would be totally unacceptable for many reasons.

AS IF they lad is going to start stealing undies from friends or other women. 🙄

Sometimes Mimsnet is so far up it’s own bum it beggars belief.

FFS the lad is 12? He’s not even learned the meaning of boundaries, his brain isn’t fully formed!!

That's why it's still our job, as parents, to set/reinforce boundaries.

FFS the lad is 12? He’s not even learned the meaning of boundaries, his brain isn’t fully formed!!

12 year olds absolutely know the meaning of boundaries. Very young children are taught about not touching their genitals in public, not exposing them etc. Children much younger than 12 are taught they don't need to hug people they don't want to. Children much younger than 12 know that they aren't supposed to take things that don't belong to them. These are all boundaries that they understand.
My son is 11 and starting to go through puberty. He has told me about his 'willy going hard' and I've explained to him that he shouldn't talk about that with everybody, as it's a private thing. How anyone can say that 12 year olds don't understand boundaries is mind blowing. They are one year away from being teenagers!
12 years old is the average age for a boy to see pornography. Sexual assault of girls by boys happens in secondary schools more often than people know. We NEED TO teach teenagers and pre teens about sexual boundaries in age appropriate ways. Not to do so is to fail them.

Clearly he hasn’t learnt the meaning of boundaries yet, but that’s why the OP needs to enforce and explain them now so that he doesn’t become a 21 year old who doesn’t know the meaning of boundaries.

By 12 he should know that underwear is private and that taking things that belong to others is stealing and thus wrong. It shouldn’t be a huge difficulty for a 12 year old to understand the boundary here.

And it’s nlt that unusual to hear of men who have stolen underwear from women - at some point they were all preteens too. I’m not saying the OPs son will necessarily go on to steal underwear from somebody else, but if he’s made to think that stealing underwear from his mother to satisfy a sexual urge is fine/ a normal thing/ nothing to be ashamed of then it’s not a massive step to think that, when his mothers underwear doesn’t satisfy that urge anymore, stealing underwear from somebody else is a normal thing and nothing to be ashamed of. That’s why I don’t think the OP should be letting her son keep the underwear, it’s not necessarily a big deal that he’s stolen it once but he needs to know it’s not okay and that there are boundaries around that kind of behaviour he needs to follow in the future.

Perhaps I'm a prude, but I wouldn't be at all comfortable with my son keeping my knickers, regardless of whether he's wearing them or masturbating with them.

I have spoken to my DS and he, naturally enough, didn't want to talk about it and was clearly embarrassed. I've told him that it wasn't okay to take my clothes and if he wants to borrow anything of mine then he has to ask me first. I've also told him that if he wants to talk to me about anything that's worrying him then to come and ask to have a chat in private. I hope that was the best way to deal with the situation.

Thanks again for everyone that has taken the time to reply and to make comments and suggestions. I considered asking for this thread to be deleted since some have said that it is an invasion of privacy for my DS. I have decided to leave it up so that any other parents in the same boat might have a bit more information than I did.

Try to talk to him to find out if he has any feelings of being a girl and reassure him that you are not angry but want to help